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This is a songfic by Rainy. Part of the Kiss collection. It is also for Robo's contest. Special thanks to Robo for Coaldust's name. The OA is Carly Rae Jepsen. 

Kiss

Firestrike & Beechwhisker

Hurt So Good

Beautiful

Deersoul & Coaldust

This Kiss

Your Heart Is A Muscle

Lightningblaze & Moonpetal

Sweetie

More Than A Memory

You gave my shirt back

I don't really get the meaning

Rain patters lightly on the roof above me. Heedless that my back is being pelted with water from the open exit behind me, I keep my eyes trained on Deersoul. She stretches and climbs out of her nest. Her gaze catches mine. She saw it. What is she going to do with it?

As she walks towards me, her sweet scent nearly makes me delirious. How is possible for a she-cat to have so much power over me?

"Thanks Coaldust," she whispers. "But it's all right. You don't have to."

Stunned, I watch as she lets something pale and pink flutter to the ground next to me, then turns and pads out of the warrior's den. Once she's gone, I stoop beside the object that she dropped. Why would she give it back?

The flower's petals are slightly crumpled, like how I feel right now. But I don't get why Deersoul gave it back. If she doesn't like me, can't she just tell me? Could I really have imagined everything we had together? I thought for sure that we had clicked, last night under the stars. Maybe I was wrong.

It's like you're giving up before it all goes wrong

I've been told but I don't really like the feeling

I've been away, I've been away too long

Or maybe I wasn't. Maybe she's just... ending it before we go too far. I understand that usually. But with Deersoul... I can't help dreaming a little. It isn't a stretch for me to envision the both of us sitting under a tree, kits scrambling over us. Is that just wild thinking? Or is it just her, pushing me away?

A long time ago, my mother told me that when someone wanted to distance themselves from you, you let them go. Usually, I follow that advice. But not this time.

I get up and exit the warrior's den, glancing about the RainClan camp. Deersoul is standing with her friend, Beechwhisker. I note with a hint of relief that she's not with Rivershade. I know she said something happened with him, and she didn't seem too thrilled about it, but I can't help feeling jealous. How come he got so far with her? Unless... is that the reason she won't let herself grow close to me? 

That's it. I need to talk to her. We can't stay apart like this. It's been far too long since I actually liked a she-cat. My sister, Moonpetal, would call this a "miracle". And even better, Deersoul seemed to have liked me back. I couldn't let her go.


I, I, I wanna go wherever you are

I, I, I wanna be wherever you are

I, I, I wanna see whatever you are

As I glance at her casually out of the corner of my eye, Deersoul gets up and shakes off her fur. It glistens like dark silver in the morning light. I feel a yearning in my heart to be with her, to stand close enough to touch the silk of her pelt and feel the brush of her whiskers. I can just imagine the two of us, chasing each other down endless fields of grass. But even in that fantasy, I can never reach her, never get close enough to touch her. That, I realize, is something only she can let me do.

Before Deersoul can head out of camp on a hunting patrol, I step forward, blocking her way. She sucks in her breath with surprise. "Can I talk to you?" I ask softly, hoping she can sense how much I want it.

"Sure," she says hesitantly, and allows me to lead her out of camp.


You say love's a fragile thing

Made of glass, but I think

Your heart is a muscle

Your heart is a muscle

As we enter a shaded vale where no one is in earshot of our conversation, I try to prepare myself for this. I won't be too direct. I'll act like it doesn't bother me. Just be casual. Yes. I have some pride.

"Why did you leave me alone last night?" I blurt out, sounding like a kit; I can't even keep the hurt out of my voice.

Deersoul's eyes widen, then sadden. She stares at her paws quietly. I can't tell exactly what she's thinking, but I guess it's along the lines of, I hate Coaldust.

"Deersoul, if it's because you don't trust me," I begin, "I really swear I would never do anything to hurt you."

Her eyelashes flutter, as if she's fighting back tears. "No, it's not that Coaldust. I mean- It's more complicated." She hangs her head. "I'm not explaining this right. Actually, I'm not even sure if I can."

