Warrior Therapy

Hai! I thought after reading ALL those crackfics, that warriors need a therapist. Write a chapter if you feel like it. Edit & add on to chapters, too, unless the author says at the top not to. I'll list some ideas below. Mmkay!--Leopardkit_{SunClan Forever!} 03:40, March 30, 2010 (UTC)

If you want to reserve a character for later, leave a comment. Please start them within the month. Oh, and all the unreserved characters are free to use, and you can do a charater that is NOT listed. I you plan on writing it now, just make a heading! Or work on the empty characters!

Remember, reservation are only if you want to work on it later! Just do one right now if you feel like it.

Leafpool

Anyone can edit, just stay NOT totally off topic.

Doctor Pathetic: Hello Everybody! I'm Doctor Pathetic! Today, we're here to work out the problems of our friend, Leafpool!

Audience: *applause unenthusiastically*

Dr. Pathetic: So, Leafpool, why does your life suck?

Leafpool: Well, Dr., One thing is that my mate was from another clan, not to mention I'm a medicine cat, my kits thought my sister was their mother, found out that I'm their mom, then my daughter tried to kill me, and she committed suicide (or so we assume, still waiting on word from the Erins)... Should I keep going on?

Dr. Pathetic: I get paid by the hour, keep talking.

Leafpool goes on rambling on about her problems while Dr. Pathetic listens to his iPod nano.

Leafpool: ... And that's why I need your help.

Dr. Pathetic: Uh, yeah. So, Leafpool, to help find the route of you problems, here's our guest- CROWFEATHER!

Audience: *Fangirls cheer on Crowfeather*

Crowfeather: Umm... I thought I was supposed to talk about my new book, Why does my Love Life Stink??

Dr. Pathetic: No. This gets way more viewers!

Leafpool: *Mauls Crowfeather*

Nightcloud: FAIL. You didn't even train as a warrior.

Leafpool: *Mauls Nightcloud*

Nightcloud: *shrieks* Crowfeather, SAVE ME

Crowfeather: Ummm... I'll pass. *Plays Doodle Jump*

Leopardkit: xD!--Leopardkit_{SunClan Forever!} 14:34, April 1, 2010 (UTC)

Hollyleaf

Hollyleaf is watching all this and goes back to Doctor Pathetic.

Hollyleaf: You all know how i worship the warrior code, like more than starclan?

Audience nods with scattered, "yeah"s

Hollyleaf: well i'm a half clan and my mother is a medicine cat!

Hollyleaf points accusingly at Leafpool while Doctor Pathetic is lisening to,"Party in the USA" and you can hear some of it

Doctor Pathetic: Oh yes i'm sorry what?

Hollyleaf: I mean how can i be even PART of the clans when my parents did this?

Hollyleaf goes on rambling while Doctor Pathetic puts his ipod on high and starts saying "Yeahhh, Party in the USA!"

You hear some of Doctor Pathetic's ipod going, "Now who's that chick with rockin' hips.."

Hollyleaf: I'm done with this!

Hollyleaf stalks out of studio, not before going over and smaking Leafpool and Crowfeather, then putting on her ipod and starts singing, "If you could see that I'm the one that understands you..!"

Cats: 0_0

Hollyleaf comes back in and takes Dr. Pathetic Ipod and samshes it.

Hollyleaf: Miley Cyrus is sssooo old! Justin Bieber is the new thing! What am I saying? He sucks!

I like it --♥Shinestar♥ 03:55, March 30, 2010 (UTC)

Crowfeather

This should be fun! --♥Shinestar♥ 22:57, March 31, 2010 (UTC)

Dr. Pathetic: And now for our next guest, Crowfeather!

• Fan girls scream his name and go, "Crowfeather! I love you!"

Crowfeather: Can I just ask one thing?

Dr. Pathetic: I get paid by the hour so by all means go on!

Crowfeather: Where the heck did you get a cat trap and a teleporter?

Dr. Pathetic: Well we had to get you here somehow, didn't we?

Crowfeather: Um, okay force is a option.

Dr. Pathetic: Its the ONLY option if you wanna get something done! *says brightly*

Crowfeather: Yeah.... so as i was saying, Why didn't Leafpool stay with me?

Leafpool: *suddenly appears thrashing in a net* OMG HELP! STUPID CAT TRAP!

Dr. Pathetic: And for our surprise guest, Leafpool!

Crowfeather: .... That's how I arrived

Leafpool: * Is let out by men in white suits* Crowfeather! -Fan girls scream at Crowfeather's name- *gasp*

Crowfeather and Leafpool: *at the same time* I'm otta here!

Dr. Pathetic: *snaps fingers and suddenly a cage falls on the pair of cats and they are wheeled back onto set*

Leafpool and Crowfeather: Hey! Let me out!

Dr. Pathetic: *ignors* So we wanted you here for some couple therapy. With the help of our studio audience for questions!

Audience: *cheers*

Leafy and Crow: WHAT?!!?!?!

Audience member: Why didn't you just stop being a medicine cat Leafpool and go join Windclan or have, Crowfeather -Fan girls scream at Crowfeather's name- join Thunderclan?

Crowfeather; I refuse to answer!

Leafpool: As do I!

Dr. Pathetic: We'll we offered Firestar and Onestar a load of fresh-kill so I'm afraid you must answer.

Leafy and Crow- !!!!

Leafpool- Fine! I love being a medicine cat and my clan needed me! And i could never leave my mother,father, and sister!

Crowfeather- I couldn't join Thunderclan *quiets down for a second* Leafy (gasp pet name) may be nice but the rest of Thunderclan, Nuh-uh!

Leafpool- Okay we answered a question, now can you let us out!

Dr. Pathetic: Maybe later, were going to have a bidding war for a month with you!

Leafpool and Crowfeather- WHAT!?!?! @*$#!#%%#!!!

Dr. Pathetic: We offered your leaders medicine supplys and more fresh-kill and a kitty-cat bed each, they could do without you.

Dr. Pathetic: First for bid, Leafpool! *snaps fingers and leafpool is suddenly in her own cage high above the bidders for a clear view*

Person: 100 dollars!

Person: 150!

Person: 200!

• goes on until 1,000 then is sold*

Dr. Pathetic: Next up, Crowfea- *fan girls scream and dive for their purses*

Girl- 1,000!

Girl- 2,000!

Leafpool- Oh come on!

Girl- 1 MILLION! I LUV MY CROWFEATHER!

Crowfeather- I'm kinda scared right now...

Dr. Pathetic: Sold!

• Crowfeather and Leafpool are sold for a month*

I really don't know, it came to me, I think I'll do a story on bidding wars for clan cats! --♥Shinestar♥ 22:57, March 31, 2010 (UTC)

Graystripe

Dr. Pathetic: And now for, Graystripe!

Crowd: *cheers*

Graystripe: it's great to be here Doctor, And I'm so glad-

Dr. Pathetic: *had I-POD on* IF YOU COULD SEE THAT I'M, THE ONE WHO UNDERSTANDS YOU-!

Graystripe: Doctor!

Dr. Pathetic: BEEN HERE ALL ALONG, oh yes sorry?

Graystripe: *rips out I-POD and throws it to the crowd*

Crowd: *Franticly tries to grab the I-POD Graystripe touched*

Graystripe: Now onto me, I mean my love was the DAUGHTER of another clan's leader!

Crowd: *gasp*

Fan girl: I'll love you Graystripe!

Graystripe: no thank you...

There is a knock on the door and suddenly Silverstream, Feathertail, and Stormfur walk in, with Millie who is now Silverstream's BFF and now only think's of Graystripe as a "good friend" :P.

Graystripe: *studders* Silversteam!? Feathertail?!!? Stormfur you're already alive, your not that big of a deal but your back from the moutains! YAY!

