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Mmm, I'm quite interested in your story so far. ^^

I noticed four little mistakes, though;

'"I'm dieing!" she whispered.' (Dieing = dying)

'and she was pregnant with our leader Dawnstars kits.' (our leader Dawnstars kits = our leader, Dawnstar's kits.)

'Rosetail was my mothers sister and the clans medicine cat.' (my mothers sister = my mother's sister & the clans medicine cat = the clan's medicine cat)

Other than that, I think it's very nice so far. I'll be eagerly awaiting more!

(Pardon if I'm a bit harsh... hanging around fanfiction.net can do that to you. ^^) Squall Leonhart "M a y b e . I ' m . a . L i o n .x" 00:51, August 11, 2010 (UTC)


Okay. The guy above is right, it's good. But I've noticed a few more mistakes:


squirmed until I let go of his tail, "That hurt!" he yowled, "GET HER!" = tail. "That hurt!" he yowled. "GET HER!"

chargered after me. = charged after me.

"Mother help!" = "Mother, help!"

my litter mates with one paw. = my littermates with one paw.

his nose and she fell onto her back. = his nose and he fell onto his back., or her nose and she fell onto her back.

she let out a horse meow. = she let out a hoarse meow.

"I'm dieing!" she whispered. = "I'm dying!" she whispered.

crossly hissed. "You kits shouldn't joke = crossly hissed, "You kits shouldn't joke

a moon and she was = a moon, and she was

leader Dawnstars kits. = leader Dawnstar's kits.

our mothers first = our mother's first

litter so Patchpetal = litter, so Patchpetal

out with us a lot, "Raindrop is right, = out with us alot. "Raindrop is right.

she would know = She would know

Rosetail," Rosetail = Rosetail." Rosetail

mothers sister = mother's sister

clans medicine cat. = Clan's medicine cat.

over the Riverkit and grabbed her by the scruff and pulled her up, = over to Riverkit, grabbed her by the scruff and pulled her up.

"I'm sorry mom," said Riverkit. = "I'm sorry, Mom," said Riverkit.

"Can we go outside mom!" meowed Shadowkit. = "Can we go outside, Mom?" meowed Shadowkit.

Raindrop nodded and we all = Raindrop nodded, and we all

outside only to crash = outside, only to crash

the cats leg and = the cat's leg and

amber eyes, "Amberpelt!" = amber eyes. "Amberpelt!"

let out his yowl and = let out his yowl, and

a cave the was = a cave that was

of cave etched = of caves etched

cave was with a = cave with a

Riverpaw and my own name, = Riverpaw, and my own name,

all given mentors to see who = all given mentors, to see who

Shadowpaws mentor = Shadowpaw's mentor

Stonetail and = Stonetail, and


Yeah. Sorry if I sound rude or offensive, but you may want to look into fixing these... Anyway, I don't mean to be rude or offensive, so don't yell at me, please. Watch Out! Rosie's Got A Wiki! 01:54, August 11, 2010 (UTC)

Lets not take up the whole talk page by pointing out flaws...we should be critiquing her story. I like it. Sandwich989 05:28, August 11, 2010 (UTC)

I do like it! It's just, I'm sorry, but I just can't seem to ignore those things. Watch Out! Rosie's Got A Wiki! 23:03, August 11, 2010 (UTC)

Ya sorry, I wanted to go over this, but I had to leave and I didn't want everything to be deleted so I saved in with the intention to come back to it, but my brain is fried and I forgot. Plus, stink at grammar, if it was a class, I would be failing.--WillowwhispGOWARRIORCATS 20:39, August 12, 2010 (UTC)

Grammar is a class in the two schools I've been at. XD Watch Out! Rosie's On The Wiki! 17:03, August 14, 2010 (UTC)

At mine we only do some in english, but not really {{SUBST:Nosubst|User:Willowwhisp/sig}} 03:04, August 15, 2010 (UTC)

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