Talk:Fate/@comment-5488450-20130908185331

Okay so before I get onto the real story I just had something to suggest for your picture! I'm assuming you made it on paint, and the writing looks like it was done by a mouse[correct me if I'm wrong here]. If you click the blue 'A' on paint you can actually type with the font of your choice, instead of having to hand-write and worry about it being squiggly. Just a tip :)

 SPOILERS

Now, I have a few critiques here and I'll put them first bc y'now-save the best for the last, right :D

*The kits. They don't act like kits at all. In fact, they are too mature for  apprentices  even. So my suggestion would be to either make them less deep and characterized or to make them apprentices, even though that would be very mature for a cat that age as well. Thinking about love and believing in fate and not being meant for other cats isn't something kits should be able to do.

*The story-telling method. At first it was like your usual story, first person perpective, the usual thing, but then, right at the beginning of chapter five you suddenly swaped it to story-telling and constantly adressing the audience. This was a bit unprofessional.

*You changed tense a lot. I’m not even sure which one you were planning to write in-first or third? I recommend just going through and deciding on a tense than adjusting the rest to fit that tense :)

A lot of things I liked to. Sunkit’s relationship with Moonpaw is intresting, the details are satisfying, your word choice is rich and really impressive and it’s an all-round amazing story that I hope you shall continue :)