Stormfur: I'm Storm that was called to the Mountains now, Dad, Stormfur for short.

Graystripe: A tribe name, I'm impressed

Storm that was called to the Mountains: You should be!

Dr. Pathetic: Yeah you all realize I'm here right?

Crowd shouts, "BOO!" and pelts him with rotton fruits because he interrupted.

Dr. Pathetic: OW! OKAY! POINT TAKEN!

Graystripe: Come on kids, mate, and BFF, lets go!

They all leave

Dr. Pathetic: We'll thats all the time we have!

Stage Crew Guy: But we have another 15 minutes...

Dr. Pathetic: SHH!!

LOL- --♥Shinestar♥ 02:19, April 3, 2010 (UTC)

Breezepelt

Dr. Pathetic: Alright, Breezepelt, ve vill start vis ze free association. I vill say a vord, und you vill say the first vord zat pops into your head. (A/N: For this chapter, the therapist will have a German accent, 'cuz it's cool. ^^ Raven Randomness!)

Breezepelt: Okay.

Dr. Pathetic: Crowfeazer.

Breezepelt: Hatred.

Dr. Pathetic: Nightcloud.

Breezepelt: Smother.

Dr. Pathetic: Heazertail.

Breezepelt: [response cannot be printed due to this story's family-friendly nature! Yay! :D]

Dr. Pathetic: Um, I said vichever vord first pops into your head, not vichever stream of curses!

Breezepelt: -sighs- This is getting nowhere. I'm out. -heads for door-

Dr. Pathetic: -blocks exit- Look, I agreed to do zis for a cat, even zo I vill not be paid, out of ze goodness of my heart und ze fact zat zis is tax-deductible. NOW SIT YOUR FUZZY BUTT DOWN UNTIL ZE SESSION IS OVER!!!!!!!!! -foams at mouth-

Breezepelt: -mutters, sits in chair-

Dr. Pathetic: Hm. Since I cannot prescribe Prozac for a cat, your treatment vill be to kill Jayfeazer und Lionblaze.

Breezepelt: What about Hollyleaf?

Dr. Pathetic: She's alive? Anyvay, you vill kill zem vis zees telepathy helmet. It is a miracle of modern psychology zat projects mentalic fields so zat you can asplode heads visout leaving your home. Zis is only ze prototype, vich only vorks on heads ze size of cats. -puts it on Breezpelt-

Breezepelt: Uh... it's a colander.

Dr. Pathetic: It is a telepathy helmet if you believe hard enough.

Breezepelt: -believes harder- Oh! I get it now! It is a telepathy helmet! -concentrates-

Dr. Pathetic: Um, Breezepelt-

Breezepelt: -concentrates some more- Thanks, doc! -saunters off-

Dr. Pathetic: Vat have I done? Oh vell, I get a tax deduction out of it.

MEANWHILE, IN THUNDERCLAN TERRITORY!

Lionblaze: Hey, Jayfeather, did you see that rabbit's head asplode? It was right next to us and everything!

Jayfeather: Well, of course I didn't see it-

Lionblaze: Oh, shut it. Wouldn't it be funny if it were someone trying to telepathically asplode our heads, only they aimed wrong? Wouldn't it?

Jayfeather: Now you have been watching too much TV. Let's go home.

Darkstripe

Dr. Pathetic: Welcome, Funkystripe.

Crowd: BOOOOOO!!!!

Darkstripe: NO. My name is DARKstripe.

Dr. Pathetic: Ok, Graystripe.

Graystripe: HEY!!

Darkstripe: No. DARKstripe.

Dr. Pathetic: What's the difference?

Darkstripe: (Cannot be shown because this is a G-rated spoof)

Dr. Pathetic: Stop that, Smellystripe.

Darkstripe: I'm OUT of here! (Runs off stage)

Mossstar: Add on to this! Mossstar of FireClan ^{I change my siggie way too often.} 13:16, July 25, 2010 (UTC)

Dr: Pathetic: Er, commercial break!

COMMERCIAL:

Zaffie: BANANAS! (A.N. =) luff you as a friend zaffles! Yes, Zaffles!)

Leopardkit: Zaffles: Part of this nutritious breakfast!

AND WE'RE BACK!:

Darkstripe (caught in net): BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP you, Dr. Pathetic!

Dr. Pathetic: Now, Now, Skunkstripe, kits are in the audience!

Kits: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

--Leopardkit_{SunClan Forever!} 04:32, August 16, 2010 (UTC)

Tigerstar

Doctor Pathetic: Hello! I'm back again with a new guest! Say hello to Tigerstar everybody!!

Audience: *boo!*

Dr. Pathetic: So, Tigerstar, why are you here today?

Tigerstar: First my father left the Clan to be a kittpet. I mean, what an embarrassment! Then my sisters, Nightkit and Mistkit died and then after that my mother Leopardfoot died. Everything was going fine after that but then I killed the deputy without really thinking it through. After that Firepaw came. He worked out that it was I who murdered Redtail and so I figured that if I killed Bluestar than it wouldn't matter if they knew. Unfortunately Fireheart got me exiled...

• rambles on about the other terrible things he's done*

Dr. Pathetic: Wow, Tigerstar! You are the most horrible patient I have ever met! Get lost!

Tigerstar: But can't you help me?

Dr. Pathetic: You're beyond help! No go! I don't want you terrifying my audience!

Tigerstar: You're pathetic, Dr. Pathetic! This show is terrible!

Dr. Pathetic: Why thank you!

Tigerstar: That was an insult, idiot!

Dr. Pathetic: Why thank you! I borrowed them from Firestar!

Tigerstar: What? Huh?

Dr. Pathetic: Yes, he's got loads!

Tigerstar stalks out.

Dr. Pathetic: I prefer navy...

• goes on not noticing that Tigerstar has gone*

Feathertail: RESERVED

Artimas, all yours!

Thanks!

Doctor Pathetic: Welcome Feathertail!

Feathertail: Hi.

Dr. Pathetic: Now, you don't seem like you have ANY problems what soever.

Feathertail: No, not really-

Dr Pathetic: Then get out.

Feathertail: -but I have a really juicy confession to make.

Dr Pathertic: *perks up* OHHH!!!! WHAT!!!!????

Feathertail: Well, I'll leave, you just told me to.

Dr. Pathectic: NO!!!! That was just....a typo!

Camera Man: How can it be a typo if you said it?

Dr. Pathetic: Hahhahaha! Stay Feathertail! *out of corner of mouth* Shut up Phil!

Feathertail: Well, I've always acted very nice and good because I really do love Crowfeather. He's just so sweet and awesome and....well, ya know. And I wanted him to be happy so I told Leafpool to be with him. Nightcloud, I don't really care cause no one (Including crowy) likes her. But Leafy totally betrayed me and now I hate her!

Dr. Pathetic: Oh!!!! Juicy. And I agree! Leafpool is totally-*Leafpool throws beer can at his head.*....so here's Crowfeather!

Crowfeather: I really like you Feathertail! You're my faveorite! Leafy is a baby and Nighty has BO worse then Tigerstar!*Leafpool sobs and runs out and Nightcloud sniffs herself, then falls over, dead from BO poisoning.*

Feathertail: Really?

Crowfeather: Yeah! The whole time with Leafy, the Erins wrote my lines on my paw so I had to read it. But with you it was the real thing.

Dr. Pathetic: This is so sweet! OK, shows over. *to Crowy and Feather* OK get out.

Feather and Crowy: *Moon over each other*

^^ --Bramblepath^{Brightshadow is mine!} 20:53, April 1, 2010 (UTC)

Tigerstar (again ^^)

This thing is addictive. So here's another one!

Dr Pathectic: And out next guest is...AHH!!! IT'S TIGERSTAR!!!! CALL THE COPS!!!!

Random Guy: Hey! Look at our ratings! They soared!!

