Warrior Therapy

Hai! I thought after reading ALL those crackfics, that warriors need a therapist. Write a chapter if you feel like it. Edit & add on to chapters, too, unless the author says at the top not to. I'll list some ideas below. Mmkay!--Leopardkit_{SunClan Forever!} 03:40, March 30, 2010 (UTC)

If you want to reserve a character, go to the talk page. Oh, and all the unreserved characters are free to use, and you can do a charater that is NOT listed.

Leafpool

Anyone can edit, just stay NOT totally off topic.

Doctor Pathetic: Hello Everybody! I'm Doctor Pathetic! Today, we're here to work out the problems of our friend, Leafpool!

Audience: *applause unenthusiastically*

Dr. Pathetic: So, Leafpool, why does your life suck?

Leafpool: Well, Dr., One thing is that my mate was from another clan, not to mention I'm a medicine cat, my kits thought my sister was their mother, found out that I'm their mom, then my daughter tried to kill me, and she committed suicide... Should I keep going on?

Dr. Pathetic: I get paid by the hour, keep talking.

Leafpool goes on rambling on about her problems while Dr. Pathetic listens to his iPod nano.

Leafpool: ... And that's why I need your help.

Dr. Pathetic: Uh, yeah. So, Leafpool, to help find the route of you problems, here's our guest- CROWFEATHER!

Audience: *Fangirls cheer on Crowfeather*

Crowfeather: Umm... I thought I was supposed to talk about my new book, Why does my Love Life Stink??

Dr. Pathetic: No. This gets waaaay more viewers!

Leafpool: *Mauls Crowfeather*

Nightcloud: FAIL. You didn't even train as a warrior.

Leafpool: *Mauls Nightcloud*

Nightcloud: *shrieks* Crowfeather, SAVE ME

Crowfeather: Ummm... I'll pass. *Plays Mario Kart*

Leopardkit: xD!--Leopardkit_{SunClan Forever!} 14:34, April 1, 2010 (UTC)

Hollyleaf

Hollyleaf is watching all this and goes back to Doctor Pathetic.

Hollyleaf: You all know how i worship the warrior code, like more than starclan?

Audience nods with scattered, "yeah"s

Hollyleaf: well i'm a half clan and my mother is a medicine cat!

Hollyleaf points accusingly at Leafpool while Doctor Pathetic is lisening to,"Party in the USA" and you can hear some of it

Doctor Pathetic: Oh yes i'm sorry what?

Hollyleaf: I mean how can i be even PART of the clans when my parents did this?

Hollyleaf goes on rambling while Doctor Pathetic puts his ipod on high and starts saying "Yeahhh, Party in the USA!"

You hear some of Doctor Pathetic's ipod going, "Now who's that chick with rockin' hips.."

Hollyleaf: I'm done with this!

Hollyleaf stalks out of studio, not before going over and smaking Leafpool and Crowfeather, then putting on her ipod and starts singing, "If you could see that I'm the one that understands you..!"

Cats: 0_0

Hollyleaf comes back in and takes Dr. Pathetic Ipod and samshes it.

Hollyleaf: Miley Cyrus is sssooo old! Justin Bieber is the new thing! What am I saying? He sucks!

I like it --♥Shinestar♥ 03:55, March 30, 2010 (UTC)

Crowfeather

This should be fun! --♥Shinestar♥ 22:57, March 31, 2010 (UTC)

Dr. Pathetic: And now for our next guest, Crowfeather!

• Fan girls scream his name and go, "Crowfeather! I love you!"

Crowfeather: Can I just ask one thing?

Dr. Pathetic: I get paid by the hour so by all means go on!

Crowfeather: Where the heck did you get a cat trap and a teleporter?

Dr. Pathetic: Well we had to get you here somehow, didn't we?

Crowfeather: Um, okay force is a option.

Dr. Pathetic: Its the ONLY option if you wanna get something done! *says brightly*

Crowfeather: Yeah.... so as i was saying, Why didn't Leafpool stay with me?

Leafpool: *suddenly appears thrashing in a net* OMG HELP! STUPID CAT TRAP!

Dr. Pathetic: And for our surprise guest, Leafpool!

Crowfeather: .... That's how I arrived

Leafpool: * Is let out by men in white suits* Crowfeather! -Fan girls scream at Crowfeather's name- *gasp*

Crowfeather and Leafpool: *at the same time* I'm otta here!

Dr. Pathetic: *snaps fingers and suddenly a cage falls on the pair of cats and they are wheeled back onto set*

Leafpool and Crowfeather: Hey! Let me out!

Dr. Pathetic: *ignors* So we wanted you here for some couple therapy. With the help of our studio audience for questions!

Audience: *cheers*

Leafy and Crow: WHAT?!!?!?!

