Book 2 of the DurpClan series! If you haven’t yet, read Starrystar’s Prophecy!
Allegiances That I'll Probably Never Update[]
Cat Submission Form[]
A/N: Please no more OCs, they're fun but I keep forgetting to use them and I'm too lazy to put them into the allegiances
You can create cats for this story! Just use this form:
Name:
Gender:
Clan/Tribe/Other:
Rank:
Appearance:
Personality:
Mate (Optional):
Kits (Optional):
A/N: If someone commented a cat and wants a mate for them but didn't make one, you can make one for them, but you need to have my permission and the permission of the original creator of that cat.
DurpClan (Cat Submission Closed)[]
Leader: Deadstar - A leader that is dead but all the cats still follow him
Deputy: Lardbelly - The fattest cat to ever walk the lake territories
Medicine Cat: Mosspool - Yet another gentle female medicine cat Apprentice: Fluffpaw
Warriors: Chickenleg - Battle-hungry tom who eats his weight in chicken every day
Mousebrain - Scatterbrained she-cat who often eats things she's not supposed to Apprentice: Dumbpaw
Nerdface - Smart tom with no sense of humor
Headchomper - A tom who likes to bite off enemy cat's heads
Buffpelt - Extremely muscular she-cat who beats up everyone
Angellight - The ultimate Mary-Sue, perfect with no personality
Orangesmile - A tom who's mouth is frozen in a smile and is obsessed with orange paint
Mountaindew - A green-tinted gray tom who is obsessed with Mountain Dew Apprentice: Vegetpaw
Midas - Former rogue with a golden pelt and amber eyes who can turn things to gold
Platinumtooth - Silver tom with yellow eyes who is too busy looking at his reflection in water to do anything
Spikyfur - A hedgehog that was teleported to DurpClan and is very confused
Faceplant - Rainbow colored she-cat who consistently face plants into the ground
Foxlight – The most sane cat in the clan
Loveclaw – A she-cat who is a very persuasive talker
Heartleaf – A very beautiful she-cat who all the toms like (even Deadstar!)
Silvertail - Gentle queen who will probably end up dying because of stereotypical plots
Lilactalon - A blue-gray she-cat with grey eyes, no one knows where the prefix "lilac" came from
Apprentices: Dumbpaw - Multiple cats have commented that he was the dumbest cat they had ever known
Fluffpaw - Another gentle female medicine cat trainee
Vegetpaw - White she-cat with amber eyes who usually has leaves wrapped around her and won't hunt or eat meat, although she sometimes steals berries from the medicine den
Starrypaw - Hairless tom with magenta eyes
Gangnumpaw - You never see him without "Gangnum style" playing in the background
Lasagnapaw - A tom who can make lasagna land on anyone's head
Queens: Silvertail - Gentle queen who will probably end up dying because of stereotypical plots (Mother of Starrykit, Gangnumkit, and Lasagnakit)
Lilactalon - A blue-gray she-cat with grey eyes, no one knows where the prefix "lilac" came from (Mother of Lovekit, Heartkit, and Foxkit)
Kits: Starrykit - Hairless tom with magenta eyes
Gangnumkit - You never see him without "Gangnum style" playing in the background
Lasagnakit - A kit who can make lasagna land on anyone's head
Lovekit - A she-kit who is a very persuasive talker
Heartkit - A very beautiful she-kit who all the toms like (Even Deadstar!)
Foxkit - The most sane kit in the clan
Elders: Droopyeyes: A tom who is sleeping 23 1/2 hours every day
MurpClan[]
Leader: Cheapstar - Whenever he is too lazy to hunt prey, he buys the cheapest prey possible from other cats
Deputy: Dirtface - He once face-planted in the dirtplace, and he's been called Dirtface ever since Apprentice: Herbkit
Medicine Cat: Addertail - Brown she-cat with black diamond markings and an adder attached to her tail, knows how to use it to heal cats
Mediator: Smokeweed - Has 6 maroon eyes (3 in the front, 3 in the back) with no fur around her eyes and 2 tails. Always walks around on her head using her 2 tails as legs. Likes rice cakes and only eats them and catnip.
