Book 1 of the DurpClan series! Please don't die of stupidity laughter.
Note: Please submit new cats on the sequel page (Link at the bottom of this story) instead of here, as this book is finished. Thank you!
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Join The Dark Bunny Clan! Join it now! 21:40, August 13, 2020 (UTC)
Two words. Love. It. (Oh, and a heart. -> <3) ~ Signed the Well-Wisher
This is beautiful-ly funny! Bwahahahaha bla bla bla that stuff. One foot in front of the other, anybody can achieve a task that seems impossible. 21:44, August 13, 2020 (UTC)
Of course I love it! Divided we stand, united we fall...01:17, August 14, 2020 (UTC)
OMG I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~CloudheartGaming
I love this! I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the water to create many ripples.
I love this too! - Blazing Fire and Racing Wind Firewind
Amazing!!! ~~~~
Allegiances[]
DurpClan (Cat Submission Closed)[]
Leader: Deadstar - A leader that is dead but all the cats still follow him
Deputy: Lardbelly - The fattest cat to ever walk the lake territories
Medicine Cat: Mosspool - Yet another gentle female medicine cat Apprentice: Fluffpaw
Warriors: Chickenleg - Battle-hungry tom who eats his weight in chicken every day
Mousebrain - Scatterbrained she-cat who often eats things she's not supposed to Apprentice: Dumbpaw
Nerdface - Smart tom with no sense of humor
Headchomper - A tom who likes to bite off enemy cat's heads
Buffpelt - Extremely muscular she-cat who beats up everyone
Angellight - The ultimate Mary-Sue, perfect with no personality
Orangesmile - A tom who's mouth is frozen in a smile and is obsessed with orange paint
Mountaindew - A green-tinted gray tom who is obsessed with Mountain Dew Apprentice: Vegetpaw
Midas - Former rogue with a golden pelt and amber eyes who can turn things to gold
Platinumtooth - Silver tom with yellow eyes who is too busy looking at his reflection in water to do anything
Spikyfur - A hedgehog that was teleported to DurpClan and is very confused
Faceplant - Rainbow colored she-cat who consistently face plants into the ground
Apprentices: Dumbpaw - Multiple cats have commented that he was the dumbest cat they had ever known
Fluffpaw - Another gentle female medicine cat trainee
Vegetpaw - White she-cat with amber eyes who usually has leaves wrapped around her and won't hunt or eat meat, although she sometimes steals berries from the medicine den
Queens: Silvertail - Gentle queen who will probably end up dying because of stereotypical plots (Mother of Starrykit, Gangnumkit, and Lasagnakit)
Lilactalon - A blue-gray she-cat with grey eyes, no one knows where the prefix "lilac" came from (Mother of Lovekit, Heartkit, and Foxkit)
Kits: Starrykit - Hairless tom with magenta eyes
Gangnumkit - You never see him without "Gangnum style" playing in the background
Lasagnakit - A kit who can make lasagna land on anyone's head
Lovekit - A she-kit who is a very persuasive talker
Heartkit - A very beautiful she-kit who all the toms like (Even Deadstar!)
Foxkit - The most sane kit in the clan
Elders: Droopyeyes: A tom who is sleeping 23 1/2 hours every day
MurpClan[]
Leader: Cheapstar - Whenever he is too lazy to hunt prey, he buys the cheapest prey possible from other cats
Deputy: Dirtface - He once face-planted in the dirtplace, and he's been called Dirtface ever since Apprentice: Herbkit
Medicine Cat: Addertail - Brown she-cat with black diamond markings and an adder attached to her tail, knows how to use it to heal cats
Warriors: Birdflight - Brown she-cat with lilac eyes, any birds she draws come to life
Woolymammoth - Very large long-haired brown tom with giant tusks
Cucumberflight - Green she-cat who throws cucumbers just for the fun of it
Salamander - An overgrown salamander, is always confused as to where all his salamander buddies are
Cat 1 - A tom who is just a cat. That's it.
Cat 2 - See Cat 1
Memi - A she-cat who cannot spell to save her life
Yellowfang - The same as the one from the books, grumpy and gets annoyed easily
Thymefang - rip off of Yellowfang
Rhymefang - rip off of Yellowfang
Lymefang - rip off of Yellowfang
Apprentices: Herbkit - A very small dark green tom with fur that sticks up everywhere. Constantly smells like catnip for absolutely no reason. He is 2 moons old but got made a medicine cat apprentice early because the medicine cat said StarClan told him to. His only personality is he likes herbs and being a medicine cat.
TikTok-ers: TikTokpeep - Beautiful silver Mary-Sue who doesn't care about anything other than TikTok (Mother of Instagramkit and Snapchatkit)
Kits: Instagramkit - A kit who likes everything, is in a rival war with Snapchatkit
BurpClan[]
Leader: Fuzzystar - Brown she-cat with very fluffy fur, throws hunks of animal fur at cats that disagree with her, has a secret storage of animal pelts for ammunition supply
Deputy: Loudface - Dark brown tom with white eyes, has a crush on Dirtkit
Medicine Cat: Dandelionleaf - Yellow she-cat who will only eat dandelion flowers (not the puff balls)
Warriors: Dumbwing - White she-cat with white eyes, pretends to be stupid to mess with everyone
Yeetface - Gray tom with rainbow eyes who can only say YEET
Cyborg - Metal cat-shaped robot with half it's right ear missing, always ready for battle, kicks clanmates, and attacks everyone
Foxheart - Super massive black tom with red eyes and is really really big. He has really long fangs and his claws are always dripping blood even when he hasn't done anything. He hates absolutely everyone and everything and loves murder, is always angry, and kills anyone who gives him the slightest provocation, but for some reason is still trusted by those of higher ranks
Maggotface - A really ugly golden she-cat, always has super dirty, matted fur and has a lot of fleas. Half her teeth are missing and she's covered in scars, and even water can't clean her. Is always sad because no one likes her (except Foxheart)
Eelegg - Double letter pro tom
Ickysticky - A she-cat who is always sticky with something no one can identify
FOXDUNG!!! - A she-cat who sees everything as the worst it can be
Moonheartshinecloud - Your typical perfect Mary-Sue, often argues with Angellight of DurpClan over who is more of one.