Audience member: Why didn't you just stop being a medicine cat Leafpool and go join Windclan or have, Crowfeather -Fan girls scream at Crowfeather's name- join Thunderclan?

Crowfeather; I refuse to answer!

Leafpool: As do I!

Dr. Pathetic: We'll we offered Firestar and Onestar a load of fresh-kill so i'm afraid you must answer.

Leafy and Crow- !!!!

Leafpool- Fine! I love being a medicine cat and my clan needed me! And i could never leave my mother,father, and sister!

Crowfeather- I couldn't join Thunderclan *quiets down for a second* Leafy (gasp pet name) may be nice but the rest of Thunderclan, Nuh-uh!

Leafpool- Okay we answered a question, now can you let us out!

Dr. Pathetic: Maybe later, were going to have a bidding war for a month with you!

Leafpool and Crowfeather- WHAT!?!?! @$#!#%%#!!!

Dr. Pathetic: We offered your leaders medicine supplys and more fresh-kill and a kitty-cat bed each, they could do without you.

Dr. Pathetic: First for bid, Leafpool! *snaps fingers and leafpool is suddenly in her own cage high above the bidders for a clear view*

Person: 100 dollars!

Person: 150!

Person: 200!

• goes on until 1,000 then is sold*

Dr. Pathetic: Next up, Crowfea- *fan girls scream and dive for their purses*

Girl- 1,000!

Girl- 2,000!

Leafpool- Oh come on!

Girl- 1 MILLION! I LUV MY CROWFEATHER!

Crowfeather- I'm kinda scared right now...

Dr. Pathetic: Sold!

• Crowfeather and Leafpool are sold for a month*

I really don't know, it came to me, I think I'll do a story on bidding wars for clan cats! --♥Shinestar♥ 22:57, March 31, 2010 (UTC)

Graystripe

Dr. Pathetic: And now for, Graystripe!

Crowd cheers*

Graystripe: it's great to be here Doctor, And I'm so glad-

Dr. Pathetic: *had I-POD on* IF YOU COULD SEE THAT I'M, THE ONE WHO UNDERSTANDS YOU-!

Graystripe: Doctor!

Dr. Pathetic: BEEN HERE ALL ALONG, oh yes sorry?

Graystripe: *rips out I-POD and throws it to the crowd*

Crowd: *Franticly tries to grab the I-POD Graystripe touched*

Graystripe: Now onto me, I mean my love was the DAUGHTER of another clan's leader!

Crowd: *gasp*

Fan girl: I'll love you Graystripe!

Graystripe: no thank you...

There is a knock on the door and suddenly Silverstream, Feathertail, and Stormfur walk in, with Millie who is now Silverstream's BFF and now only think's of Graystripe as a "good friend"

Graystripe: *studders* Silversteam!? Feathertail?!!? Stormfur you're already alive, your not that big of a deal but your back from the moutains! YAY!

Stormfur: I'm Storm that was called to the Mountains now, Dad, Stormfur for short.

Graystripe: A tribe name, i'm impressed

Storm that was called to the Mountains: You should be!

Dr. Pathetic: Yeah you all realize I'm here right?

Crowd shouts, "BOO!" and pelts him with rotton fruits because he interrupted.

Dr. Pathetic: OW! OKAY! POINT TAKEN!

Graystripe: Come on kids, mate, and BFF, lets go!

They all leave

Dr. Pathetic: We'll thats all the time we have!

Stage Crew Guy: But we have another 15 minutes...

Dr. Pathetic: SHH!!

LOL- --♥Shinestar♥ 02:19, April 3, 2010 (UTC)

Breezepelt

Dr. Pathetic: Alright, Breezepelt, ve vill start vis ze free association. I vill say a vord, und you vill say the first vord zat pops into your head. (A/N: For this chapter, the therapist will have a German accent, 'cuz it's cool. ^^ Raven Randomness!)

Breezepelt: Okay.

Dr. Pathetic: Crowfeazer.

Breezepelt: Hatred.

Dr. Pathetic: Nightcloud.

Breezepelt: Smother.

Dr. Pathetic: Heazertail.

Breezepelt: [response cannot be printed due to this story's family-friendly nature! Yay! :D]

Dr. Pathetic: Um, I said vichever vord first pops into your head, not vichever stream of curses!

Breezepelt: -sighs- This is getting nowhere. I'm out. -heads for door-

Dr. Pathetic: -blocks exit- Look, I agreed to do zis for a cat, even zo I vill not be paid, out of ze goodness of my heart und ze fact zat zis is tax-deductible. NOW SIT YOUR FUZZY BUTT DOWN UNTIL ZE SESSION IS OVER!!!!!!!!! -foams at mouth-

Breezepelt: -mutters, sits in chair-

Dr. Pathetic: Hm. Since I cannot prescribe Prozac for a cat, your treatment vill be to kill Jayfeazer und Lionblaze.