Warriors: Birdflight - Brown she-cat with lilac eyes, any birds she draws come to life
Woolymammoth - Very large long-haired brown tom with giant tusks
Cucumberflight - Green she-cat who throws cucumbers just for the fun of it
Salamander - An overgrown salamander, is always confused as to where all his salamander buddies are
Cat 1 - A tom who is just a cat. That's it.
Cat 2 - See Cat 1
Memi - A she-cat who cannot spell to save her life
Yellowfang - The same as the one from the books, grumpy and gets annoyed easily
Thymefang - rip off of Yellowfang
Rhymefang - rip off of Yellowfang
Lymefang - rip off of Yellowfang
Apprentices: Herbkit - A very small dark green tom with fur that sticks up everywhere. Constantly smells like catnip for absolutely no reason. He is 2 moons old but got made a medicine cat apprentice early because the medicine cat said StarClan told him to. His only personality is he likes herbs and being a medicine cat.
TikTok-ers: TikTokpeep - Beautiful silver Mary-Sue who doesn't care about anything other than TikTok (Mother of Instagramkit and Snapchatkit)
Kits: Instagramkit - A kit who likes everything, is in a rival war with Snapchatkit
BurpClan[]
Leader: Fuzzystar - Brown she-cat with very fluffy fur, throws hunks of animal fur at cats that disagree with her, has a secret storage of animal pelts for ammunition supply
Deputy: Loudface - Dark brown tom with white eyes, has a crush on Dirtkit
Medicine Cat: Dandelionleaf - Yellow she-cat who will only eat dandelion flowers (not the puff balls)
Warriors: Dumbwing - White she-cat with white eyes, pretends to be stupid to mess with everyone
Yeetface - Gray tom with rainbow eyes who can only say YEET
Cyborg - Metal cat-shaped robot with half it's right ear missing, always ready for battle, kicks clanmates, and attacks everyone
Foxheart - Super massive black tom with red eyes and is really really big. He has really long fangs and his claws are always dripping blood even when he hasn't done anything. He hates absolutely everyone and everything and loves murder, is always angry, and kills anyone who gives him the slightest provocation, but for some reason is still trusted by those of higher ranks
Maggotface - A really ugly golden she-cat, always has super dirty, matted fur and has a lot of fleas. Half her teeth are missing and she's covered in scars, and even water can't clean her. Is always sad because no one likes her (except Foxheart)
Eelegg - Double letter pro tom
Ickysticky - A she-cat who is always sticky with something no one can identify
FOXDUNG!!! - A she-cat who sees everything as the worst it can be
Moonheartshinecloud - Your typical perfect Mary-Sue, often argues with Angellight of DurpClan over who is more of one.
Queens: Twoleg - Obese, bright silver tom who loves everything to do with food and is a known food thief (Mother/father/whatever of Fatkit)
Kits: Dirtkit - Warrior aged she-cat who you don't wanna know how she was born
Fatkit - Very skinny golden tom who has green eyes
Vaderkit - Black kit with permanent whitecough
Forcekit - Pale kit with a strange sense of humor
Strangekit - Named this just for comic relief
Bloodkit - A super big red she-cat with the longest fangs and claws a cat has ever seen, and has bright red eyes and a snake tongue. She's always mad and aggressive, and will kill you for no reason whatsoever. If you call her mom (Maggotface) ugly, she'll kill you and throw your body into a volcano.
Elders: Elderkit - Golden tabby with white and green eyes, most beautiful cat ever. He hates the medicine cat because she stuffed him into the elders den when StarClan told her to. Does nothing except come up with roasts.
Unranked: Spirit - She's basically a ghost and does nothing but scare kits and make memes (mother of Vaderkit, Forcekit, and Strangekit; their father is Lightsaber from UrpClan)
UrpClan[]
Leader: YouTubestar - Red tom with 2 blue eyes and a green third eye, watches everything on YouTube as soon as it's released
Deputy: Tailkit - An actual kit who was appointed deputy when the leader went insane, goes by the name of Tailkit the Mighty
Medicine Cat: Dogbreath - Blue-gray tom who once ate a dog, and his breath has smelled like a dog ever since
Warriors: Lionscale - ginger tom with royal blue colored scales that can't be harmed by teeth or claws.