Dr. Patic: Call off the cops! OK, Tigerstar. what's wrong with you?

Tigerstar: I have a stalker. He waddles like a duck.

Dr. Pathetic: Who'd be that-hey! A duck? What kind of duck?

Tigerstar: A very fat one. His name is Darkstripe. He would follow me around no matter HOW much I threatened to kill him! What's wrong with him???

Darkstripe: *comes in* I heard that! *Cats fight*

Dr. Pathetic: Uh...

Random Guy: Hey! Lok at our ratings! They just went way down!

Dr. Pathetic: AHH!!!!! TURN IT OFF!!! NO-*click*

--Bramblepath^{Brightshadow is mine!} 22:00, April 1, 2010 (UTC)

Brokenstar

Dr. Pathetic - And now we have...Brokenstar.

Brokenstar-...hi.

Dr. Pathetic- So, I assume you want to talk about your getting banished, or your mother or-

Brokenstar- Actually no. I wanted to tell you that for some reason, I can't stop liking kittens! They seem so cute and funny now and I hate it! I liked being evil! I think it's because I stole some popcorn from the StarClan fridge.

Dr Pathetic- ...well...

Brokenstar- WAIT!!! The homicidal urges...THEY HAVE RETURNED!!!! YAY!! *Starts mauling people*

Dr. Pathetic- OMG!!!! Ah! Evacuate!

Brokenstar- DIE!

Dr Pathetic- Why are you looking at me? No! Stop! Oh my-

) We are having technical difficulties. Please try again. :)

Nothin to good. i like the part where Broken goes 'The homicidal urges...they have returned!!' LOL --Cloudysun^{They will pay...} 22:10, April 25, 2010 (UTC)

Onestar

Dr. Pathetic: (very bruised, scratched, and bloody. About half the crowd remains.) WELCOME BACK! Just to let you know, we have a very reasonable amount of band-aids in the lobby. Help yourselves. Anyways, here we have Onestar.

Onestar: WHY AM I HERE? I AM PERFECTLY NORMAL!

Dr. Pathetic: (waggles finger) Well, the rest of our crowd voted that you should come here, due to some problems you had. Also, caps lock can make people think you're yelling, so please don't use it.

Onestar: I AM YELLING!

Dr. Pathetic: Tsk Tsk, naughty kitty. Anyways, after you became leader, you changed. You and Firestar went waaaaaay back, and now you're just acquantices.

Onestar: It's a love/hate relationship.

Dr. Pathetic: Mmm-hmmm. And directly after you were appointed leader, a rebellion was led against you. However, nobody ever saw you in the battle.

Onestar: I was there!

Dr. Pathetic: Exactly where is there?

Onestar: There was where, which is not here, but rather, it there.

Dr. Pathetic: You are trying to confuse me. It's not working. I'm out of iPawds, so you have my full attention.

Onestar: Fine, I was hiding in a bush, watching Leafpool and Crowfeather.

Dr. Pathetic: Why didn't you help them?

Onestar: Because nobody cares about Leafpool!

Dr. Pathetic: We just had an entire therapy session with her. AND Crowfeather.

Onestar: And then you bidded her off for a thousand dollars to somebody who probably just wanted to maul her.

Dr. Pathetic: Errr, commercial break!

Leopardspot: And that's what REALLY happened! Leopardspot ^{Where's my Fireclaw?} 18:41, May 22, 2010 (UTC)

Spottedleaf

Dr. Pathetic: Hello, people of Portugal, Jupiter and Wisconsin! Today, we're focusing on Firestar's relationship issues! So, welcome SPOTTEDLEAF!!

Audience:*cricket, cricket*

Spottedleaf: Um, hello?! I was ThunderClan's medicine cat, for StarClan's sake! Besides, I don't have issues-

Audience: YES, YOU DO!

Spottedleaf: WELL!

Dr. Pathetic: We were sent a note that you might need our help. By a user named "Sandy+Fiyah4everr123". Nice name.

Spottedleaf: What did I do wrong? I only like, deliver prophecies-

Dr. Pathetic: THAT'S the reason! All you do is deliver prophecies! Aren't cats like Bluestar and Yellowfang more centralized characters than you?

Spottedleaf: Well, I died first, and Firestar LOVED me, so...

Dr. Pathetic: Sounds like a case of Erin manipulativeness.

Spottedleaf: *cries*

Audience: *munches on popcorn*

Spottedleaf: LEAVE BRITTANY ALONE!!!!!!!!!

Dr. Pathetic: All right, who stole the Erin controller this time??

Security guards: *drag away a crazed Sandstorm*

Audience: o_0

Dr. Pathetic: Wow, this is creative!

Leopard: Thanks! Want saltwater taffy?

Dr. Pathetic: Don't mind if I do.

Leopard: Minding.

Dr. Pathetic: =(

Leopard: =D --Leopardkit_{SunClan Forever!} 19:11, July 6, 2010 (UTC)

Mistystar: RESERVED

Wetty! *huggles*

Cinderpelt: RESERVED

Clover's!! =)

Nightcloud: RESERVED

Mossstar! You've got loads of material to work with! =)

Leopardstar

Dr. Pathetic: Hi everyone! Yeah we are back with LEOPARDSTAR!

Leopardstar: WHAT AM I DOING HERE I DON'T NEED ANY HELP I AM AWESOME.

Dr. Pathetic: errrr....yeah

Leopardstar: (PLEASE STAND BY)

Camera Man: Oh great now we have to change the rating to 12 moons and older

Kits: Awwww

Dr. Pathetic: Anyway, Leopardstar, you are OLD no offence

Leopardstar: Yeah no offence :P

Dr. Pathetic: Anyway we have a special guest, Mistystar!

Mistystar: Yo

Dr. Pathetic: So, Mistystar do you think Leopardstar needs help

Mistystar: (sweating and panicing) uhhhhhhhhh umm.....no?

Leopardstar: Seeeee!

Mistystar: Okay she does

Leopardstar: (PLEASE STAND BY)

Camera Man: Okay now it's 36 moons and older

Some young warriors: Awwwwwww

Dr. Pathetic: Uh okay, that's all the time we have!

Leopardstar: You mouse-brain I DONT NEED HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Camera Man: K now no one can watch until our new season in spring.

Senior warriors: awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

♥ Spottedleaf ღ ^{❤ⓛⓞⓥⓔ❥} 02:44, February 12, 2011 (UTC)

Jayfeather:

Dr. Pathetic: So Jayfeather, (sighing) whats your issue? Please, feel free to droan on and on and on and on, I get paid by the hour so, knock yourself out!

Jayfeather: Well (Pause for dramatic effect,) I'm sick and tired of everyone treating me like some usless, helpless, annoying kit...

kits: HEY!

Jayfeather: And I'm sick of it!

Dr. Pathetic: And your telling me this why???

Jayfeather: (Ignoring,) And I've also been hidden behind lies! Even the one about Crowfeather and Leafpool!

Audience: OOOhhhhhh (girls squeal Crowy!)

Dr. Pathetic: Haven't we covered this before?

Jayfeather: (Still ignoring,) And, and, and, then she expects me to forgive her?!!

Dr. Pathetic: (Sighs, as Jayfeather droans on and on!)

25 HOURS LATER!

Jayfeather: But! What about Hollyleaf! My own sister! I can't believe she tried to kill my mother! I mean! It looks bad on a cat's resume if their sister is a murderer!

Dr. Pathetic: (groans, and waves hand.) Security! Please dispose of this chatterbox!

Jayfeather: (Doesn't notice security guards dragging him to a trash can!) And Don't get me started on Lionbl...

Dr. Pathetic: Alright! Peace at last.....

Lionblaze: *walks on with fur standing on end* My brother was bad-mouthing me wasn't he?!?!?!