Breezepelt: What about Hollyleaf?

Dr. Pathetic: She's alive? Anyvay, you vill kill zem vis zees telepathy helmet. It is a miracle of modern psychology zat projects mentalic fields so zat you can asplode heads visout leaving your home. Zis is only ze prototype, vich only vorks on heads ze size of cats. -puts it on Breezpelt-

Breezepelt: Uh... it's a colander.

Dr. Pathetic: It is a telepathy helmet if you believe hard enough.

Breezepelt: -believes harder- Oh! I get it now! It is a telepathy helmet! -concentrates-

Dr. Pathetic: Um, Breezepelt-

Breezepelt: -concentrates some more- Thanks, doc! -saunters off-

Dr. Pathetic: Vat have I done? Oh vell, I get a tax deduction out of it.

MEANWHILE, IN THUNDERCLAN TERRITORY!

Lionblaze: Hey, Jayfeather, did you see that rabbit's head asplode? It was right next to us and everything!

Jayfeather: Well, of course I didn't see it-

Lionblaze: Oh, shut it. Wouldn't it be funny if it were someone trying to telepathically asplode our heads, only they aimed wrong? Wouldn't it?

Jayfeather: Now you have been watching too much TV. Let's go home.

Tigerstar

Doctor Pathetic: Hello! I'm back again with a new guest! Say hello to Tigerstar everybody!!

Audience: *boo!*

Dr. Pathetic: So, Tigerstar, why are you here today?

Tigerstar: First my father left the Clan to be a kittpet. I mean, what an embarrassment! Then my sisters, Nightkit and Mistkit died and then after that my mother Leopardfoot died. Everything was going fine after that but then I killed the deputy without really thinking it through. After that Firepawcame. He worked out that it was I who murdered Redtail and so I figured that if I killed Bluestar than it wouldn't matter if they knew. Unfortunately Fireheart got me exiled...

• rambles on about the other terrible things he's done*

Dr. Pathetic: Wow, Tigerstar! You are the most horrible patient I have ever met! Get lost!

Tigerstar: But can't you help me?

Dr. Pathetic: You're beyond help! No go! I don't want you terrifying my audience!

Tigerstar: You're pathetic, Dr. Pathetic! This show is terrible!

Dr. Pathetic: Why thank you!

Tigerstar: That was an insult, idiot!

Dr. Pathetic: Why thank you! I borrowed them from Firestar!

Tigerstar: What? Huh?

Dr. Pathetic: Yes, he's got loads!

Tigerstar stalks out.

Dr. Pathetic: I prefer navy...

• goes on not noticing that Tigerstar has gone*

Feathertail: RESERVED

Artimas, all yours!

Thanks!

Doctor Pathetic: Welcome Feathertail!

Feathertail: Hi.

Dr. Pathetic: Now, you don't seem like you have ANY problems what soever.

Feathertail: No, not really-

Dr Pathetic: Then get out.

Feathertail: -but I have a really juicy confession to make.

Dr Pathertic: *perks up* OHHH!!!! WHAT!!!!????

Feathertail: Well, I'll leave, you just told me to.

Dr. Pathectic: NO!!!! That was just....a typo!

Camera Man: How can it be a typo if you said it?

Dr. Pathetic: Hahhahaha! Stay Feathertail! *out of corner of mouth* Shut up Phil!

Feathertail: Well, I've always acted very nice and good because I really do love Crowfeather. He's just so sweet and awesome and....well, ya know. And I wanted him to be happy so I told Leafpool to be with him. Nightcloud, I don't really care cause no one (Including crowy) likes her. But Leafy totally betrayed me and now I hate her!

Dr. Pathetic: Oh!!!! Juicy. And I agree! Leafpool is totally-*Leafpool throws beer can at his head.*....so here's Crowfeather!

Crowfeather: I really like you Feathertail! You're my faveorite! Leafy is a baby and Nighty has BO worse then Tigerstar!*Leafpool sobs and runs out and Nightcloud sniffs herself, then falls over, dead from BO poisoning.*

Feathertail: Really?

Crowfeather: Yeah! The whole time with Leafy, the Erins wrote my lines on my paw so I had to read it. But with you it was the real thing.

Dr. Pathetic: This is so sweet! OK, shows over. *to Crowy and Feather* OK get out.

Feather and Crowy: *Moon over each other*

^^ --Bramblepath^{Brightshadow is mine!} 20:53, April 1, 2010 (UTC)

Tigerstar (again ^^)

This thing is addictive. So here's another one!

Dr Pathectic: And out next guest is...AHH!!! IT'S TIGERSTAR!!!! CALL THE COPS!!!!

Random Guy: Hey! Look at our ratings! They soared!!

Dr. Patic: Call off the cops! OK, Tigerstar. what's wrong with you?

