Welp, this is my first spoof! I usually just write serious fanfictions, so it might not be the best, but I hope you like it! XD
Ashfur: *reads from index card* Howdy folks! Today I’m going to sell a product to you that you absolutely don’t need!
Producer (whispering): Psst! That’s do! You do need it!
Ashfur: Right, whatever. Anyways, it’s called… The DATE-O-MATIC!!!
Ashfur: *nervous sweating* I said, the DATE-O-MATIC!!!
Ashfur: YOU IDIOTS, THAT’S YOUR CUE!!!
*Berrynose and Honeyfern appear, wheeling a cart with a sheet over it*
Honeyfern, a few seconds later: Ta-da!
Ashfur: Guys! You were supposed to say that at the same time!
Honeyfern, a few seconds later: Sorry.
*Dr. Leafpool appears out of nowhere*
Dr. Leafpool: Ashfur, do you remember what to do when you get angry like this?
Ashfur: I THREATEN TO BURN YOUR SISTER’S KIDS ALIVE.
Dr. Leafpool: *facepaws*
Dr. Leafpool: *disappears*
Ashfur: *straightens tie* Well, folks, I apologize for that little interruption! Heheh… Now, where were we…?
Producer (whispering): The Date-O-Matic’s dramatic unveiling!
Ashfur: Oh, yes! Here it is: THE DATE-O-MATIC!!!!!!!!!!!
Berrynose: Wow, you never go light on the exclamation marks, huh?
Ashfur: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!
Berrynose: There it is again.
Honeyfern: And in all caps, too.
Ashfur: *breathes heavily* YOU’RE JUST THE CATS WHO LIFT THE SHEET OFF THE DATE-O-MATIC. JUST LIFT OFF THE @%$#&@! SHEET.
Producer: Ashfur! Language!
Ashfur: Right, sorry. *clears throat* Anyway… The DATE-O-MATIC!
Berrynose & Honeyfern: *lifts off sheet to reveal a big pink wheel*
Ashfur: The Date-O-Matic is a helpful contraption for loners like myself who need to find love fast!
*camera pans to scene of Ashfur crying in a corner on Friday night*
Ashfur: *covers camera lens with paw* Why would you show that? I was vulnerable after the breakup!
Berrynose: Uh, Squirrelflight never really dated you…
Ashfur: SHUT UP BERRYFART YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT LOVE
Berrynose: Well actually --
Ashfur: NOPE! NOTHING! Now let’s get on with the commercial, shall we?
Berrynose: But I --
Ashfur: You’re fired.
Berrynose: WHAT?! YOU CAN’T FIRE ME!!!
Ashfur: Why not?
Berrynose (spluttering): B-b-b-because… B-bevjhgfenrsfosgefbkalsnbvfaeb
*Lionblaze and Brambleclaw stomp toward Berrynose*
Ashfur: See kids? I got these goons working for me now! Murder threats and arson really do work!
Producer (whispering really fast to camera): WewillnotbeheldresponsibleforcrimesyoumaycommitduetounhealthyAshfurinfluences.
Berrynose: *screams incoherently as Lionblaze and Brambleclaw pawcuff him*
Honeyfern: Get ’em, babe!
Poppyfrost (in full psycho mode): DID YOU JUST HIT ON MY HUSBAND REEEEEEEEEEEE
Poppyfrost: *attacks Honeyfern*
Producer, covering camera with fingers: We’ll be back shortlAAAAAAAAAHHHH
Producer was slain by Poppyfrost using [Claws of Death]
Ashfur (with bandaged paw and missing front tooth): Welcome back to the Date-O-Matic commercial! The only commercial longer than the actual show.
Hawkfrost: *presses cringey laugh track button*
Ashfur: Here is the greatest invention of all time! The Date-O-Matic!
*neon yellow lights flash on the pink wheel, blinding every cat in a thousand-mile radius*
Jayfeather: Feel my pain.
Ashfur: GUH! WHEN DID YOU GET HERE?!