Dr. Pathetic: *nods*

Lionblaze: JAYFEATHER!!!! *runs off with claws unsheathed*

Dr. Pathetic: And that concludes our show!! *waves hand*

User:Silvermoon101/Sig 23:11, October 10, 2011 (UTC)User:Silvermoon101/Sig

Berrynose

Dr. Pathetic: Hello, everybody! I'm back from rehab early- again

Stage Crew Lady: Uh.... Doctor? Youre reading the wrong script. That's for Lindsay Lohan!

Dr. Pathetic: Oh, yeah! *restarts* Hello, everybody! I'm back from the insane house again! Man, we had a wild party, with Kool-aid and everything...

Stage Crew Lady: Dude, our ratings our down! Stop talking about your life story!

Dr. Pathetic: Oh... uh.... BERRYNOSE! Yeah, he's our guest today. That lump of cream that everybody has a hate/love relationship with! I could just eat him up!

Stage Crew Lady: Not real cream! He's cream-colored!!! Really, did you even prepare for the episode? Like how the author of this is not preparing for her science quiz tomorrow?

Dr. Pathetic:......Um... Here's Berrynose! *audience claps*

Honeyfern Fan #8: Berry! You were like, totally better off with Honey-hon, than her fat sister, Poppyfloss

Poppyfrost: What the heck! Poppyfloss??

Berrynose: I luv you Poppers! *touches noses and purrs*

Audience: *dies from fluffiness*

Leopard: Uh... Let;s get back on topic! *rewinds*

--Leopardkit_{SunClan Forever!} 05:54, November 30, 2010 (UTC)

Ferncloud & Daisy

Dr. Pathetic: (clears throat) She-cats and Toms welcome back to Dr Pathetic! Our next guest is... The she-cat who never sleeps, who tried to chase around Cloudtail! PLease welcome.... DAISY!

Daisy strolls onstage

Dr. Pathetic: So Daisy how may I be of assistance...

Daisy: Well for one thing you can kill that half-dead cat Brightheart, so I can have Cloudtail as MY mate!

Brightheart walks onstage and kills Daisy.

Ferncloud walks on, sees Daisy's dead body, sobs, and kills herself.

Dr, Pathetic: Wow! Brightheart has some serious issues!

Brightheart mauls Dr. Pathetic

Sirens wail!

Dr. Pathetic is put on a gernie and taken to a hospital

Brightheart is arrested by animal control and locked in an electric cage.

Special Edition: Firestar!

Let's make this the best 20th edition!!! =D

Dr. Pathetic: Ello everyone! Today I have a special guest for our 20 edition. Drumroll please.

Audience: *drumroll sound effect*

Dr. Pathetic: Firestar himself! Everyone, give a warm welcome to everyone's once favorite leader

Firestar: Uh, excuse me? I thought I was everyone's favorite leader!

Dr. Pathetic: Well, um, you see, it's just many fans have commented that you have become a Gary-Stu, and have come up with just plain stupid names, and need to hurry up and die!

Brightheart

Brightheart: So, where should I start. I know. It took me so long to become an apprentice!

Dr. Pathetic: Okay...now tell me what you think about this.

Brightheart: Stupid Bluestar...she didn't let me! Why does she need to take her mental problems out on me?!?!

Dr. Pathetic: Why don't we bring her here.

(Bluestar comes out)

Brightheart: Your dead!

Bluestar: I lied to Erin Hunter. I really had three lives left after the rat attack.

Brightheart: Okay, fine. I'll just kill your last life now.

(Brightheart kills Bluestar)

Brightheart: That really helped. Thank you Dr. Pathetic.

Dr. Pathetic: Thanks. Go on.

Brightheart: Okay, Swiftpaw and I went looking for the dogs back when I ws buetiful.

(Cloudtail jumps on stage)

Cloudtail: Your still buetiful to me!

Brightheart: Shut up. Anyway, I was mauled by dogs. And if that pain wasn't enough, I got scarred. Now I am ugly.

Dr. Pthetic: Yes you are.

Brightheart: No one asked you! Anyway, after I got mauled by dogs, Bluestar named me lostface. I mean the nerve of that-

(Beeping noise)

Dr. Pathetic: Well we are out of time.

Cloudtail: Wait...there is one more thing I want to say.

Dr. Pathetic: What?

Cloudtail: YOU CALLED MY MATE UGLY!!!!!!!

Brightheart: (To Cloudtail,) And Daisy called me half-dead

Cloudtail: It's a good thing you killed her! Otherwise I would have done it myself!

Berrynose comes on and mauls both

(Cloudtail and Brightheart maul Dr. Pathetic then walk away)

Super Whitestar 01:32, February 7, 2011 (UTC)

Whitestorm

Dr. Pathetic: So what's your problem?

Whitestorm: I have only one problem. It took me so long to become deputy!!!

Dr. Pathetic: Well you became deputy. Thats better then most people.

Whitestorm: I know but Firestar was chosen over me. I mean...I'm a senior warrior! Come on!

Dr. Pathetic: Then why don't we bring Firestar here.

(Firestar comes up)

Firestar: I'm sorry, Whitestorm.

Whitestorm: So you should be. Since I should have been deputy, you will now call me Whitestar because when Bluestar died, I would have become leader! You are now Fireheart!

Fireheart: What?! He can't do that!

Dr. Pathetic: Uhhhh....yes he can.

Whitestar: Now my problems are solved! Yaaaaay!

(Whitestorm runs off)

Dr. Pathetic: Well thats it for now!

Fireheart: I think I need therapy next.

Super Whitestar 01:32, February 7, 2011 (UTC)

Mossypaw

• Walks into room*

• stage music stops*

Dr. Pathetic: Well, hurry up! I don't have all day here!

Mossypaw: *offended look* Well, I am really ticked off at my parents. I mean, Mossypaw? Why the extra why on the end? What should I do? Get myself mauled like that ugly Brightheart so they change my name?

Dr. Pathetic: Your parents are dunderheads.

Mossypaw: Well, duh! Someone understands! Now, what should I do?

Dr. Pathetic: I don't know. Kill your parents.

Mossypaw: Now there's an idea...

• walks slowly off stage, muttering about ways to kill her mother and father...*

By Nightfern^{Merry Christmas} 23:48, December 15, 2010 (UTC)

Lionblaze

Lionblaze: Why the heck am I here? I don't have any problems.

Dr. Pathetic: Ah, thats where your wrong. *Holds up papers* Here it says that you can take on any warrior that is dumb enough to attack you...and win. I say thats pretty messed up. You beat full-grown cats when you were only an apprentice. What do you say to that?

Lionblaze: Uh...I'm special?

Dr. Pathetic: *under breath* You sure are...

Lionblaze: What was that? *Unsheathes claws*

Dr. Pathetic: Nothing, nothing. Now, there is something else bothering you... About someone named, oh, I don't know... *cough* Heathertail *Cough cough*

Lionblaze: Geez, doctor, you sound sick. Why don't you cure yourself, if your a doctor.

Dr. Pathetic: Between you and me...I'm not a doctor.

Audience member #1: POSER!!!!

Dr. Pathetic: Aw man. No no, no one here is a poser

Audience member #2: GET HIM!!!!

Dr. Pathetic: Uh...Lionblaze, so what about this...Heathertail chick?

Lionblaze: Ok, ok! I admit it! I need therapy!

Dr. Pathetic: Please explain, so the audience doesn't kill me

Lionblaze: Gladly. So, I keep getting these funky dreams.

Dr. Pathetic: Funky?

Lionblaze: Yeah, funky. You see, I used to be best friends with this chick named Heathertail. THen she became my enemy, and ever since then, I get these dreams...

Audience member #3: SPIT IT OUT!!!!

Lionblaze: No need to shout. You see, I always get these dreams now, where she's laying dead at my paws. And you know who killed her?