Queens: Twoleg - Obese, bright silver tom who loves everything to do with food and is a known food thief (Mother/father/whatever of Fatkit)
Kits: Dirtkit - Warrior aged she-cat who you don't wanna know how she was born
Fatkit - Very skinny golden tom who has green eyes
Vaderkit - Black kit with permanent whitecough
Forcekit - Pale kit with a strange sense of humor
Strangekit - Named this just for comic relief
Bloodkit - A super big red she-cat with the longest fangs and claws a cat has ever seen, and has bright red eyes and a snake tongue. She's always mad and aggressive, and will kill you for no reason whatsoever. If you call her mom (Maggotface) ugly, she'll kill you and throw your body into a volcano.
Elders: Elderkit - Golden tabby with white and green eyes, most beautiful cat ever. He hates the medicine cat because she stuffed him into the elders den when StarClan told her to. Does nothing except come up with roasts.
Unranked: Spirit - She's basically a ghost and does nothing but scare kits and make memes (mother of Vaderkit, Forcekit, and Strangekit; their father is Lightsaber from UrpClan)
UrpClan[]
Leader: YouTubestar - Red tom with 2 blue eyes and a green third eye, watches everything on YouTube as soon as it's released
Deputy: Tailkit - An actual kit who was appointed deputy when the leader went insane, goes by the name of Tailkit the Mighty
Medicine Cat: Dogbreath - Blue-gray tom who once ate a dog, and his breath has smelled like a dog ever since
Warriors: Lionscale - ginger tom with royal blue colored scales that can't be harmed by teeth or claws.
Stupidhead - Large ginger tom with a black tuft of fur on his head and green eyes, can't remember anything that happened over 5 seconds ago, makes up for some of his stupidity in strength, but can never remember his battle moves.
Dogtail - Blue-gray tom with a short tail, never does not have the OwO expression on, is called "that insane one in the corner" for a reason
Lightsaber - The best warrior of all time, he changes colors depending on his mood and is that weird cats that others respect but are a little weirded out, answers questions with random stuff.
The Eighthlets: Toms who have a specific catchphrase
Payclaw - "Gimme dat prey!"
Jayclaw - "Fly away, or else!"
Ayclaw - "Ay, that mine!"
Hayclaw - "Hey, hay, hmmmmmmm..."
Mayclaw - "Flowers! Flowers! FLOWERS!"
Nayclaw - "Nope. Don't even think about it."
Rayclaw - "Bow down, pheasants! I meant peasants!"
Wayclaw - "We know the waaaaaaayyyyyy."
Queens: Burntface - ginger she-cat with a burnt face from reheating food from Buffalo Wild Wings, and only cares about Cringekit (to the point where she would give her chicken wings to him) (Mother of Cringekit)
Kits: Cringekit - The outcast who tries to fit in but is extremely cringey
Tribe of the Big Banana[]
Leader: Pool that is yellow at Sunset (Yellowpool) - big yellow she-cat with brown eyes and ears and a green tail tip who is good at leading, but only leading like a kittypet, and she was once a kittypet and the tribe worships her
Cave-Guards: Pads That Cracked When Walking (Cracked) - A nasty tom with long dark brown fur with leftovers from 3 days ago stuck in it, cracked pink paw pads and a wet pink nose, smells like a dumpster 24/7
LMAOclaw - A tom whose personality is completely summed up by LMAO
LOLfur - A tom whose personality is LOL
XDtail - See above, except replace LOL with XD
Wind that Whispers your doom - Tries to take over the world
Prey-Hunters: Greeting of Troubled Tom (TroubledTom) - A tom who frets over almost everything.
Hehehe hehehe he - Can't stop laughing
To-Bes: Crawl of Squashed Spider - Hairless munchkin cat who is eyeless and earless and all her legs are twisted. She doesn't need a personality because she's so amazing and is the best hunter in the tribe
Tribe of the Evil Goose (Cat Submission Closed)[]
Leader: Wing of Fried Buffalo Chicken (Chickenwing) - Reddish brown she-cat with a flaky pelt and off-white paws, always sneaks down to a farm in twolegplace and hordes their chicken, which no other cat is allowed to touch
Cave-Guards: Cave that makes Mist Rise (Risenmist) - A dark grey she-cat with amber eyes who squints at everyone and is secretly with DurpClan (know as Darkmist in DurpClan)
Cat that sleeps all day (Sleepycat) - Black tom with yellow eyes who sleeps almost all day every day, siblings are Distrustedcat and Cat that loves beautiful flowers
Cat that everyone distrusts (Distrustedcat) - Gray tom with green eyes. For some reason every cat distrusts him with everything and he hates it
Cat that loves beautiful flowers (Flowerlover) - Gray tabby she-cat with yellow eyes and is deaf in one ear. She loves to pick flowers to line her nest and is therefore clueless and distracted
Eclipse that makes the cave dark and causes all the cats to scream in fear (Eclipsefear) - Dark black tabby tom with dark amber eyes and a white half mask and white tail stripes. Also has a shoft, squished looking face, sits in front of the cave sinisterly waiting for a cat to jumpscare.
