Jar of Hearts

I remember it all so clearly, so vividly, so accurately that sometimes I find myself purring at him, teasing him, snapping fondly at him. I remember it like the back of my paw. It started when I was a young and naiive apprentice, still bounding after squirrels and vowing to be Clan leader. We met during a harsh leafbare. When I first saw him, I literally froze with amazement and Spottedpaw had to drag me back to camp.

The whole way, I thought of him, and his sleek, groomed tabby fur with its distinctive, bold dark slashes. I thought of his blazing amber eyes and the satisfying ripple of his muscles. I vowed that one day, I would become a better warrior than he, and that I would be the great Goldenstar with him as my loyal mate, Tigerstripe. I decided I would fight harder than the whole of TigerClan and that no cat would see me without quivering in their pelts.

Now, he is the evil Tigerstar and I am the sad Goldenflower, stuck in the nursery, the fire in my belly gone.

''I know I can't take one more step towards you Cause all that's waiting is regret And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore? You lost the love I loved the most''

He's standing there, drenched in blood. Eyes yowling hate at everything he has ever known, everything we went through together. Is this the cat that gazed at me gently on summer sundowns, who brought me prey from the fresh-kill pile every day without fail when I was expecting kits? No, he lied to me. He lied to everyone.

He snarls at Bluestar, and I can feel him staring at me expectantly. Waiting for me to back him up. Just like I did every other time he was wrong. And I see that I have been his shadow for too long now.

"Will you come with me? Dustpelt? Longtail?" his words become blurred as the world turns into a haze.

"Goldenflower?" he mews. I shake my head, my heart wrenched in two.

"I thought you loved me." he accuses simply, not seeming bothered in the least. And what hurts the most is how true his words are, how much he has used me. I do not love this cat. I love the old Tigerclaw.

''I learned to live, half-alive And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are? Runnin' 'round leaving scars Collecting your jar of hearts And tearing love apart''

And now, I know about everything. He took Sasha's heart too, and took her kits into the Clan. Brambleclaw told me everything. I remember that day he asked me to join him, and how surprised he was when I said no. My heart ached and I longed to rush up to him and nuzzle his pelt affectionately, but I know that my path leads away from evil. He kills cats for glory. He killed Redtail. He almost killed Cinderpaw. How could he? He's evil, plain evil.

Then why do I still love him?''

You're gonna catch a cold From the ice inside your soul So don't come back for me Who do you think you are?''

Every night, I can hear his words echoing in my head as I dream. I can feel his amber eyes burning into mine. But they're not fiery any more. They're icy cold, like death. He would kill me without considering it. He would kill Brambleclaw and Hawkfrost and Tawnypelt and Sasha in a heartbeat if it meant power.

Then why do I still love him?''

I hear you're asking all around If I am anywhere to be found I have grown too strong To ever fall back in your paws''

"Go away." I snap at the imaginary Tigerstar as his gaze burns a mark in my heart forever. I can survive without a traitorous villain, thankyou very much.

Just.''

I've learned to live, half-alive Now you want me one more time

Who do you think you are? Runnin' 'round leaving scars Collecting your jar of hearts And tearing love apart''

I'm an elder now, and we're leaving for the new territory soon. It's weird leaving the place I was born. The place I half-grew up, living a half-life under a cat that never loved me.

A cat that I still love.

''You're gonna catch a cold From the ice inside your soul So don't come back for me Who do you think you are?''

Traitor, villain, murderer, user, cheater, evil, hater, killer.

I know all this about him yet he still asks me to join him, every night in my dreams.

''Dear, it took so long Just to feel alright Remember how to put back The light in my eyes''

Tawnykit helped a lot, I remember. My daughter was everything that I was as a kit. Bramblekit was sweet too, but he was too much like Tigerstar. Lookwise. Only Tawnykit went to join her father, didn't she? Still, she put the light back in my eyes. I love her and her brother a lot, even though they're grown up now.''

I wish I had missed The first time that we kissed 'Cause you broke all your promises And now you're back you don't get to get me back''

I know he's still haunting me, but he can't have me. We're on the journey, and every step I take pulls me away from his cold, stiff body.

The body I buried with tearless eyes.

'' Who do you think you are? Runnin' 'round leaving scars Collecting your jar of hearts And tearing love apart''

One day, Sasha will go through this too. That is certain.

'' You're gonna catch a cold From the ice inside your soul So don't come back for me Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are? Runnin' 'round leaving scars Collecting your jar of hearts And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold From the ice inside your soul Don't come back for me Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are? Who do you think you are? Who do you think you are?''