Talk:Days Until Heartbreak/@comment-17759525-20150904025641

(competition / group post)

SPOILERS INTRODUCTION

(I feel like that first stanza could easily open up into, like, a full-fledged song or something. Also, discreet is a really good word and I love the way it’s shaped.)

This is a great premise. I honestly don’t especially like the name Sweetie for any character, but hey, it’s your story :P (I’ve been getting a few complaints about Hazard’s name, so, to each her own, I suppose XD) But anyways, I like the way that you jump right into it… and how, at the same time, it doesn’t seem especially rushed. It’s a great first few paragraphs :)

Wow, so, there’s obviously, like, some kind of society thing going on, if your main character is some kind of leader. (If this were Even So, she’d be dead XD sorry, sorryyyy…)

All of the repetition with “Love does ____” is really interesting. So… they’re like a she-cat society? But if the title is any indication, someone’s gonna fall in love… >:3

I like Ice! He seems like a lot of the (non-feline) male characters I’ve written for, and his kinda cocky, overconfident attitude is great :3 I love how Sari jumps to the conclusion that he must be a terrible threat just because he’s talking to her, basically XD

You have a bit of human slang in there, having your main character refer to Ice as “freaking hot”. I personally don’t use a lot of slang like that in my stories here, but we’re massively personifying them anyways, so I guess it’s okay?? It just strikes me as a bit odd, is all, but that could just be me being me.

I love this tom! I really do. He’s great; he’s greattt <3 X3

Oooh, I love the last line. I guarantee you, she’s gonna slip reeeal fast.

COMPLICATED

Aaand now the poetic little coded things make a lot more sense. This one, especially, pertains really well to the chapter before it :)

Awww, how cuuute X3 Little Sari’s all weighed down by love.

“Hey, are you alive?” That’s pretty great. We haven’t gotten much of Aura’s personality yet, but she seems like a good character, if a tad sarcastic at times…?

The Dump.

Ohhh!

That’s interesting.

So, committing some sort of undescribed crime is worse than falling in love with a tom??? Man, she’s strict… “Remember Twilight?” No, I don’t. Please tell me more, Sari.

Haaah, haaah. Who’s hitting on who, now~? Especially when she actually *hits* him X3 I support Sarice. It shall be a thing from now on.

Quick note: “You’re the one that brought this upon myself.” The word “myself” is reflexive, meaning that it can only be used when one of the words “I” or “me” appears earlier in the sentence. “You’re the one that brought this upon me” would be better, more grammatically correct, etc. That’s your little grammar moment for the day C:

Missing? Huh. If she’s fallen in love with some tom, moons-knows-who, I’ll be interested to find out how Sari reacts. It’d be pretty hypocritical if she -

She’s a hypocrite.

And gosh, was that chilling…! It kinda reminds me of my whole Hazard/Lash scenario, except in reverse and more vocal. Ugh. The Dump must be a pretty terrifying place.

More about this mysterious Twilight cat. Gahhh, you’re bordering on so many inside things with these cats, and I want to know more! (The suspense; the suspense!!!) That was Aura’s sister??? (Totally didn’t just try to write Aaryi. HA I’M SORRY) I can’t decide if Sari is a sadist or honestly delusioned into thinking that what she’s doing is right.

But gosh, at least her emotions are still intact…! Though I can’t decide if that’s a good thing or not, based on her reaction at the very end of this section.

UGHHH WHY ARE THERE SO MANY WORDS XD

END SPOILERS

I’ll do more later, I promise, but for now, here’s the start of your promised comment C: It’s a great start, I love the story, and Ice is great. (Ash? Brain, what??? His name is Ice. I swear, I can’t think today.)