Fatail's First Hunt


I am soo sorry. This is written by my brother. I am waaay to "mature" to write something like this. Forgive me if this makes your eyes bleed or devastates your thoughts on Warriors forever. No one deserves that. Oh well.

Fattail's Adventures

By Rainy's Bro

LazyClan Allegiances

As seen through the eyes of Fattail.
Awesome Cat: Fattail I look like myself and if you haven't seen me I feel sorry for you.
Others: bunch of worthless cats I don't like

Chapter One

"Ok, well, I'm a warrior in LazyClan." "Let me tell you it's no walk in the park and let me tell you why." "Well, I guess because we don't live near a park, and don't walk that far, and I'm asleep right now. Till you woke me up. How do you feel about yourself?" "So I'm a warrior now. All that means is I get a better name and more work." "That's rabbit dung because I'm getting older and I want to enjoy life and not hunt for others." "That's all garbage from twolegs because I think the younger cats who do nothing should hunt for me. " "They need to stop being so LAZY and move their butts so I can eat." "They should wake up and know they are feeding a greater calling." "But of course that's not how it goes. We as warriors need to go into battle and fight for the losers that can't and defend our clan." "We also need to hunt for worthless elders that we love(kinda) and queens that can't hunt or are too lazy to." "Sounds pretty hard right? Our leader Cometstar works us to death and we only get 14 hours of sleep!!!" "Anyway, at least I have an old chum that I talk to named Ratfur. All right, our mothers dont know how to name their kits. Which they should know because they learn it in How to be an Ugly Mother Cat That Gripes and Bosses School. My own mother has a doctorate from there." "Here is what they learn. Number one : not to let kits out from the den, also know as deprivation from the outdoors and not letting kits explore and learn about their home." "Number two, don't let kits eat meat, aka starving kits from their real food and feeding them thin unnutritous liquid that only tastes good beacuse there's poision in it." "Anyway there are others but I'm not going to mention them." "In our clan we have warriors (cats that hunt and work to defend the clan), queens (ugly rude kit machines that think their all that), kits (worthless mouths to feed that do nothing in return),leader (bossy son of a badger that yells orders from his cushy little den), apprentices (cats who are mental and need to be taught the basics), elders (lazy cats who are old and do nothing and expect food)".

"Well, if you're wondering where my adventures come in.... (Wait your lucky you can wonder most people in my clan dont have brains.) "Ok, back to the point. Me and Ratfur have some good adventures. There was when we terrorized the nursey and wreaked havoc among the kits and their mothers but that's all." "Here's why lets just say Ratfur wasn't a cat, he was well, ... A RAT." "That's right and I thought you had a brain you should have figured it out and even if you do have one you don't use it I guess you might as well be a LAZY elder." "Well, thats all for now folks. I'm going to audition for a movie called Tom & Jerry. Hope I get the part so I can ditch these losers and get a real career. Being a warrior sucks. See ya! That is, if I'm not asleep when you come back. Then my eyes would be closed. Wow I am so smart!"

Chapter Two

"Well ok lets just say I didnt get the part of jerry here's why." "Because they are stuck up people that say I have to be a mouse to get the part that is so racist." If only ratfur was alive." "Wait let me rewind REWAINDING Please Stand By........................................ Ok well I rewinded too far and im asleep now and you aren't here so go away.

"Ok well I fastforwarded and well you see when me and Ratfur came to bother the Queens they thought I was bringing them food (the greedy little pigs). "So the murdered Ratfur and gobbled him up." In the end there was two losses and one gain. The losses were that I lost my friend and Ratfur lost his life." "The gain was Well.....the fact that the greedy Queens gained half a pound." "Alright back to the story I was just on a hunting patrol". "Have I metioned hunting patrols ?" "No I havent you should know that." "Well here's what they are they are when good cats like me go out and hunt for the other worthless clans cats." "The worst part is you have to W-WW-W I cant bring my self to say **** . " Ok here I go again you have to WALK." "Now my lips are cursed." "Its all your worthless fault." " Anyway being an amazing hunter I caught a Rabbit one of the greatest types of prey!" But did I get to eat my catch?" Nooo because the stupid leader gave it too those stupid elders(pigs)." " Ok well do you know what a dog is? " "Thats right you dont because your too simple minded too know such advanced things." " Dogs go through metamorphiss heres what that is." When a dog is born it is called a poopy well because it will soon experince what using the bathroom is then it will greedily search for milk (greedy fatso)." "Then it will grow bigger and just eat more." "By the time it is a year old it will look like a ugly dirty monster and will only eat more and more." "I call them dirty because they are they dont take baths or groom themselves !" " You are probably thinking im just saying this because well I dont like dogs." "HA garbage they are vulgar thats why and how dare your peabrain think that". Im going to go eat because as warriors we go last even if we do the most work." I know its Owl pellets but thats the rules I guess all the worthless people go first ok bye im hungry.