Hyperbole of Too Much Heaviness (Hyperbole) - Exaggerates anything and everything.
Alliteration of Alligators Aligning Atop An Apple (Alliteration) - Sentences always end up having repeating sounds
Prey-Hunters: Sun that's covered by clouds (Sun to tribe, Suncloud to clans, which isn't used often) - White tom with orange eyes, for some reason Chickenwing thinks that he's a chicken
Flame that burns like the Sun (Sunfire) - Golden-red she-cat with gray eyes who smells like freshly baked apple pie, her scent attracts prey, making her a bit lazy.
Squirrel that hides in tree (Squirrel) - Dark brown tom with a red tail tip and eyes that change from yellow to green to blue, refuses to hunt or eat squirrels, and sneaks out at the same time Chickenwing does to worship the squirrels
Big Mac from McDonalds (Big Mac) - Black tom with white eyes that has a hamburger bun stuck to his head and only eats big macs
Personification of Whispering Wind - personalizes (cat-erizes?) everything
Simile of Cats like Mice and Mice like Cats - Compares everything to everything else.
Kit-Mothers: Owl that screams in exasperation because its owlets keep jumping out of the nest (Owlscream) - A dark brown she-cat with small white dots all over her pelt, a tan face and a large fluffy tail, bright yellow eyes that are almost neon but not quite, and a long snout. A frustrated chatterbox who can disintegrate your ears from too much noise, and is good at screaming loudly. (Mother of Doeshiver and Eaglepine)
To-Bes: Raven that flies at dusk (Raven to tribe, Ravendusk to clans) - Ginger tom with brown eyes and black legs and can fight like LionClan and TigerClan put together and can't be harmed except for thorns (nobody knows that), is a spy with Risenmist and is training to be a cave-guard
Ocean Breeze that picks up sand (Ocean to tribe and Oceanbreeze to clans) - cream she-cat with golden (the metal) legs and ears. She loves to be in trees and will only eat fish, is training to be a hunter and is a spy with Risenmist and Raven
Wing of Odd-Eyed Dove (Wing) - pale gray tom whose eyes look green to some cats and blue to others, is always confused about why his parents named him after his eye color, if his eyes are blue or green, and since he somehow read all the warriors books, about Dovewing, who looks to similar to him for his name to be a coincidence, is training to be a prey-hunter
Pelt of Blazing Fire (Blaze) - ginger tabby tom with green eyes, he can never take that much damage from smoke or fire, but has a weakness to water and doesn't do well in it, even for a cat not used to swimming.
Kits: Doe who watches her fawn get murdered by a wolf while shaking in fear (Doeshiver) - Dark brown pelt with a white half face mask and white specks on her pelt and a fluffy tail. has her mothers eyes but slightly less alomst neon, a goody-two-shoes who is scared of everything and often has weird dreams of what is happening in ChickenClan.
Eagle that flies into a pine tree than falls to the ground screeching (Eaglepine) - Dark black with a long snout and white stripes on his tail. has his fathers dark amber eyes, a slightly crazy kit who enjoys jumpscaring everyone just like his father, he has about 20 braincells and is not the smartest cat, and is his fathers favorite kit because he will willingly go with him to jumpscare unsuspecting cats.
Twolegplace cats[]
Tom - A gray tom that eats anyone who calls him tom, and because of that he has ate multiple Twolegs
She-cat - A gray she-cat who Mountaindew is terrified will find his Mountain Dew
Plastic Bag - A white tom with black eyes whose head is permanently stuck in a plastic bag
Cantelope - A yellow tom with amber eyes who always yells and will eat anything and everything because he is always hungry
Jar - White tom with his head stuck in a very small jar. He is a kittypet but he just invites himself to go anywhere he wants and the cats just have to deal with it. No one knows how he gets to so many places so quickly
Trump - An orange tom with golden fur on his head and blue eyes. He is completely stupid with absolutely no sense of priorities, selfish and greedy, is physically and mentally weak. Has an IQ of -999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
Fred - A black tom with an eyepatch who always carries a gun and is never seen not riding a unicorn with glowing red eyes
Chicken - Golden tom with red eyes, he seems nice but is actually mean, lazy and weird, and has an army of cursed chickens, so he wants all the clan chicken. Knows everything about the Tribes and Clans
Cat - A ginger tabby and white tom with green eyes, and has no defining characteristics to set him apart from any other ginger tabby, always sounds like he's stoned and offers everyone he sees catnip
Hallo - German Turkish Van who says everything in German
Hola - Spanish Turkish Van who says everything in Spanish
Ahoj - Czech Turkish Van who says everything in Czech
Salut - French Turkish Van who says everything in French
Hei - Norwegian Turkish Van who says everything in Norwegian
Merhaba - Turkish Turkish Van (what?) who says everything in Turkish
liSzUrD - sandy brown she-cat with amber eyes who can't spell or capitalize anything correctly, the long-lost sister of FOXDUNG!!!
Prologue[]
"Cats of ChickenClan!" yowled a cat named Mechakitty, (Who is also a robot), "Because the clans look to us for guidance, we need to make a totally unclear prophecy to help them and make them waste their time trying to figure it out when the answer is obvious!"
