User:DogwoodFlowers/Funny Stuff

Come and listen as very young thirteen-year-old old and definitely wise Dogfood tells you the true tales of the really, really dumb idiots geniuses she is related to.

Story One: Flying Tents
So, my family owns a supermarket. Every year, they do a Chinese New Year's thing and set up tents outside and sell chrysanthemums, gladiolus(es?), and the uh, yellow flowery branch thingy. And every year, the wind comes and bloooooooowwwwwwws the tents. Last year, the winds were so bad that the tents went freaking flying into the air.

Did they learn from the experience?

No.

Every year, they still have about four people holding the tents down. They couldn't, y'know, find some rocks or buckets of cement. They just have four workers hold it down. Crunch the numbers and you see they're losing 440 bucks because the workers aren't working, they're holding down a tent.

Yes. I am related to geniuses.

Story Two: Shutting off the Radio
A store isn't complete without music to add to the atmosphere, right? Of course, my genius relatives have music for the store! The radio's in a corner, sticking out a bit, so that when someone passes by, they accidentally bump into the radio and shut off the music. And then my relatives complain and bemoan the fact that they have to go through the nuisance of turning it back on again.

For fifteen years, longer than I have been alive, they've done this. My dad walks in one day (these geniuses are on my mom's side of the family), and magically fixes the problem. How? With the power of scooting the radio in two inches!

Fifteen years, I tell you.

See? Geniuses!

Story Three: Lightbulbs and Tape
My youngest uncle and my great-uncle were trying to fix the lightbulb at my grandma's house. They got a replacement, took out the old one, and tried to screw the new one in. Emphasis on tried.

Anyways, two minds think better than one, right? So of course, their two genius brains came up with the idea of taping the lightbulb into place! Because that is definitely how it's done, kids!

Walk into my grandma's house, climb the stairs, and look up. The lightbulb there is smothered in a thick layer of tape.

Their genius remained on that ceiling for a couple months before my grandma called in my dad.

(I think my dad and mom are the only smart cookies in this batch)

Story Four: Expansion
My relatives want to make the store an even bigger business! So what are they thinking? My oldest uncle says that a bigger store = a bigger business! He wanted to shut down the entire store as it got expanded.

Of course, that won't lose your customers at all! They totally won't find a different supermarket to go to and you definitely won't risk them not coming back when you reopen!

Totally. Of course, my mom and my youngest uncle talked him out of it.

Story Five: Flu Shots
My grandpa, (before he died last July), was not very strong health-wise. To protect my grandpa with very weak health from the flu, my oldest uncle decided to get him a flu shot.

Of course, flu shots definitely don't have dead versions of influenza that can still give you the flu!

My grandpa had the flu really bad for a couple weeks after that.

More stories to come as I remember more and as my genius relatives do more!