Talk:We Can't Stay/@comment-24766822-20150816194216

Competition Post...

SPOILERS

Good god, Brighty, this story made my heart bleed into the grass! Y-y-you... YOU MADE ME CRY! (I'm not one who easily cries, just so you know ;^;)

PROLOGUE

I can already tell that this story is going to be a heart-wrencher, just by the prologue.

This scene was very intense... just the description of the horrific screeches fills my heart with dread of what is to come.

Who doesn't like the name Stormshine, anyways? XD

Even though the characters were just introduced, I can already imagine the pain Stormshine must have been feeling that her only sister is dying. Just after kitting, too... that really must be a horrible way to die.

Very early on this tugged at my heartstrings, when Mistshade made her sister promise to look over her kits. And the death scene was AWESOME! A lot of death scenes are too simple, and others, not simple enough. This was perfectly thought out. Nice work!

Great prologue. Like I said on Fiery's The Beauty System, the start of this story creates the setting and gives us a good hint to what the story will be about.

CHAPTER ONE'

Interesting switch between third and first person. It actually works pretty well in this story.

There are some very complex emotions that Stormshine is displaying. She clearly isn't made of "Queen" material (she's obviously a warrior at heart), and it's understandable that she should feel that her sisters kits are a burden. It must be hard, loving someone, even if they drag you down. It must have been tough for Stormshine, living like that.

I made an RP wiki a long time ago with a brief story where an apprentice thought her mentor was going to die or something like that. Fallowkit's overactive fears kind of reminded me of that scenario.

And thus, Gorsethorn appears! The literate and wise tom, who acts as a confidant and a shoulder to lean on (Yeah, right). HE DOES HAVE CREEPY METAPHORS! YOU ARE SO RIGHT STORMSHINE! I actually quite liked Gorsethorn for a while, until he went bad. But I really, honestly liked Smokewisp a lot more from the very beginning. I had my suspicions about Gorsethorn, though...

CHAPTER TWO

Me to Gorsethorn: What are you, a dictionary?

His literate nature is starting to get on my nerves. HE BUGS ME!

There were some pretty nice descriptions in this chapter, though. I liked this line: ''"The sweet embrace of dreams does not come easily, my dear." Gorsethorn whispers, "The chains that have befallen you must break, before your spirit rises to the nevermore."'' I know I said Gorsethorn's literate nature was getting on my nerves, but I thought this was one of the best lines of Chapter Two. This shorter one was pretty cool too: ''Do I choose my kits, for my sister? Or do I choose Gorsethorn, for my heart?'' Though short, you showed her Inner Turmoil without too many words. Just this sentence alone shows how torn she is.

Oh, sweet Smokewisp. I love him. I just d-do! *Starts tearing up again

Geez, Gorsethorn, the world isn't that cruel. You're not really helping Stormshine's anxiety here.

Bellezza means beautiful in Italian, doesn't it? It's a very pretty word.

The chapters are getting better as they go! It really kept me going!

CHAPTER THREE

Aw, such sweet, cute little kitties. ^o^ Stormshine's kits really are ADORABLE.

But... I don't think cats can blush??? I mean, they're covered in a layer of fur.

I cannot express my love for Smokewisp. Seriously.

Oh no... as soon as I hear about that large patrol of SeaClan warriors, I know they're in for trouble...

No! Not a dead body!

Nice use of a cliffhanger! That really pushed me to keep reading! I couldn't stop!

CHAPTER FOUR

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

NOT FROGKIT D: D: D: D: D: D:

That... just... killed... me... DX

And yet, through the pain, Finchbreeze protected Stormshine's (well, her sister's) kits like they were her own. What a selfless she-cat! I can't imagine what must have been going through Finchbreeze's mind right then. And poor Featherkit...

I really don't care if Redwing was Gorsethorn's sister or not! I'm glad Stormshine killed the murderous scum!

And, of course, Stormshine's emotions become even more complex and muddled after the battle. She could hardly bear it when Gorsethorn mentioned the killing of the she-cat, so she was guilty, afraid, and still burdened! Not to mention tired.