Dr. Pathetic: Why, no.

Lionblaze: I did!!!! I killed her!!!!

Dr. Pathetic: Thats messed up, man. But you wanna know who's even more messed up?

Lionblaze: Uh... Miley Cyrus?

Dr. Pathetic: Nope. This guys even more messed up. Its -

• Justin Bieber runs in with a chainsaw in his hands. Audience screams and scatters*

Justin Bieber: AND I WAS LIKE BABY, BABY, BABY, OOOOH. BABY, BABY, BABY, NOOOOO!

Dr. Pathetic: Who let her out of her crazy cell?!? Stage crew guy!!!!

Stage crew guy: Yeah?

Dr. Pathetic: Who let the creep out of the crazy cell and gave her a chainsaw??!

Stage crew guy: Oh, I did.

Dr. Pathetic: WHY?!?

Stage crew guy: She asked me to

Dr. Pathetic: Oh, ok

Lionblaze: OMG ISH JUSTIN BIEBER!!!!

Justin Bieber: Aw, look, a cat. I always wanted one

Lionblaze: KOOL! HIT IT, JUSTIN!!!

Justin: I JUST NEED SOMEBODY TO LOOOOOVE.

Lionblaze: I, I DON'T NEED TOO MUCH, JUST, SOMEBODY TO LOVE.

Both: I JUST NEED SOMEBODY TO LOOOOOVE!!!!

Dr. Pathetic: Uh...comercial break!!!!

Gingertail: O_O LOL!!! - Ginger 19:00, February 6, 2011 (UTC)

Skyleap: Oh really? JB? I hate her! *puts earplugs in* Better! --♥ Spottedleaf ღ ^{❤ⓛⓞⓥⓔ❥} 02:53, February 12, 2011 (UTC)

Bluestar

Dr. Pathetic: Now what is your problem, Bluestar?

Bluestar: Well first, my sister died.

Dr. Pathetic: So? No one really likes Snowfur.

Bluestar: Yes they do!!!

Dr. Pathetic: Don't hurt me or I'll call security!

Bluestar: Fine! Second, I fell in love with Oakheart and had his kits. And one of them died so early! (Crys.)

Dr. Pathetic: Well, who cares about the kit. He was just a tiny kit.

Bluestar: Never talk about my kit that way!

Dr. Pathetic: Okay, okay.

Bluestar: Third, I went insane.

Dr. Pathetic: So that's why you were so angry at me. Now let's talk about your dumb sister, useless kit, and treturous mate.

Bluestar: How dare you talk about my family that way!!! I will kill you!

Dr. Pathetic: Security! I have an insane cat here! Please help me before she kills me!!!

(Security comes in and drags Bluestar away.)

Dr. Pathetic: I'm glad that's over.

Mistytar: You insulted my mother, sister, father, and aunt. I will kill you for this!!! (Mauls Dr. Pathetic.)

Super Whitestar 01:40, February 7, 2011 (UTC)

Dustpelt

Dr. Pathetic: Alright our next patient is... *Looks at papers* oh noooo.....

Stage Crew Guy: Somethin wrong, Doc?

Dr. Pathetic: WHO THE **** SIGNED DUSTPELT UP?!?

Stage Crew Guy: Uh...I think it was his mate Ferncloud...she said she was tired of him getting her pregnant with his kits all the time cuz she was done with the nursery, so she sent him here to get his..uh.."problems" sorted out.

Dr. Pathetic: Greaaaat. Alright, send him in.

(Dustpelt is lured on stage with a hunk of steak)

Dustpelt: Ooooh, that looks GOOD!

Dr. Pathetic: You want some steak sauce with that?

Dustpelt: What?

Dr. Pathetic: Never mind. Anyways, lets get down to buisness. How many kits do you exactly have, Dustpelt?

Dustpelt: Four.

Dr. Pathetic: Dustpeeeelt?

Dustpelt: OK, seven. Birchfall, Spiderleg, Shrewpaw, Hollykit, Larchkit, Icecloud, and Foxleap

Dr. Pathetic: Dang, man! You got it going on! What, are you aiming for your own Cheaper By The Dozen show?

Dustpelt: (Stares at the steak in his paws) Err...

(Sandstorm rushes in)

Sandstorm: Dustpelt, are you going to keep me waiting all - (cuts off when she sees Dr. Pathetic and the cameras) You on another talk show about your problems with Ferncloud?

Dr. Pathetic: Another?!?

Dustpelt: OK, yes! I was on the Dr. Phil show!!! But that nutcase couldn't help me one bit!!!

Dr. Pathetic: So where exactly does Sandstorm come into this?

Dustpelt: Uh... Leafpool and Squirrelflight aren't exactly Firestar's kits...there mine.

(Firestar and Ferncloud apear)

Firestar and Ferncloud, point at old mates: LIAR!!!!

Dr. Pathetic: You have NINE KITS?!?

Sandstorm: Not exactly... they're not your kits, Dustpelt. They really are Firestar's.

(Firestar grins and he and Sandstorm leave)

Ferncloud: I give birth to your seven kits AND sign you up for therapy to help you, and this is the thanks I get?!?

Dustpelt: If I give you this steak will you forgive me?

(Ferncloud takes steak and turns to Dr. Pathetic)

Ferncloud: You got any steak sauce?

Dr. Pathetic: Right here (Passes her bottle)

(Dustpelt and Ferncloud leave)

Dr. Pathetic: Wait!!! THeres still two more hours of the show!! I can't leave for my lunch break until the times up!!! Oh whatever, I'll eat here. Hey Stage Crew Guy, can you get me my lunch?

Stage Crew Guy: Uh, that over-kitted she-cat is eating it.

(Dr. Pathetic's eye starts to twitch)

Dr. Pathetic: FERNCLOUD!!!!!!

Gingertail: Mwuahahaha... - Ginger Loves Silver! ^{HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!} 20:13, February 13, 2011 (UTC)

Dovepaw

Dr.Pathetic: Ok, whats wrong with you?

Dovepaw:That's not nice.

Dr. Pathetic: I'm not nice. Now, do you classify yourself as a nut, wacko, or cuckoo?

Dovepaw: Please SHUT UP! I came to talk about my problems with Lionblaze.

Dr. Pathetic: *whistles* BRING HIM IN!

Lionblaze:No, no, don't hurt me! I've already done this torture!!!!!!

Dr. Pathetic: Now, now Lionblaze. You are just here to fight - ah, talk with Dovepaw.

Lionblaze: Can I hurt her just to get out of here?

Dr. Pathetic. No, no, no. I need my lunchtime entertainment. ROUND ONE! *gong sounds*

Dovepaw: You are way too bossy.

Lionblaze: You are way too snotty.

Dovepaw: You are way too special.

Lionblaze: Why, thank you! Although, you are too Mary-Sueish.

Dovepaw:Fightingish.

Lionblaze: Crabby.

Dovepaw: I thought that was Jayfeather!

Lionblaze: Sassy.

Dovepaw: I know you are, but what about me? BURN!

Lionblaze: I..uh...

'*gong* Dr. Pathetic: Round one goes to Dovepaw! Unfortunatley, I only have time for that! You may maul the other cat now.

'*mauling and fur flying*

heheh. Snickers _{We will, we will, rock you...} 18:10, February 13, 2011 (UTC)

Yellowfang

(Dr. Pathetic is sitting in a fluffy chair while Stage Crew Guy sweeps gray and golden fur off the stage)

Dr.Pathetic: Alright, lets see who we - (sarcastically) oh, goody me! Its Yellowfang!

Yellowfang: Hey, Doc. Or should I say, Poser Doc.

Dr.Pathetic: I AM NOT A POSER!!!

Yellowfang: Riiiight. Anyways, can I tell you about my issues?

