Talk:What if Bluestar kept her kits?/@comment-24766822-20151222200000

SPOILERS

As previously said, this is an interesting concept, with a more unusual plot than most fanfictions regarding this subject. Even then, they are few and far between. So, I must first say, nice work writing something a bit more unusual.

There are some issues, though, that I cannot let slip by. :) It lacks important punctuation at times, some of the dialogue seems unrealistic to the characters, and although the pacing wasn't terrible, it might need some improvement. Also, you might want to space out the dialogue as well; parts of it were confusing to read, since I didn't know who was talking at what time. But these are all very easy to fix. :)

Moving on to the story, I like it a lot. Just as a tip, you might want to add some more descriptive words, so we can truly feel this amazing story! ;3

Personally, I found the fight scene to be a bit- unlike ThunderClan. Having two cats fight to a possible death or other unpleasant punishment just isn't something I would imagine them doing, and the reaction afterwards seemed a bit more positive than it should have been. Thistleclaw was a popular warrior, so his death might have had more of a backlash. But then, of course, he did harm Bluefur's kit openly, so that maybe contributed to the nonchalance of the gathered crowd.

How you wrote the kits was adorable! You pretty much mastered Bluefur's personality at many times. I like Mistykit out of all of them, the feisty little girl. :D

(Psst, early on you accidently called her Bluestar.) :P

So, since this story is pretty short, I'll end it there. Nice work, though, I'll be watching this. Furthermore, I will be keeping an eye out for more of your work!

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