"Which prophecy will we give them this time?" asked a white cat with weird black button eyes called Sockpuppet, "Please tell me it's the watermelon, flamethrower, and buffalo prophecy!"
"No," Mechakitty replied.
Thus followed a large argument to choose whichever prophecy the cats felt like giving the DurpClan medicine cat. It eventually ended with Mechakitty exploding and the ChickenClan cats trying to give the watermelon, flamethrower, and buffalo prophecy to the clans. But first, they had to get approval from... (Booming thunder noises) THE CHICKEN GOD!
"Who is going to tell me the prophecy?" Asked the chicken god. There then followed a mass struggle to get as far from the chicken god as possible, but someone pushed Sockpuppet forward.
"We are going to give the watermelon, flamethrower, and buffalo prophecy," Sockpuppet said nervously.
"Okay, I don't really care," Replied the chicken god.
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Mosspool was rudely jerked from her dream of swimming in a giant bowl of Lucky Charms cereal when Sockpuppet came down from the sky.
"Who are you?" asked the stereotypical gentle female medicine cat.
"I am Sockpuppet," replied Sockpuppet.
"Well hurry up and say whatever it is you want to say, or I might miss my scheduled bouncing on top of marshmallows dream," said Mosspool.
"Whatever," replied Sockpuppet. "You have a very important prophecy: The Clans will face unimaginable dangers from a watermelon. The Starry cat must ride the buffalo chicken in order to use the flamethrower of light to save the Clans."
"Okay, now go away!" replied Mosspool, before starting to bounce on a marshmallow.
Here, the author decided that it was too boring, so they decided to spice things up a bit.
Mechakitty's ghost rode on top of a jet plane through Mosspool's marshmallow world, shooting marshmallows with a machine gun. All the marshmallows were replaced by giant mushrooms, which fell on top of Mechakitty's head. All the ChickenClan cats cheered.
Chapter 1: The Fox[]
Starrykit slowly blinked open his eyes for the first time, and immediately wished that he hadn't when he saw a massive fox stalking towards the prey pile. It started eating all of the chicken from it while Chickenleg, a warrior, looked on in horror. He nudged Gangnumkit, who already had his eyes open, and pointed outside the den at the fox, and Gangnum Style started playing as Starrykit and Gangnumkit ran out and attacked the fox.
Meanwhile, Deadstar had noticed what was going on, and he rolled down the hill from outside of the leaders den. When he reached the bottom, a slip of paper flew out of his mouth, which said, "I don't care about the kits, but I would like you warriors to drive out the fox before it eats ALL OF THE CHICKEN!"
Starrykit jumped on the fox's back and started ripping out giant clumps of fur, while Gangnumkit drove the fox insane with background music. Eventually, the fox's ears exploded from hearing too much Gangnum Style, so it ran out of the camp, dragging an entire chicken with it. With a roar of fury, the entire clan chased after the fox, intent on rescuing the chicken from the forces of darkness.
Eventually, the warriors came back with the chicken, while the Teletubbies baby-face sun rose over the forest, doing it's usual weird giggles and creepy gurgles. Lasagnakit rushed out of the nursery and ran to the fresh-kill pile, and his face contorted in rage when he saw that there wasn't any lasagna left! He looked around the clearing and saw Spikyfur finishing off the last piece of lasagna. With a yowl of anger, he jumped at Spikyfur, however, the hedgehog just ate the last of the lasagna and walked out of the way, causing Lasagnakit to accidently crash into Buffpelt, who immediately started to beat Lasagnakit up.
Meanwhile, the kit's mother, Silvertail, completely ignored Lasagnakit's dilemma and walked out of the camp as if nothing was wrong. Suddenly, Nerdface sprinted into the camp, yowling "The flamethrower of light has been stolen!"
Immediately there was disconcerted mumbling in between all the cats, while Chickenleg ran around the camp screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" until the author got bored of spamming the O button and stopped. "Now we can't roast our chicken!"
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Meanwhile, in UrpClan, YouTubestar was admiring a random flamethrower that was totally not the flamethrower of light that his trusty deputy Tailkit slowly dragged it into camp as fast as a kit would be able to drag an actual flamethrower into the camp. "This will make a great music video! I can have some cat sing a horrible song in the background while I burn down the forest! This will be great!" exclaimed YouTubestar.
"But the flamethrower of light doesn't have any batteries in it!" noted Dogbreath, the medicine cat. "We can't use it!"
YouTubestar gasped. "Now how will we make the music video?"
"Maybe if we call Fred, he can get the battery of light so we can burn down the forest for effect!" suggested Tailkit.
"Okay, go and get Fred," ordered YouTubestar.
Suddenly, Fred rode his unicorn with glowing red eyes into camp. "Did someone call me?" asked Fred.
YouTubestar gasped, "That unicorn is so majestic!"
"I heard that you needed the battery of light. I shall retrieve it for you." Fred said (Hey, that rhymes!) as he bounded back off into the bushes.
YouTubestar wiped away a tear. "That guy is amazing!"
Chapter 2: A Star Wars Ripoff[]
Meanwhile, in a galaxy far, far, away (or maybe just less than a mile), there lived 2 tribes of ewoks cats. They went to war with each other on baseless accusations of throwing fish at various cats that exited the tribe of the evil goose’s ceremonial cave, where all chicken was consumed. The camera pans down into the ceremonial cave, at which point it gets hit in the lens by a fish and we need to switch to the actual story instead of the camera, which is lame because this is supposed to be a Star Wars rip-off. A shriek came from the cave. “WE’RE OUT OF CHICKEN!”
