Warrior Cats Smoof In: The Epic Scavenger Hunt of Disturbing Things

Leafpool: Hi, and welcome to the first ever, once-in-a-lifetime, annual warriors scavenger hunt!

Minnowtail: Yay, I can finally participate!

Pebblefoot: So can I! No longer can you hold me back with your stupid, unauthorized, yet hilarious misfit illegal activities!

Minnowtail: What unauthorized, stupid, yet hilarious misfit illegal activities?

Pebblefoot: Well, there was that one time with the Twoleg stuff that you got half the Clan sick…

Minnowtail: I DEFY ANYONE TO PROVE I DID THAT!!!!!

Leopardstar: I say you did that.

Minnowtail: So what? (whispers) Firestar is a better leader than Tigerstar ever was!

Leopardstar: (overhears) What?! How dare he be! I will kill him to not only get rid of an idiotic, robotic, either hideously perfect or dangerously insane, tom, ThunderClan leader…

Mousefur: (scribbles something down on a notepad) Can I quote you on that?

Leopardstar: Sure! It would be an honor to have the author of the acclaimed 738 Ways to Completely Kill Firestar and Then Some! quote me on anything!

Mousefur: Thanks! But I’m not the only author!

Leopardstar: Really? Who’s the other one?

Mousefur: All in good time, Leopardstar-san. In the meantime, I believe you were saying something?

Leopardstar: Oh! Right. (clears throat) (takes in deep breath) Not only to do that, but to prove once and for all that killing Firestar will somehow set off a chain reaction of mysterious and completely unrelated events that will somehow manage to resurrect my love! Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Everyone: O_O

Tigerstar: My sweet, sweet, Leopardstar!

Leopardstar: Tigerstar!

Tigerstar: Leopardstar!

Leopardstar: Tigerstar!

Minnowtail: (coughs)

Leopardstar: Oh yes, and I banish you to the Mysterious Beyond for all eternity for even thinking a decent thought about that ginger fool!

Tigerstar: Oh, Leopardstar! (return to sighing each other’s names in ecstasy)

Jayfeather: (whispers) Should we say something?

Leafpool: (still whispering) No, that’s rude.

Squirrelflight: (definitely not whispering) They’ll stop eventually!

--**1 Week Later**--

Squirrelflight: Right?

Leafpool: Oh, for StarClan’s sake, let’s just move on already! We’re going to divide you into two teams!

Whitewing: Don’t you mean equal teams?

Leafpool: I mean what I mean and I say what I say. No, wait, did I mess that up? Wasn’t it supposed to be I mean what I mean, and—no, wait, that’s what I said. So, is it I say what I say and—is that the same thing? Or maybe… (trails off, muttering to self)

Squirrelflight: Oh, for StarClan’s sake, I’ll do it!

Jayfeather: I don’t think so, sister! (shoves) (clears throat) The teams are: Evil and Good.

Squirrelflight: Can we rename them?

Jayfeather: That was an excellent question, Squirrelflight. (pats on head with tail) No. As I was saying, the teams are designed to make this as entertaining as possible for millions of current, past, and future viewers!

Brightheart: What?! Viewers!? I’ve got to get to makeup immediately! (darts off) Hey slave! Hurry up! I need your expertise!

Cloudtail: That’d be me. See you later, Daisy! (nuzzles) (darts off)

Jayfeather: (clears throat loudly) Team evil has Tigerstar, of course…

Tigerstar: Duh!

Jayfeather: Clawface…

Firestar: He’d better be!

Spottedleaf: You said it!

Clawface: (mutters) She-cats!

Jayfeather: Brokenstar…

Tigerstar: My mentor! (falls on knees in utter reverence) (for exactly three seconds)

Jayfeather: Scourge…

Tigerstar: (looks at Scourge warily)

Scourge: (lets slip an evil grin)

Jayfeather: And Squirrelflight!

Squirrelflight, Firestar, Sandstorm, Leafpool, ‘’and no other cats’’: What?!

Squirrelflight: Why?!

Jayfeather: Two last milililililililililisecond requests.

Brambleclaw and Ashfur: (shifty eyes)

Jayfeather: Team good has Firestar.

Firestar: Duh!

Jayfeather: (dead silence)

Firestar: And…?

Everybody: Yes, and…?

Jayfeather: (shifts in seat) Well, there were only two other nominations, and…

Firestar: Oh, who cares? Even if they’re Blackstar and Nightstar—both of whom, by the way, have sworn to eat me alive—there is no way that we can possibly lose, with me at the head!

Jayfeather: Once I read the names, that’s the end of it!

Firestar: Bring it on!