Jayfeather: Heard you screaming about a dating machine. Half Moon dumped me for some StarClan freak, Briarlight died, and Sticky refused my proposal!
Jayfeather: I think it’s best if you don’t know who Sticky is.
Hawkfrost: *presses applause button*
Ashfur: Welp, now that he’s gone, let’s get on with my amazing scheme to woo his adoptive mother into dating me!
Hawkfrost: *spams applause button*
Ashfur: See, this Date-O-Matic is an automatic date-picker! Hawkfrost, would you kindly be our test subject?
Hawkfrost: Uh, I'm just the laugh track guy, don't look at me.
Ashfur: But come on, try it.
Hawkfrost: I've taken college courses on button-pushing, Ashfur. This laugh track gig is my life.
Ashfur: You also think up murder schemes in your spare time, and you like to go bowling on the weekends.
Hawkfrost: Stop reading my wiki page!
Mothwing: *appears* You have a wiki page?
Hawkfrost: Yes, and I'll have you know that EVERYONE seems to love it. *sniff*
Ashfur: *checks his wiki page* SOMEONE VANDALIZED MINE!!!
Mothwing (reading aloud): "I'm Ashfart and I suck." Wow, this is some inspired stuff.
Ashfur: *throws phone across the room* WHATEVER! WHY SHOULD I CARE WHAT SOME DUMB TWOLEGS THINK OF ME, ANYWAY?
Mothwing: Uhhh... ima go... *disappears*
Ashfur: Well then... I guess I'll test out the Date-O-Matic myself! *walks up to pink wheel*
Ashfur: See kids, all you do is spin the wheel! It's a bit like spin the bottle. *spins wheel*
Hawkfrost: IS THAT A CHALLENGE, WHEEL?! *stomps on laugh track button*
Hawkfrost: DO YOU HAVE A DEATH WISH, WHEELY?! *sits on applause button*
Ashfur: SHUSH! THE WHEEL HAS MADE ITS CHOICE!
Hawkfrost: *presses applause button* What does it say?
Ashfur: My date is... SQUIRRELFLIGHT!
*pink and yellow fireworks explode everywhere and confetti rains from the sky*
Hawkfrost: Wait a second...
Hawkfrost: That's rather suspicious...
Ashfur: How so?
Hawkfrost: Every category of the wheel has Squirrelflight on it! You rigged the machine!
Ashfur: *winks at camera* No I didn't.
Hawkfrost: Yes you did.
Ashfur: No I didn't.
Hawkfrost: Yes you did.
Ashfur: No I didn't.
*THREE HOURS LATER*
Ashfur: Welp, it's safe to say that I won that argument! Little Hawky passed out before he could say another word! *looks at Hawkfrost collapsed on the ground* WIMP!!
Hawkfrost: *coughs* I need... water... *coughs* my voice... died...
Ashfur: *chucks Gatorade at Hawkfrost*
Gatorade: *whacks Hawkfrost's head* NOW WITH ZERO SUGAR!!!
Hawkfrost: *chugs Gatorade*
Ashfur: Well, after being victorious in a battle against Hawky, I'm feelin' pretty dang good! So good, in fact, that I will be kind and share my dating secrets with you.
Hawkfrost: *struggles over to keyboard and presses applause button* I will die... finishing the job... that I started... *dies*
Ashfur: Could someone get rid of that body? It's obstructing my view of the useful Date-O-Matic, which can be bought at your local convenience store for only $500,000 and sixty-three mice!
Janitor Darkstripe: *appears holding bucket and mop* I hate my job.
Ashfur: See, kids, that's what happens to those who don't use the Date-O-Matic to their advantage! Darkstripe here has to work ten-hour shifts of nonstop poop-scooping.
Darkstripe: Don't forget body-scooping. *shoves Hawkfrost into bucket*
Ashfur: You're getting blood everywhere!
Darkstripe: That's red Gatorade. I always told him he'd die drinking that stuff. *disappears*
Ashfur: Guh, finally! Now I can tell you my secrets to dating. *waggles eyebrows*
Lionblaze: Because your love life was SO successful.
