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Essay
This page contains a fan fiction written by SweetSacrifice13.
This page contains the opinions of the original author(s), and is not patrolled for factual accuracy.
Remember that this story is non-canon. It may contain false characters, plots, or locations.
Responses, comments & other feedback should be made on the comments section below.

The following story is rated Safe.

This is a story that is written like it's supposed to be taken seriously, but trust me, I wrote it as a comedy/crackfic. Enjoy!


Chapter 1 - Someone POV

Why, hello there! My name started out as Somekit, then Somepaw, and finally, Someone, because I always wanted to be someone other than myself - I did this by acting. I....I have a dream. It's a beautiful dream that is so beautiful that its beauty will blind you with its shiny beautified spectacularness. I hope.....I hope.....to perform on Broadway!
Some cats say "That's impossible, Someone! We're cats and we could never perform on Broadway!" But I know they are actually jealous of my wonderful talent. I can sing, I can dance, I can act....I have it all!
Who do I wanna be in a play, and what play, you ask?
I wanna be....
I wanna be....
I wanna be....
Annie!


Chapter 2 - Darkheart POV

I'm sighing right now. Because of my stupid name. Darkheart. I know, I know. It really does fit me, though. I have dark black fur, dark green eyes, and a very depressed outlook on life.
That's why every cat I know would laugh if they knew what I wanted to be....
A hairstylist.
I know! It's horrible! But ever since I was a kit, I've been obsessed with hair. In fact, I hang pictures of Amy Lee, Hayley Williams, and Avril Lavigne on the warrior den walls so I can study their luscious hair!
Everyone else says I'm a twoleg stalker.
I can see where they'd get that.
But I know, somewhere deep in my heart, that someday, all the cats will be coming to me with their fur problems.
And for all those cats that ever made fun of me or my name....
I'll have a nice bottle of permanent lime green hair dye ready. Even though that would make them look awesome.
So instead, I would get some good-quality bleach ready.


Chapter 3 - Celestialpaw POV

My name is Celestialpaw.
And I'm the most gorgeous cat you'll ever see in your life.
That's why I'm gonna become a model/designer when I grow up!
My dream is to be the first cat on the cat walk! See what I did there? Oh yeah, model humor!
Some toms say I'm too ugly to even think of walking near twolegs because they would run away screaming, but I know they're just jealous of my insane beauty.
Oh, and in case you're wondering, all my clothes will be by Calvin Klein, the epic awesomeness of the designer clothing genre.
I have no room in my heart for Ralph Lauren or Marc Jacobs.
Sorry, Ralphie, sorry, Marcie.
Oh, and I plan to get a ear job.
And a jaw job.
And a tail job.
And a paw job.
And a leg job.
And a tummy job.
And a chest job.
And a tongue job.
And a teeth job.
And a claw job.
And a flank job.
And a shoulder job.
And most importantly, a nose job!
You know, just to be on the safe side. Obviously, I am so beautiful I would never really need these things.
But....safety first, ya know!

Chapter 4 - Fishtail POV

My mother named me Fishtail of RiverClan.
For some reason, I want to own a Chinese restaurant. I'm not sure why. But I do know that all the cats would think I lived on awesomesauce if I did happen to open a Chinese restaurant, right here in RiverClan territory! They would pay me in mousetails so they wouldn't have to eat fish anymore.
I would name it...."His Mother Named Him Fishtail of RiverClan and This is His Chinese Awesomesauce Restaurant of Awesome Epicness."
For a minute there, I thought it seemed like a mouthful. But I figured it was so spice it would be easy to remember.
Oh, and if you couldn't tell by now, I have an addiction to strange words.
I think that my Chinese restaurant will be the hottest thing since Firestar's restaurant, "I Am the Most Elderly Cat Ever To Open This Fantabulous Italian Restaurant."
To me, I thought the food was pretty mediocre, but hey, Firestar really couldn't please everyone, especially since some of his anti-wrinkle cream had apparently dripped into my spagghetti.
But since I'm awesometastically young, I won't be poisoning anyone with anti-wrinkle cream.
Or....will I?

