Talk:Dark Secret/@comment-4751506-20130219021542

I'm going to start by being constructive...so, I noticed you wrote sentences like this often...

"...just meet me by here if you would like." he flicked his tail, and bounded...

Because you ended the quote with the period, the first letter of the next sentence, 'he', should be capitalized. It's not included in the phrase that the quote is in, I guess is what I'm saying. So like, ["Blah," she whispered] would be good, but then I would say, ["Blah." His eyes glazed with pain at her indifference.] See the difference?

Aaaand one more criticism before I get to what I liked. :3 I noticed that Rosekit's older sister was born one moon before her? I know this is fiction, but I'm not sure if that's possible considering how long she-cats are pregnant for and conceiving and all of that technical stuff that no one really wants to get into because it's gross and gross and gross, bleh. I get that they're from different litters, but you said one month apart - I'd understand if it was more, but I dunno...?

[okay, that looked like a lot of criticism and I apologize, but really, technically, it was only two and my first one was me being all technical and stand-offish and rude and meh, so just disregard that, I guess. xD]

I do really love the names - Greenwillow and Nightclaw, and like Wetty said, Sunpelt and Moonpaw compliment each other with 'moon' and 'sun'. It's realy cool, and that's a great twist. I also love Jaystar - Nighty was right, again, he has the perfect amount of evil inside of him, and I really like that. :3

And I absolutely adore the descriptions. I loved how you described Cloudkit for being named as  'a tiny moving cloud,' that gave me such a vivid mental picture and I really liked it. I really liked this, Bird, and I think I'll be keeping an eye on it to see when you update! :)