Stupidhead - Large ginger tom with a black tuft of fur on his head and green eyes, can't remember anything that happened over 5 seconds ago, makes up for some of his stupidity in strength, but can never remember his battle moves.
Dogtail - Blue-gray tom with a short tail, never does not have the OwO expression on, is called "that insane one in the corner" for a reason
Lightsaber - The best warrior of all time, he changes colors depending on his mood and is that weird cats that others respect but are a little weirded out, answers questions with random stuff.
The Eighthlets: Toms who have a specific catchphrase
Payclaw - "Gimme dat prey!"
Jayclaw - "Fly away, or else!"
Ayclaw - "Ay, that mine!"
Hayclaw - "Hey, hay, hmmmmmmm..."
Mayclaw - "Flowers! Flowers! FLOWERS!"
Nayclaw - "Nope. Don't even think about it."
Rayclaw - "Bow down, pheasants! I meant peasants!"
Wayclaw - "We know the waaaaaaayyyyyy."
Queens: Burntface - ginger she-cat with a burnt face from reheating food from Buffalo Wild Wings, and only cares about Cringekit (to the point where she would give her chicken wings to him) (Mother of Cringekit)
Kits: Cringekit - The outcast who tries to fit in but is extremely cringey
Rainbowkit - Maroon she-kit with rainbow eyes and a golden star on her forehead, is kind, helpful, and perfect... until you are mean to her. Than, you die.
Tribe of the Big Banana[]
Leader: Pool that is yellow at Sunset (Yellowpool) - big yellow she-cat with brown eyes and ears and a green tail tip who is good at leading, but only leading like a kittypet, and she was once a kittypet and the tribe worships her
Translator: Translator That Messes Up Everything (Translator) - A she-cat with pale ginger fur that has white splotches all over it. Smart and a living dictonary, she can understand, speak and read every existing language or form of comunication as well as someone who spoke it as their first langauge, and could not fight to save her life
Cave-Guards: Pads That Cracked When Walking (Cracked) - A nasty tom with long dark brown fur with leftovers from 3 days ago stuck in it, cracked pink paw pads and a wet pink nose, smells like a dumpster 24/7
LMAOclaw - A tom whose personality is completely summed up by LMAO
LOLfur - A tom whose personality is LOL
XDtail - See above, except replace LOL with XD
Wind that Whispers your doom - Tries to take over the world
Meme That Just Won't Die (Meme) - A tom with all the colours of a doge, and is funny, loud, whiny, and only speaks by quoting memes.
Prey-Hunters: Greeting of Troubled Tom (TroubledTom) - A tom who frets over almost everything.
Hehehe hehehe he - Can't stop laughing
Shining gold coin hidden in dirt (Shining) - Supposed to be a prey catcher, but he actually spends all day looking for shiny things. His pelt is gold and shines like the sun, he is also greedy, obessed and weird, and he only speaks with words related to shiny
Crazy Cat who Screams (Crazycat) - Purple she-cat with rainbow stripes who catchphrase is "IMA FIREN ME LAZEAR"
To-Bes: Crawl of Squashed Spider - Hairless munchkin cat who is eyeless and earless and all her legs are twisted. She doesn't need a personality because she's so amazing and is the best hunter in the tribe
Tribe of the Evil Goose (Cat Submission Closed)[]
Leader: Wing of Fried Buffalo Chicken (Chickenwing) - Reddish brown she-cat with a flaky pelt and off-white paws, always sneaks down to a farm in twolegplace and hordes their chicken, which no other cat is allowed to touch
Cave-Guards: Cave that makes Mist Rise (Risenmist) - A dark grey she-cat with amber eyes who squints at everyone and is secretly with DurpClan (know as Darkmist in DurpClan)
Cat that sleeps all day (Sleepycat) - Black tom with yellow eyes who sleeps almost all day every day, siblings are Distrustedcat and Cat that loves beautiful flowers
Cat that everyone distrusts (Distrustedcat) - Gray tom with green eyes. For some reason every cat distrusts him with everything and he hates it
Cat that loves beautiful flowers (Flowerlover) - Gray tabby she-cat with yellow eyes and is deaf in one ear. She loves to pick flowers to line her nest and is therefore clueless and distracted
Eclipse that makes the cave dark and causes all the cats to scream in fear (Eclipsefear) - Dark black tabby tom with dark amber eyes and a white half mask and white tail stripes. Also has a shoft, squished looking face, sits in front of the cave sinisterly waiting for a cat to jumpscare.