This statement was enough to cause mass panic, while multiple prey-hunters volunteered to go out, the leader, Wing of Fried Buffalo Chicken (also known as Chickenwing), decided to go and get more chicken. “I will get the chicken, and I will bring Sunfire and Big Mac!”
Big Mac whispered in Chickenwing’s ear “Leaders are not supposed to sound that noble! Otherwise you are going against the chicken god!”
Chickenwing gasped. “I will try to be more durpy and clueless from now on!”
Suddenly, a burst of light flew down from the sky, and a giant chicken fell out next to the tribe. It was the Chicken God!
“I am impressed,” Said the chicken god.
Then, Sunfire yelled “But there’s some chicken right there! Get him!”
With a roar of hunger, the tribe surged over the chicken god, knocking him to the ground. Under the huge mass of cats, the chicken god could be heard screaming, “You can’t do this to me! I am the great… yahaaarg!”
The chicken god then summoned lightning, killing all the tribe cats and floated back up to ChickenClan, and brought all the cats back to life. They all got up like nothing had happened and went out to find some chicken.
When Chickenwing, Sunfire, and Big Mac arrived at the chicken hunting grounds, where the saw a horrifying sight. There was a chicken with claw marks of a cat on it, and it was NOT EATEN! The Tribe cats started to panic.
“Who would do such a thing?” said Big Mac.
“The chicken god will kill us all if he sees us next to this uneaten chicken! It is a curse to kill a chicken and not eat it!” yowled Sunfire.
“We must escape!” shouted Chickenwing as all three of them decided to run in different directions, and then they all tried to reverse to follow each other and ended up colliding and collapsed on top of the chicken. They all yowled in panic as they ran away from the chicken.
Suddenly, Distrustedcat ran up, saying “I heard screaming!”
“What are you doing here?” asked Big Mac.
“Why are you out without Chickenwing’s permission?” said Sunfire.
“I don’t trust you here,” said Chickenwing.
“Of course, you don’t,” said Distrustedcat sarcastically. “Why else would I be out other than to hunt?”
“But you’re a cave guard, not a prey hunter,” pointed out Big Mac.
“That does kind of seem pretty suspicious,” observed Sunfire.
“Why would you be hunting when you aren’t even a hunter?” asked Chickenwing.
“Because- “started Distrustedcat
“It does seem odd,” said (The author ran out of different words) Big Mac.
“I wonder…” said Sunfire.
“Maybe he’s going to steal the chicken for himself,” observed Chickenwing.
“Why would I -,” said Distrustedcat before he was interrupted again.
“It is a mystery why he came out,” said Big Mac.
“Still, why would he when he isn’t a hunter,” said Sunfire.
“Is it just me, or does this conversation seem drawn out?” asked Chickenwing.
“YOU DON’T ALL NEED TO TALK IN THE SAME ORDER!” screamed Distrustedcat.
“We are?” asked Big Mac.
“I didn’t realize that” said Sunfire.
“It does seem random,” observed Chickenwing.
Distrusted cat facepawed and walked slowly back towards the cave. Suddenly, Big Mac, Sunfire, and Chickenwing saw some hunters from the Tribe of the Big Banana hunting a chicken.
“We need to catch that chicken! We’re out of chicken! CHARGE!” shouted Chickenwing.
The Evil Goose tribe cats streamed down towards the chicken the other tribe cats were chasing and killed it. The cats from the Tribe of the Big Banana stopped. One of them flicked their tail, and a giant army came sprinting down a nearby hill and ran towards the Evil Goose cats. Chickenwing, Big Mac, and Sunfire sprinted as fast as they could towards the chicken cave.
“Help, we’re under attack!” yowled Chickenwing as they ran into the cave. The other cats looked alarmed before pressing a button on the wall, making the cave turn into a fort.
“Oh, no,” said Big Mac.
“What’s wrong?” asked Sunfire.
“We forgot the chicken that we killed!” exclaimed Big Mac.
“You don’t mean- “gasped Chickenwing.
“WE’RE GOING TO BE CURSED!” screamed Big Mac.
This was enough to cause mass panic. Screams filled the air as the cats of the Tribe of the Evil Goose ran about aimlessly.
“Quick, get the anti-curse shield!” shouted Cat that Sleeps All Day, a.k.a. Sleepycat.
Chickenwing quickly ran over to a corner of the fort and grabbed the anti-curse shield and turned it on. Nothing happened. “Why isn’t this working!?” shouted Chickenwing as she frantically pressed the on button.
“It must be out of batteries!” said Distrustedcat.
“Who asked you?” said Big Mac.
Distrustedcat banged his head against the wall. A tree got struck by lightning and fell, lighting a giant fire.
“This must be the curse!” gasped Sunfire.
“We’re doomed unless we can get more batteries of light to power the anti-curse thingy!” announced Chickenwing.
“But we’re out of batteries!” yelled Sleepycat from the fort storage area.
“We’re all gonna die!” screamed a cat from the crowd as they resumed panicking.
“We need to get someone to find more batteries of light!” said Chickenwing.
“But who?” asked Big Mac.
Suddenly, the fort’s back door flew open, and a shadow came across the door blocking the light. An announcer voice suddenly shouted, “It’s the one, the only… DURPA THE EXPLORER AND HER GREEDY MONKEY LOOTS!”
“Shut the door, you’re letting out the air conditioning!” someone yowled from the crowd.
Durpa the Explorer stomped in, pouting. “¡Arruinaste mi dramática entrada!”
“What do you want?” asked Sunfire.
