Talk:Echo in the Darkness/@comment-24143898-20200206030645

Comment as promised I would give you!

SPOILERS

Prologue

I don't have a lot to say about this, but it is short and effective! As Night has stated previously, the first sentence is a great hook for getting readers into the story. I noticed that there was one apostrophe missing (should be written as StarClan's) but otherwise have little else to comment.

Chapter One

I feel like Owlshine is going to become a more important character later on. I found his response to Echopaw catching the squirrel he was going after to be rather odd, so I have my suspicions about him. I would like to see some more character development from him later on!

Again, I don't have a lot to say about this chapter, as it is rather short - maybe in time this could be lengthened? I also noticed that 'thank you' should be two words rather than one.

Chapter Two (so far)

I feel like there could be a little more information around the Twolegs capturing Thrushpaw and Voletail. I like how the cats respond to this, but what did Branchtail and Willowear actually do? Did they try to fight the Twolegs to get their Clanmates back, or was it so quick that they couldn't do anything? Regardless, I feel like you have conveyed some of the distress the cats felt when their Clanmates got captured by Twolegs well. Echopaw not being able to sleep afterwads really showed this!

I hope we get to find out a little more about Poppyshine as well, although I imagine we won't be seeing a lot of her. I am guessing she died when Echo and Thrush were kits?

Again, I noticed a few missing apostrophes in this chapter, so you may need to check for those.

Overall

I really want to see some more Echopaw development! I haven't really had enough time yet to see who she really is as a character. What does she look like? How old is she? I want to find out a little bit about her and her personality, and at the moment there's not much I've been able to gather from this.

This is a very good first fanfiction, Yellow! If you want another comment later on, feel free to let me know :) I'm sorry if I came across as harsh, but I'm just trying to give you some good advice to help you :) It's certainly going well, and you didn't lose my interest, good job!

END SPOILERS