Talk:Wrath/@comment-17759525-20150817010515

(competition post)

SPOILERS

…Interesting poem. Also, slightly creepy. But I’m guessing that’s the point…? *crosses fingers* XD

An interesting premise, as well. An alternate timeline, I assume…? From the main series, that is. Huh. This could be really interesting, if you do it right :)

CHAPTER ONE

(Interesting title here…)

Wow, he’s ruthless. You’ve really captured his personality there…! Poor kits… poor Clan, actually. Poor everyone. (Poor life.)

You have exceptionally chilling descriptions, and we as the readers can really feel the hatred that the speaker has for Brokenstar. And of course they’re all going to obey him – what else are they supposed to do? He’d kill them if they disobeyed, but they’re sure to die eventually, even if they fight as he wishes. There’s really no good way out of this.

I have the vague feeling that Brokenstar somehow managed to do something to Tansypaw. But still, poor Volepaw…! S/he (it’s not really clear yet) seems so frightened of what Brokenstar is making them all do, but again, they have no choice but to comply…

CHAPTER TWO

These first two sentences… oh my gosh, I think they contain the entire ambiance of the whole story so far! Very, very well done.

And Tansypaw’s ghost…! Oh, gosh, this scene is perfect. Tansypaw already seems like a very wise cat; it’s too bad she couldn’t have lived longer to help strengthen the other cats, though of course it’s good in a lot of ways that she did die quickly and painlessly. All the same, though, she seems to understand that no one should have to stay in the world that she left behind.

Will Volepaw actually leave, I wonder…?

CHAPTER THREE

(I’m guessing this chapter isn’t quite done yet…?)

Another incredibly well-written poetic section thing. (Whatever you want to call it.) “It yearns to fly!” Just like Volepaw, and all of the other oppressed apprentices. (That’s a mouthful.) Very good imagery. You really are a good writer.

There’s not really a whole lot for me to comment on in this chapter, so I’ll just break off here. Very well done, and I’ll be looking out for more :)

END SPOILERS