Dr.Pathetic: I don't know, my pockets'll be pretty full after all this...but what the hay, go ahead.

Yellowfang: Cool. Anywho, here it goes: I gave birth to this bloodthirsty menace even though I was a medicine cat, and nobody knew or cared. He put on a battle that killed a bunch a kits, i.e. Badgerpaw and Mosspaw, and he attempted to kill Bluestar -under breath- not that anyone cares...

Dr. Pathetic: Uh huh. Real nice. Can I get some Hot Choco?

-Stage Crew Guy brings hot choco with whipped cream on top-

Yellowfang: Oooh, can I get some of that?

Dr. Pathetic: No. Go on, I want to drink my choco.

Yellowfang: OK. So after he attempted to kill Bluestar, I murdered him with deathberries. I mean, how can someone live with that, killing there own kit? Oh, and want to know whats really messed up?

Dr. Pathetic: Justin Bieber?

Yellowfang: Besides that. I named my kit Brokenkit!! I mean, who names there son Brokenkit??

-Raggedstar appears out of nowhere, and Yellowfang screams-

Yellowfang: YOU!!! YOU DID THIS TO ME!! YOU MADE ME PRODUCE THE THING THAT SENT ME TO THERAPY!!!

Raggedstar: Yeaaaah...so? I hated him just as much as you did. And seriously, whats really retarded is that you didn't go to the Dark Forest for giving birth as a medicine cat, as you should have. -sniffs-

Yellowfang: -turns to Dr. Pathetic- Do you mind if I kill him?

Dr. Pathetic: Yeah, sure, knock yourself out. He isn't on the guest list, so he won't be missed. Oh, but you and him are already dead, so it won't really -

-Yellowfang rips Raggedstar's throat out and he dies again-

Dr. Pathetic: Holy hay. Now I've seen everything. Do it again, Yellowfang!! Do it to Bluestar!!!

Bluestar: Hey!!

-Yellowfang kills Bluestar-

Stage Crew Guy: Hey!!! I just washed that floor!!!

Dr. Pathetic: Want her to kill someone else?!?

Stage Crew Guy: Sure!!

Stareh: KILL LEOPARDSTAR AGAIN!!! NO ONE EVER LIKED HER!!! - Stareh Kitteh! ^{Roses are red, but violets aren't blue...} 20:34, February 18, 2011 (UTC)

Yellowfang: Word.

Honeyleaf

Dr. Pathetic:Now, honey, what's wrong in the little life of yours.

Honeyleaf:Well, I had a mate, Berrynose-

Audience Member:How could you ever like a thing like that!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Honeyleaf: I did, okay! Anyways, After I died, my sister, Poppyfrost (I will hurt her later) took him and....(she rants on.......)

5 HOURS LATER............

Honeyleaf:And Poppyfrost (curse her) doesn't like me and like, ....

Dr. Pathetic:*snaps awake* Uh, you're done. Okay. Remedy: Kill yourself.

Honeyleaf: I'm already dead!

Dr. Pathetic:Just do it!!!

Honeyleaf:Alright, alright.

[Kids, please, close your eyes.]

Dr. Pathetic:For my next trick, I'm gonna take care of Brokenstar, Firestar, Darkstripe, Daisy etc.

Audeience Member: You got that right!

[{KIDS, THIS WILL NOT BE FAMILY FRIENDLY. UNLESS YOU LIKE BLOOD, GORE, AND FECES OF A MANTICORE, LOOK AWAY NOW!}]

Kids: AWESOME!!!!!!!

SNICKERS ^{What's your color?} 20:50, March 1, 2011 (UTC)

Sorreltail

(Stage Crew Guy is seen finishing the mopping of blood off the stage)

Dr. Pathetic: (black stare) Who am I? Where are we?

Stage Manager: Um...Dr. Pathetic, this is your stage. You're Dr. Pathetic. And we have another interview scheduled for-

Dr Pathetic: INTERVIEW? Nuh-uh, not another one after THAT one. (shudders)

Stage Manager: Too late. In five, four, three, two....

(Insert the fabulous Dr. Pathetic theme song)

Dr. Pathetic: Hello. My name is Dr. Pathetic. I...I think. We return to you today with a new guest, please welcome Sorreltail!

(Sorreltail walks on stage and sits in a fluffy chair)

Dr. Patehtic: All righty then, Sorreltail. So, tell us about yourself, from the beginning.

Sorreltail: Well, when I was born, I was the only girl. My Father never saw us because he was always EVER SO worried about that leader.....eh....Bluestar. And then there was this HI-YUGE fire, and they had to take me into RiverClan.

Dr. Pathetic: You're not pathetic at all, are you?

Sorreltail: Hold up! I'm not finished! Anyway, we were all just playing outside when we got back to camp, minding our own businesses, when a HAWK comes right out of nowhere and grabs my buddy, Snowkit! And then later, Brambleclaw comes and rols right over me, like a log! It hurt!

Dr. Pathetic:...Uh-huh. Go on?

Sorreltail: My pleasure. So later I followed this warrior out of the camp....eh...whatshisname? Uh...Dustpelt?

Rabid Fan Audience Member: DARKSTRIPE, YA' DITZ!

Sorreltail: (glare) Yeah. Anyway, so I'm following him, right? When all of a sudden, he sees me and is all like 'Hey, you're good at stalking. Have some berries as a treat!'

Dr. Pathetic: Now, Sorreltail, you should know it's never acceptable to take candy from strangers- er, berries from mysterious characters.

Sorreltail: Well, I was a kit. Whta do you expect? Anyway, so Graystripe comes in and claws his fur off, and then Brambleclaw gets Cinderpelt, who saves my life by making me puke and stuff. So Darkstripe gets exiled and-

Audience: WOOHOO! (applause)

Sorreltail: ANYWAY, so my brothers and I are all fighting over Sandstorm since she's really cool and pretty! And then,

Rabid Fan Audience Member: WHITESTORM DIES!

(silence)

Dr. Pathetic: Security!

(Security drags spoiling fan away)

Dr. Pathetic: Sounds like a rough childhood, Sorreltail. Glad that wasn't me!

(Audience laughs)

Sorreltail: Oh no, it gets worse! So after Whitestorm dies, I got Sandstorm. My brothers were SOOO mad! It was hi-larious! Until my mother, Willowpelt, got killed by a badger. So we lived with Cinderpelt before going back to the nursery.

Dr. Patheitc: And you weren't even a warrior?

Sorreltail: Nope. So in the midst of my haunting depression, Sandstorm goes on a lovely vacation to find a so-called "SkyClan" with Firestar! And get this: DUSTPELT became my new mentor. He's so bossy!

Dr. Pathetic: And he likes his steak.

(Audience laughs again)

Sorreltail:...Okay. So after that, Dustpelt let me wander out and get struck by a huge monster! So my stupid brothers were warriors and all in my face about it because I was stuck in Cinderpelt's den forever! But I did get my warrior name after three whole moons, they called me "Sorreltail".

(Applause)

Dr. Pathetic: That's....kind of terrible. Sorreltail, how did you get through all that before you were a warrior?

Sorreltail: Hm? Honestly, I don't know. It could've been Brambleclaw, he sure is a dreaming tom. We used to play together all the time as kits!

(Squirrelflight in the background)

Squirrelflight: SAY THAT TO MY FACE, I DON'T CARE IF YOU AND MY SISTER ARE FRIENDS, I'LL TEAR YOUR EYES OUT SO YOU AND LONGTAIL CAN-

(Silence)

Dr. Pathetic: *ahem* Alright, Sorreltail. So you were at your ceremony. Go on.

Sorreltail: Right. So basically I became friends with Leafpool, taking her around camp to collect stuff for her medicine cat duties. It was nice, having a good friend. Until we foudn out that Brambleclaw and Squirrelflight left the Clan to go on some crazy mission without asking! And they said that those flea-ridden fx-hearted two-legs were taking over the forest!