Leaning forward so that I can feel the energy wafting off her pelt, I mew, "Don't be afraid, Deersoul. I think you're stronger then you think."

You gotta work it out

Make it stronger

Try for me just a little longer

Your heart is a muscle

Your heart is a muscle

When I see her rueful smile, I know she doesn't believe me. But it's true. 

"How can you know how strong you really are if you never try?" I ask softly.

Her eyes sparkle with tears as she gazes up at me. "Oh Coaldust," she whispers. "I'm not strong. You just don't understand."

Helplessly, I watch as she turns and runs away. It's not true, what she said. She is much, much stronger then she thinks. If only I could know that she loved me back... maybe I could convince her to go out on a limb and take a chance.


It's times like this you must recall,

Your heart is a muscle

It's times like this you must recall,

Your heart is a muscle

Overhead, clouds gather, as if they too are mourning for what could've been between us. The day suddenly feels dark and lonely; a shiver runs up my spine as I stand alone under the shadow of the trees. 

But I won't give up. I have to somehow get Deersoul to believe that she is strong, that she's not as fragile as she appears. It'll be hard, but she's worth it.


If I could turn this plane around

I'd fly to where you are right now

Write your name into the sky

Hope that it'll light up your eyes

If I could find her right now, and know that she would listen to me, I'd be with her in a second. I would lift up her chin, gaze into her eyes, and whisper her sweet name onto the wind, like a melody only we could understand. And maybe, just maybe, those large hazel eyes would light up, and I'd see the kaleidoscope of colors - blue, green, gold, even traces of violet - inside their pale amber deths. That would be a prize worth winning.


Wake up moon we spend the night alone together

You're a real good listener, but you don't have much to say

Regardless of the stab of pain the memory causes, my mind takes me back to last night, a night spent out under the light of the moon. It had just been the two of us; the best possible scenario in the world, in my opinion.

I shared my heart with her that night, down to my silly star-watching antics. And she, she had listened and smiled and dreamed along with me, though she was reserved about her own life. That was okay with me, but if she ever wanted to share, I know I would be there to listen. Any cat as beautiful as Deersoul deserves to be heard.

Wake up you, you won't pick up the phone, whatever

You're probably sleeping,

I hope we're still OK

For the longest time, I sit there, lost in my own thoughts. Finally, about an hour later, I get up and head back to camp. My legs are stiff from the cold, but once I enter the tunnel and see Deersoul outside the warriors' den, a warm feeling shoots through me, erasing the chill in my bones.

Desperately, I try to catch her eye, to show that I still have something to say, but she evades my gaze. Stifling a sigh, I hope she doesn't hate me now. That would be horrible, too awful to even comprehend.


I, I, I wanna go wherever you are

I, I, I wanna be wherever you are

I, I, I wanna see whatever you are

As she talks and laughs with the other RainClan she-cats, I feel a dull ache inside my chest. It's like being near her is one of my basic needs now, and I can't help feeling slightly lost as I watch her away from me. I want to be close to her, feel her heart beat next to mine, feel the whisper of her mouth against my ear. If that's too much to ask, then at least I want to understand her. I need to know what makes her tick, and why she's so apprehensive about opening up to me. Maybe that'll be the key to her heart.


You say love's a fragile thing

Made of glass, but I think

Your heart is a muscle

Your heart is a muscle

No matter what she said, or how she acted, I can tell she cares about me, at least a little. I can ride on that link we had till I could forge a stronger bond.

Because Deersoul was worth whatever it took. I know she's amazing; her soul is too pure and precious for me to resist. I felt a strange need to protect it, and protect it I will, as if she were as fragile and delicate as the animal she was named for. Which, of course, she isn't. I imagine she's strong for other things. It's just when it comes to love, something happened to her that made her learn to be careful.

You gotta work it out

Make it stronger

Try for me just a little longer

Your heart is a muscle

Your heart is a muscle

As I make my way towards Deersoul, I brush past Rivershade. I can't help bristling just at the sight of him. The thought that he hurt Deersoul...

