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Desolate

About a Girl | Give Me a Second Go | It's Over, Casanova | What Makes You Beautiful | Kiss It All Better | Dark Side | Summer Love | Satellite | Over Again | Forever and Always | Paradise | Turning Tables

Part of the Songfic Series.

OA is One Direction

Written by Red

Summer Love

Can't believe you're packing your bags

Trying so hard not to cry

I watch her set the two bundles of fur down in the snow, gently releasing their scruffs. They turn to her, mewling pitifully, lamenting my awful smell, pleading with their mother not to make them go with this foul-smelling cat, with this warrior they don't even know - with me.

She only sighs, gives them licks on their foreheads, and staggers away through the snow, tail drooping and head bowed.

Had the best time and now it's the worst time

But we have to say goodbye

"I love you," I want to yell after her. "I always have, I always will, stay with me!" But for her sake, I can't. I can't make her decision harder than it already has been. She's already given up her kits, her mate, she can't give up her Clan.

With a pang, I remember the nights we spent, climbing the tall trees and sitting at the top, surveying our territories. We raced each other up the branches of the trees, and then I forced her into the water so I could teach her to swim - just like she taught me to climb.

Don't promise that you're gonna write

Don't promise that you'll call

As much as I love her, I have to force myself not to believe that she'll ever talk to me again. We must put our Clans first, in front of everything, even if that means our relationship will be over.

I remind myself that it is over. There's nothing to remember.

Bluefur and I won't talk to each other ever again. We won't speak a word when we meet on border patrols, unless to hurl a hostile challenge into enemy territory. We won't congratulate each other on surviving another leaf-bare at Gatherings if we're both deputies.

Just promise that you won't forget we had it all

Cause you were mine for the summer

I bend to pick up the kits - my kits - and gently nudge the paler one forwards as I grip the other in my jaws, my mind whirring as I start to formulate a plan. I found a dead ThunderClan queen in the snow, already having kitted, with two mewling bundles of fur by her belly? What if the kits challenged this?

I settled on saying that I had found them by the border. I'd settle them in with Graypool before relating my story to the Clan.

Now we know it's nearly over

Feels like snow in September

I lead the kits into the camp. There are barely any kits at the moment, the nursery is mostly empty. Graypool lost her litter a few sunrises ago - she'll welcome the fresh blood in RiverClan.

It's strange, seeing kits. You wouldn't expect it after we haven't seen the little scraps of fur in so long. Our apprentices are near becoming warriors, and none of our she-cats are expecting kits. Graypool's were alive for such a short time - and two of them were stillborn.

But I always will remember

You were my summer love

As I deposit the kits with Graypool, and trudge back from explaining to Hailstar, I let a faint smile mask my features. I curl up in my nest, wrap my tail over my nose, and let Bluefur's scent wash over me. Her sweet, crisp scent, like the pine needles that blow into RiverClan territory from ShadowClan, but mixed with the fresh, earthiness of the woods in ThunderClan.

I sigh, and let sleep overcome me.

You always will be my summer love

Wish that we could be alone now

I dream of my blue-furred love, her river-blue eyes lighting up when she catches a glimpse of me. Her paws, soundless on the forest floor, thumping slightly as she bounds towards me. I can remember the distinct prick of her ears, the slight smile on her face...

I wish that we could be alone, I wish that we could be together, just one more time, that I could let her scent wash over me without feeling the guilt.

If we could find some place to hide

Make the last time just like the first time

My mind drifts to the first time I saw Bluefur. A ThunderClan patrol passed beneath Sunningrocks - past beneath my perch. I had padded towards the edge of the sandy rocks curiously, but Bluefur had deterred me from coming closer with a vicious growl and a halfhearted swipe.

I remember seeing the fury in her eyes, and wishing that the fiesty she-cat was part of RiverClan.

I remember feeling the pang inside my chest as I realized she was ThunderClan - and the feelings that were overwhelming me were the first signs of treason.

Push a button and rewind

Don't say the word that's on your lips

I want to go back to that moment...when I first caught sight of her. I want to say something to her, to make a snide comment that would stop all of these feelings. To growl at her to get away from our territory, and to stay out of our land.

