Talk:Eternal Light/@comment-25630395-20151009030439

hi flame

SPOILERS

First off, this seems like it's got a lot of promise. Spiritpaw seems to have the making of an interesting protagonist, and although we haven't been introduced to the antagonist(s) yet I feel like it might be Woodpaw or Swamppaw. Or maybe Windstinkyface.

The prologue was descriptive and had good imagery, but I feel like the prophecy came suddenly and then the cats had a random discussion over Goldenblossom. The ending was ominous and had good foreshadowing, making us think that perhaps something nasty shall happen to Spirit.

I'm glad you didn't waste time over the fact figuring out the prophecy was about her. It was pretty straightforward, though I wish the introduction had been taken slower. We never got to be introduced to the characters before being thrown into a whirlwind of prophecy-things.

The pace in the story felt really rushed at times, like I needed to slow down myself and figure out what was going on. The antagonism between Wood-Swamp vs. Spirit was built quickly, a bit too quickly in my opinion. We never understood the family dynamics, or understood who Spiritpaw was. And if she's Crystal's littermate, why didn't she become apprentice at the same time?

As far as mechanics are concerned, you did a good job with a few errors that look like typos. The sentences flow well and you have good descriptive language. One error that kept popping up:

"Thanks for the tear in my ear, Killerkit," He boasted.

After the dialogue ends, the next word isn't capitalized unless it's a name, of course. Therefore, this should be:

"Thanks for the tear in my ear, Killerkit," h e boasted.

Also, it's a bit unproffessional to include bolded letters to use emphasis, such as '''emphasis on this. 'It's more sophisticated to do emphasis like this. ''

Another thing that you can improve on is your word choice. Sometimes the words you use aren't appropriate or fitting for what you are trying to describe. e.g,"

"No it's not!" Swampkit cooed.

I'm pretty sure you are trying to make him sound like a bully or a teaser. 'Cooing' is to speak in a soft gentle voice, sometimes used when flattering or- ahem- flirting. It's a more positive/passive word. Before you add in a word, checking the dictionary helpes. I catch myself adding wrong words all the times :)

Overall this is amazing, and I can't wait for more! <3

END OF SPOYLERS N SUCH