Chapter Three

"Ahhh, that was some good rabbit. And I did NOT steal it from the elders den. Stop accusing people."

"Anyways, now I have to go on a stupid border patrol... so I am hiding in the bushes till they leave. Okay, they're gone. Let me tell you an interesting story about... ME!"

"Excited? You should be. It's about my first hunt. Okay, so the first part of the hunt was horrible. You know why? Cause we had to... W**k, That's right, the W word again. Our leader walked us to death, and when we arrived at the hunting grounds, I was tuckered out, so I went to sleep..."

"And was rudely woken up by my idiot clanmates crowing about their catch. Seriously, what's the point of a hunting patrol? To hunt or the sleep? Exactly, to sleep. Everything in life is about sleeping. Actually, everyting is about me, and I say it's about sleeping so therefore... yeah. So basically the first part was mouse-dung. But then, I saw an actual mouse. It was right by my paws where I was sleeping. So I helpfully yelled, 'Is anyone gonn a catch that?' Unfortunatley, my mouse-brained clanmates did not respond in time, so the mouse ran off. This is an example of the dumbless of mice and the laziness of everyone else but me. No wonder they named this clan LazyClan. If only they'd known that one hardworking, sensitive soul like me would be born into this pack of lumbering badgers."

"Ah well, my life is full of regret. Mostly that I could be napping now, but you interrupted me. Yikes, Sleepyfoot is looking for me. Why didn't they just leave without me? While they pretend to work, I need some rest after all my many shifts on watch. I'm all skin-and-bones now, and it's the whole world's fault. How am I supposed to keep the peace if all I get to eat is one rabbit? And a mouse. And two shrews. And okay, maybe a vole, squirrel, and starling. But still."

"Cometstar is picking the cats to go to the Gathering tonight. That means you walk far, far away to meet more worthless cats so you can talk about how worthless you are."

"Let me tell you about the other clans. There's GrassClan, who pride themselves on being fast and their camoflouging skills. But let's be honest here, though I'll be gentle about it. They're actually a bunch of lumbering badgers that couldn't outrun a turtle, and their breath stinks. See how sensitive I am? I didn't even tell you about their ugly faces and flea-bitten fur. Oops. Oh well, at least you're more informed how and I've put something into your hollow brain."

"Then there's BoulderClan. They pride themselves on... oh who am I kidding, they have no pride. They're just clunky, brick-headed, weasels of cats who do nothing but bully others."

"And last and definetley least, GrayClan. They are named this because they are the dullest, dumbest, wickedest disgrace to cats ever. And they one the world record for being the dumbest clan of cats alive. In the world. That's all. Also, they have BO, their fur is matted, they couldn't catch a spoon, they're ugly, fox-hearted, cowardly, unattractive, and break the warrior code every millisecond."

"Oh fox-dung, I've been chosen to go to the Gathering. I need to grab a nap so I'll have energy to sleep so that I'm well enough to rest before the Gathering, which will enable me to eat before we go. Ciao."

Chapter Four

"The Gathering sucked. We walked and walked and walked... out of the camp, and then we traveld around the world to the Gathering place. I HATE GATHERINGS!!!!"

"All the leaders do is talk about their clans. Hello? What about other clans? What about dolphins and whales and green beans? What about the cruelty of this world? They need to stop discriminating. Us cats have to embrace the world. I'm starting with my soft cozy nest. Zzzz..."


"What in StarClan? Have you been sitting there watching me sleep? STALKER. Just kidding. That reminds me of an episode as an apprentice, when I was learning how to stalk prey. My cruel mentor whipped me till I got it right. It was heartbreaking, me just a young, innocent cat, trying to learn the proper way to hunt for my clan. Even though they were a bunch of uselsess rats. I'm full of love, you see."

