Chapter 1 - iPhones and N00BS
So, after all this hijacking of stories and personality twists and bananas floating in space, Jayfeather decided that he would find a cure for the flying badgers.
"I sure hope no one says any more metaphors that have to do with stuff flying."
"SHREWPAW, I WILL GIVE YOU YOUR TASKS. BE PATIENT."
That was Brambleclaw.
"SURE. WHEN BADGERS FLY."
Jayfeather sank his long claws into the ground and took out his cellphone.
He opened it, and texted to Hollyleaf and Lionblaze:
Hollyleaf's iPhone 4S buzzed. "WAIT A MINUTE. I NEED A MINUTE. GIVE ME A MINUTE." She unlocked her phone, and read Jayfeather's text.
She texted back:
When Lionblaze got Jayfeather's text, he responded:
Hollyleaf also got Lionblaze's text and was very annoyed that both her brothers could not use proper grammar. So she pestered Firestar to make it part of the warrior code.
And that was the day unicorns ate cheese.
Shrewpaw and Brambleclaw went into the forest on a patrol and found a herd of unicorns eating brie at the top of the ravine.
"I WANT. NOW." Brambleclaw joined them happily.
Shrewpaw did too. And everyone was happy.
Until Firestar checked his e-mail.
Chapter 2 - EMAIL TIEM 8D
"I just don't understand all this chatspeak," Zaffie said, reappearing in the story. "Hi, Shrewpaw. Got anything to do yet?"
Shrewpaw curled in a corner shivering and crying. He shook his head sadly at Zaffie's question.
"Aw, too bad. Now, where are those mangy prophecy cats? I have a bone to pick with Dovepaw." Zaffie galumphed over the hill with a magical pony and some brie, because she liked to nom on it.
Maple lazed around on a lawn chair with her laptop. "SHE'S OVER THERE. THE ONE WITH THE FLUFFY GINGER TAIL."
Dovepaw was sitting there with a large bottle of hair, er, fur dye next to her. "Shhhhhhhh. Don't tell anyone."
"OHHHHH ZAFFFIE...." Maple began, and spammed Zaffie with 25 emails.
Unfortunately, she also hit Firestar in the spam wave. And the rest of ThunderClan.
She put her email status to anonymous, and thought they could have fun. BI ThunderClan got into a huge brawl, and finally decided that Onestar was to blame.
Onestar had a computer that was 27322637236 years older than life itself. So it was very slow. And it made no sense.
Lionblaze read the email, and wrote back:
Maple was very shocked to recieve this reply so she got on her pony and rode to MagicClan. 8D
Zaffie followed Maplefern in confusion. "You know, Maple, this is very strange," she observed observantly. "I mean, how did Onestar get that computer? Do you think the Erins use it for his magical once per month personality changes?"
Onestar ran out of a bush screaming and being chased by turkeys. Maplefern nodded wisely as she watched.
"Emailing," she told Zaffie. "Busy. Leave a message after the yowl."
Maplefern counted the number of Rs in her email, then, satisfied, sent it to Lionblaze. "Run, Zaffeh!" she yowled
"The yowl!" Zaffie exclaimed. "My message for Maplefern is that this Hedgehogs story is remarkably... -"
Zaffie was cut off suddenly as Lionblaze captured her and decided to maul her to pieces.
"NOOOOOOO ZAFFFFFIEEEEE!" Maple used her super epic author skills to revive Zaffie and make a tree fall on Lionblaze. YAY.
Lionblaze then began spamming from StarClan. Spottedleaf was not amused, so Firestar beat him up for her.
By the time Lionblaze had advertised 187326547283912 different resturaunts, and sent 275839263278901282984624523746526 different emails, he sent one last email:
Chapter 3 - Coffee time
"Coffee is a brown drink that smells foul. Old people like to drink it, which is probably why they're all so weird. Most cats don't drink coffee... but the Clan cats are not like most cats. Especially not Lionblaze, who has..."
*Lionblaze zooms past in a shower of sparkles*
"...MAD SKILLZ! Welcome back to The Flying Hedgehogs Series! My name is ZAFFIE, and I will be your host today! To begin with, we have the ultimate bike-riding fiend, Yellowfang! Put your hands together, folks. Now, Yellowfang will be riding a bike, if you hadn't guessed already. Go ahead, Yellowfang! Show us your skillz!"
