First my Critue. Winners are at the bottom :D
2056 Riverstone Opening Cermony :
I really likes this story overall and found it quite easy to just sit back and enjoy, as well as a little fascinating in the way that you managed to describe the history of the clans and turn it into an Olympic ceremony; fusing two of your greatest passions.
The grammar and spelling were also very well. I could hardly detect any mistakes in your writing. Your word choice was also great, and you managed to capture the scene perfectly and help me visualize it.
I also like the way you built the character even in a story that didn’t revolve around the characters as much. By showing their excitement in several ways and their reactions I was able to discover what kind of cats these were.
And for my critique, which I promised I would give. This didn’t really feel like cats to me. It felt more like I was watching humans. By giving them TVs, stadiums and shows you sort of drained some of the warrior touch. It felt more like a story about the Olympics than one about warriors.
Overrall, I still loved this story, and I think you have a great talent for writing ;)
M’kay, can I start by saying that I loved this before I even clicked the link you left on my page. I fell in love with it before you did. ;) And I was already a BushXSong, far before you linked that story on my page. Now, to my critique.
The prologue was distinct and the way you worded the words just felt… right… in a way I can’t explain. Like there was no better way to have made your prologue. None. Your words and the fluency as well as the perfect amount of dialogue for a prologue make it just perfect. Perfect.
Fireflower becoming Songpaw’s mentor? That was GENIUS. I love the way Fireflower is quick to change her mind about Songpaw after just a little bit of training and Songpaw changes her views on her mentor just as quickly. The bond that forms between them is one that you know will last until their dying breath. Or Fireflowers. But I won’t give anything away to anyone who has not read Songlfight’s Battle.
Now, to my favorite topic of all… BUSH! He is so adorable and I love the double personality you give him. On one side he is an arrogant and overly-confident tom who Songpaw thinks is stuck-up and maybe is a little jealous of him for being so sure and calm. And on the other side he is a cat who has lost his littermate and is still grieving, something which she can easily relate to. It is the perfect way to kick off a relationship between the two which is sure to come.
My critique… Making Trout? You won’t except that so I will try something else I guess… Ugh... hard work. I want to say Hawkswoop and Patchbird. They are supposed to be the other main characters in this series but it feels as though you have replaced them with Bush and Trout… I thought it would be better if they got more screen time and played a larger roll with the time they had in your stories. But I just love this, okay Rainy? I love it almost as much as I love you! <3
With the Spirit of a fox:
Where do you get these ideas Nighty? And then you say you want to be me for a day so that you can pick my head clean. Psht. You are more than well off. :D
So obviously, my favorite part was how creative this is… Like how did you think of the fox thing? And then using Midnight, and making Hawktalon evil n’ shctuff! It was so creative. I love every idea put into this story, starting from Aaro’s personality to having him blamed for the death.
I also think you did a great job with characterization. Aaro, Hawktalon, Redstar and Midnight all have distinct, unusual personalities that leave a scar in your mind, so that you will never forget any of them. And in doing so it prevents you from forgetting about the story. Their development is also great although Hawktalon never really did learn her lesson :P
And I also LOVED LOVED LOVED the ending. Suspenseful. It kept me hanging and holding onto the second one, helping me zip right through it. It gives you all the questions you need the answers to. What is Aaro’s past? Why did Hawktalon get kicked out of Thunderclan? Who is Clawstar and what does he want of his daughter?
My critique would be the lack of detail, which is visible in the shorter chapters. You did great explaining the characters over time but sometimes I failed to picture what was going on because you didn’t really explain the scene of how everything around them looked and felt. I didn’t waste time reading detail after detail but I think you could expand the amount of description you have a little bit more. This FanFic is still amazing and one that I will remember even when I grow to be a 300 year old turtle :D
Loved and Lost:
I am going to make a confession. When I first opened this story and saw that it was for a contest my expectations weren’t all that high. Because, (no offense to contests but) with all of the requirements for what you must have and who the characters must be, it kind of gives no freedom for the story to be quite as original. But this. THIS. THIS. Was amazing. It was unexplainably amazing. Wow.
I loved all the choices you left your charries to make. Choices between two cats they knew they loved, choices between their hearts and their loyalties, choices between what they believed in and where they belonged. So sweet and heart-wrenching. And watching the consequences of their choices was great too.
Also, the battle was intense. I love how cramped crowded and overfloded you made it. I felt numb when Berrypaw’s mate died, but I must admit I didn’t feel nearly as bad for Owlpaw’s mate. *shugs* I never really liked her.
The ending was great though. I LOVED LOVED LOVED your epilogue. One of the best things was probably the fact that the forbidden romance actually survived and was still going. It is the first fanfic I have read where the forbidden romance wasn’t caught, or one of the cats was killed, or they just decided to end it on their own. It added a great touch to your story.
One thing you could work on might be how quickly the cats fell in love. Owl and Rose was understandable as they knew each other for a while, but there was never anything between Berry and the deputy until you pointed it out all-of-a-suddenly.
Peach Colored Moon:
Incredible. Absolutely incredible. Good job Feather I know this will score high in Rainy’s contest :D
-I loved how Eclipsepaw chooses Peachpaw over Lightpaw. Its almost like those princess tales where the prince likes the humble younger sister more than the stuck up older one, only even more pawesome.
-I also liked the unknown past you gave Eclipsepaw which we never learn but we know is very dark. Nurture and Nature are the two things that supposedly affect who we are and these two clash epically for Eclipsepaw giving a very interesting environment to the reader.
-Finally I thought making Peachpaw kill a cat was a little too cool. LOL, it is so unlike her, and yet she seems to make the sacrifice at the moment. She kills her clan mate so that she can live with her mate. It makes me wonder what might have happened if she had decided that it wasn’t worth taking Lightpaw’s life.