Hyperbole of Too Much Heaviness (Hyperbole) - Exaggerates anything and everything.
Alliteration of Alligators Aligning Atop An Apple (Alliteration) - Sentences always end up having repeating sounds
Prey-Hunters: Sun that's covered by clouds (Sun to tribe, Suncloud to clans, which isn't used often) - White tom with orange eyes, for some reason Chickenwing thinks that he's a chicken
Flame that burns like the Sun (Sunfire) - Golden-red she-cat with gray eyes who smells like freshly baked apple pie, her scent attracts prey, making her a bit lazy.
Squirrel that hides in tree (Squirrel) - Dark brown tom with a red tail tip and eyes that change from yellow to green to blue, refuses to hunt or eat squirrels, and sneaks out at the same time Chickenwing does to worship the squirrels
Big Mac from McDonalds (Big Mac) - Black tom with white eyes that has a hamburger bun stuck to his head and only eats big macs
Personification of Whispering Wind - personalizes (cat-erizes?) everything
Simile of Cats like Mice and Mice like Cats - Compares everything to everything else.
Kit-Mothers: Owl that screams in exasperation because its owlets keep jumping out of the nest (Owlscream) - A dark brown she-cat with small white dots all over her pelt, a tan face and a large fluffy tail, bright yellow eyes that are almost neon but not quite, and a long snout. A frustrated chatterbox who can disintegrate your ears from too much noise, and is good at screaming loudly. (Mother of Doeshiver and Eaglepine)
To-Bes: Raven that flies at dusk (Raven to tribe, Ravendusk to clans) - Ginger tom with brown eyes and black legs and can fight like LionClan and TigerClan put together and can't be harmed except for thorns (nobody knows that), is a spy with Risenmist and is training to be a cave-guard
Ocean Breeze that picks up sand (Ocean to tribe and Oceanbreeze to clans) - cream she-cat with golden (the metal) legs and ears. She loves to be in trees and will only eat fish, is training to be a hunter and is a spy with Risenmist and Raven
Wing of Odd-Eyed Dove (Wing) - pale gray tom whose eyes look green to some cats and blue to others, is always confused about why his parents named him after his eye color, if his eyes are blue or green, and since he somehow read all the warriors books, about Dovewing, who looks to similar to him for his name to be a coincidence, is training to be a prey-hunter
Pelt of Blazing Fire (Blaze) - ginger tabby tom with green eyes, he can never take that much damage from smoke or fire, but has a weakness to water and doesn't do well in it, even for a cat not used to swimming.
Kits: Doe who watches her fawn get murdered by a wolf while shaking in fear (Doeshiver) - Dark brown pelt with a white half face mask and white specks on her pelt and a fluffy tail. has her mothers eyes but slightly less alomst neon, a goody-two-shoes who is scared of everything and often has weird dreams of what is happening in ChickenClan.
Eagle that flies into a pine tree than falls to the ground screeching (Eaglepine) - Dark black with a long snout and white stripes on his tail. has his fathers dark amber eyes, a slightly crazy kit who enjoys jumpscaring everyone just like his father, he has about 20 braincells and is not the smartest cat, and is his fathers favorite kit because he will willingly go with him to jumpscare unsuspecting cats.