But I wouldn't have wanted to conjure a battle between our two Clans - that would lead inexorably to a face-off between the two of us, and lives lost.

Don't look at me that way

Just promise you'll remember

I toss and turn in my nest, feeling the reeds scratch my back, poke through my sleek pelt and irritate my skin. Bluefur's face lingers in my mind, but her eyes are like chips of ice, her mouth set in a firm line. Her furry face was turned away from me, her stance disdainful.

She stood like a ThunderClan warrior, like the she-cat she was destined to be. We were never meant to stay together, of course, breaking the Warrior Code, StarClan never could have willed it to remain. Our relationship was fleeting, it ended too soon.

I just want her to remember - that's all. I want her to remember me. To remember us.

When the tide is grey

Cause you were mine for the summer

I drag myself out of my nest in the morning, to see the Clan beaming.

Bluefur's two kits are being purred over and licked, while Graypool smiles fondly at them, clearly already pleased. They've brought joy to the Clan just by being abandoned.

As I look at the happy scene in my Clan's camp, I'm forced to think of the horrors that are going on in the ThunderClan's camp. Bluefur, dragging herself out of her nest and yowling that her own kits are gone, ThunderClan's frantic accusations against the other Clans, the pain in my former mate's eyes as she listens dully to her Clan's plans of action.

And to think I caused all of this.

Now we know it's nearly over

Feels like snow in September

We are over.

I force myself to remember this as I toil through the patrols, idly listening to my Clanmates' expressions of joy over the new kits. I pretend to share their enthusiasm - deep down, I really am proud of my tiny kin, but I'm ashamed of myself.

It's such a foreign feeling, shame over something so beautiful. As though it wasn't bound to happen. I'll admit that I'm a proud cat, and I do feel ashamed sometimes, but to feel ashamed of soemthing that brings happiness to others - it inspires another feeling, of guilt.

But I always will remember

You were my summer love

Whatever the pain I feel for my kits, though, is nothing compared to what I feel about Bluefur.

"Oakheart," someone asks, and I turn to face a Clanmate. "Oakheart, go eat."

I force myself through my daily chores, as I think of them now. Chores, without a bright spot to look forward to. There's no Bluefur to enjoy when night falls, there's no thrill of sneaking out to meet my mate.

You always will be my summer love

So please don't make this any harder

The Gathering comes soon, the inexorable moment when I'll have to see her face again.

But she doesn't show. I have to listen to Sunstar mentioning the loss of ThunderClan's kits, I have to see his amber gaze sweep across the assmebled Clans, accusation as he stares at Heatherstar, Cedarstar, and then Hailstar. The threats, not voiced, that shine behind his eyes as he glares at each of the warriors and apprentices in every Clan.

We can't take this any farther

And I know there's nothing that I wanna change, change

Our relationship is over - and I can finally accept that there's nothing I want to change.

As Sunstar glares down at me, I don't flinch. Bluefur gave the kits to me, I didn't take them. I wanted her to join our Clan, but that would stand in the way of her desires, and, she believed, would cause her Clan to fall to into merciless claws.

I plod firmly back home, resolute.

Cause you were mine for the summer

Now we know it's nearly over

She was mine for a short time - a short time was all it was going to be.

"Glad to see you're back to normal, Oakheart!" my brother congratulates me.

An elder says, "Finally putting some meat back on those bones, eh?"

And they're right. Acceptance is a huge part of recovery. I've accepted that Bluefur and I were never meant to be, and that's set me on the path of recovery.

Feels like snow in September

But I always will remember

With, of course, a little help from our two kits, Stonekit and Mistykit, who bring joy not only to Graypool and me, but to the whole Clan. A couple of she-cats have moved to the nursery expecting kits, which - to Stonekit and Mistykit - means more playmates.

And every time I see little Mistykit's pelt, or look into strong Stonekit's eyes, I'm reminded of her.

You were my summer love

You always will be my summer love

I'm reminded of Bluefur, who brought me joy in the short time we were together. She caused me to smile more than I had, she allowed me to find happiness in a life that seemed, at one point, to be all chores, all work and no play. She livened me.

And though our time together is over, her impression has made me, ultimately, a better cat.

You always will be my summer love

You always will be my summer love

And I'll never forget her.

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