Ashfur: HEY! MY ONLY FAULT IS LOVING TOO MUCH!
Lionblaze: To the point where you plotted against your friends and tried to murder your crush's adopted kits... sure.
Ashfur: *sings Faded*
Brambleclaw: That was... horrifying.
Ashfur: Oh no, that wasn't the best one. I have TONS more.
Lionblaze: PLEASE NO
Ashfur: *sings Dora the Explorer theme song*
Brambleclaw & Lionblaze: *dies*
Ashfur: Now that the Date-O-Matic has chosen my dream she-cat, I must take her out on a date! I have many tips for you amateurs on how to really come out with romance guns blazing!
Hollyleaf: That's against the warrior code.
Ashfur: Oh, guns are? Is murdering against the warrior code, too? BECAUSE I SEEM TO REMEMBER YOU DOING THAT TO ME!!!
Hollyleaf: You've got the wrong cat. I was nowhere NEAR that little secluded stream with three rocks at the edge and a patch of mallow next to the waterfall that you died at. Whoever murdered you must have been some other gorgeous she-cat.
Ashfur: WHY ARE YOU HERE?
Hollyleaf: To fulfill my destiny.
Ashfur: PRODUCER, WHY IS SHE REALLY HERE?!
Producer: Comic relief, of course! This is very serious business, and may have instilled fear in the hearts of younger viewers. Hollyleaf's job is to crank up the funny!
Hollyleaf: *eyes go red* Ha. Ha. Ha.
Ashfur (grumbling): Hawkfrost and his stupid laugh track was better than this!
Hollyleaf: Ha. Ha. Ha.
Ashfur: I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! *attacks Hollyleaf*
Ashfur: OH, HOW THE TURN TABLES!
Producer: Aaaand that's a wrap, everybody! Feel free to turn off the TV and do something productive with your life!
Ashfur: *pouts* But we didn't get to the real dating advice yet!
Producer: Well, if it makes you feel better, we can get a behind-the-scenes tour of our film production! Including sneak peeks into the actors' dressing rooms. *winks*
Ashfur: GREAT STARCLAN, NO! WHY WOULD I WANT ANYONE TO SEE ME WITHOUT MAKEUP ON?!
Brambleclaw: You wear makeup?
Lionblaze: You never noticed? His mascara would always smear on my fur whenever we got done with training.
Ashfur: That was VERY EXPENSIVE eyeliner from a VERY EXPENSIVE Twoleg brand!
Lionblaze: He uses blush, too. Copious amounts of blush.
Brambleclaw: And yet you never got any she-cats...
Ashfur: ChAnGiNg ThE sUbJeCt...
Ashfur: *puts on fake happy voice* But what REALLY makes this commercial possible is viewers like YOU! Who are DEAD MEAT IF YOU SEE ME WITHOUT MY MAKEUP ON!!!
Jayfeather: *appears* Woohoo! I love being dead meat!
Brambleclaw: But... you're blind, how can you see Ashfur?
Jayfeather: No, I USED to be able to see! Unfortunately, the horrors of Ashfur's makeup-free features were too surreal for living eyes to behold. Thus, my corneas were scalded and my eyes no longer function! uwu!
Brambleclaw: *whispers to Lionblaze* Son, you wouldn't mind if we disown him, would you?
Lionblaze: Not at all. More father-son bonding time for me!
Ashfur: Great! I have some epic ideas for you, all of which include your father dies of a fever in a pile of snow, I kick his spirit into next moon and take over his body, thus giving me an excuse to date my ex whose adopted children I tried to murder using arson tactics, and laugh while you scream like an idiot at all of your friends! How does that sound?
Lionblaze: Y'know, I was thinking more like... mini golf or something...
Ashfur: Mini golf? I'm a GOD at mini golf! WE SHALL DUEL FOR SQUIRRELFLIGHT IN A ROUND OF MINI GOLF!
Brambleclaw: Ok then. Lionblaze, be my caddy.