Chapter 5 - Someone POV

So I hired this cat agent - his name is Bob - to help me audition for Annie. Bob says he's a Clan cat, and I really think he is! Just because I've never seen him anywhere in my whole life or Bob is a kittypet name doesn't mean anything!
"Keep your chin up, Someone. When you audition, you're supposed to look young, because Annie is a little twoleg girl. You can't look over eight moons old, darling!"
"Eight moons old?!" I snapped. "But I'm a senior warrior!"
Bob rolled his eyes. "Hun, you have to commit! Do you want to star in Annie before you retire to elderdom? Yes? That's what I thought. Now look alive!"
I rolled my dark blue eyes, annoyed by Bob's idioticracy.
"Now sing your heart out, my dear, sing your heart out!"
I took a deep breath, then belted out the first few lyrics to "It's a Hard Knock Life".
"Brava, my sweet, brava!" Bob ran over, mezmerized by how amazing I'd done.
"Thank you."
"But you hit a few flat notes once or twice."
I felt my nose flare. "What?! Bob, how dare you say I sang like a dying badger!"
Bob looked confused. "But I didn't - "
I felt tears come to my eyes. "I can't even look at you right now, Bob! Get out of my sight!"
Bob walked away. "Diva," he snapped.
"What-ev-ah!"
How in the whole wide world could I ever be considered a diva?
Silly Bob.

Chapter 6 - Darkheart POV

I convinced my friend, Wovenfur, to be my first customer.
She agreed, as long as I didn't make her look as ugly as that Celestialpaw cat in WindClan. But, whatever.
I knew most things about human hair, so I had snuck into a twoleg nest and stole two different items - one was a reflection thing that let me see myself, and the other was a thing with points on the end that cut things when I pressed something on it.
"So, I'll be more beautiful than that ugly Celestialpaw she-cat, right?" Wovenfur was anxious.
I just laughed. "Of course you will! I didn't spend all my time studying Amy Lee, Hayley Williams, and Avril Lavigne's hair just for nothing!"
While I experimented with the buzzing, pointy thing, I noticed that wherever I used it, Wovenfur's fur was removed, showing her skin underneath. It kind of freaked me out, but I continued to use it.
After I figured Wovenfur would kill me if she saw her pelt - or lack thereof - at this point, so I stopped.
"Ta da," I said weakly. "You look beautiful." I slid the reflecting thing underneath her face.
She screamed.
"Oh my gosh, Darkheart! You made me uglier than Celestialpaw!"
I grimaced, because sadly, this was true.

Chapter 7 - Celestialpaw POV

Ugh, mouse-brained ThunderClan cats! I heard that they think I'm ugly!
Of course, there's no way this could be true. All ThunderClan does is gossip, anyways.
I'll show them! And by showing them, I have gotten my beautiful - but not as beautiful as me - best friend ever, Alice (she's a rogue, because all the cats in my Clan think they're better than me!), to wear the clothes I sewed with my tiny kitty claws, and then to strut around as I told her to - you know, just so I wouldn't look like a mouse-brain in the future.
The first outfit I sewed together for Alice was a amazing one - if I do say so myself. It was a tight black Paramore band tee, extremely skinny black jean shorts, and the most wonderful strappy gold high heels that even Jimmy Choo would try to steal.
"So am I beautiful?" Alice asked.
"Here's how we figure out," I whispered. "Walk into camp, and if they don't murder you, then you know you're gorgeous."
For some reason, Alice seemed to like this idea. We walked over to my camp. If they murdered her....that wouldn't be good, obviously. And if they didn't....then yay!
Alice walked into the camp, trying to balance on her high heels.
A lot of cats stared at her, disturbed.
"Hi!" She yowled out. "I'm a rogue! And I'm invading your camp!"
"Oh my gosh, rogue!" Somebody screamed. Before I could stop them, all of the warriors I knew of rushed forward, prepared to rip Alice apart.
As they drew nearer, I heard one of them yowl, "Ewww! What in the world is she wearing?!"
Alice scoffed. "Ex-cuh-use me, but Celestialpaw sewed this outfit together for me! It's hotter than the latest Chanel piece!"
"Cats can't sew!" Some elder called out.
I rolled my eyes. "Whatever! Of course we can!"
"And what the heck is Chanel?"
"Only the greatest designer ev-er, second to Calvin Klein!" I snapped.
"What you sewed is horrible," the leader hissed.
Ugh. These silly WindClan cats.
They just can't appreciate true beauty.

