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This is nowhere near the last thing I'll write here. But it does feel more like the beginning of the end than anything else. Which makes it so much harder for me to think as it as a story and not as my story. Our story. Because we really have had a good story, haven't we? Fraught with good guys and bad guys and heartaches and laughter. And perhaps that's one of the things I'll miss the most (because it's truly impossible for me to single out one thing I'll miss the most)- the sense that we were writing stories about characters we loved so much while our own stories played out. And this is where my story starts to end.
Starts With Goodbye[]
I was sitting on my doorstep.
- Goodbye.
I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand.
- It's such a funny word, isn't it?
But I knew I had to do it.
- Too short for the forever it encompasses. Too long for the closure you need.
And you wouldn't understand.
- I'm sorry, I'm being rather rude. I haven't even introduced myself yet.
So hard to see myself without you.
- I'm Bramblestar. The leader of MistClan.
I felt a piece of my heart break.
- Or should I say was? I was Bramblestar? I was the leader of MistClan?
But when you're standing at a crossroads.
- You see, I'm dying.
And there's a choice you've got to make.
- Not the tragic, slow, coughing in the medicine den. The kind of death that ends with a single gasp for air that doesn't come back out.
I guess it's gonna have to hurt.
- No, I get to bleed out my life onto the dust of the camp. At least no one can say I didn't have a dramatic flair.
I guess I'm gonna have to cry.
- I believe they call that gallows humor. It is easier being clinical then remembering that someone's dying.
And let go of some things I've loved
- That I'm dying.
To get to the other side.
- See? There I go again. Melodramatic.
I guess it's gonna break me down.
- If this was one of those stories I adored so much, my Clan would be crowding around me, anxiety plain on their features. They would all try to tell me that it's okay while I gently remind them that I'm dying, and it's okay. They would then begin to weep quietly and curl against me.
Like falling when you're trying to fly.
- It's not exactly like that.
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life
- The rogues screech around us, wailing. I can tell we have the upper paw, but loosing a leader will be hard for them to overcome. I see Wetstream, her face twisted in a fearsome growl, Stargaze, her pretty features coated in blood. And the others are there as well- Redpoppy clawing fiercely, Rainsplash letting out a yowl of pain. They don't see me yet.
Starts with goodbye...
- I look at the wound. I've looked at it already, obviously. I don't just go around telling cats that I'm dying. What if I did though? How awful would that be, if you were just, you know, doing whatever and someone came up to you and was like-
- Focus.
I know there's a blue horizon...
- It's a stomach wound, probably the worst I've ever seen. Blood still pools from it, strangely fascinating me. It's my blood, coming out of my body. And it hurts.
- As you may have deduced, I am slightly morbid.
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me.
- The rogues are clearing out of camp and I manage to shove the dead tom off of me. His long fur catches on my claws and I waste some of the last moments of my life shaking him away.
Getting there means leavings things behind,'
- I'm able to pull myself to my paws, though I sway and immediately crumple again. A fresh spurt of blood streams out.
Sometimes life's so bittersweet.
- "Wetstream!" I call. My deputy turns and her yellow eyes widen. She turns, quickly slitting the throat of the rogue she was fighting and starts to bound towards me.
- "No!" I protest, "Finish them off. Hurry."
- Looking puzzled and a little angry, she nods and dashes off. Thank StarClan for deputies and their loyalty.
I guess it's gonna have to hurt
- Now that Wetstream knows how desperate this is, she'll finish them off quickly.
I guess I'm gonna have to cry.
- She'll make a good leader, I think. I chose well. And Redpoppy will make a good deputy.
And let go of some things I've loved
- I manage to drag myself pathetically off to the side so no one trips over my dying corpse or anything unfortunate.
To get to the other side.
- What are you supposed to do while you're dying? What do you do without anyone to whisper soft goodbyes to, without anyone to try and take with you?
I guess it's gonna break me down,
- I think about all the stories I know, which is a pretty considerable amount. What do all the heroes do when they die?
Like falling when you're trying to fly.
- I could call someone over and tell them I love them, but that seems a little strange. And the very few toms I could have said that about are all gone now.
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life
- I could stand and heroically run through the ranks of rogues, killing all of them and dying peacefully, knowing I had saved my Clan. I guess no one really knows how hard that is to do when you're dying.
Starts with goodbye.
- I could try to commune with StarClan, make my peace before I do die. But I wasn't exactly a terrible leader. I made my mistakes, and I wasn't the best, but I did try.
Time heals
- I could...oh, what's the use?
The wounds that you feel.
- The point is, I'm dying. And despite the fact I've always loathed cats who are melodramatic, I do want someone to be with me. Someone to tell me it'll be okay and I'll wake up. Even though we both will know it'll never happen.
Somehow...
- I feel like I'm giving off the wrong image of myself. I am not, nor have I ever been someone who makes a big deal of things or needs someone to hold her paw.
Right now...
- But I feel like, in some things, you deserve a little slack.
I guess it's gonna have to hurt.
- I curl around myself, keeping the blood in.
I guess I'm gonna have to cry.
- I've never been afraid of death. What I'm afraid of is disappearing without my Clan knowing how much they meant to me. How much this hurts me, worse then the wound, worse then anything I've ever felt.
And let go of somethings I've loved
- I'm not angry, though. I've had my fair share of pain and anger and hurt, but I have had some good things too.
To get to the other side.
- Images flash before my eyes. A silver she-kit, my first view of MistClan, green eyes, a laughing ginger tom.
I guess it's gonna break me down.
- Blood. Lots of blood. Snarling rogues and faces of cats I'd known most of my life simply gone.
Like falling when you're trying to fly.
- I want to believe it will end tonight.
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life...
- We killed so many...they have to let go of their hatred. They have to live and let live, right? I just can't bear the thought of my Clan losing me and still having to deal with those-
Starts with goodbye.
- Oh. Ouch. Dying hurts. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts...
I guess I'm gonna have to cry.
- The battle is dying, my Clanmates turning from sparks back into embers. Getting helped to the medicine den or simply flopping down on the ground, they litter the clearing as the rogues vanish.
And let go of the things I've loved,
- I feel a surge of pride. We drove them out. We drove them out and they...well. Here's hoping they don't come back.
To get to the other side.
- Oh, ouch. Ouch. My vision blurs for a moment and I see Redpoppy, Wetstream, and Stargaze pelting over.
Starts with goodbye.
- Here goes. The goodbyes, the sadness, the ache in my heart.
'Like falling when you're trying to fly,
- I need something to distract me though. Something to distract me from Rainsplash's look of terror, Redpoppy's despair, Stargaze's anger, Wetstream's distraught look.
It's sad but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life...
- Perhaps you wouldn't mind if I explained exactly how I got to be here, dying as a leader of MistClan when I was born a rogue kit? It would really be a favor, considering there's no way I'll be able to deal with all...this otherwise.
Starts with goodbye.
- Wetstream is saying something, but I find myself already slipping away. Not dying, not yet. Just to another time. To another place.
- I can almost hear them calling my name...
Starts with goodbye...