Dr. Pathetic:...I do own a cottage there now, actually.

Sorreltail:....(counts backwards from ten) Okay, I'm cool. So anyway, Leafpool wants to go to WindClan to ask them about something, when they attack us! The nerve! And then a two-leg snatches Leafpool right up in a big shiny barred-box and leaves me! Am I not good enough to be a kittypet?

Dr. Pathetic: Well, Sorreltail, you might be missing the point. Maybe they'd just run out of cages or something?

Sorreltail: Whatever. So anyway, Squirrelfight, Brambleclaw, and Stormfur come back and automatically know about Leafpool disappearing, like Squirrelflight has some magical dream. So we go and rescue her, and Graystripe gets taken away. He was the cat who saved me from death by Darkstripe, and then he was gone.

Dr. Pathetic: How terrible. So you felt depraved and all alone, then?

Sorreltail: As if I hadn't already! So just to top the sad-life-story cake, Leafpool brings this kittypet with her! Cody, and Leafpool doesn't come to see me once! I'd like to give HER some deathberries...

(Audience Boos)

Sorreltail: Well, sorry! So anyway, we were going along the mountains when I fell off! But Leafpool caught me, so I was okay. When we neared the Tribe, Leafpool and I went hunting! And I sorta fell off a cliff, but I landed in a hawthorn bush, so I was okay. And then Brambleclaw came and scolded me, leaving Squirrelflight all alone. Heh.

Dr. Pathetic: So, it sounds asif you have feelings toward Leafpool as well.

Sorreltail: What do you mean?

Dr. Pathetic: I'm saying that you feel deprived when she pays attention to other cats and are constantly with her. You could have some unresolved issues regarding love against her, now might you?

Sorreltail: Not at all! Just, let me continue please!

(Audience applaudes as Leafpool sneaks on the stage out of Sorreltail's view)

Sorreltail: Uh....well, okay? So we're at the lake and Leafpool comes up to me and asks whereher snot of a sister is.

(Leafpool gasps)

Sorreltail: (ignores) So I tell her 'I have no clue'. And she asks if I'll come with her! Well, of course! So we find her sister and come back eventually. Later, I see my friend with that no good Crowfeather and I offer to straighten him out. Figures she wouldn't, she is kind of a wimp.

Leafpool: Sorreltail!

Sorreltail: I-uh, Leafpool! When did you get here?

Leafpool: Just in time, I guess! I can't believe you!

Dr. Pathetic: Hey, Sorreltail, can we hurry up with the story. We only have two hours...

Sorreltail: Sure. So Leafpool doing her ting and I meet this tom, Brackenfur. And he totally likes me, and he's cute and all, but he's WAY old! I mean, he was a warrior when I was born! Sick! But we became mates anyway, since that darned Brackenfur went off with Squirrelflight...

Dr. Pathetic:....I see

Sorreltail: Anyway, so later I tell Leafpool that I'm having his kits and she's all excited. Then they bring back Daisy with her kits, and I'm really excited! I couldn't wait! An dthen I overheard Squirrelflight asking Leafpool if I was kitting yet. It's like her to think I was fat - or maybe she thought I was having Brambleclaw's kits. What a riot! Haha!

(Audience Laughs Nervously)

Sorreltail: So anyway, while I'm in a state of emotional turmoil during kitting, there's all these badgers raiding the camp! One comes in and Cinderpelt tries to save me, and she's killed. And it was all MY fault!

(Audience sighs sadly)

Sorreltail: So on top of watching my idol and my saviour throughout life- she saved me from the deathberries, the monster incident, and now she saved my kits- die before my eyes, my brother Rainwhisker comes in to tell me that my other brother, Sootfur, is dead.

Dr. Pathetic: Goodness! That's terrible! And I'M Doctor Pathetic!

Sorreltail: So Leafpool becomes full medicine cat and I give her the names of my kits; Poppykit, Honeykit, Molekit, and Cinderkit.

Dr. Pathetic: After Cinderpelt?

Sorreltail: Yeah. So anyway, I'm nursing my kits and Leafpool is keeping me company when she suddenly flees the den.

Dr. Pathetic: Abandonment. Wow, Sorreltail, you are one troubled she-cat.

Sorreltail: That's not even all of it! My son Molekit, then Molepaw, died from the cough! Ranwhisker, my brother, died when a tree branch crushed him during the storm. So to fill the void where Molepaw once resided, I kinda tried to become Jaykit's mother...

Dr. Pathetic: Tragic; Abandonment, and then death. And now you're projecting it onto the poor Jaykit?

Sorreltail: Well, I thought his mother was Squirrelflight! he needed a better mother, like me! So later, of course, Cinderpaw falls out of the Sky Oak and breaks her leg. Just like Cinderpelt did, except she was hit with a monster.

Dr. Pathetic: Oh my goodness...(takes off glasses and rubs nose)

Sorreltail: So then Squirrelflight saddles me with Foxpaw to mentor while they go on a trip to the mountains again! I mean, I did like that cuddly ball of fur after a while but still!

Audience Member: Will this be over soon? I have to make dinner for the kids!

Sorreltail: Sure it will! So anyway, Honeyfern, Poppyfrost, and Cinderheart are warriors. I tried to be optimistic during the greencough epidemic, and I was probably one of the biggest helps! And then, Honeyfern is killed by a snake! Personally, I think Briarkit should've just gotten bit, considering later in life she-

(Buzzer sounds)

Dr. Pathetic: (wipes a tear away) And that all for Dr. Pathetic's show! Tune it later for another therapy session....I....I think...

- Fawngaze :D

Crookedstar

Dr. Pathetic: So Crookedstar, what's your problem?

Crookedstar: Well...My name began with Storm, but then it was Crooked, and then my warrior name was Crookedjaw (which sounds pathetic), and I made some promise that no one knows about yet, and Oakheart got Bluefur instead of me..:( BUY MY BOOK!

Dr. Pathetic: I see, why don't we bring in Oakheart and Bluestar?

• Bluestar and Oakheart enter, tails entwined*

Crookedstar: Are you trying to cause more pain?!....BUY MY BOOK! *sobs*

Dr. Pathetic: Bluestar, who do you choose?

Bluestar: *looks at happy Oakheart and then sobbing Crookedstar* Hmmm...Oakheart!

Crookedstar: THIS SHOW SUCKS!!! *Claws Dr. Pathetic*....BUY MY BOOK!

Dr. Pathetic: *runs of stage* Stay tuned for the next session!!

Bluestar: Can I come next?

Crookedstar: *Kills Oakheart*....BUY MY BOOK!

Bluestar: Crookedstar I hate you!

• Show shuts down as Crookedstar and Bluestar fight*

Tigerheart

Dr.Pathetic looks at crowd: Today our guest cat is Tigerheart!

Tigerheart appears out of nowhere in a straight jacket: Help ME!!!

Dr.Pathetic: How do you feel about your father once being a she-cat?

Tigerheart rips through straight jacket and attacks Dr. Pathetic shredding him: My father is a tom.

Dr. Pathetic: looks like Tigerheart is short tempered.

Scourge

Dr. Pathetic: today our guest is Scourge!

Leaders in the crowd run around: He's going to kill us! (All leaders leave(

Scourge comes out and sits on a chair: My problem is the symbols that you can type on this wiki.

Dr. Pathetic: Okay?

Scourge: Well I told Brokenstar that this symbol :) was my evil symbol and he was like that is a happy face. And I told him the mouth is actually a scar. So he was like :-) this is an evil face. And I was like that is my face with a nose. And he was like the the mouth and nose are actually scars. Then I told him this .-/) was a scared face because the cat lost an eye and there is many lines. He responded how do you know if the cats was born with one eye and those so called scars were darker stripes of fur. So I then told him if he thought mine were wrong then he should do one better so he did this $$$. He then commented that all evil cats need money. And I said how do you know what money is and how do you know if I cat was born with darker shades of fur that look like money signs.