Jayfeather: Okay, but don’t come crying to me, or I will be forced to eat your living brains! (clears throat) Brambleclaw…

Firestar: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…

Squirrelflight: (in stage whisper) He’ll stop eventually, I’m sure of it.

--**1 Week Later**--

Jayfeather: Remind me again why we ever listen to you.

Squirrelflight: Well excuse me!

Firestar: oooooooooo! (gasps for breath)

Sandstorm: (tenderly) (for once) Oh, mouse-brain, why don’t you let Jayfeather read the last name? He’s been waiting a week.

Firestar: (sighs) You’re right. (more brightly) Besides, it can’t be any worse, right?

Sandstorm: And if it is, you can scream for a moon.

Firestar: Thanks, furball. (nuzzles)

Spottedleaf: (gags theatrically)

Firestar: (rolls eyes) Jayfeather?

Jayfeather: (fearfully) Umm, Purdy?

Firestar: Oh, noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…

--**1 Moon Later**--

Jayfeather: (to Sandstorm) You know this one’s all your fault, right?

Sandstorm: Yeah…

Firestar: oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, not Purdy! (gasps for breath)

Sandstorm: Are you—

Spottedleaf: I’ll do that! (shoves Sandstorm out of the way)

Sandstorm: Why you little (leaps on Spottedleaf)

Spottedleaf: DIE, EVIL ONE!!!!!!

Firestar: (is gasping for breath)

Brambleclaw: Hey, Purdy! Long time no see, eh?

Purdy: Me no speekiezee Frencheesie.

Brambleclaw: Uh…

A Voice: That does it!

(flash of lightning)

(big boom)

(Stealthfire and Mosswhisker appear)

Mosswhisker: MOVE ON ALREADY!!!!!!!!!

Stealthfire: Moss, calm down, you’re not rational! (turns to cats) What my friend over here meant to say was—

Mosswhisker: I KNOW WHAT I MEANT TO SAY YOU SCRAWNY MOUSE—BRAIN!!!!! LET ME AT THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!! (struggles futilely)

Stealthfire: Don’t worry, Moss, I’ll do it for you! (keeps away from any cat who hath spake thus far) MOVE ON RIGHT NOW OR ELSE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Berrynose: Or else what?

Stealthfire: Or else… I WILL RELEASE A RABID MOSS AT YOU!!!!!!!! (shoves Mosswhisker in plain view)

Mosswhisker: (foams at mouth)

Cats: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (run away screaming)

Stealthfire: Well, this is awkward.

Mosswhisker: (is foaming at mouth)

Stealthfire: Why do I even talk to you? (walks away, dragging rabid Moss)

Tigerpaw (the cute one): (whispers) Is it gone?

Tawnypelt: I think so, sweetheart.

Tigerpaw (still the cute one): Yuck, gross, Mom! (runs away screaming)

Jayfeather: You know, that is really getting old!

Heavens: (rumble ominously)

Jayfeather: (whimpers)

Firestar: What are we looking for?

Squirrelflight: Whatever you can find!

Firestar: OK! (darts off)

Brambleclaw: Come on, Purdy, let’s go! (begins to dart off)

Purdy: Not so fast, young-un. (walks with excruciating slowness) (in the wrong direction)

Brambleclaw: Noooooooooooooooo! StarClan, wake me up, PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Somebody, anybody, HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (goes completely insane)

Squirrelflight: Wait, how can we tell?

Sandstorm: You have to look at the amount of foam that’s flying from his mouth. See, right now it reaches to his tail. Normally…

Berrynose: (mutters) If you can call it that.

Sandstorm: (ignoring) …it only reaches to his shoulders. See?

Squirrelflight: Oh, now I understand!

Firestar: (from afar) What, no smart remarks?

Squirrelflight: Stealthfire stole them all.

Stealthfire: (from heavens) I resent that!

Mosswhisker: (also from heavens) SGWSBHGUYLSALS!

Cats: Uh, what?

Stealthfire: (from heavens) She said “you know it’s true”!

Birchfall: Woah, how’d you know that?

Stealthfire: (still from heavens) Wait till she growls again and I’ll show you!

Mosswhisker: (also still from heavens) GHSUYAFEVDHJFDWVWYFRVHJDGVFW!!

Stealthfire: (still from heavens) Let’s see, was that, “I want a chicken sandwich” or “Let me eat your brains”?

Birchfall: I like the chicken sandwich.

Stealthfire: (pokes head through hole in clouds) Yeah, me too.

Mosswhisker: (once again in heavens) GHSUYAFEVDHJFDWVWYFRVHJDGVFW!!!!!!

Stealthfire: Oh wait, I think that’s “Get a move on or I’ll eat your brains and a chicken sandwich”!

Cats: Oh…

Berrynose: So… now what?

Dustpelt: DANCE PARTY YO!