At least she has Gorsethorn's sympathy (Heh. For now).

But I actually have to agree with him on things. The clans are always fighting and killing each other, and Stormshine is being a little overprotective. And yes, she is letting it get to her head. But after all she's been through... her actions are pretty appropriate, don't you think?

CHAPTER FIVE

I sense major foreshadowing here in the conversation with Mistshade.

I can't believe Stormshine doesn't get it when Mistshade says, "You are going to face a task, more difficut than any. A choice will be made, where you will finally prove who you are really loyal to." Or is she just trying to avoid the truth?

Wouldn't a medicine cat be a bit more concerned about a possible prophecy? I mean, Stormshine may be out of sorts, but that doesn't mean she should ignore a valid warning!!!

I'm glad Smokewisp listens to her. (Did I mention I love him? XD) He's a better cat than Gorsethorn, who got worked up when he found out that Stormshine and Smokewisp engaged in conversation! I mean, if Sandstorm said to Dustpelt, "Hey, wanna talk about the lack of prey around here?" Firestar would be like, "YOU STAY AWAY FROM MAH SANDY!" I mean, seriously.

Now, the part with the kits worried me. As soon as Gorsethorn took them out of camp, I was biting my nails for them. Literally.

I DON'T CARE WHAT GORSETHORN SAYS!!! HE WAS SO GOING TO KILL THEM!

I'm so glad Stormshine and Smokewisp stopped him before... *Sniff

Anyway, you actually really messed with my fears right there! This chapter was excellent, perfect for the plot!

CHAPTER SIX

"Gorsethorn would never hurt my kits, I'm sure of that now."

WE MIGHT AS WELL SKIP TO CHAPTER SEVEN RIGHT NOW!!!!

I just can't believe Stormshine is so blind. Well, from what I see, she hasn't slept very well, so... yeah, I guess that makes sense.

I have three words for you. I. HATE. TOADSPOT. But this is actually a believable story. This isn't the first time a tom has drifted after his mate had kits, I believe. But I think the relationships here are a bit like Smoky, Coriander and Daisy, whereas Smoky is Toadstep, Coriander is Violetdusk, and Daisy is poor Mistshade.

The argument with Mistshade was crucial to the plot. Even if Stormshine hardly listened to her, she really was right all along about Gorsethorn... *Sigh* The naiveté of it all.

Another beautiful word... Aurinko, or sun. Nice use of it, too, Brighty!

Ah, I love it when the title appears in the text.

NOOOOOOOO SHE WENT WITH HIM!

Chapter Seven

GORSETHORN! YOU MONSTER! YOU DISGUSTING FIEND OF NATURE! YOU PHSYCOPATH!

I actually saw this coming. :)

The murdered SeaClan warrior was Gorsethorn's sister! What a nice twist in the story!

Ammazzare... *Shivers*

Well, like brother, like sister, huh? Both kit-murderers. Bad blood, if you ask me.

So, basically, he brutally injures his so-called "Love", then goes off to kill her kits. What a piece of fox-dung.

CHAPTER EIGHT

I've always wanted to see a StarClan cat giving life back to a normal cat (other than a leader) in the canon. BUT THAT WAS SOOOO COOL!

Gorsethorn's death was creepy, with him laughing even as blood seeped from his neck... that's just really horrifying. D: But it was another awesome death scene! Double thumbs up!

That face of Gorsethorn is in my head, too...

EPILOGUE

I. LOVE. SMOKEWISP!!!

I'm glad Stormshine is at last rid of that horrible murderous Gorsethorn! (Though, when you look at it, she really isn't. His face is still in her mind).

I can see that these traumatic events really hurt her. Those complex emotions... you write them so well!

The last line, We Can stay, was awesome. Perfect ending.

Now, there were a few grammatical errors and lack of punctuation in some places, and I actually spotted some misspelled words. But those are only minor problems which can be fixed by simple editing. This story really is amazing, and I can tell it took a great deal of work to get it to this point.

I loved this story. And craved it.

END OF SPOILERS

BRIGHTY, THIS IS JUST MAGNIFICENT! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D