This is a songfic from the album Love
Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street
Faster than the wind
Passionate as sin, ended so suddenly
I'm still not sure exactly how it happened. But I remember it was fast. Too fact for me to ever see it coming. One night he was the bossy, useless tom who thought he was all of that, and the next morning he was charming, sweet and as much as I hated to admit it, good-looking.
And he seemed to like me back, which was the most miraculous part of all. I know I am Redpaw, the most popular cat in the whole of FlameClan but Lionpaw was cocky and thought more of himself than anyone else.
I'll never forget that night when we agreed that we loved each other.
Or the following morning when it all fell apart.
Loving him is like trying to change your mind
Once you’re already flying through the free fall
Like the colors in autumn
So bright just before they lose it all
Maybe I had been a fool to hope that it would last. Maybe it had been ridiculous of me to think that either of us could focus on flirting for a single cat.
But I guess that is what love does.
I can still remember him saving me as I fell through the trees when he was just an apprentice. The fox attack which had scared me much more than I ever let on. Those playful word fights we had with each other. Saving him as he fell from the tree. The battle where my safety seemed to be his priority. It had been love. Pure love.
Why did it have to end so fast?
Losing him was blue like I’d never known
Missing him was dark grey all alone
The pain I felt at the moment was unlike anything I had ever known. I never thought that I could feel this way over a single cat. I always viewed myself as a cat who targeted a tom, made them fall for her, then just leave them as quickly as I came. But it seemed the opposite had happened to me.
I feel like I should be mad at him but I can't. He is too sweet, too funny and too darling to hate. Even while he laugjs with Driftpaw. Why can't he miss me the way I miss him?
Northpaw is flirting with me while we eat, but it isn't enough to fill the gap in my heart.
I missed Lionpaw desperately.
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you've never met
But loving him was red
Loving him was red
Was there any point in pretending I was over him? Any point in pretending he didn't mean as much to me as he really did? I'm hardly aware of Northpaw gently licking my cheek.
I feel him looking towards me and we make eye contact for a short second, before he breaks it, and my heart as well. He doesn't care.
However, I don't think I would take it back if I had the choice. The feeling that came with loving him, and knowing he loved me back, even if it was only for a short night, had been wonderful.
It was unlike anything I had ever felt before.
And unlike anything I doubted I would ever feel again.
Touching her is like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you
Memorizing her was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favorite song
Fighting with her was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there’s no right answer
Regretting her was like wishing you never found out love could be that strong
I remember the first time our pelts brushed. It was like someone had lit a flare right in front of me, or painted a banner in the dewy dawn sky. The whole universe screamed, You belong together! I knew I had found all I needed to be happy. The harder part was getting my stubborn self accustomed to that fact. I failed her in that respect.
Still, no matter how prideful and stuck-up I had been, I couldn't deny my pull to Redpaw. The way my eyes traveled over her familiar, sparkling amber eyes and glossy coat. The way they felt like a second skin to me, yet still thrilled me with their beauty every time I dared sneak a peek at her, which was so irresistable a temptation I usually did it whether I'd get caught or not. Then I would pretend to be looking at Driftpaw. Silliness. How could she not see that I wanted her most of all, more then anything else?
But then again, how could I expect her to see, when I myself hadn't seen?
I remember all our fights, remember realizing that my words were making no sense to my heart, because all I really wanted to do was bury my face into her sweet-smelling fur. That made it nearly impossible to stay mad at Redpaw. No matter what, I saw that I couldn't win, because then she wouldn't be happy, and her happiness was a key to door in my life.
When we had our final fight, I walked away keeping my head high, to hide the pure agony coursing through me. I'm not even sure she noticed. I had hoped she wouldn't. I thought that maybe the misery of losing her would pass, just like any other she-cat. But deep down, I knew better. I almost wished that my love for her wasn't that strong, to save myself the intense pain of not having her by my said.
Yeah right. Like I could survive without knowing that, if I'd done nothing else, I had loved a cat like Redpaw.
Losing her was blue like I’d never known
Missing her was dark grey all alone
When we parted ways, I thought my heart would break, it hurt so badly. I couldn't register anything back at FlameClan's camp. All I could hear was her sweet voice, her purr, the purr that meant she was happy, and the scarlet shine of the sun on her fur as it brushed mine.
No matter how many times I tell myself to snap out of it, I can't. How do you erase someone you feel like is a part of you?