“¡Voy a por las pilas para que me respetes!”
“Speak English!”
“No sé cómo hablar inglés.”
“I hate you!”
“¡Eso no es muy agradable!”
“Just go and get the batteries!”
“Seguro!” said Durpa as annoyingly upbeat music started to play. “Come on, Vominos! Everybody let’s go!” sang Durpa as Chickenwing kicked her out of the fort.
Meanwhile, in the cave, Loots dropped down from the ceiling and stole Chickenwing’s wallet.
“Hey!” yelled Chickenwing as Loots made insane baboon noises and charged out of the door.
Chapter 3: Dumb and Dumber[]
“StarrykitGangnumkitLasagnakitHeartkitLovekitFoxkitYourNamesAreNowStarrypawGangnumpawLasagnapawHeartpawLovepawAndFoxpawAndYourMentorsWillBeChickenlegFaceplantHeadchomper...,” said Deadstar in one breath (via receipt, of course) before he was interrupted by Heartkit (now Heartpaw).
"Could we please become warriors early?" she asked in her most persuasive voice.
"No." printed Deadstar.
"Please?"
"No"
"Please?"
"No"
"Please?"
"glhadjskl;ajsdhajs;ljgksklaj;fdj sure." said Deadstar raging.
"But that's not following the warrior code!" protested Foxpaw.
"Don't care," said Heartpaw.
"OkayYourWarriorNamesWillBeLoveclawHeartleafAndFoxlightNowGoAway," printed Deadstar in one sentence
When they finally realized what it said, the mentors got their new apprentices and went out to do various apprentice stuff. Starrypaw followed his mentor, Chickenleg, and Lasagnapaw and his mentor, Headchomper, out to tour the territory.
One Boring Tour of the Territory Later:
“It’s time for battle training!” exclaimed Chickenleg. “Starrypaw, attack me.”
Starrypaw sprang at Chickenleg and ripped his paw off.
“Hey, you’re not supposed to do that to your mentor!” said Chickenleg as he stuck his paw back on with superglue.
By the end of the battle training, Chickenleg was being held together with band-aids (actually). When they arrived back at camp, they had to have 2 things done. They had to fix Chickenleg, which they did a good job with, and they had to make Headchomper eat magical yarrow to save Lasagnapaw’s head.
Suddenly, Sockpuppet floated down from ChickenClan. "We now have orders from the chicken god to make the chapters have some correlation to the events," he said. "So, to fit this chapter, we are going to throw your brains all across the territory and make you all dumb. Bye bye!" and he floated back up.
Everyone's brains flew to different corners of the territory.
"Go ad fined dos bwains!" printed Deadstar.
Lardbelly, the deputy, looked at the paper with a confused look. "Uhhhhh, what?"
"Ono. Now me no no hau to spel," printed Deadstar.
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...." said Lardbelly.
"StoOp DoIg dAt," printed Deadstar. "OnO, mE copItolOizAton wOng TwO"
From ChickenClan...
"I didn't tell you to make it THAT stupid," said the Chicken God.
"But the title was "Dumb and Dumber," protested Sockpuppet.
"Still." replied the Chicken God as he returned everyone's heads.
Chapter 4: Welcome to the Durp Forest[]
Starrypaw went to sleep after his training was done for the day, which included adding 2,967,542,792,634,205,438,273,840,937,290,457,032 pieces of chicken to the prey pile. When he woke up, he was in a forest that had hardly any light. He squinted his eyes against the darkness, and he could barely make out 2 hooded figures of cats.
“Hello, and welcome to the Durp Forest,” said one of the cats. “I am Darth Firestar- “
“You idiot!” yelled the other cat. “You aren’t supposed to tell people your name! It needs to be kept a secret!”
“Sorry, Emperor Bananaface,” said Darth Firestar.
Emperor Bananaface facepawed. “Why do you have to be so dumb.”
“I dunno. Why?”
“It was a statement, you buffoon,” said Emperor Bananaface as he punched him in the face.
“OW!” said Darth Firestar. “I’m telling Tigerstar the 5000th!”
Emperor Bananaface ripped up a tree and smashed Darth Firestar with every word. “STOP. SAYING. ALL. OF. OUR. BOSSES. NAMES!”
By this time, Darth Firestar more closely resembled a pancake then a cat. He slowly inflated again to normal size, then addressed Starrypaw. “Wanna join us in our plan for world domina-OUCH!” Emperor Bananaface had kicked him.
“Why should I?” asked Starrypaw.
“We have shuffleboard tournaments nightly,” replied Darth Firestar.
“Okay, I’ll join then!” exclaimed Starrypaw. “What do we do first?”
“We go on a tour.”
They walked for a few minutes until they caught sight of a bustling city filled with cats. “That looks so cool!” said Starrypaw.
“Oh, that’s the ChickenClan camp. OUR camp is this way,” said Darth Firestar, pointing at a swamp with a few miserable dens sinking in it, with cats nudging them back up every few minutes. “Welcome to… STINKYLAND!”
As he said it, a large piece of one of the dens flopped over to the side, fell into the swamp, and sank. The other cats repaired it by slapping some mud on some sticks and propping up the den with it.
“Wow, that looks even better!” exclaimed Starrypaw excitedly.
“It does?” asked Darth Firestar. Emperor Bananaface pulled his tail. “Oh, yeah, it does!”
“Where’s the shuffleboard?” asked Starrypaw.
A few moments later…
The Durp Forest cats tip-pawed past the outer boundary of the ChickenClan camp. “Quick, in here,” whispered Darth Firestar, pointing at a door in a large building. They snuck in and started playing shuffleboard.
