Talk:Tuft's Kithood/@comment-26432133-20170406223813

(Contest Comment)



CHAPTER ONE

Hm, my first note is that Tuft sees "red stuff." While I understand that's blood, it feels kinda false, as young people do know what blood is, no matter what age. I think it's instinctive. My only other nitpick is that the chapter could be longer, but this is still pretty good.

CHAPTER TWO

This chapter's a little confusing, and at first it's really hard to see the time skip. I do like how you mentioned his "kithood training", as that connects well to the title. I'd suggest doing less harsh and sudden timeskips. Adding a little bit more of Tuft and Mintly's relationship would've been nice. I also get the feeling that the reader is supposed to sympathize with Tuft because he lost control of himself and killed his girlfriend. I...honestly don't feel that. This chapter did well with expanding Tuft's character to see his change. I really like what I can see of Mintly's personality, her wish to die, and her sadness. It portrays her soft character nicely in contrast with Tuft's harsh cruelty.

CHAPTER THREE

This chapter was very, very confusing. It would be helpful if you could build on Tuft and Pepperstorm's relationship. The timeskipping in the second paragraph had me really confused as to what was going on. Try to go into more detail. And it seems like Pepperstorm was going to be his mate, but then she's killing him?

JUDGING:

This fits the theme pretty well, although the degradation into a villain felt lacking.

The story doesn't blatantly carry any cliches, so kudos to you on that!

Tuft's villainy is...confusing. The second chapter seems to just say "Oh, he's evil because of a voice in his head and his kithood training from his dad."

OVERALL THOUGHTS

The characters could use a bit more fleshing out, and you don't really see what "lesson" Tuft learned. I suggest pushing more of your ideas out of your brain and into the story, as I can see that Tuft's Kithood has a lot of potential. This is a pretty solid job, Holly! :D