Talk:Mapleshade's revenge/@comment-4751506-20140126163011

This is really great so far!

I love how inquisitive you've made Maplekit - she sounds like a genuine child, like she could really be a kit in ThunderClan. A lot of other fanfictions make their kits either too kit-like or more towards the apprentice edge, but you've got it just right. I also love the names as well; they sound like feasible Clan names and not totally out-there. My favorite part was probably when Maplekit was exploring the camp. You gave us a pretty detailed description of the ThunderClan camp without blatantly telling us - you showed us, through Maplekit's eyes. Most readers here have experience with ThunderClan territory from the books, but you were able to accurately recount it from a kit's point of view and it sounds really great.

I noticed one mistake - after Lilacheart's kitting, you mentioned that 'Mapleshade was obviously her favorite.' It would make more sense to write 'Maplekit was obviously her favorite,' but if writing Mapleshade was your intent, it is still understandable. :) And when the dawn patrol enters the camp, they probably look contemptuous - or else their faces are filled with contempt. Contempt is the noun and contemptuous the adjective. Birdstar also called her Mapleshade when Maplekit came down from the Highrock - I'm not sure if you meant that or not, but I just wanted to point it out!

You have a ton of potential. I look forward to the rest of this fanfiction and any more you might make! :)

< / spoilers >