Pain

Song is Pain by Three Days Grace (This is also posted on fanfiction.net under the username WolfWarriorz. YES THAT'S ME.) About Crowfeather.

Pain, without love

Pain, can't get enough

Pain, I like it rough,

'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all...

Leafpool...She was my second love, and we have kits now, kits I never knew about. After losing Feathertail, I became numb to the world, to every cat near me. I will not do that again. Nothingness is worse than the pain I suffer, every day. Nightcloud is nice enough, but I will never love her like I love Leafpool. I am ashamed I never realized how much Hollyleaf looked like me before she died. Jayfeather, too, though his fur is lighter than mine. He is the medicine cat now, taking after his mother. It seems as if happiness isn't in the path laid out for me.

You're sick of feeling numb

You're not the only one

I'll take you by the hand

And I'll show you a world that you can understand

This life is filled with hurt

When happiness doesn't work

Trust me and take my hand,

When the lights go out, you'll understand...

Deep down, I know that Leafpool may feel the same way I do, but she obviously felt more for her Clan than for me. I can't justly blame her for that, but without an object to direct my pain towards, it will envelope me completely. Yet I love her. Still. With all my heart. Why does this plague me so? I made the journey to sun-drown place, I helped lead the Clans to the lake! I'd been a loyal warrior, and yet StarClan wanted me to fall in love first with Feathertail, a RiverClan warrior, and then Leafpool, a ThunderClan cat? Not to mention, a medicine cat! Why do I deserve this?

Pain, without love

Pain, can't get enough

Pain, I like it rough,

'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

<p style="text-align: center; ">Pain, without love

<p style="text-align: center; ">Pain, can't get enough

<p style="text-align: center; ">Pain, I like it rough,

<p style="text-align: center; ">'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

I wonder if she hates me. Its not like she doesn't have reason to; I took Nightcloud as a mate, and I was almost...evil to her about Lionblaze, Jayfeather, and Hollyleaf. not to mention being so standoffish to her since...The badger attack. When she left me. Now the flashbacks are coming: The grief in her eyes when Cinderpelt died, her indecision to go with him, away from her Clans, and then the happiness in her eyes when Spottedleaf had told her to follow her heart. Those quiet nights, just the two of them, sprawled under the stars and the bright moon. I miss those days so much, it's like a constant ache inside me.

<p style="text-align: center; ">Anger and agony

<p style="text-align: center; ">Are better than misery

<p style="text-align: center; ">Trust me I've got a plan

<p style="text-align: center; ">When the lights go off you will understand

                                                                 Pain, without love

<p style="text-align: center; ">Pain, I can't get enough

<p style="text-align: center; ">Pain, I like it rough

<p style="text-align: center; ">'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

<p style="text-align: center; ">Pain, without love

<p style="text-align: center; ">Pain, I can't get enough

<p style="text-align: center; ">Pain, I like it rough

<p style="text-align: center; ">'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing

<p style="text-align: center; ">Rather feel pain

When I think about Leafpool, my heart still flutters in a mad beat, and I long to be with her. How can I feel this way and yet have a mate and kits at the same time? Does that make me...bad?I took Nightcloud as a mate because I wanted to have my Clan trust me again; I never thought Breezepelt would come along. I don't understand what to do anymore, or even what to feel. Except that all I feel is pain. But it is better than the terrible numbness after Feathertail. Anything is better than that.

<p style="text-align: center; ">I know (I know I know I know I know)

<p style="text-align: center; ">That you're wounded

<p style="text-align: center; ">You know (You know you know you know you know)

<p style="text-align: center; ">That I'm here to save you

<p style="text-align: center; ">You know (You know you know you know you know)

<p style="text-align: center; ">I'm always here for you

<p style="text-align: center; ">I know (I know I know I know I know)

<p style="text-align: center; ">That you'll thank me later

<p style="text-align: center; ">Pain, without love

<p style="text-align: center; ">Pain, can't get enough

<p style="text-align: center; ">Pain, I like it rough

<p style="text-align: center; ">'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

<p style="text-align: center; ">Pain, without love

<p style="text-align: center; ">Pain, I can't get enough

<p style="text-align: center; ">Pain, I like it rough

<p style="text-align: center; ">'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

<p style="text-align: center; ">Pain, without love

<p style="text-align: center; ">Pain, I can't get enough

<p style="text-align: center; ">Pain, I like it rough

<p style="text-align: center; ">'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

But I will not give in to tempting thoughts of ending my miserable life. Leafpool is still alive, even if she is depressed, and until the day she joins StarClan, I will stay with her at the lake, even if we can't truly be together. But I will survive, I will stay alive. I will not leave her. Half a life may be better than none at all. If nothing else, at least I can feel pain. Pain for this life I have.

<p style="text-align: center; ">Rather feel pain than nothing at all

<p style="text-align: center; ">Rather feel pain