Talk:Black Light/@comment-11493954-20140130041458

Here to comment, and judge! I added some categories, because I'm a bit OCD over that, and there weren't any. :P

Anyways, I think this story is very good, especially given that you are a new-ish writer here! Just, I feel like some of the parts were rushed, and the chapters were very short. I sugggest you elaborate more on Blackkit, Dawnkit, and Hawkkit. It was a little bit sudden that Dawnkit liked Hawkkit, and that they became apprentices that soon. Another great spot for elaboration would be when Blackkit dies. It skips a little tooquickly to the vigil, and hat would make for an epic battle. Also, Hawkfire turning evil could be hinted a little more throught the story, and about Dawnflame having an almost ice heart. I thought she was a pretty happy/cheerful/loving cat to begin with, and was a little confused.

This story has great potential! The basic idea is good, and I like that you throw in the little bits with Dawnflame's heart. That could possibly be a beautiful touch/second plot to this. However, I think you really should elaborate more. Also, occasionally, I caught errors such as this (""Oh yeah, them." Dawnpaw meowed.a") where the sentence would leave off, and it would look like you meant to say something more but forgot.

It's great! For the judging, I give it a 12/20, because whlie  I like the plot idea, I think some more details could be added, some sentences could be clarified, and there were quite a few errors.


 * ) Good job!