Lionblaze: I don't think mini golf has caddies...
Brambleclaw: BE DADDY'S CADDY! FETCH DADDY A CLUB!
Lionblaze: B-but... I'm not your son...
Brambleclaw: FETCH DADDY A CLUB!
Lionblaze: *gives golf club*
Brambleclaw: *hefts club* Ahhhhh yesssss. Never thought I'd hold another one of these puppies in my paws again. *swings it in a circle* Hoooo doggy, this is quite something! A real weapon of war! *starts spinning out of control, still waving golf club* WHOAOAOAOAOAOA! AND IT SEEMS I CAN'T STOP! HEHEH... EVERYTHING'S FINE, I'VE GOT IT ALL UNDER CONTRO --
*camera lens fractures and goes black*
Brambleclaw: YEAAAAHHHHH! DID YOU SEE THAT SHOT? HOLE IN ONE! HOLE IN ONE! THEY DON'T CALL ME BRAMBLECLAW "THE ACE" FOR NOTHIN!
Lionblaze: You hit the camera.
Brambleclaw: HAND ME ANOTHER BALL!
Lionblaze: You never had one in the first place --
Brambleclaw: Well then, lemme take a few practice shots!
*CRASH* *BANG* *CRUNCH* *tinkle*
ERROR. THIS PROGRAM HAS LOST CONNECTION TO THE STARCLAN SATELLITE. RECONNECTING... RECONNECTING... RECONNECTING...
12:02 AM, StarClan Time
Ashfur: *sneaks through house in a ballgown and glass slippers*
Producer: Okay, this is a new one...
Ashfur: *glances around in terror*
Ashfur: *high-pitched scream* GUYGIGEFJKNFYRDGHSDVHBJKNLSNKJ YOU SCARED ME!!!!
Bluestar (in a flat voice): THE TIME HAS COME. IN ONE MINUTE, ALL BOTOX WILL BE SUCKED FROM YOUR FACE. ALL MASCARA WIPED FROM YOUR EYES. ALL BEAUTY STRIPPED FROM YOU. THE HOUR OF PAIN HAS COME. THE HOUR OF REALITY.
Yellowfang: Dang, that was a good prophecy! One of your best so far!
Bluestar: Shut UP, Yellowfang, you're ruining my MYSTERIOUS ACT!
Yellowfang: *puts on "serious face"* Yes, Bluestar. Speak more garbage, Bluestar.
Bluestar: I'll never speak garbage. *whispers* I have a cheat sheet. *holds up a copy of Making Prophecies for Dummies: A Scammer's Guide by Spottedleaf*
Yellowfang: What's that you've got, Bluestar?
Bluestar: HEHEHEH NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING *hides book*
Yellowfang: Is that Spottedleaf's guide to Prophecy-making?
Yellowfang: And is that a LIBRARY STICKER I see on it??!!
Bluestar: *nervous sweating*
Bluestar: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH FINE! FINE! IT'S OVERDUE! I RENEWED IT TEN TIMES! FINE! SUE ME! LOCK ME UP! TAKE ME TO JAIL!
Yellowfang: Leave. Just leave.
Bluestar: *chucks book and vanishes*
Yellowfang: *picks up book* "Chapter Five: Perks to the Job!" Great StarClan, who wrote this crud? *sees author* Oh, never mind. Makes sense. *continues to read* "I've met many shmokin' hot tomsh in mah dreams before, an' made up prophecies to see Fireshtar in his dreamsh... sheveral timesh. Winky-winky." *stares at book* THIS MUST BE DESTROYED! FOR THE SAKE OF THE CLANS, THIS MUST BE DESTROYED!
Clock: *strikes 12:03 AM*
Ashfur: AAAAGH! NO! MY BEAUTY! NO! THE CURSE, THE CURSE! *screams like a little girl, chucks glass slipper at Yellowfang's face*
Slipper: *hits face with the force of a thousand semi-trucks*
Yellowfang: OH SWEET BABY STARCLAN!!!
(TBC i have writer's block ;-;)