-The thing I thought could be improved was maybe making what you say a little less subtle. Like instead of just coming out and explaining that Peachpaw is this and that, sneak it into the story so you sort of learn it while you are reading instead of just having it thrown at you, which makes it a little harder to enjoy.
I loved this Feather, okay? I absolutely loved this <3
Good story Misty. Bravo, I say, Bravo :D I liked the characters and the nonstop conflict A LOT. It felt like there was always something messed up in the world of these apprentices due to jealous, evil and just bad cats. I love the way you force the reader to continue so that they can get a feeling of conclusion. I also like the characters and their development. You did a great job with all of them bringing out their light and darkness and forcing you to choose whether or not you liked them. And finally all of the romance was great. You made so many different pairings and shippings which all have unpredictable endings. I must say, I am glad it ended the way it did :D My critique would be going a little more in debt. You have a great plot line and characters, you just need to expand on that by rolling out the details, giving a bit more explanation and helping the reader visualize. Great job Misty! I think this is definitely one of your bests :D
From the alleys to the forest:
M’kay this was very LONG but epic nonetheless :D Good job Nunny :P And, as promised, my critique:
The thing I thought you could improve was your tense. And this is going to the grammar queen ;) You kept switching between past and present and sometimes I felt confused. The other thing might be how sometimes you say, “the gray tabby,” and it confuses the reader as to which cat you are really talking about. Sometimes it sounds cool, but when you never reveal which cat it really was it got confusing.
I liked Scorchpaw a LOT as a character. During the battle, for a short while I thought that she might turn out to become a Mary Sue but letting her be defeated by Wetpaw was perfect. She is strong but not perfect. He character is wonderful and she is probably my favorite character from your fanfic. I loved her that much.
Your character development was also really great. I love how Ravenpaw managed to toughen up a little, and earn his warrior name. I still hold a grudge against the Erins for never giving Ravenpaw his warrior name. Scorchpaw had a lot of development too. She went from being a worried kit to an eager apprentice and finally even became a leader of the attack, motivating ThunderClan to join them.
And my favorite part was the plot. I could tell you put time into planning it and it really does show. The order you put the events in and how long you dragged them out was almost perfect. I got a little confused in the battle scene but other than that it was great! I love the way it all unfolded into Brokenstar’s defeat.
NOW WRITE THE NEXT ONNEEEE
The Army Series: The Beginning: No need to say how much I love this I believe… I like the characters in this story. I know you took some of the names from New Generation but that doesn’t make the names or the characters any less awesome. I like Bramblepath’s wittyness (IDK if that’s a word), Brightshadow’s calmness and how he liked to hang with she-cats over tom, and Rainhearts quick mind.
I also like how you made the scenes very well drawn out. I can easily picture what is going on and how so is being done. It is visual and perfect. Not too much details that make the story lag, so that I feel like stopping but not too little that I am confused.
And I also liked your pairings. BrightXBramble is adorable and I do like the idea of FishXRain. They are cute and their personalities match each other perfectly. However, the romance is also where I think you could improve.
The way that Rainheart fell in love with Fishleap was sort of… unseen? Like he saved her at the battle and he thanked her and there was like nothing going on between them, and then later on she just confesses to herself that she loves him, even though they don’t interact at all… it’s a little to suddle and unexplained despite the fact that they ARE cute for each other.
Good job Awshybear :D
The Clan Discover Facebook:
Well since this isn’t really a story I have nothing about it to criticize. Literally. Your grammar and spelling were great and it wasn’t like you really need detail in a story like this. :P Lemme get straight to the only stuff; the good stuff.
I liked the way you combined comedy with romance. It makes a perfect combination, especially in the couples where it is a love triangle and such. The user names were brilliant and hilarious, and they added a nice touch to the story.
Finally, I will compliment your grammar and spelling. Even in a spoof you don’t lack grammar at all. : ) Keep it up!
AAAANNNNDDDD FFIIINNNNALLLYYY!!!! THE WINNERS!
Now, before I announce these I want to make something clear. I love EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM. I wish they all could win. I know they all deserve to win. And I am not saying this to make you feel better. I am saying this because it is the honest truth that comes from my heart. While choosing I felt so torn between the bittersweetness of Loved and Lost, to the wonderful romance of Peach Colored Moon, as well as the creativity of With the Spirit of a Fox... The list could go on and on but they were all so beuatiful. It hurt to chose. It literally hurt to make some of the amazingest stories I have ever read not win. But I promised I would and so I did.
However, I would like to give out a series of smaller awards, before the overral ones...
Most creative goes to... With the spirit of a fox (Didn't see that coming, did ya?)
Most professional goes to... From the alleys to the forest
Best grammar and spelling goes to... Songpaw's loyalty
Most addictive goes to... The Army!
Best evil character goes to... Echoing Hazel
Most detailed goes to... Riverstone 2056 opening ceremony
Funniest goes to... The clans discover fb (dur :P)
Best romance tale goes to... Peach colored moon
Most heartbreaking goes to... Loved and Lost!
Honorable Mention: Peach Colored Moon (it was really close for this one.)
3rd Place: SONGPAW'S LOYALTY!!! Good job Rainy :D
2nd Place: From the alleys to the Forest!!!! I really liked this Ninja :D
1st Place: *drumroll please*
LOVED AND LOST :DDDDDDDDDDD I just love this one! Great job Cinders!
I know I aid there would be prizes but i have no idea what to give... I KNOW! Ill make you all sigies later ;) Congrast to you all or having epical fanfics :D