The ChickenClan cats outside heard loud banging from the building where the shuffleboard tournaments were held. There was some speculation as to what was going on in it.
From inside the building, Starrypaw heard the murmuring and asked Darth Firestar, “What will we do about the cats outside?”
Darth Firestar pressed a button on the inside, and the outside walls started oozing swamp mud. They heard muffled screams of horror and gags from outside as the swamp mud drove the cats away.
“Works every time, it’s that disgusting,” said Darth Firestar. Suddenly, a drop dripped from the roof onto his head. Darth Firestar screamed in horror and ran around crazily, yelling, “Get it off, get it off!” until Emperor Bananaface sprayed him with the fire extinguisher. More slime started raining through the roof, and the Durp Forest cats evacuated the shuffleboard pavilion, tip-pawing back over to the Durp Forest.
“It’s morning!” exclaimed Darth Firestar. “Goodbye.” He pressed a button, and Starrypaw woke back up in the apprentice den.
“Wake up!” yelled Chickenleg. “More training!”
Starrypaw walked out of the apprentice den. “I had a dream that I met all these weird cats and we all played shuffleboard!”
“Shuffleboard,” said Chickenleg
“Yes, shuffleboard.”
“That seems like a good idea.”
10 Minutes Later…
A new shuffleboard court, complete with viewing stands, sat where the elder’s den used to be. “Elders can sleep in the shuffleboard court!” exclaimed Chickenleg. “They’ll love it!”
The next night, it started pouring. The shuffleboard court had no roof. Droopyeyes, the clan’s single elder, slept through the entire thing. Otherwise he wouldn’t have his required 23 ½ hours of sleep.
Chapter 5: The Gathering[]
A few days later it was time for the Gathering. It would be Starrypaw’s first gathering. Deadstar printed the list of cats to go to the gathering, which included Starrypaw, Chickenleg, Dumbpaw, Fluffpaw, Orangesmile, Headchomper, and Nerdface, along with the deputy, Lardbelly, and the medicine cat, Mosspool. The journey to the gathering island was longer than it should have been because Dumbpaw kept crashing into every tree he passed by.
They crossed the tree bridge, and only had to rescue Dumbpaw three times on the way there. When they arrived, the clan immediately dispersed to talk with others. Starrypaw sat alone because he was too awesome to socialize with anyone else.
3 of the leaders, Deadstar, Cheapstar, and Fuzzystar, looked around confused. “Where’s YouTubestar and UrpClan?” ask Cheapstar while snatching a penny from inside Fuzzystar’s pelt.
Suddenly, disco music played as YouTubestar led UrpClan in a backwards moonwalk across the tree bridge. They started moonwalking around the gathering island while brightly colored fireworks burst over the trees on the island.
“YouTubestar,” muttered Fuzzystar. “Always needs to make a flashy entrance.”
“Hey, you ruined my music video!” complained YouTubestar as he jumped onto the gathering tree.
“Alright, NOW can we begin?” printed Deadstar.
“I SHALL GO FIRST!” yelled YouTubestar as he pushed Deadstar to a different branch on the tree. “MY CLAN IS AWESOME! WE DON’T HAVE ANY BAD NEWS BECAUSE WE’RE SO AWESOME!!!!!!!!”
Cheapstar shoved YouTubestar off the branch, making him fall on top of Tailkit. “I’M LOUDER THAN HIM!” screamed Cheapstar. “I HAVE EVEN LESS BAD NEWS BECAUSE I AM SO AWESOME!!!!!!!!!”
Deadstar lassoed Cheapstar with a long receipt and flung him on top of YouTubestar, while printing “WE HAVE LESS PROBLEMS THEN EITHER OF YOU!!!!! BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
Fuzzystar threw a piece of animal pelt at Deadstar, knocking him onto the growing pile of clan leaders. She jumped onto the branch and screamed “WE DON’T HAVE ANY NEWS EITHER!” before getting her paws tangled in Deadstar’s receipt and fell onto the pile. A giant boulder randomly fell off the top of the tree and knocked the leaders all over the island.
When they finally managed to get their clan together, they started to leave when Starrypaw realized that he had no more money. He knew from the disconcerted mumbling that everyone else was missing their money too. He realized who took it as he saw Cheapstar with his pelt jangling sneaking across the tree bridge. Starrypaw chased after him because he wanted his money back. He followed Cheapstar across the forest and into Twolegplace.
Cheapstar kept walking until he came to an abandoned Twoleg nest and walked inside. Starrypaw peeked through a hole in the roof (he’s awesome, and awesomeness is enough to get you onto the roof of any building). Inside, there was a giant pit filled with money. Suddenly, a large red crab came scuttling out of a door. Cheapstar dumped everyone’s money in the pit. “Do you think we have enough money, Mr. Krabs?”
“Money money money money money!” replied Mr. Krabs.
“Yeah, I agree. Needs more,” replied Cheapstar.
When Cheapstar left the building, Starrypaw jumped in and started scooping up cash from the pool. He turned to leave when he heard a noise behind him. He turned around and Mr. Krabs was attacking! He grabbed onto Starrypaw’s tail and pulled it, as Starrypaw sliced one of Mr. Krabs claws off. Mr. Krabs hissed and grabbed his claw before retreating into the back room.
Starrypaw spent the rest of his evening eating a Big Mac, defending it from the other DurpClan cats (there was a close call with Lasagnapaw earlier on), and wondering whether this scene added anything at all to the plot. He decided that it didn’t.