Twolegplace cats[]
Tom - A gray tom that eats anyone who calls him tom, and because of that he has ate multiple Twolegs
She-cat - A gray she-cat who Mountaindew is terrified will find his Mountain Dew
Plastic Bag - A white tom with black eyes whose head is permanently stuck in a plastic bag
Cantelope - A yellow tom with amber eyes who always yells and will eat anything and everything because he is always hungry
Jar - White tom with his head stuck in a very small jar. He is a kittypet but he just invites himself to go anywhere he wants and the cats just have to deal with it. No one knows how he gets to so many places so quickly
Trump - An orange tom with golden fur on his head and blue eyes. He is completely stupid with absolutely no sense of priorities, selfish and greedy, is physically and mentally weak. Has an IQ of -999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
Fred - A black tom with an eyepatch who always carries a gun and is never seen not riding a unicorn with glowing red eyes
Chicken - Golden tom with red eyes, he seems nice but is actually mean, lazy and weird, and has an army of cursed chickens, so he wants all the clan chicken. Knows everything about the Tribes and Clans
Cat - A ginger tabby and white tom with green eyes, and has no defining characteristics to set him apart from any other ginger tabby, always sounds like he's stoned and offers everyone he sees catnip
Hallo - German Turkish Van who says everything in German
Hola - Spanish Turkish Van who says everything in Spanish
Ahoj - Czech Turkish Van who says everything in Czech
Salut - French Turkish Van who says everything in French
Hei - Norwegian Turkish Van who says everything in Norwegian
Merhaba - Turkish Turkish Van (what?) who says everything in Turkish
liSzUrD - sandy brown she-cat with amber eyes who can't spell or capitalize anything correctly, the long-lost sister of FOXDUNG!!!
Paparazzi - A pale pink she-cat with turquoise eyes and a camera around her neck, is creepy and weird as she is always following someone around or taking pictures. Often stalks YouTubestar and Fred because they are famous.
Prologue[]
Trump walks along the wall separating the forest and Twolegplace, his many years of less-than-average brainpower coming into play to create something brilliant. Catty Mccattus will now interview Trump and his uncommonly weak IQ.
Catty Mccattus: So, Trump, why did you build a wall there? It makes me need to take a detour to my donut shop.
Trump: Because me like pizza!
Catty Mccattus: Uh, what?
Trump: I am a goat!
Catty Mccattus: OK, I’ll… leave you to it. (Runs away in panic)
Meanwhile…
Hooded Cat: I am totally not Darth Firestar!
Another Hooded Cat: (Facepalms) No, you idiot! Not only is this a terrible opening statement for the second part of the prologue, it’s way too obvious that you ARE Darth Firestar.
Darth Firestar: But didn’t you just confirm that I am Darth Firestar?
Another Hooded Cat: I thought it was obvious to the readers.
Darth Firestar: Yes, Emperor Banana- (Gets smashed by tree)
Emperor Bananaface: (Flings tree into swamp) I hate you.
Darth Firestar: That’s nice.
And unfortunately…
WatermelonClan: (Throwing watermelons) Grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.
Chapter 1: Already More Stupid Than Before[]
“Starrypaw was randomly reading in his den somehow, which is confusing because warrior cats don’t have books. He read the last couple sentences (Donkey Kong ate the bananas and threw them at a giant slab of lasagna. The end.) before throwing the book at Gangnumpaw. The book exploded in a blast of fire and melted Gangnumpaw, before he went out and destroyed all the minor characters in existence. The End.” Starrypaw finished reading his book and threw it into orbit with his awesomeness.
Chickenleg poked his head around the entrance of the den. “Starrypaw, it’s time for-” he started to say before the book fell out of orbit and landed on his head, knocking him face first into the fresh-kill pile. When he did, he accidentally activated the “YouTubestar brand disco ball™” that was hidden inside of it, shooting out bright beams of light. Those lights ended up going into the eyes of the Teletubbies baby-faced sun and made it crash into the Earth, blowing up the world. The end.
Starrypaw finished reading his book and ate it. For some reason, it tasted like lasagna. Starrypaw shrugged (wait, can cats even shrug?) and walked outside just as a random truck drove through the wall of the camp. The door opened with a cloud of steam and two cats stepped out. One of them was yellow, while the other one was white with a jar stuck on his head.
