Talk:Rise of the Sun/@comment-5342796-20160530144535



chapter 1

Nice job setting up some characters and adding a note of mystery at the end! I wonder why Brightpaw is so overlooked... is it just a case of favoritism, and if so, why? Her family is interesting, I wonder why they moved in the first place. Grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence, I suppose.

chapter 2

There were just a couple grammar mistakes. I wouldn't put in the author's note in between time jumps where you said yes crow & badger are joining the clan. I would either use expository to transition between the two settings, or just use space to differentiate the settings and times and trust the readers to gather what happened.

That said, you did a lot of stuff really well! I love how Gorsepaw cares about his sister and is quick to point out the unfairness of treating her differently; the siblings at least seem really sweet.

chapter 3

Oh man Brightpaw... just led a bunch of dogs into the camp. She makes for a very interesting character, you know. Usually stories focus on all the triumphs and positive things about a main character, so it's cool to have one who screws up a lot and doesn't really know how to fix things quite yet.

I like this story and I'll try to comment/give constructive criticism on the rest as I read! Good job you guys! Collabs are really fun when done right, and you're doing 'em right. Fantastic c:

>SPOILERS<