Talk:Berrynose's Death...Part of the Warrior Cats Death by Their Names series/@comment-8248793-20140217004345

SPOILERS

I think this is great so far :) Though I did catch a bit of a mistake. Right at the beginning when Berrynose can out of the den, you wrote: "Sun shone and leaves rustled." I would change it to this: "The sun shone and the leaves rustled.."

Since you kinda want your mistakes pointed out :3 I think I might have caught another one. You wrote "Squirrelflight, Poppyfrost needs her rest bad," I told the ginger deputy. It should be (in my opinion): "Squirrelflight, Poppyfrost needs her rest badly," I told the ginger deputy.

But I seriously love this so far, and your starting to make me like Berrynose :) There's a lot of great descriptions in this story, but I would suggest using stronger words and more vivid descriptions. For example: instead of writing ".... at the same time." you can write ".... they mewed simultaneously." With stronger words, the writing becomes smoother :)

The part where Berrynose had a berry for a nose and he was dying was very confusing, you may want to describe that part more to clear things out.

But overall, this was a great story, and his death was certainly creative :D

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