"Anyway, my mentor screamed and raged at me even though I was doing it perfectly. Owl pellets! StarClan, what a horrible cat. So I killed him. Just kidding. I sat on him till he gave up. He spent a moon in the medicine cat's den. I don't know what he was doing in there, probably telling the medicine cat how horrible he was to me. But he never apoligized."

"So you're probably thinking I really hurt him, but I didn't. You see, I helped him by squeezing out his emotions... and extra fat. Because you should never keep things bottled up. And if you don't have a bottle... then you're good I guess."

"Anyways, I'm too nice to hurt such ugly, unfortutanate(to everyone they meet), lazy, helpless(no help to others), butts, so I let him go even though he had wronged me in so many ways. I'm so forgiving. I really am. I am, and if you don't agree, I will kill you so you don't have to live with the guilt of disagreeing with such a noble cat. Besides, I forgave you so many times for waking me up. So you're living proof. Unless you die... or I kill you. By 'I' , I mean one of the many cats who hate you. Really. You're not very lovable, and lucky you came across such a sweet, nice, charming cat. Now get lost because I'm tired after the Gathering."

16 hours later...

"Hi there. Who are you? Oh yeah. By the way, yesterday I forgot one clan. StarClan. They are a bunch of dead cats with no life(haha, cause they're dead) who stalk us and do nothing about our problems, such as mine. My problems are everyone who is not me. Also, they only speak in riddles, which means cats with lower intelligence than me can't understand them. For example, there was a really old one that went 'Fire alone can save our clan'. This obviosly means that all the cats had to go to the underworld where they belong and get burnt. This would help them learn the danger of fire. I am very wise."

Chapter Five

"A word of wisdom to the unwise or just plain nincompoops. Never join a clan. Teamwork was just something invented by someone who wanted everyone else to do their work. It's all mouse-dung, and a technique used by evil sorcerers, otherwise known as Cometstar, who by the way has nine lives and does nothing, but expects us to risk our precious one life in battle."

"Well if I was leader then I would go into battle and save my clan beacuse all the other people fight like dung." "Also I could make Apprentices do more work even though they are mental and need special training." "But Cometstar is stupid and a B*T*H." "Sorry about that word you see... Oh wait you cant see because you wernt there." "Anyway He made me wake up because there other clan cats in our territory." Its stupid Grassclan." '"Heres why they have to invade other people's territory." "Ok Because they are losers that cant hunt and when the manage to they pig out like buffalo(OR PIGS)." "Well at least I wasnt Ok so wait this is in (i). 'Ok so im out on a hunt for.......... haha food you bobcat brain! Why of course im hunting for food. I mean what else would I hunt for. Ok anyhow im off to feed some worthless owl pellet people that need to eat and they do nothing else for the clan. Sounds stupid but I already mentionted them. Ok my hunt was pretty amazing like usual but did I get any of my hard earned kill................................... NO!!! The Queens got it!!! Just because they have kits. Anyhow hear me out.................... You see nurses have kits to feed, but they dont do any work and just eat all there life. Its so wrong and stupid.

Chapter Six

"As a young kit, I have always wanted to be a help to my worthless clan. To feed the utter uselessness. To be a knight in shining armor. See, the thing is I'm already there! I'm just that AWESOME! I'm sorry for making you feel like a loser,but some cats are just better then others. That would be me. And the lesser one would be you. Don't feel too bad. It's a large group." Okay anyhow im just better than you dont worry though. Anyway Im gonna go help feed my ugly clan. You understand right. You see , your just not that important to me. I have better things to do then be seen talking to you. I have a life you know. Okay well im gonna go hunting. ............................................................................................. Im back , BE HAPPY because Im just so great. Well the hunt was terrible. I WAS THE ONLY ONE who caught something. Thats not a surprise though. I killed a nice plump rabbit. The others failed not a suprise either.  You know its hard to try and sustain a whole clan. IM JUST SO GOOD. Everyone loves me even Starclan. Anyways  im very awesome. So , My stupid clan didnt even let me eat what I caught. Stupid Elders. Thats mouse-dung do you see how badly im treated around here. I do all the stinking work and get nothing in return. 

Sequel: Fattail's Adventures 2

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