Yellowfang charged across the stage screaming and being chased blarge four-wheeled bicycle. Zaffie looked downcast.
"And... that appears to be it from Yellowfang, guys. Maybe we'll see some more tricks later. Over to my co-host, the one, the only, not Steve, not Katniss, iiiiiiiiiiit's MAPLEFERN! And the crowd goes wild."
Maple looked Zaffie up and down with big eyes. "What is this? A TV show?"
Zaffie puts on a hugely wild grin. "No, you silly," she says. "It's a TV show!!!!! And it's your turn to commentate, so get up there!" She shoved a microphone at Maple cheerfully, bonking her in the nose.
"Okay then..." Maple pauses. "Hi, I'm MAPLE. And I'm your, uh, co-host. Today on the show we have..."
Spottedleaf madly dashes in with a piece of paper with something written on it and hands it to her. Zaffie and Maple read the paper.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN MISTYSTAR ISN'T DOING THE INTERVIEW." Zaffie yelled. "MISTYSTAR HAS TO DO THE INTERVIEW."
Maple patted her on the back. "It's okay, we'll do an interview with the author of 738 Ways to Kill Firestar...and Then Some, MOUSEFURRRRRRRRRR! AND THE CROWD GOES EVEN MORE WILD." ;D
"Urgh, no, not Mousefur," yelled the crowd. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Zaffie did not look impressed. "Someone get Spottedleaf back up here," she mutters. "Tell her we need someone cool to do the interview."
"I can do it!" yowled Jayfeather. "I'm the coolest cat around! I'm too cool for school!"
"Correction, Jayfeather," Maple intervened. "You're the grumpiest cat around, not the coolest. AND DON'T EVEN COME NEAR HERE FIRESTAR. Anyway, we need someone awesome. Know of any awesome canon warrior cats 'round here?"
"Hmmmm...." Zaffie paused. "Hawkfrost?"
HAWKFROST?! DUN DUN DUN.
Unfortunately, before Hawkfrost could arrive, Maple and Zaffie decided to take a journey. And, to stay true to the Warriors theme, they decided to take all the journeying cats with them.
"This is unfair," Feathertail complained, as Crowfeather stared at her creepily. "I was having a great time in StarClan - hanging with Mum, watching episodes of Castle..."
"I can't believe you didn't miss me!" Stormfur howled miserably. Maplefern comforted him, because he's frankly fairly awesome.
"Ooh, Castle!" Zaffie grinned. "My favourite character is Beckett. Only I don't like her high heels."
Feathertail looked shocked. She opened her mouth to reply when from out of nowhere came.......
"GREAT STARCLAN!" yowled Zaffie. "IS THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS?"
Goosefeather, fully dressed in a tuxedo, came tap dancing in, cheesy music attached. "WHAT THE @#$%?" screamed Maple.
"MAPLE. LANGUAGE!" Zaffie scolded.
Maple rolled her eyes. "Moving right along, where the heck are we going?"
Feathertail blanked out. "To a place beyond the hills, where no pussy has gone before, without the brave...drumroll please...PURDY!"
Chapter 4 - ZOMG Is That An Elephant?
"ZOMG IS THAT AN ELEPHANT?" Zaffie asked, pointing towards the distant hills.
"Wait, so you're saying we have to do this journey without Purdy?" Brambleclaw asked quietly.
"Thank goodness," Squirrelflight purred. "That mousebrain is a total loser. Anyway, Brambleclaw..." she wiggled her eyebrows at him, and tried to cosy up close.
Brambleclaw was having none of it. "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, go away, no. Just because we have been teleported on another journey does not mean our feelings are back to scratch. No. No. Just no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no."
"Really? Twenty nos?" Squirrelflight asked disbelivingly.
Brambleclaw shrugged. "Yes."
"YES? YES!" she squeed, and snuggled him.
"Oh @#$*!" muttered Brambleclaw.
"LANGUAGE, Brambleclaw!" scolded Zaffie.
When the cats settled down for the evening, they saw a small silhouette in the distance. "That is a very familiar shape..."
Zaffie narrowed her eyes. "I wonder who that could be..."
Maple's eyes widened. "It's no elephant Zaffie."
Zaffie glared at Maple. "Who is it, then?"
"I'm boreddddddd." whined a familiar voice.
End of Book 5. Continued at Oh, Shrewpaw....