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Note from writers: Please note that we do not obey the laws of time or space. (or the laws of gravity. Weee! (jumps in the air and floats) )
Also, please leave comments on the talkpage, and rate this comedy!
Leafpool: Hi, and welcome to the first and only Warrior Cats’ Library for the second time!
Firestar: Where’s Squirrelflight?
Leafpool: I was getting to that. (clears throat) Due to an incident involving a practical joke, a banana peel, and the fact that we had several thousand pounds of nitroglycerine in the basement by Squirrelflight’s pet howler monkey, we now have a new assistant.
Everyone: (takes in deep breath)
Leafpool: Ashfur!
Brambleclaw: Oh, no, not Ashfur!
Everyone: O.O
Brambleclaw: (defensively) What?
Goldenflower: Just ignore him. That’s how me and Tawnypelt survived!
Brambleclaw: Survived what?
Everyone: (ignores)
Firestar: (preoccupied) So, if C=hFgY to the third…
Tigerstar: No, no, you’re doing it all wrong! It’s H=GqjsakUWxHB to the 272nd!
Ashfur: I recommend Scientific Formulas for Mouse-Brains, (a reference for everyone not in StarClan) written by Owlstar, Ph. D.
Tigerstar: Do we look like we need help?
Firestar: That’s the dumbest book I’ve ever heard of. It’s probably as bad as Anger Manag—
Tigerstar: We’ll take it!
Ashfur: (checks out book) Thank you, and have a nice day!
Everyone in vicinity: (ducks)
Ashfur: Do you want a bag?
Tigerstar: Uh…Sure…
Ashfur: Here you go!
Tigerstar: (recovers) Now, this will prove I’m right!
Leopardstar and Hawkfrost: As always.
Firestar: Wait a minute! It says here that the formula is actually—
Applekit: A+B?
Tigerstar and Firestar: (stare) (look at each other)
Firestar: I never saw anything…If you didn’t.
Tigerstar: Don’t look at me.
Both: (slowly slink off)
Applekit: Was it something I said?
One of Mistyfoot’s Unnamed Kits: (walks up to counter) I’d like to apply for a library card, please!
Leafpool: Okay, little kit! All you have to do is fill out this form!
One of Mistyfoot’s Unnamed Kits: (glances over form) But I don’t have a pencil!
Leafpool: Oh, Great StarClan, here! (chucks pencil)
One of Mistyfoot’s Unnamed Kits: Or an address.
Leafpool: Just make one up!
One of Mistyfoot’s Unnamed Kits: Okay! (scribbles) Here you go!
Leafpool: Okay, let’s see…address 13 ShadowClan Boulevard…Parentage, the great ruler of the Twolegs…this card is authorized by Atilla the Hun…Oh! I’m sorry, One of Mistyfoot’s Unnamed Kits, but we can’t accept this application.
One of Mistyfoot’s Unnamed Kits: Why not?
Leafpool: Because part of it is illegible.
One of Mistyfoot’s Unnamed Kits: Which bit?
Leafpool: That bit there.
One of Mistyfoot’s Unnamed Kits: Where?
Leafpool: There, see? Where you filled in your name? Where you wrote One of Mistyfoot’s Unnamed Kits?
One of Mistyfoot’s Unnamed Kits: Yeah?
Leafpool: Well, that One of Mistyfoot’s Unnamed Kits is so sloppy, that no one can possibly read it.
One of Mistyfoot’s Unnamed Kits: Oh. …Wait a minute…
Leafpool: Come back tomorrow and try again! (shoves out door)
(Dustpelt walks in)
Dustpelt: Do you have any books on how to pluck all of Firestar’s whiskers off in many different, tortuous ways?
Leafpool: Actually, we have several books on the subject! Tigerstar’s three are due back tomorrow, and someone just checked out Killing Firestar Painfully, written by Scourge…
Blackstar: (shifty eyes)
Leafpool: …But we still have “Plucking Firestar’s Whiskers the Easy Way”, written by Yellowfang, “How I Dealt With Living Among Idiots, and How You Can Do the Same, a Memoir With Instructions”, written by Sandstorm, or would you like “7,643 Painless (for you) Ways of Dealing with the Red-Furred, Idiotic, Completely Perfect, Almost Definitely Robotic, ThunderClan Leader”, written by the author of recently updated bestseller, “739 Ways to Completely Kill Firestar and Then Some”?
Mousefur: (shifty eyes)
Dustpelt: I’ll take them, but do you have any more?
Ashfur: You could always check our card system! (points to giant, overflowing file cabinet the size of Twolegplace)
Leafpool: No no, Ashfur, don’t you remember? We gave that subject its own system because the other one was overflowing, remember? (points to even bigger filing cabinet that’s the size of 13 Twolegplaces)
Dustpelt: (gapes in awe)
Leafpool: It’s organized by pain level, risk factor, type of dismemberment, date published, author, and title!
Dustpelt: I’ll be back in 23 leaf-bares, Ferncloud! (dives in) (literally)
Ferncloud: While we’re waiting, do you have any books on how to deal with losing kits?
Ashfur: We have one, but it seems to have disappeared.
Ferncloud: I wonder where it is…
Meanwhile, back in the ThunderClan Medicine Cat Den,
Jayfeather: (bumps head on book) Ow! Hey, what’s this?
Meanwhile, back in the Library
Daisy: Do you have any Travel Guides?
Everyone: O.O
Daisy: What? Did my fur color change again?
Berrystumpytail: …You…Left…The…Nursery…
Daisy: Yeah, I did! WHAT!!!! (Jumps up, screams, runs back to nursery screaming ‘CLOUDTAIL!!!!!!’)
Squirrelflight: Was that actually Daisy?
Leafpool: Squirrelflight! You’re back!
Ashfur and Brambleclaw: (drool)
Squirrelflight: No howling gorilla-monkey is gonna take ME down! Speaking of which, I need to get back for the 57,639,274,983,272nd round! Don’t wanna break my winning streak! (darts off)
Brambleclaw and Ashfur: (pout)
Leafpool: Unless anyone has more books to check out, let’s sing the—
Quince: WAIT!!!!!!!!! (runs up panting) I need to check out a book! It’s urgent!
Leafpool: (snaps) Fine, what is it?
(Stealthfire and Mosswhisker walk up)
Stealthfire: Leafpool, why don’t you take a break?
Mosswhisker: Yeah, Stealth and I can handle whatever needs to happen. You go sit down. (shoves) Now, what can we do for you?
Quince: I need a book on controlling evil kits.
Stealthfire: I know just what you need. (pulls book out of sleeve)
Mosswhisker: How did you do that?
Stealthfire: I meant figuratively.
Mosswhisker: Oh…
Stealthfire: At any rate, I needed it for something, and I can personally recommend it. (clears throat) Controlling Evil Kin, by Mothwing. There’s even a sneak peek at Code Name—
Mosswhisker: ANY ways, it’s really good. (steps on S’s tail)
S: Ow!
M: (Glares)
Stealth: Anyway, here, take it, NOW! (shoves book into paws)
Quince: Thank you! (reads) Let’s see, kill any siblings forcing said kin to extremes. RUBY, WHERE ARE YOU???????? (runs off)
Stealth: I hope the glue we used holds.
Moss: Shh!! Leafpool, it’s time for your hit!
Leafpool: Thank you. (clears throat)
This is the end of the show,
In case you didn’t know,
But you really should’ve known by now!
This is the end of the Show,
Now let’s all do the disco! (quickly so I can go home and read my book before Jayfeather finds it)
Jayfeather: Too late! (evil grin)
All Apprentices: Yay!