“Hello, peoples! I am Jar, and this is my slave Cantelope!” shouted the one with the jar on his head.
“I’m not your slave, I just came along because you said I could eat all their fresh kill,” said the yellow cat.
“Wait, I did? I totally didn’t!” Jar sputtered as the heads of all the DurpClan cats turned towards him without moving their bodies.
Suddenly, Starrypaw, who had teleported out moments before, dragged a massive pile of chicken through the camp. Deadstar lassoed the previous fresh-kill pile with a receipt and threw it at Cantelope, while the DurpClan cats all charged towards the new mass of chicken. Cantelope poked his pile in disgust. “How uncivilized are you? This chicken isn’t even roasted.”
All the cats stopped eating. “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” screeched Chickenleg so loudly that it knocked Cantelope backwards. “THE FLAMETHROWER OF LIGHT IS GONE!!!!!!!!”
“Umm… do you want me to get it for you?” asked Cantelope.
“You will or we will throw you into our sacrificial volcano!”
“Wait, what sacrificial volcano?”
The volcano rose up from the ground. “There” replied Chickenleg.
“Okay… I’ll go and get it.” Cantelope said as he lassoed Jar and dragged him into the truck.
Suddenly, a cat walked in through the entrance to the camp who had a jar on his head. “Hi, kitties!”
The DurpClan cats stared. “Umm, I think I’ll be leaving now,” said Cantelope as he dragged Jar into the truck and floored it, smashing a hole through the wall of the camp
Deadstar printed a receipt that said, “That’s coming out of your paycheck!”
“You don’t even employ me!” yelled back Cantelope.
Chapter 1.5: The Dreaded Lionblaze Chapter[]
Starrypaw had fished his book out of his mouth, but he screeched in horror as he saw that the first word of the chapter was “Lionblaze”. IT WAS A LIONBLAZE CHAPTER! This didn’t add anything to the plot at all. Yay!
Chapter 2: Fred vs. Trump[]
Fred rode his majestic glowing-red-eyes unicorn to the Twolegplace, where he knew there would be some batteries of light. He was looking at the "Fred brand Batteries of Light Tracker 3000" when his unicorn smashed straight into a wall that wasn't there before. Fred looked up and saw a face with an extremely dumb look on it. It was Trump!
"Will you let me through?" asked Fred politely, trying to see if Trump was remotely reasonable today.
"Never!” replied Trump. “I have all the donut shops held captive, and I will not let anyone have the donuts except ME! ME ME ME ME ME!!!”
Fred facepalmed (pawed?) as “ME ME ME!” continued coming down from the wall top.
A few hours later…
“ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME-!”
“Shut up already!” yelled up Fred.
“HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO THE GREAT TRUMP LIKE THAT!”
“Why are you using all caps?”
“BECAUSE I CAN’T CAPITALIZE THINGS CORRECTLY IF I DON’T!”
“Really?”
“yEs”
“You know what, just stick with the all caps.”
“OKAY, THANKS FOR THE ADVICE! MY IQ WASN’T HIGH ENOUGH TO THINK OF THAT!”
While this surprisingly stupid conversation was going on, Fred’s unicorn was slowly inching towards the gun that Fred had dropped when they crashed into the wall. With a “whatever noise that unicorns normally make” screech, it picked up the gun and was immediately pelted with donuts. “I WILL DESTROY THE UNICORN!!!!!!!!!! DONUTS DONUTS DONUTS!!!!!!!”
dance, but it still somehow managed to shoot the gun at the walltop, which immediately caused mass panic. “HE HIT THE SELF DESTRUCT BUTTON!!!!!” yelled Trump.
“RUUUUUUNNNNNN!!!!!” yelled Catty Mccattus, who had been sneaking over the wall to the donut shop. Random bricks began popping off the wall, and it started to shake, Trump disappearing behind the perapet parapat castley things that pop over the side. The wall keeled over backwards and crushed Trump, who was trying to run away.