"Deersoul?" I whisper softly when I reach her, wondering if she'll even hear me.

Her head comes up, and a gentle, wishful smile forms on her face. "Coaldust. Come on. We do have some things to discuss."

Elation that I don't have to beg or do anything too humiliating - but mostly that she agreed to talk to me on her own will - courses through me as I follow her to a quiet corner of the camp. 

We face each other. The wind ripples through Deersoul's dark gray fur; without thinking, I reach out a paw and smooth it down. Her pelt is like raw silk floss under my touch. I long to bury my face in it, breathe her in, and never let go of her. Instead, I hastily retract my paw, blushing fiercely. A shy look appears on her face. "You're sweet," she says absently.

Unable to keep a hint of bitterness out of my voice, I say, "But not sweet enough, right?"

Pain sparks her expression. "It's not like that. I just can't be in a relationship, even if I want to."

Shock flows through me. "You want to."

"More then I've ever wanted anything in my life."

"I just don't get it. Can't you try to give me a chance? Please?"


It's times like this you must recall,

Your heart is a muscle

It's times like this you must recall,

Your heart is a muscle

Silence. I move closer, resting my chin on her head. As if by natural reflex, she curls into me, her breathing matching mine. I feel the pounding of her beautiful heart against my chest, just the way I've always dreamed. But my own heart is aching.

"Deersoul," I go on in a soft voice. "I know this is a time when you're scared, and you're afraid to trust others. But you must realize that... you're stronger then you think. I know you are." I look deep into her eyes, as if I could lose myself in them forever. "Please..."


If I could turn this plane around

I'd fly to where you are right now

Write your name into the sky

Hope that it'll light up your eyes

When she still doesn't say anything, I pull away from her. I pluck a pawful of wildflowers - pink, delicate ones, just like the one I gave to her this morning - and scatter them at her paws. "When I think of you, I think of these. Delicate, beautiful, but firmly rooted to the ground."

"Until someone plucks them out."

I sigh. "Deersoul please-"

But she's smiling. Her eyes are shining, and she takes a step closer. Reaching out a paw, she brushes a petal from my forehead. "Silly."


You say love's a fragile thing

Made of glass, but I think

Your heart is a muscle

Your heart is a muscle

My throat goes dry at the light feel of her touch, and my heart pounds a mile a minute. 

"I thought love is just something to break," Deersoul murmurs, coming ever closer, so I can feel the warmth of her breath against my face. "But it's not. It's so much more. Yes, it is fragile, but that makes it ever so much more precious and important."

"I- You... love me?"

A tinkling laugh. "Of course I do, Coaldust! Maybe... Maybe we can give this a shot."

You gotta work it out

Make it stronger

Try for me just a little longer

Your heart is a muscle

Your heart is a muscle

I'm walking on air. "Really?"

"Yes. How am I supposed to become stronger and grow if I don't ever let myself take a chance? You've got to reach for the clouds to find the silver lining."

"I can't argue with that," I mew softly. "You are beautiful, Deersoul."

Letting out a soft whimper, she buries her face into my shoulder. "No, Coaldust. You are."


It's times like this you must recall,

Your heart is a muscle

It's times like this you must recall,

Your heart is a muscle

Before I can reply, she says, "You brought me out of a really dark time. I thought I'd be lost forever because of Rivershade, but you wiped away all my tears."

She's crying now, perfect crystalline tears dripping down her cheeks. I don't wipe them away. I know they're tears of joy.

"It's okay, Deersoul. In times like this, all you need is to be reminded that your heart isn't glass. It's a muscle, and it's as strong as your perfect, unbreakable soul."


If I could turn this plane around

I'd fly to where you are right now

"So... will you be my mate?" I ask softly.

"Nothing will make me happier."

I've never, not in my entire life, been so purely joyful. I'm filled with an elation that can only come from Deersoul.

"I'd do anything for you. Do you know what I'd do for you?"

Her voice is husky and soft in the twilight. "What?" 

I put all the love I feel in my heart into my next words.

Write your name into the sky

Hope that it'll light up your eyes

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