THIS IS ON HOLD FOR A WHILE. DO NOT DELETE!
This is a SPOOF in which I ship myself with every cat I've fallen in love with from the books.These are the shippings that will take place in the spoof:
Tanglefrost woke up, blinking rapidly to adjust to the sunlight. He sat up and began to was his brown and silver pelt. "What stupid idiot came up with the idea to give me a brown and silver pelt?" Tanglefrost said to himself.
Tanglefrost's thoughts were interrupted when Icecloud, a beautiful white she-cat, entered the den. Tanglefrost looked at her dreamily.
"Hey, Tanglefrost!" Icecloud mewed happily. "Patrol time!"
"Sure! I'll be right out!" Tanglefrost purred.
Icecloud disappeared. Tanglefrost stared after her and, as he did so, started having the most wonderful thoughts. You see, Tanglefrost had the hots for Icecloud, but he was too afraid to tell her. You might be thinking Oh crap. Not another love story, but this was not an ordinary love story! Not only did Tanglefrost love Icecloud, but he also loved many others. He also had feelings for... hold on, let's get the list out here: Spottedleaf, Cinderpelt, Ivypool and Bluestar. This was a majpr problem. Not only did he want to have all of these sexy kitties as his mate at once, but two of these were medicine cats. Three of them were dead in the books, but this is why a spoof exists! Anyway, Tanglefrost didn't care! He was going to have every single one of these cats as his mate, and there was nothing any cat could do to...
"TANGLEFROST! HURRY THE FOX-DUNG UP!" Icecloud's screech brought Tanglefrost back to reality.
For StarClan's sake! Tanglefrost thought angrily. Can't a tom have sensational fantasies of having five mates at once without being interrupted?
"I'm coming!" Tanglefrost yowled angrily. He grabbed his guitar (you may be wondering how a cat can play a guitar, or even know what a guitar is. At this moment, I'd like every reader to take the time to remember that this is A FREAKING SPOOF!), placed its case and headed out for patrol with Icecloud.
"Tanglefrost, what on earth are you carrying?" Icecloud laughed. "It looks like... I don't even know what it looks like. Or maybe I do, and I'm just too lazy to remember."
"It's a guitar," Tanglefrost mewed.
"What's a guitar?" Icecloud asked.
Tanglefrost threw a dictionary at Icecloud's face. "Look it up!" He purred, then, almost instantly,mewed, "I'm sorry, that was uncalled for. Please come over to these bushes where no one can see us, and you are perfectly vulnerable to being murdered or something worse. Not that I'm a psychotic serial killer or anything..."
"Ok, sure!" Icecloud purred, completely ignoring the last sentence and a half that Tanglefrost had said, because, you know, all book characters are stupid like that. I mean, really. Tanglefrost could be a murderer, and she's just walked right in to his trap! Anyway, let's get back to the story.
Icecloud followed Tanglefrost in to the bushes. "So, what did you want to talk to me about?"
"Well...." Tanglefrost began awkwardly. He opened his guitar case and grabbed out the guitar, tuning it.
"Well, what?" Icecloud laughed.
"I've got a little something to say," Tanglefrost purred. He strummed some notes on his guitar and launched in to a horrifyingly off-tune rendition of Bruno Mars's "Marry You".
"It's a beautiful night. We're looking for something dumb to do. Hey, Icecloud, I wanna be mates with you!"
"Oh dear," Icecloud sighed. "Tanglefrost, I-"
But Tanglefrost ignored her and continued to sing.
"Is it the look in your eyes, or is it this dancing juice? Who cares, Icecloud? I wanna be mates with you!"
"Tangle..." Icecloud began again, but Tanglefrost continued to ignore her.
"Don't say 'Nuuu! Nuuuu! Nuuuu! Nuuu! Nuuu!' Just say 'Yes! Yes! Yes! Yesh! Yes! And we'll... um, eat fresh-ki-i-ill off the pile! Off the pile!"
Icecloud facepawed. "Those aren't even the words, you idiot," she laughed.
Tanglefrost ignored Icecloud. He had so much momentum right now! There was no stopping him! Besides, he was almost done!
"It's a beautiful night," he continued, "we're looking for something dumb to do. Hey, Icecloud, I wanna be mates with you!"
Tanglefrost put down his guitar and smiled at Icecloud. "Well?"
Icecloud laughed. "You have a terrible singing voice!"
"Do you want to be mates with me?"
"Well..." Icecloud began. "Tanglefrost, I like you. I really do, but I'm in love with Mousewhisker! I'm so sorry!"
"Oh," was all Tanglefrost could say before bounding away.
How dare she like Mousewhisker? Tanglefrost thought angrily. What does he have that I don't? I'll make Icecloud love me! She'll never be allowed to love Mousewhisker! Suddenly, a wicked grin spread across Tanglefrost's face. He was going to kill Mousewhisker and make Icecloud love him! Then he'd be able to move on to his second love! It would all be so perfect! But first, he had to find Mousewhisker...
