Talk:On the Wing/@comment-25630395-20161011225129

been meaning to read this for a while but then concussion so now here i am- (spoilers)

firstly, i decided to listen to the album to get a feel for this more! so congrats for that i guess lol. it's a really good song/album to pick, the music has a lot of emotion in it c: so now for the story.

i like this premise- it has a very neat pace and allows us to know the character before she gets thrown into a lot of plot stuff. i feel like lapis is going to be a character the reader needs to empathize with, so it's good you're getting into her emotions.

i know it's quite hard to do this from a first-person point of view, but perhaps you could do more of showing and less telling? most of the descriptions were lapis saying ' i am doing this', while i think you could throw some description and pizzaz into the mix xD. i also wish you'd shown how abusive the environment was instead of just telling us about it, because then we could feel more. however, i'm sure you'll get into that later :D

i'm really curious to read the next one and find out what's happening! i also really want to know why lapis was adopted. you're doing amazing, this is a great concept and story!

end of spoilers