Chapter 8 - Fishtail POV

So, for the first time ever, I cooked some Chinese noodles. I got my friend, Falcongaze, to taste-test them for me.
"Oh my StarClan," he muttered as soon as he ate them.
"What?!" I dashed forward. I had to know if my Chinese noodles were better than Firestar's Italian spagghetti.
Falcongaze just sat there, his eyes wide.
"SPEAK!" I commanded.
He did nothing.
"Well?! Are they good? Bad? Please tell me they're better than Firestar's spagghetti!"
He finally attempted talking. "I....I....I....."
"What?!" I demanded.
"How in the world can cats cook?"
If I could facepalm, I'm sure I would've.
"Just tell me! Is it better than Firestar's spagghetti?"
"Well....I think I detect some anti-wrinkle cream in the teriyaki sauce...."
Aw, darn.
He found out my secret.


Chapter 9 - Someone POV

I'm sooo happy right now!
Bob came back and demanded I apologize for my "behavior".
Like I said before, silly Bob.
Anyway, yes, I did apologize. There's no other talent agent like Bob.
After we reconciled, he whipped out his cell phone, and called the producer-slash-director of Annie.
I'm going to audition for the lead role! We're driving there in Bob's motorcycle - which he hijacked from his twoleg - and Bob promises me I'm going to be a star!
I knew something great was going to happen if I dreamed big!
We finally arrived at the auditioning studio. I saw a large, obese, lumbering twoleg.
"Yuck, why are there these filthy rodents on my set? George, get these disease-ridden vermin away from me!"
For some reason, he was pointing at us when he said that.
A thin twoleg in white skinny jeans and a tight black turtlenck dashed forward, picking both me and Bob up.
"Hey!" I snapped. "Let me go! I'm here to audition!"
George ignored me. Oh, George.
I bit his bony fingers.
"Ye-OW!" He screamed, dropping us and sucking on where I'd bitten him.
"I said I was here to audition!"
I was still being ignored. So Obese Twoleg ran over with rat spray in his hands.
"Oh my StarClan! I'm am not a rat! I am a beautiful, wonderful singer!"
"That rabid thing is meowing!" Obsese Twoleg shouted.
"SHUTUP!" I screamed....then I started singing. "Popular! You're gonna be popular! I'll teach you the proper ploys....when you talk to boys - "
"Someone! You're singing "Popular" by Wicked! It has nothing to do with Annie!" Bob shouted.
I quickly stopped singing. "Oh. Um. Sorry...."
"Wait!" George said. "Pitof, listen. That.....that's the most...."
"The most beautiful rat meow I've ever heard in my life," Pitof said, with tears in his eyes.
"We have to hire her for our production of Annie!"
Pitof grabbed his tie and wiped his teardrops on it. "I was just thinking the same thing, George. I was just thinking the same thing. Rat-creature, would you like to be in Annie?
I nodded excitedly.
"Then it's settled! The rat will be Annie! Be sure to tell everyone, George!"
George took a megaphone and put it up to his lips. "Attention, everyone! All auditions for the lead role of Annie have been cancelled because a rat got the part!"
Surprisingly, everyone took that well, and left.
Pitof took me and placed me on his shoulder.
"Oh, rat, this will be the beginning of a beautiful partnership."
I was so proud I fulfilled my dream, I didn't even care if Pitof/Obese Twoleg called me a rat.
If I was going to be Rat-Annie, I was going to be the best Rat-Annie there ever was!


Chapter 10: Darkheart POV

My eyes were wide.
I was scared stiff. I couldn't even move.
A twoleg was standing over me!
This twoleg had apparently come looking for his "mirror" and "razor", which I had stolen. He was glaring down at me.
"Hey, Darkheart, can you - "
The twoleg glanced at Wovenfur, who had just walked up. His eyes widened when he saw her furlessness.
"Why would a cat steal my mirror and razor.....unless....."
The twoleg grabbed me and Wovenfur by the scruffs of our necks. While Wovenfur was freaking out, I was not.
"Calm down, Wovenfur! He is obviously going to take me to Avril Lavigne so I can do her hair!"
This made Wovenfur struggle more.
After the twoleg set us down in his nest, Wovenfur was running around like crazy. The twoleg had grabbed multiple things with numbers on them and started talking into them. After about twenty minutes, he walked over to me.
"Little cat, why don't you give me a haircut?"
I was smiling on the inside.


