Talk:Two Birds/@comment-25630395-20170628201759

commenting contest- tier one

SPOILERS

I've already commented on the prologe a while ago, so I'll do chapters 1-6

CHAPTER ONE

Quick grammar things- pretty sure 'the spot' in the second sentence is a typo. And it's 'jab', not 'jib'.

I really love this! You give excellent exposition- now I understand their personalites and their relationships with the kits around them. Creekkit seems meek and insecure, and he I feel like he lives in Talonkit's shadow. I wonder how much of his 'no one likes me' mentality is true, and how much of it is paranoia?

My only complaint here would be you did a lot of telling, not showing, in the first few paragraphs. I suppose their adjustment wasn't a crazy important part of the story but I wouldn've liked to see it. The information felt a bit spoon-fed, but you only did it for a few paragraphs so that's fine.

I love Creekkit- my heart really goes out to him. Please let him be okay <3

CHAPTER TWO

So we get both povs. That's interesting, I think I'm really going to enjoy reading through Talonkit's perspective.

Oh, wow... that was intense and ''amazing. ''I literally don't know if I should trust Talonkit's narration... she seems to be the paranoid one. Is something really wrong with Creekkit, or is it just her? I'm so curious to know!

I wonder why Talonkit doesn't sleep beside her brother. It reminds me a bit of Crookedkit and Oakkkit, if you've read Crookedstar's Promise XD.

I love how you showed Talonkit's dual nature- she genuinely seems to want to do the best for her brother, but seems to end up hurting others in the process. She's a truly fascinating character- I look forward to seeing her develop evern more.

CHAPTER THREE

You said "worred" instead of worried, and "his paws began to slid" instead of "his paws began to slide." Also, 'jolily' is not a word.

You described Creekpaw's terror really well- and I adored how you described the dog as well. I thought it was clever to describe the tail as a 'snake thing'. I'm a bit confused about Creekpaw's heroics... what exactly did he do?

His encounter with Talonpaw seems ominous. I think she's angry he doesn't need her anymore, or possibly jealous he's the one in the spotlight.

CHAPTER FOUR

This was a brilliant chapter. Your descriptions are amazing and I could feel Talonpaw's inner struggle- there is something so deeply wrong with her her crazy thoughts didn't seem the slightest bit far-fetched. The descriptions were a bit gory but I didn't care, it really added to the horror and disgust of what Talonpaw was doing.

I was a bit confused by how quickly she was able to justify her actions with 'it's for the best', seeing as she was extremely upset during it. That twist was also crazy- I have to read this rest now I'm so anxious for what comes next!

(ch. 5-6 in next comment, this is becoming extremely lengthy)