Fred shrugged and walked over the wall. When he got 10 feet away from the wall, he heard sobbing. He followed the sound until he saw Catty Mccattus weeping over half a sign that said “donut s” with half a picture of a donut on it. Upon reading this sentence, every reader, who can all totally relate to this, starts sobbing too. Why are you not sobbing!? SOB ALREADY!!!! There. Now that everyone has had a good cry we can continue the story. *sniffle*
Chapter 3: We Like to Party[]
Hehehe…
“Why are you chuckling, random author person?” asked Starrypaw.
Nothing, nothing… *snort*
“Really, why?”
JUST CONTINUE THE STORY ALREADY!
“OK.” Starrypaw pressed the ‘reality button™’ which teleported everyone back to the very non-realistic reality of this story.
Lasagnapaw woke up with his normal irrepressible hunger for lasagna, and there was only ONE PIECE LEFT! (Sound familiar?). He jumped up faster than Starrypaw had ever seen any cat jump before and charged towards the fresh-kill pile as he saw Spikeyfur moving towards the last piece of lasagna!
At the same time, a WatermelonClan badger somehow managed to stagger into the camp at that exact second. What happened next was often debated among the cats, mostly due to an incident of a pink toad that could erase memories and an army of war turtles. Lasagnapaw made a dive for the lasagna at the same time Spikeyfur reached the fresh-kill pile. When Lasagnapaw landed, he hit Spikeyfur’s self-destruct button (Why is that even there?) just as the badger charged through the barrier, throwing watermelons like mad and roaring out a battle cry. Spikeyfur exploded, obliterating the badger. Badger remains started raining all over the camp.
“Holp!” Starrypaw ducked into the shuffleboard court
“I think that may be too much graphic violence!” exclaimed Spikeyfur.
“How did you reappear so fast?” asked Lasagnapaw, finishing off the lasagna.
Spikeyfur smirked. “Magic.”
Sockpuppet appeared from the sky. “The ‘Mandate on how chapter events must correspond/correlate with the title of said chapter on an entirely way too long mandate name’ declares that you party for the rest of the chapter,” he said. He also gave Lasagnapaw a beer because why not.
“PARTY” screamed Lasagnapaw, waving the beer around. He opened it and naturally, as something will do if you shake it too much, launched him out of the camp like a rocket. All the cats winced as a massive explosion shook the camp and the sound of toppling trees sounded in the distance.
9000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 hours later…
Starrypaw was hungry because of course they had eaten all the party favors (chicken) in the first 10 minutes. He ate 20 trees before his hunger was satisfied and went to his (insert whatever the cat’s beds were called because I’m too lazy to reread the series here). He immediately went to sleep.
He woke back up in a dark shadowed forest, with two hooded cats standing in front of him. “Hi, Darth Firestar and Emperor Bananaface!” he said.
Emperor Bananaface turned to the side and slapped Darth Firestar. “I told you that it would be more awesome if he just thought of us as mysterious, awesome cats, not a less awesome but still awesome cat in me and a dunderbrained idiot like you!”
“Hey, that’s not fair!” complained Darth Firestar. “How was I supposed to know that I would be less awesome?”
“Well, too bad.”
“I think that I should be considered more awesome, because I’m the one who’s building a massive battlesh- mmmmpppphhhh!” said Darth Firestar as Emperor Bananaface caught him in a headlock and started doing that thing that cartoon characters do when they smash someone against the ground on both sides.
“Stop… saying… all… of… our… names… and… evil… plans!” went Emperor Bananaface between smashes.
“What was that about a battleship?” asked Starrypaw, his eyes lighting up as he imagined a massive battleship blowing up Cheapstar, who Starrypaw was still kind of annoyed at for stealing money.
“Nothing,” said Emperor Bananaface. “Wanna play shuffleboard?”
“Sure!” exclaimed Starrypaw, immediately forgetting about the battleship.
On the way to the shuffleboard court, they passed the Durp Forest camp, Stinkyland, which had massive colored spotlights coming out of it.