Tigerstar: I have a stalker. He waddles like a duck.

Dr. Pathetic: Who'd be that-hey! A duck? What kind of duck?

Tigerstar: A very fat one. His name is Darkstripe. He would follow me around no matter HOW much I threatened to kill him! What's wrong with him???

Darkstripe: *comes in* I heard that! *Cats fight*

Dr. Pathetic: Uh...

Random Guy: Hey! Lok at our ratings! They just went way down!

Dr. Pathetic: AHH!!!!! TURN IT OFF!!! NO-*click*

--Bramblepath^{Brightshadow is mine!} 22:00, April 1, 2010 (UTC)

Brokenstar

Dr. Pathetic - And now we have...Brokenstar.

Brokenstar-...hi.

Dr. Pathetic- So, I assume you want to talk about your getting banished, or your mother or-

Brokenstar- Actually no. I wanted to tell you that for some reason, I can't stop liking kittens! They seem so cute and funny now and I hate it! I liked being evil! I think it's because I stole some popcorn from the StarClan fridge.

Dr Pathetic- ...well...

Brokenstar- WAIT!!! The homicidal urges...THEY HAVE RETURNED!!!! YAY!! *Starts mauling people*

Dr. Pathetic- OMG!!!! Ah! Evacuate!

Brokenstar- DIE!

Dr Pathetic- Why are you looking at me? No! Stop! Oh my-

) We are having technical difficulties. Please try again. :)

Nothin to good. i like the part where Broken goes 'The homicidal urges...they have returned!!' LOL --Cloudysun^{They will pay...} 22:10, April 25, 2010 (UTC)

Onestar

Dr. Pathetic: (very bruised, scratched, and bloody. About half the crowd remains.) WELCOME BACK! Just to let you know, we have a very reasonable amount of band-aids in the lobby. Help yourselves. Anyways, here we have Onestar.

Onestar: WHY AM I HERE? I AM PERFECTLY NORMAL!

Dr. Pathetic: (waggles finger) Well, the rest of our crowd voted that you should come here, due to some problems you had. Also, caps lock can make people think you're yelling, so please don't use it.

Onestar: I AM YELLING!

Dr. Pathetic: Tsk Tsk, naughty kitty. Anyways, after you became leader, you changed. You and Firestar went waaaaaay back, and now you're just acquantices.

Onestar: It's a love/hate relationship.

Dr. Pathetic: Mmm-hmmm. And directly after you were appointed leader, a rebellion was led against you. However, nobody ever saw you in the battle.

Onestar: I was there!

Dr. Pathetic: Exactly where is there?

Onestar: There was where, which is not here, but rather, it there.

Dr. Pathetic: You are trying to confuse me. It's not working. I'm out of iPawds, so you have my full attention.

Onestar: Fine, I was hiding in a bush, watching Leafpool and Crowfeather.

Dr. Pathetic: Why didn't you help them?

Onestar: Because nobody cares about Leafpool!

Dr. Pathetic: We just had an entire therapy session with her. AND Crowfeather.

Onestar: And then you bidded her off for a thousand dollars to somebody who probably just wanted to maul her.

Dr. Pathetic: Errr, commercial break!

Leopardspot: And that's what REALLY happened! Leopardspot ^{Where's my Fireclaw?} 18:41, May 22, 2010 (UTC)

Spottedleaf

Dr. Pathetic: Hello, people of Portugal, Jupiter and Wisconsin! Today, we're focusing on Firestar's relationship issues! So, welcome SPOTTEDLEAF!!

Audience:*cricket, cricket*

Spottedleaf: Um, hello?! I was ThunderClan's medicine cat, for StarClan's sake! Besides, I don't have issues-

Audience: YES, YOU DO!

Spottedleaf: WELL!

Dr. Pathetic: We were sent a note that you might need our help. By a user named "Sandy+Fiyah4everr123". Nice name.

Spottedleaf: What did I do wrong? I only like, deliver prophecies-

Dr. Pathetic: THAT'S the reason! All you do is deliver prophecies! Aren't cats like Bluestar and Yellowfang more centralized characters than you?

Spottedleaf: Well, I died first, and Firestar LOVED me, so...

Dr. Pathetic: Sounds like a case of Erin manipulativeness.

Spottedleaf: *cries*

Audience: *munches on popcorn*

Spottedleaf: LEAVE BRITTANY ALONE!!!!!!!!!

Dr. Pathetic: All right, who stole the Erin controller this time??

Security guards: *drag away a crazed Sandstorm*

Audience: o_0

Dr. Pathetic: Wow, this is creative!

Leopard: Thanks! Want saltwater taffy?

Dr. Pathetic: Don't mind if I do.

Leopard: Minding.

Dr. Pathetic: =(

Leopard: =D --Leopardkit_{SunClan Forever!} 19:11, July 6, 2010 (UTC)