Chapter 6: Finally Introducing the Watermelon[]
Somewhere to the west of the lake territories where the Clans live (in cat speak, face the highledge and turn left (No, I didn’t research that (I hate putting parentheses inside of parentheses (I have no idea if I spelt that right (WHY?))))) was the SkyClan camp. SkyClan had been eaten by giant watermelon-throwing badgers. The badgers had banded together and formed WatermelonClan. The leader, Watermelonstar, went up to the “I’m too lazy to research the real name” clan addressing platform© (Really, who would name their product that? (I guess there are some crazy people out there (Oh, no, I’m doing it again (WHYYYYYY? (The why was word #5555 (Don’t go counting that, you’ll be here forever (Before you ask, yes, I used word count (Try and stop me (I bet I’m driving you all insane (Huh? (Wow, 10 in a row)))))))))). Their deputy, Watermelon (I know, not creative (I mean, really, why? (I’ll stop doing this now (It ranks upon my top 5 annoying habits, along with making duck noises in quiet rooms and throwing bananas at clan cats (You can thank me later for all the bananas I’ve provided for the cats))))) threw a watermelon at Watermelonstar, a sign of submission, while at the same time mauling our heroic author for overly redundant use of parentheses (I mean really, who decided how to spell that word. It’s like mayonnaise and supercalifragilisticexpedal-, umm, supercalim-, (I give up. Even spellcheck doesn’t know what I mean)). One badger grunted. Another one grunted (How can you even see the text through this nonsense? (I’m trying to make the longest paragraph possible but failing (hopefully text in parentheses counts))). A random rabbit watching with confusion finally is finishing dismantling his good chicken wings (writing a sentence without E’s is hard). If this seemed confusing, that’s because it was being told by Lasagnapaw, who had joined Chickenleg to raid the chicken lasagna factory. Lasagnapaw memorized it, left to continue the raid, and immediately forgot about it, because it would be lame to spoil the surprise.
So, the watermelon- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I’ll give you a hundred dollars if you can figure out what that is meant to stand for).
Chapter 7: “It Couldn’t Get Any Worse, Could It?”[]
Meanwhile, back at the Tribe of the Evil Goose’s camp, things were on fire. The tree was rolling around randomly, lighting more things on fire. “We’re going to be cursed!” yelled Big Mac.
“You said that in the last chapter we were in! Also, we’ve already been cursed!” screamed Chickenwing.
“At least it couldn’t get any worse,” said Sunfire. “Could it?”
Outside, the Tribe of the Evil Banana was setting up cat-apults (See what I did there?). They dragged a big log over another log and placed a giant rock on one end.
When it was done, Yellowpool ordered Cackling Chicken, Fail, and LOLfur to jump on the other end at the same time. When they did, the rock flew up into the air. The Tribe of the Evil Banana cheered as the rock flew up into the sky, while Cackling Chicken and LOLfur laughed hysterically. Every cat was looking expectantly at the fort… until the rock fell on Fail’s head. A concerted groan went through the Tribe as Cackling Chicken and LOLfur choked and started cackling even harder.
Suddenly, the fire randomly spread ridiculously fast and lit the catapult on fire. “NO, NOT THE CATAPULT!” yelled Yellowpool as Cackling Chicken turned into a chicken and continued to cackle madly. Multiple cats ran over to the catapult and started blowing on it, but the fire just got blown into Cackling Chicken and lit him on fire. The smell of burning feathers filled the air as Cackling Chicken, still cackling, turned into a giant fireball.
All the cats looked on in horror until Grumpycat trudged on with a fire extinguisher and put out Cackling Chicken, then threw it into the forest. “SAVE THE CATAPULT!!!!!!!!” screamed Yellowpool.
“Why don’t you just use those grenades?” asked XDtail. He picked up a grenade and threw it, but he slipped as he tried to throw it and it flew backwards and hit Fail, who had just managed to pull herself out from under the boulder. Everyone winced as a massive explosion blew up Fail. It also destroyed the catapult.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!” screamed Yellowpool.
Suddenly Fail fell from the sky and landed on the Evil Goose Fort with a massive explosion, which knocked down the fort. The cats cheered until the fort bounced and landed undamaged 10 feet away from its original position.
Epilogue[]
Starrypaw pressed a button, and the world blew up. The End. (Just kidding (Or am I? (I couldn’t resist annoying you with one more stacked parentheses (Why is it even spelled like that anyway?))))
Epilogue 2.0[]
In ChickenClan, Sockpuppet was panicking. “WE DIDN’T FOLLOW THE TITLE!”
“What do you mean, we didn’t follow the title?” asked Mechakitty’s ghost.
“Starrypaw never became Starrystar so the title is wrong because there is no Starrystar!!!!!!!”
“Okay, whatever.”
The Chicken god arrived. “I will help!”
Starrystar’s Prophecy
Starrypaw’s Prophecy
“But the prophecy was given to Mosspool! How is it Starrystar’s?”
“Grr.”
Mosspool’s Prophecy
“That doesn’t have the same ring to it.”
“WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?” screamed the Chicken God as his head exploded.
Book 2[]
WILL Starrypaw fail again?
WHO will get the batteries of light?
WHY does this book even exist?
Find out… after this commercial break!
Firestar: Wendy’s is the best restaurant! Come to… AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
(Angry mob of cats chase Firestar off a cliff)
Announcer: COME TO WENDY’S!
Read Quest for the Batteries of Light, the next book in the most awesome durpy series in existence!