“What are they doing in there?” asked Starrypaw as he watched as, because the normal den maintenance hadn’t been done, the front half of one of the dens fall off and slowly sank into the mud, leaving a bubble on the surface where it had gone down.
“Section 74 of the mandate that dictates how all events in this overly complicated book should happen and is also in need of a shorter title (good old MTDHAEITOCBSHAIAINOAST) states that all idiots cats should follow the rules of the chapter title exactly, without question,” stated Darth Firestar.
“Okay,” replied Starrypaw as they arrived at the shuffleboard court because saying that had taken way too long. They snuck in to play some more shuffleboard, but something was wrong. Starrypaw could sense it with his psychic abilities that manifested for 2 seconds before disappearing again. Starrypaw spun around, and ChickenClan was waiting, each holding a chicken gun (don't ask).
"RUN!" Darth Firestar yelled as the ChickenClan cats started firing chicken at the Durp Forest cats, mowing down some expendable unnamed side characters as Starrypaw, Darth Firestar, and Emperor Bananaface jumped behind a conveniently placed log.
"What do we do?" asked Darth Firestar as chicken legs ricocheted off the log.
"Well, I'm out of here, you two have fun!" said Starrypaw cheerfully as he started to wake up.
"No, wait, HELP US-"
Darth Firestar's scream faded off as Starrypaw woke back up to the sound of Gangnum Style because the author remembered that Gangnumpaw existed. All was right in the world.
Chapter 4: Tribes at War[]
The Tribe of the Evil Goose's camp was still on fire, but the fire hadn't spread for some reason. No one was entirely sure why, but they took advantage of this lull in order to attempt to find a way to put out the fire without the Anti-Curse shield, which was still out of batteries.
"Maybe if we blow on the fire it will go out!" suggested Big Mac.
"Where'd you get that stupid suggestion from?" asked Chickenwing.
"I just randomly thought of it 10 seconds ago!"
"Okay, sounds good to me!"
Chickenwing ordered Sunfire to blow on the fire, and it reacted a little bit when she did, blowing the fire a bit. "We need more power!" yelled Sunfire.
"Then we shall have more power!"
Chickenwing ordered all of the cats in the Tribe to stand on each other's head, so there was one giant totem pole thing of cats just standing there.
"BLOW!" commanded Chickenwing.
While one breath was not enough to affect the fire, the breaths of all of the cats combined in perfect unison to harmonize into a force far greater than the fire.
Unfortunately, they just blew the fire over the rest of the camp.
"WE'RE DOOMED!" screamed Big Mac as the rest of the camp burst into flames, the tower of cats toppling as a massive black bottomless pit opened underneath them, swallowing the entire fort and all the cats in it whole.
Outside, the Tribe of the Big Banana was sleeping peacefully when Yellowpool woke up to watch the camp of the Tribe of the Evil Goose sink into the ground. She only had time to smile before a massive ring of fire burst into existence around the Tribe of the Big Banana, waking up everyone and sending a wave of fire along the entire group of them.
"THE CURSE IS SPREADING!!!!!!!! WE'RE DOOMED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Fail, who immediately exploded into a million pieces because why not.
Mass panic broke out among the Tribe as Cackling Chicken and LOLfur started laughing maniacally. Yellowpool desperately leapt for the already-smoldering remnants of the catapult, but the fire spread over them and they immediately melted into nothing.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Yellowpool as the final remains of her beloved catapult left this existence for all eternity.
Cackling Chicken turned into a chicken and caught fire again, running around cackling madly. Grumpycat proceeded to use the last of the fire extinguisher to extinguish Cackling Chicken, rather than to enable the entire tribe to escape by creating a gap in the fire.
"WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?" yelled Yellowpool to no one in particular as the fire rapidly spread over the entire camp, lighting all the cats on fire before another massive bottomless hole opened underneath them, swallowing the entire camp and every remaining tribe cat in existence. Bye bye.
And thus the great prophecy of the Chicken God was fulfilled, and those who killed but did not eat a chicken met their untimely and entirely realistic fate.
To Be Continued...