Now, Tanglefrost knew he wasn't going to find Mousewhisker without help. It wasn't that he couldn't find Mousewhisker, it was that he couldn't be bothered to find Mousewhisker on his own. Hmmm, Tanglefrost thought,placing his paw on his chin in the Thinker position, who is the one cat in the disaster prone ThunderClan? I mean, seriously, all the horrid stuff happens to them, ha ha, such bad luck- no, focus! Tanglefrost shook his head clear of the distracting thoughts. Okay, so which cat knows where every cat is at one time? Then, the answer hit him. The word "FIRESTAR" appeared from out of nowhere and literally slapped Tanglefrost in the face. How awesome is that?
"Wow, Firestar! Thanks, brain!" Tanglefrost yowled. He jumped up to the entrance of the Leader's Den because he knew Firestar would be there (don't ask how he knows this... Just don't).
"Firestar!" Tanglefrost meowed louldy. "Let me in!"
"Is that the servant coming to clip my nails? After all, I am the mighty and noble Firestar."
"No, Firestar, it's Tanglefrost."
"Oh, come in, Tanglefrost," Firestar mewed, a little disappointed.
Tanglefrost entered the Den. "Firestar, do you know where I can find Mousewhisker?" He asked.
"Mousewhisker's doing a solo hunt in the middle of the territory, which is kind of dangerous in Warriors, especially for ThunderClan cats because the Erins just love us to death! Why?"
"Because I'm going to kill him," Tanglefrost said automatically. Crap!
"Oh, that's fine," Firestar purred. "He was only a minor character. He never got any decent storylines and it was only a matter of time before the Erins killed him anyway. Go ahead."
"Uh... Okay," Tanglefrost mewed, a little confused and creeped out that his Leader wouldn't even care if he killed a cat. Who are these Erins he talks about? Never mind, he must be going mental. Unless he was already mental. Hm... "Bye, Firestar!" Tanglefrost called cheerily, before leaving the Den.
That was easy! Tanglefrost purred to himself before leaving camp to find Mousewhisker. He'd sure have a nice hunting trip, and there'd be a great catch for the Clan!
He laughed wickedly and rather loudly before stopping himself as he realised everyone had probably heard him, which they did, but nobody bothered to ask questions.
Tanglefrost found Mousewhisker pretty much straight away. He was hunting, rather terribly, Tanglefrost noted, but there was no time to sit around laughing about how much Mousewhisker sucked, because it was time to kill him!
Tanglefrost bounded up to Mousewhisker. "Hi, Mousewhisker!"
Mousewhisker looked up. "Hi, Tanglefrost. What are you doing here?"
"Oh, I was going to hunt, but then I thought I'd stop and kill you."
"Er... Um... I meant... Uh... Krill you. I'm going to dress you up like those tiny little fish in Antarctica."
"Uh... I don't follow," Mousewhisker mewed.
Tanglefrost threw a cheeseburger at Mousewhisker.
"Hey!" Mousewhisker protested. "What was that for?"
Tanglefrost laughed. "I just remembered that I actually am going to kill you." He jumped on Mousewhisker and start scratching at him.
"Nuuuuuuuuuuuu!" Mousewhisker cried, trying to fight back. However, Tanglefrost was too strong. He overpowered Mousewhisker pretty much instantly. He grabbed out the rope that he had stored earlier, and tied all four of Mousewhisker's paws to the ground.
"Why are you doing this?" Mousewhisker cried, struggling madly.
"Because Icecloud likes you!" Tanglefrost spat. "So, I have to kill you so she'll like me instead!"
"There's no threat!" Mousewhisker protested. "I hate Icecloud!"
Tanglefrost's ears pricked, and he stopped to stare at Mousewhisker. "You do?"
"Yes!" Mousewhisker cried. "I was going to bring her out here and run her over with a tractor."
"Interesting," Tanglefrost mewed. Suddenly, a wicked plan came to mind. "Hey, Mousewhisker, where is said tractor?"
Mousewhisker lifted his head up and angled his ears towards a shady spot in ThunderClan territory. "Over there," he mewed.
"Oh, cool!" Tanglefrost ran off to retrieve the tractror.
After spending ages figuring out how to work the tractor, Tanglefrost returned, driving it towards the helpless feline commonly referred to as Mousewhisker.
When Mousewhisker saw that Tanglefrost was driving towards him, he looked up, his eyes wide and scared, and mewed, "Hey! What are you doing?"
"You've just given me the perfect way to kill you! I'm going to run you over with a tractor!" Tanglefrost laughed, increasing the speed.
"But... you can't run me over with my own tractor!" Mousewhisker protested.
"Watch me," was all Tanglefrost replied.
And, with that, he ran over Mousewhisker, squishing him under the tyres and drowning out his screams.
Tanglefrost glanced down at Mousewhisker's body. It was a mangled mess, barely recognisable as cat.
"Hey! What was that?" Came Cinderheart's voice.
The sounds of rapid pawsteps meant that Cinderheart was approaching fast.
Tanglefrost got out of the tractor and ran for his life.
Tanglefrost sprinted back in to camp, breathless.
Icecloud padded up to him. "Tanglefrost, what's wrong?" She asked.
"Can't..." Tanglefrost wheezzed. He paused to get his breath back. "Can't explain. You'll find out soon anyway."
And, sure, enough, Cinderheart appeared behind him. She stopped at the entrance to the camp.
"Cinderheart, what's wrong?" Sandstorm called.
Cinderheart paused for dramatic effect, before finally blurting out "Mousewhisker is dead!"
"DUN... DUN... DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!" Tanglefrost meowed.