(the chicken dance starts playing)

Everybody except Moss: I DON’T WANNA BE A CHICKEN, I DON’T WANNA BE A DUCK, SO I SHAKE M Y BUTT-T-T-T-T!

Mosswhisker: Kfrgsfaukdaufkjkuvzjk?

Stealthfire: THAT’S “WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER?”!!! (dances)

Mosswhisker: (casts eyes to heavens) Gfuygtuygyfj+ dsfguyghi? (walks away grumbling)

Firestar: (runs in and dumps huge pile of unrelated things in the middle of the dance floor)

All Cats: Hey!

Squirrelflight: Your stuff’s taking up the dance floor, yo!

Firestar: (pants) But, but—

Mousefur: No buts about it young man! Now you go and remove all this stuff, and I mean all of it, or I’ll convince Stealthfire to unleash that rabid Moss at you!

All Cats: (dramatic gasp)

Firestar: (leaps foot in air) Yes sir whatever you say sir, ma’am! (starts to run)

Tigerstar: Wait!

Firestar: Eeek! (drops all of random stuff and runs away)

Clawface: Hey, nice going, double T!

Tigerstar: Thanks, faceless! (to nameless faceless judges) Here’s our stuff!

Nameless judge whose name happens to be Tallstar: All right then! Looks like—

Purdy: Not so fast, youngun. (limps slowly forward with Brambleclaw)

Tallstar: What do you mean, youngun? I call people youngun!

Purdy: Well, then, I must be older than you, and anyways, I think we won this thing!

All cats: (burst out laughing)

Scourge: But you don’t have anything!

Purdy: Now that, feller, just ain’t true!

Tigerstar: Then show us one thing that you have, just one!

Purdy: Gladly! (shows his one thing)

Team Evil: Aieee! (run away screaming)

Jayfeather: Well, that’s… (coughs) that’s some tick, Purdy.

Brambleclaw: I found it!

Purdy: Dang thing had been bugging me for weeks.

Jayfeather: Well, I think we all know who’s won the hunt this time!

All Cats: Purdy, sure, whatever, just keep that thing away from us!

Judges: The winner is: Team Good, for having someone brave enough to stomach looking at that thing!

Brambleclaw: Yay!

Firestar: Yay!

Purdy: Zzzzz.

Sandstorm and Spottedleaf: (look at Firestar expectantly)

Firestar: Yeah, yeah, I know, I’ve learned my lesson and will never—

Squirrelflight: Dump junk in the middle of the dance floor?

Firestar: I was going for never underestimating ancient kittypets, but sure! Yours works too!

Spottedleaf: Actually…

Sandstorm: We were waiting for you to come rushing toward your lover like the obnoxious stuck-up hero always does in the movies.

Nightstar: We all bet heavily on them!

Firestar: Who’s the favorite?

Cedarheart: Well…

Rowanclaw: Technically, it would be Spottedleaf…

Rippletail: But Sandstorm’s been heavily threatening anyone who bets on her!

Sandstorm: (whistles innocently)

Spottedleaf: Don’t you take that tone with me you—

Sandstorm: Oh, so I’m not allowed to take that tone with you, but you—

Smoky: Ooo, catfight!

All Cats: (gather round) (begin betting and cheering on their favorites)

Mosskit: 5 to 2 on Spottedleaf, do I hear a 96 to 3 on Sandstorm?

Firestar: Yeah, I think I’m just going to go and woah.

(romantic, cheesy, love at first sight type music starts playing)

Mosswhisker: (blinks alluringly)

Firestar: Actually, I was looking at Nightcloud.

Mosswhisker: (pouts)

Stealthfire: Okay, before we can see what becomes of that—

Mosswhisker: And I think we all know we mean Squirrelflight sniffing that tick over there—

Squirrelflight: It looks squishy!

Snowkit: Let’s sing the End of the Show Song!

M & S: (stare)

Snowkit: What?

Stealthfire: Go. Away.

Snowkit: Mommy!!! (runs away sobbing)

Mosswhisker: Oh, just cue the music al@%!&%*&#!!@&*&ready!

Stealthfire: Moss!

Brightheart: While Stealth and Moss argue/fight/rip each others throats out over Moss’s versus Stealth’s use of language…

Mosswhisker: She does it more!

Stealth: Do not! (return to killing each other)

Brightheart: Let’s all sing the End of the Show Song!

This is the end of the show, (finally) In case you didn’t know, But you really should have known by now, This is the end of the show, So let’s all do the chicken dance on the dance floor that was recently uncovered after being covered in all sorts of random and unmentionable objects found by Firestar!

All Apprentices: Ooo, that’s gotta hurt!

Stealth: (wakes up) (realization bubble) It was all a dream!!!!!