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If you notice a spelling or grammar mistake in this fanfic, you have my permission to fix it :) Also, I know it's hard to give a spoof constructive criticism, but if you have any, I'd love to hear it!

Essay
This page contains a fan fiction written by Night.
This page contains the opinions of the original author(s), and is not patrolled for factual accuracy.
Remember that this story is non-canon. It may contain false characters, plots, or locations.
Responses, comments & other feedback should be made on the comments section below.

Swimming Lessons With Patchkit

Patchkit: Hello everyone, today we're going to be learning how to swim!

Petalkit: YAY!!!

Silverstream: Who will be teaching us?

Patchkit: Me of course!!!!!

Appledusk: Didn't you drown?

Mapleshade: *glares at Appledusk*

Patchkit: SHADDUP!!!!!!

Tallstar: Maybe we should hear him out.

Mudclaw: *notices Onestar and growls*

Patchkit: So folks, I'll be teaching you guys how to swim! We'll use this gigantic pool thing that squashed all of RiverClan's territory! *gestures at giant pool that takes up all of RiverClan's territory*

Oakheart: WHAT WHAT?!

Patchkit: Your lifeguards today will be Birchface, Bluestar, Onestar and... *checks watch* Graystripe was supposed to show up, but it looks like he wants to outlive the newborn kits in the nursery... well, I guess Petalkit.

Petalkit: YAY!!!

Reedshine: Appledusk honey, didn't all of those cats drown?

Appledusk: Yes, I believe so.

Reedshine: Hmmph. Let's leave.

Appledusk: Where too? RiverClan's territory is covered by this swimming pool.

Reedshine: To where Patchkit's body is buried. I'm hungry.

Appledusk: Umm.... okay sweetie, lets go eat my son's body....

Mapleshade: CANNIBALISM!!!!!!

Patchkit: I'm sorry Dad.

Appledusk: What for?

Patchkit: Security! *gestures at Appledusk and Reedshine* Take these two away to the Temptation Chamber!

Reedshine: NNOOO!!!!!!!

Appledusk: What's the temptation chamber?

Security Guard 1: You get chained to a wall just out of reach of some freshkill.

Appledusk: That's not too bad.

Security Guard 2: And get prodded with pool noodles.

Appledusk: NNNOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Patchkit: See you in a moon! *waves at the two being dragged away* Okay everyone, back to business. Swimming. Larchkit, demonstrate freestyle.

Larchkit: *salutes* Yes cap'n! *jumps in pool and drowns*

Petalkit: YAY!!

Oakstar: Wow, what a messed up kit. Your brother drowns and you say 'YAY!!'

Mapleshade: You're the messed up one! You exiled me and my kits! You're one of the reason Patchkit even had to give all of us swimming lessons!

Oakstar: *smug* You didn't manage to kill me.

Mapleshade: *face palms*: Oops.

Patchkit: Great, my freestyle demonstrator just died... well, he was a prey hogger. Ravenwing, demonstrate freestyle!

Ravenwing: *does perfect freestyle*

Patchkit: See folks? Copy Ravenwing.

Graypool: Whatever. *jumps in*

Frecklewish: Wow Ravenwing, you're really skilled!

Ravenwing: It was nothing.

Crookedstar: Wow Raven, you should join RiverClan!

Ravenwing: I'm dead.

Crookedstar: Oh, erm, yeah, just ah...umm.... join StarClan RiverClan!

Ravenwing: Sure. Yellowfang and Leafpool hate me for some reason, I've had enough of them teasing me!!!!

Hawkfrost: Those are some mean swimming skills Ravenwing!!!

Ravenwing: I know! I’m a great swimmer.

Graypool: *does incredible backstroke*

Patchkit: Copy Graypool!

Graypool: No, copy Larchkit.

Ravenwing: Larchkit drowned. You should all copy me, I’m amazing at freestyle.

Badgerfang: I'm gonna copy Larchkit! *jumps in pool and drowns*

Mosskit: Me too! *jumps in pool and somehow survives*

Frecklewish: RAVENWING FOREVER!!! *jumps in pool and does freestyle*

Mapleshade: ......

Mapleshade: How are you not dead.

Frecklewish: Who said I wasn’t?

Ashfur: Technically you said you weren’t dead by speaking in the first place, because how could you be dead if you were breathing and talking and doing perfect freestyle, it just wouldn't make sense, so we can assume that you are well and living.

Frecklewish: Huh?

Mapleshade: I have absolutely no idea what you just said.

Thistleclaw: He’s giving me a headache.

Hawkfrost: Same.

Antpelt: Let’s just kill him.

Frecklewish and Mapleshade: Yeah. *glance at each other*

Mapleshade: Did I just agree with something you said?

Ashfur: Technically no, as you did not say that you agreed with what she said, you both just happened to say the same thing, which would mean you are on the same side, but haven’t actually agreed with each other on anything.

Frecklewish: Hey, Mapleshade?

Mapleshade: Yup?