"This is magnificent!"
"Who knew cats could hold scissors?"
"I want layers like that! My hairdresser can't even do that!"
After snipping away at the twoleg's hair with what the others called "scissors" I had finally achieved giving him fluffy, voluminous, luscious hair. I had also dyed it black.
Many twolegs were around me, taking pictures with their "phones". One oddly-dressed twoleg had a large "video camera", as some had called it, and a lady was speaking into it while she held a "microphone".
"Yes, this is the first cat to ever give a human a haircut and do a remarkable job! Cat-stylists are soon to be all the rage for sure!"
The male twoleg looked in the mirror and gave himself a thumbs-up. The other twolegs ran over to me and held me up in the air.
"Cat-stylists, cat-stylists, cat-stylists!" They chanted.
"Good kitty." The twoleg who's hair I had cut petted me. "You're gonna become famous."
I knew something was bound to happen if I dreamed big.


Chapter 11: Celestialpaw POV

"Five, and six, and sev-uhn.....eight!"
Alice strutted down the make-shift runway I'd made out of twigs. I'd made her a purple suede minidress and leather ankle boots. With her paw on her hip, she pulled off the outfit like nobody's business.
"Work it, girl!"
After she was done, she got out of the outfit and gave it to me. I then proceeded to follow my own instructions and "work it".
"Good job, Celestialpaw!"
After about ten more minutes of modeling, I decided to do just one more walk. After I got to the end of the runway, I was surprised to see two twolegs walk by.
"Daddy! Daddy! Why is that kitty wearing a dress and ankle boots?!"
The older twoleg just stared at me. "I....I....don't know.....but what I do know is it has amazing posture!"
"Daddy, you should use it as the model for Designs for Kitty!"
The large twoleg gasped. "You're so right, son. This cat has the perfect form and the outfit is tailored perfectly for its body shape....why, if I didn't know better, I would say that this cat made it itself!"
I purred in agreement.
"Kitty, how would you like to model and design for my latest up-and-coming cat-clothing brand, Designs for Kitty?
I glanced at Alice, who was nodding - a signal that I should go ahead and do it.
"Meow."
"I'll take that as a yes!" The twoleg picked me up with great care, then carried me away. His son was clapping his hands with glee.
What did I tell WindClan? Great things happen to big dreamers!


Chapter 12: Fishtail POV

"He's coming!"
To my amazement, Falcongaze had gotten a twoleg food critic to taste-test my Chinese noodles!
"He only gives five stars to the best of the best. You'd better leave out the anti-wrinkle cream!"
I sighed, knowing that could be well-near impossible. "I'll try."
"There he is!"
The twoleg walked over to me, eyeing me with through his glasses. He sat down on a log and looked like he was about to rip me apart. I carefully walked over to him and set my teriyaki down on his lap. He pulled out a silver pointy thingy, then ate the teriyaki with it.
"Hmmm....."
I looked up. The twoleg smiled.
"It's very good, yet I detect a slight hint of...."
Oh no.
"Anti....anti-wrinkle cream?"
I nodded as I stared down at my paws. "Yes."
I braced myself for shouting, but instead I heard laughing.
"Brilliant! I've been looking for someone brave enough to experiment with new flavors! Kitten, I would love for you to open a restaurant based on these anti-wrinkled teriyaki noodles! Are you up for it?"
"Yes!"
"Wonderful, simply wonderful. I have just the team to make this a reality for you. What would you like your restaurant to be called?"
I was bursting with happiness on the inside. "His Mother Named Him Fishtail of RiverClan and This is His Chinese Awesomesauce Restaurant of Awesome Epicness."
I knew that something magnificent like this would happen if I just dreamed big!


The End!

I've finished this story! If you liked it, then check out my others (though I don't have any other humor ones yet....) at SweetSacrifice13. Go ahead, click on it!

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