Mmm, I'm quite interested in your story so far. ^^
I noticed four little mistakes, though;
'"I'm dieing!" she whispered.' (Dieing = dying)
'and she was pregnant with our leader Dawnstars kits.' (our leader Dawnstars kits = our leader, Dawnstar's kits.)
'Rosetail was my mothers sister and the clans medicine cat.' (my mothers sister = my mother's sister & the clans medicine cat = the clan's medicine cat)
Other than that, I think it's very nice so far. I'll be eagerly awaiting more!
(Pardon if I'm a bit harsh... hanging around fanfiction.net can do that to you. ^^) Squall Leonhart "M a y b e . I ' m . a . L i o n .x" 00:51, August 11, 2010 (UTC)
Okay. The guy above is right, it's good. But I've noticed a few more mistakes:
squirmed until I let go of his tail, "That hurt!" he yowled, "GET HER!" = tail. "That hurt!" he yowled. "GET HER!"
chargered after me. = charged after me.
"Mother help!" = "Mother, help!"
my litter mates with one paw. = my littermates with one paw.
his nose and she fell onto her back. = his nose and he fell onto his back., or her nose and she fell onto her back.
she let out a horse meow. = she let out a hoarse meow.
"I'm dieing!" she whispered. = "I'm dying!" she whispered.
crossly hissed. "You kits shouldn't joke = crossly hissed, "You kits shouldn't joke
a moon and she was = a moon, and she was
leader Dawnstars kits. = leader Dawnstar's kits.
our mothers first = our mother's first
litter so Patchpetal = litter, so Patchpetal
out with us a lot, "Raindrop is right, = out with us alot. "Raindrop is right.
she would know = She would know
Rosetail," Rosetail = Rosetail." Rosetail
mothers sister = mother's sister
clans medicine cat. = Clan's medicine cat.
over the Riverkit and grabbed her by the scruff and pulled her up, = over to Riverkit, grabbed her by the scruff and pulled her up.
"I'm sorry mom," said Riverkit. = "I'm sorry, Mom," said Riverkit.
"Can we go outside mom!" meowed Shadowkit. = "Can we go outside, Mom?" meowed Shadowkit.
Raindrop nodded and we all = Raindrop nodded, and we all
outside only to crash = outside, only to crash
the cats leg and = the cat's leg and
amber eyes, "Amberpelt!" = amber eyes. "Amberpelt!"
let out his yowl and = let out his yowl, and
a cave the was = a cave that was
of cave etched = of caves etched
cave was with a = cave with a
Riverpaw and my own name, = Riverpaw, and my own name,
all given mentors to see who = all given mentors, to see who
Shadowpaws mentor = Shadowpaw's mentor
Stonetail and = Stonetail, and
Yeah. Sorry if I sound rude or offensive, but you may want to look into fixing these... Anyway, I don't mean to be rude or offensive, so don't yell at me, please. Watch Out! Rosie's Got A Wiki! 01:54, August 11, 2010 (UTC)
Lets not take up the whole talk page by pointing out flaws...we should be critiquing her story. I like it. Sandwich989 05:28, August 11, 2010 (UTC)
I do like it! It's just, I'm sorry, but I just can't seem to ignore those things. Watch Out! Rosie's Got A Wiki! 23:03, August 11, 2010 (UTC)
Ya sorry, I wanted to go over this, but I had to leave and I didn't want everything to be deleted so I saved in with the intention to come back to it, but my brain is fried and I forgot. Plus, stink at grammar, if it was a class, I would be failing.--WillowwhispGOWARRIORCATS 20:39, August 12, 2010 (UTC)
Grammar is a class in the two schools I've been at. XD Watch Out! Rosie's On The Wiki! 17:03, August 14, 2010 (UTC)
At mine we only do some in english, but not really {{SUBST:Nosubst|User:Willowwhisp/sig}} 03:04, August 15, 2010 (UTC)