Crowd:

Dr. Pathetic: Okay???!??!??!?!!?!??

Cinderpelt

Dr.Pathetic: *Looks at note cards* Our special guest star is, Sinbertelt!

Audience Members: What?

(Stage guy walks over)

Stage Guy: That is Cinderpelt you mouse-brain.

Dr. Pathetic: The person who wrote these things needs to be fired.

Stage Guy: You wrote them.

Dr. Pathetic: Oh. Anyway we have Cinderpelt as our guest star today.

Jayfeather: Wasn't she reincarnated?

Dr. Pathetic:*Looks at note cards again* Due to the intelligence of our mouse-brained technician, Sillywhisker....

Sedgewhisker: *Unsheathes her claws* It's Sedgewhisker.

Dr. Pathetic: Who cares! We were able to create a machine that separates reincarnated cats. So here comes Cinderpelt.

(Cinderpelt pads into stage and sits down)

Dr. Pathetic: So what do you want to talk about?

Cinderpelt: First of all, I was an over energetic, crazy warrior apprentice but then, (Not shown due to the fact we want people to still read this Crackfic) Tigerstar had to set up a (Not shown) trap. I could have stayed behind an listen to Fireheart, but no, I had to be a dumb apprentice, because the Erin Hunter are (Still not shown) and they threatened to kill Firestar.

Dr. Pathetic: Would you care to say why you didn't want Firestar to die?

Cinderpelt: Because...

Dr. Pathetic: We have to have a lunch hack!

Cinderpelt: Lunch hack? Why would you want to hack into your lunch?

Dr. Pathetic: I meant Lunch break,I need to throw these cards away, I can't read them!

(Starts a fire)

Cinderpelt: *Turns to see fire* No! Not a fire. *Walks up to the fire* You killed my MENTOR! *Runs away sobbing.

Dr. Pathetic: There that is done. What happen to Cinderpelt?

Stage Guy #2: He is burning evidence!

Dr. Pathetic: What?

Stage Guy #2: I made copies of the note cards and It says here that the cure for Greencough is deathberries. Any actual Docter would know that the cure for Greencough is catmint! HE IS A POSER!

(Cinderpelt runs back on stage)

Cuderpelt: First you torture me by making me face one of my tormentors and then I found you are a poser. Why, WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME, I WAS GOING TO TELL YOU I LOVE FIRESTAR! *Runs off screaming and sobbing*

Dr. Pathetic: I am not a POSER! Now you have ruined my guest star. LUNCH BREAK TIME! While I go find my guest star.

-In the cafeteria-

Firestar: *To waiter* I would like ham on rye bread.

(Cinderpelt runs in)

Cinderpelt:  Why do you have to do this to me Firestar? I love ham on rye bread.

Sandstorm: Um, excuse me, but he is my mate.

Cinderpelt: Not any more. *Kills Sandstorm*

(Spottedleaf walks over with a tuna sandwich)

Cinderpelt: How can you love Spottedleaf, she doesn't even like the same sandwich as you! *Runs off*

-Back on stage-

One hour later

(Cinderpelt is handcuffed to chair)

Dr. Pathetic: So, how do you feel about permanently breaking a leg?

Cinderpelt: How said it would be permanently broke. * stands on all four legs*

Dr. Pathetic: How did you fix your leg?

(Cinderheart limps onto stage)

Cinderheart: You told me that separating me from Cinderpelt was safe! Now I have a broken leg!

Dr. Pathetic: Ehhh... Get Cinderheart off the stage!

(People in white suits drag Cinderheart to a van that says Fast Track to Insanity Medical Institution)

Dr. Pathetic: I know I cure for your problems! Kill Tigerstar!

(A cage falls from the sky with Tigerstar in it)

Tigerstar: (growls) I was caged in the Dark Forest and then they threw me out of the sky. 

Dr. Pathetic: *Pulls stick and cage door opens and Cinderpelt's handcuffs unlock* Now go kill Tigerstar.

(Cinderpelt walks over and fur starts flying)

{{SUBST:User:Splashcloud/Sig}} 15:58, March 23, 2012 (UTC)

Sol

Dr. Pathetic: *Looks at notecards* Here is the cat that convinced Slashstar to turn his back on StarClan.

Stage Guy:Are you using notecards again.

Dr. Pathetic *whispers* My memory is so bad, Darkstripe has better memory than me, I have to use them.

Darkstripe: Hey you (Censored).

Dr. Pathetic: Anyhow, are special guest star is Sol.

• Sol walks in*

Dr. Pathetic: So, what is your problem. *Unwraps a brand new iPod, puts earplugs on and turns it on*

Sol: Well first of all... *Begins talking about his problems with SkyClan*

Dr. Pathetic: *Turns up volume and starts singing* PARTY IN THE USA!

Sol stops talking and stares at him, along with the rest of the audience.

Ten Days Later!

Dr. Pathetic and Sol: SO I PUT MY HANDS UP, THEY'RE PLAYING MY SONG. *iPod dies*

Dr. Pathetic: (Censored) *looks up to see the audience staring at him. Whispers to Sol* We are being watched.

Sol: *turns around towards audience. Runs off screaming*

Dr. Pathetic: I didn't think the audience is that scary. *Sees a cat with her claws out in the shadows* AAAAAAHHHHH! *Runs off*

• The cats who is Hollyleaf walks up onto stage*

Hollyleaf:*growls* Where did Sol go?

• Audience points to the direction Dr. Pathetic ran*

Hollyleaf growls and runs off.

{{SUBST:User:Splashcloud/Sig}} 02:15, April 2, 2012 (UTC)

Daisy (Again...)

Dr. Pathetic: Everyone, please give a waaaaarm welcome to our special guest, DAISY!!!

Crowd except for Firestar: *silent*

Firestar: I LUV YOU DAISY!! WOOOOOO!!!!

Spottedleaf&Sandstorm: *mauls*

Dr. Pathetic: Ahem... ON THAT NOTE, COME ON IN DAISY!!

Daisy walks in and sits down next to Dr. Pathetic.

Dr. Pathetic: Now, Daisy, wha-

Daisy: OHOHOH WOE IS MEEEEE I HAVEN'T HAD ENOUGH KITS YET I NEED MORE FOOD WHERE IS SPIDERLEG SPIDERLEG GET ME A PLATE OF MEEEEEEEATBALLS

Spiderleg: *comes up in butler suit* Yes, ma'am Daisy, right away, ma'am *runs off*

Everyone except for Daisy: o.O;;;;;

Dr. Pathetic: Daisy, your..um..never this emotional! What's the problem?

Daisy:*suddenly extremely cheerful* I take lessons from Leafpool! All she does at these lessons is sit around and mope about Crowfeather and how she wants to have more kits with him!!!!

(Awkward Silence)

Daisy: I wasn't supposed to say that, was I?

(Leapfool runs out of the crowd, screaming and crying)

Dr. Pathetic: *looks scared* Umm..... COMMERCIAL!

(Sorry. Had to be done again. XD)

Tigerstar: Oink, oink, ZOO PALS!

Darkstripe: *pops in* Zoo Pals make eating, FUN!

Back in the "Normal" Show

Daisy: AND THAT'S HOW I BROUGHT ONESTAR BACK THE MAGICAL CARROT OF DESTINY!

Everyone: HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Dr. Pathetic: Uhhh... that's all for our show!!! Watch us tommorow at 8 AM! BYE!!!!

(Made by the poor acountless girl Nightshimmer, who loves spoofing >:3)

Tigerstar: When you clean your plate, then you see their face!

Briarlight- Reserved

Reserved for Splashcloud.