So, instead of owning up to how I felt, I wrapped myself in a thick curtain of shadows, not letting others see how much pain I was in. Especially her.
Forgetting her was like trying to know somebody you've never met
But loving her was red
Oh red burning red
No matter how much I wanted it to go away, for her memory to fade, it wouldn't, and it didn't help that I saw her every day, snuggled up with Northpaw, whose pelt I suddenly wanted to claw off.
The hurt was physical. I couldn't flirt with other she-cats without seeing Redpaw's face, without saying her name instead of theirs. Rainpaw beat me three times in a row in fight training(which has so never happened before) because Redpaw was nearby, and I kept wondering what she thought of me, and whether she was impressed. Judging by the way I got creamed, I'd judge that to be a no.
Anyway, no matter how much I tell myself that I'd be better off just forgetting Redpaw, whenever I think of what I gained by being around her, all that fades away. I know she made me a better cat. And I wouldn't have given up loving her for the world. She was perfection. She was everything to me.
And I think she still is.
Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes
When I think about Lionpaw, which I must admit, I spend almost all of my day doing, the memories don't slowly reach me. They are faint, and distant.
Just like him.
The memories are mostly sweet when they reach my head and I try to hold onto them, keep them as what is presently in my mind.
Because when I open my eyes I realize that I am not in his mind.
Tell myself it’s time now, gotta let go
But moving on from him is impossible
When I still see it all in my head
I try to tell myself that Northpaw is a perfectly good replacement. Handsome, funny, and smart. Which she-cat wouldn't want him?
Because, as impressive as Northpaw may be, Lionpaw will always be the cat I love. The cat I dream to have by my side. I don't know why.
Love just happens.
And it will always hurt someone when it ends, as all things must eventually come to an end, because that is how life works.
And this time, I was the one who got hurt.
Darling it was red!
I can't ever forget how lively, how wonderful and how encaptivating loving him had been. How brightly the passion between the two of us had burned.
Even if it only lasted for a single sunset.
I had known that we were meant for each other. Driftpaw and Northpaw were tearing us apart from each other. But what could I do?
He didn't want me anymore.
Even if he may not have realized how much that simple fact hurt me.
Oh, losing her was blue like I’d never known
Missing her was dark grey all alone
Forgetting her was like trying to know somebody you've never met
Cause loving her was red yeah yeah red
We're burning red
"Redpaw," I whisper to the wall of the apprentices' den. Everything is silent, bathed in the quieting darkness of night. But I can't sleep. She's in my mind again, like a perrennial bloom that never goes away. My gaze travels to her, sleeping peacefully in her nest, the moonlight glowing on her fur. I want her back so much it hurts, but I know that's impossible. We made our choice; no matter how much I may regret it, I can't be sure she feels the same way. And when I see how incredibly close her nest is to Northpaw's, their flanks nearly brushing, a spark of rage ignites in my heart anew. How could I let such a beautiful cat go?
So, instead of being manly enough to go over and tell her how I felt(while she was asleep, but still), I stewed alone, enveloped in a blanket of sadness. I thought our final good-byes were bad, but this, missing her, is far worse.
And I realize, I can't forget her. Not ever. I knew her like the back of my paw.
I can't forget the feeling of loving her, the red-hot blaze that started in my heart when we were around each other, the way I wanted to protect her and keep her safe. How do you forget a cat like Redpaw? You can't.
Unable to resist the temptation, I pad slowly over to her nest. I feel like a creep, standing over her in the middle of the night, but there's something incredibly beautiful about her when she sleeps. Curled up around herself, she looks adorably vulnerable and kit-like. I long to wrap my tail around her. Instead, I settle for giving her a quick lick on the cheek. She shifts in her sleep, a dreamy smile playing across her mouth. This isn't the Redpaw everyone else knows. This is my Redpaw. Even if I've ruined everything.
I head back to my nest, but not before I see the way, in the darkness, our pelts are both the color of fire. Red.
And that's why she's spinning round in my head
Comes back to me burning red
Laying my head on my paws, I give in to the images whirling around inside my head, all of them of her smiling face. I can't shake her out of my system.
"Redpaw," I whisper. "Come back to me. Please."
Just then, she raises her head in her nest. Our eyes lock. And I know she understands.
We're red. We always will be.
Cause love was like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street...