So I left rather abruptly, and to be truthful I forgot the reasons why... that doesn't matter.
In the weeks since May 15 (I looked up the date of when I left), I have found myself. Completely. I have learned to love myself. I have learned to love life and all it has to offer. I've found my true friends. I've found love (true love? we'll see...). I've found solutions.
See, my depression (yes, I was depressed) crippled me. Close to when I left, I realized that people were insulting me-- and I could no longer accept it. The insults came from all directions, all walks of life, intentionally and unintentionally. I have never blamed and will never blame a singular person.
Now I'm basically going to go through my list above and describe in detail what's up because that seems like a poetic thing to do. So yeah let's go :D
I have found myself. I've come up with a sense of identity that doesn't involve shame of my past and my decisions. I'm learning to be proud of who I am and of my past, and I want to be able to continue that and I hope that I can.
I have learned to love myself. I think this kind of falls under what I said just now. I no longer want to slit my own throat. I have found that I look fantastic in a bikini. I am a strong leader. I am loud and I'm proud. I'm actually planning on tattoos... three on the back of my right hand. One will be a lightning bolt, one will be a small cross, the other will be a green ribbon. The lightning bolt is for my second identity as a summer camp counselor, the small cross is for my faith (no I am not shoving my faith in your face), and the green ribbon is the depression awareness symbol. Those three things define me, so I want to be able to show people my life just by them looking at my right hand. I think it's a cool idea. I'll get them in February when I turn 18.
I have learned to love life and all it has to offer. Man, I'm excited about life right now! It's my senior year of high school, I have a great job with a not-as-weird boss (as I've gotten to know him), I've been offered another job at the place I used to be a junior doctor for next summer... but life isn't about the good things, it's about the hard work it takes to get there. And I'm okay with that, because the "free ride" I got during my junior year was not acceptable. Pain is part of the game, and if it's supposed to be a certain way, I'll be okay with it in the end.
I've found my true friends. I don't have very many in my hometown, but I learned this summer that friends come from strange places and from all over the world (yes, I have ripped crabs off their butts). The thing is that you might not notice a friend when he/she is standing right in front of you, but look around and accept that people care about you.
I've found love. Yeah well one of my best friends asked me out a few weeks ago. No, not Adam, but I'm not "settling" or anything. I'm very excited about our relationship, we're going to make a hammock. <3 <3
I've found solutions. To my problems. To the problems that will crop up. To the issues that I'll deal with my entire life. I'm graduating from high school in January and attending college (but I don't know where yet). I finally got myself a credit card. I'm making my apologies, patching up holes in my life that I've found while rediscovering myself. I know how to keep myself a happy person.
I'm going to share my story. Yes, I'm going to share my story with the world! In early November, I will be giving a speech about my depression and other assorted things to a crowd of 8,000 or so people. It will be filmed, probably. I will stand up there and share my story and share my message and spread awareness of depression, because it exists everywhere, in people that you'll never guess. It can be helped, and it should be helped. Each and every single one of you deserve to live, deserve to love, and deserve to be loved. If you are reading this, I really love you. I have love deep down in my soul for every single person who is struggling, who might start struggling, who has struggled in his or her past. All of you deserve to be loved.
Now to those of you who I left in the dust--- I'm sorry, but I had to live my life. And I am elated to live it without the wiki, so I will continue to do so. I know that I made a huge impact on the wiki, and I'm happy to say that y'all have made a huge impact on my life. The things you guys taught me are valuable life lessons and I use them daily.
I haven't read the comments on my blog that I posted on May 15. In case y'all were wondering. I never will.
Keep on fighting, guys, I'm glad the wiki hasn't gone to dust!
I love all of you and I'll hang around to answer questions.