Frecklewish: Should we kill him together?

Mapleshade: Deal. *fist bumps Frecklewish in the face*

Frecklewish: YOU DAUGHTER OF A- *gets fist bumped in the face again*

Mapleshade: Oh sorry, am I hurting you? *innocent eyes*

Frecklewish: JUST STOP IT YOU MESSED UP *gets high-fives in the stomach* IM GOING TO GET YOU *gets hugged on the neck*

Patchkit: Stop it Mummy!

Mapleshade: But she killed you, my precious little fuzzball.

Patchkit: Don’t call me that! Your'e embarrassing me in front of my pupils!

Yellowfang: Isn’t this supposed to be a swimming class.

Mapleshade: True...

Frecklewish: GET YOUR FILTHY PAWS OF ME YOU- *Mapleshade picks her up and throws her all the way to the Dark Forest*

Mapleshade: *waving* Bye bye!

Frecklewish: YOU ARE SUCH A *Mapleshade throws a pool noodle at her* IM GOING TO GET YOU BACK ONE DAY!

Mapleshade: We‘ll see about that. *laughs evilly*

Ravenwing: *brandishes pool noodle* Don’t you dare come near me!

Mapleshade: *leaps st him* MEOWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Nightmare: *intervenes* Guy’s, Guy’s, this is getting off the whole point of this! You’re supposed to be learning how to swim! And Patchkit is supposed to be teaching you! No revenge! *carries Mapleshade away*

Ashur: OOh, Nightmare has changed their name

Nightmare: That’s right! Thanks for noticing!

Petalkit: So we can’t call you Nightmare anymore?

Nightmare: Ummm..... I guess not.

Patchkit: But I can call you Nightmare!

Petalkit .......

Patchkit: What?

Petalkit: Why do you think you can get away with anything? *turns to Nightmare* Please tell him he has to call you by your full name! Please!

Patchkit: *turns to Nightmare* Please tell her she has to call you by your full name! Please!

Nightmare: UMMMMM.......

Nightmare: UMMMMM.......

Nightmare: UMMMMM.......

Nightmare: UMMMMM.......

Yellowfang: Would you stop saying ' UMMMMM.......' already?!

Nightmare: Sorry Yellowfang!

Yellowfang: You should be sorry! *marches menacingly towards Nightmare*

Nightmare: *turns to readers* Readers, if you want yourself to appear and save me, please comment! PLLEEEAASE DON'T LET YELLOWFANG KILL MEEEEEEE

Yellowfang: *turns to readers* I think Nightmare deserves to die. If you want to appear in this and help me kick Nightmare's butt, please comment. LETS KILL NIGHTMARE TOGETHER!!!!

Nightmare: Great. Everyone will wanna kick my butt. I guess I'm doomed.

Yellowfang: *cackling* So true, so true.

Briarwing: NIGHTMARE

Nightmare: Oh no... are you here to kill me?

Briarwing: I wish I was. But NOPE. I'm here to save your sorry butt.

NIghtmare: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

Briarwing: Do me a favour and stop saying 'THANK YOU.'

Nightmare: Um, sure. But question: Aren't you supposed to be nice?

Briarwing: Oh, I can be....

Nightmare: Can you turn your good side on?

Briarwing: I suppose... *turns good side on*

Briarwing: Hey Night!

Nightmare: Is this your good side?

Briarwing: Of course! I'm so sorry if this comes across as mean, but should we continue this spoof? It is getting off topic.

Nightmare: Yeah, I suppose. *claps hands* Everyone, listen to Patchkit, your swimming instructor!

Yellowfang: But I haven't finished abducting you yet!

Nightmare: GOOD.

Patchkit: I think this is supposed to be MY spoof...

Mapleshade: It is your spoof!

Patchkit: *ignores Mapleshade* Okay, I think I have to be harsh now. I'm going to give out punishments to those to took over my spoof.

Nightmare: Umm, it's actually MY spoof, and you can't just give out punishments!

Patchkit: *cackling* Nightmare, fifty laps of the pool. Now!

Nightmare: NO WAY. *is flung into the pool* YOU CAN'T MAKE ME.

Patchkit: *dangles Pringles in front of Nightmare's face and watches as they lunge for it* I think you'll find I can.

Nightmare: GIVE.THEM.TO.ME.

Patchkit: *hands Pringles to Petalkit and makes her lure Nightmare across the pool ten times* Yellowfang, wanna hear your punishment.

Yellowfang: *snorts* I'm not getting punished! *flies away* See ya suckers!

Patchkit: NOT SO FAST. *signals to.... (First person to comment saying they want kick Patchkit's butt.)* GET YELLOWFANG. PLEASE COMMENT PEOPLE SO YOU CAN HELP MEH DESTROY THAT GREY AROUND THE MUZZLE, YELLOW FANGED SHE-CAT.

Nightmare: This fanfic will be put on hold until somebody comments about wanting to kick Patchkit's butt. Just so ya know.

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