Warriors Word War

Cloudtail (enters arena): Well, hey there, everyone! Welcome to this weeks version of... (DUN DUN DUN) the Warriors Word Battle! Are you ready for the ultimate cuss-off?

Audience: Yes!

Cloudtail: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!!!!

Tigerstar (enters arena): You must be deaf then, kittypet.

Cloudtail: Ooh, that's fighting talk! It's lucky that your tongue's sharp today, because you're definitely going to be needing it!

Tigerstar: What do you mean, crowfood?

Cloudtail: I'm sure you remember an... uh... old friend of yours by the name of Firestar?


 * Tigerstar grits teeth*

Cloudtail: So what do you think of Firestar, then?

Tigerstar: I would relish in the opportunity to precisely describe the feelings of hatred that rage within me whenever I even think of that kittypet, but I suppose this is a family show. And Sasha might be watching.

Cloudtail: Well, you'll be pleased to know... he's in the arena!


 * Audience gasp as Firestar runs in.*

Cloudtail: You know the rules... it's time for a WORD WAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Firestar: Quick, where's Cinderpelt? I can smell that some cat's been sick... uh... whoops, never mind. That's Tigerstar.

Tigerstar: Oh, fox dung! A fat red blob is blocking all the sunlight... oh, whoops. That's just a kittypet called Firestar.

Firestar: You know, Tigerstar, the only good thing about you is, if any cat needs to disguise their scent, they don't have to roll in fox dung any more; all we have to do is hang around you!

Tigerstar: Firestar, I know I've done wrong in the past. To make up for those wrongs, I'll kill you now.

Firestar: How does that work?

Tigerstar: It isn't fair on the world to have to look at your face any longer.

Firestar: You mean, my face is so radiant that it is worthy only of Starclan? I agree. Me killing you would be a bad idea, because then Starclan wouldn't punish the Dark Forest warriors.

Tigerstar: Why wouldn't the scum punish us? Aren't we supposedly the condemned evil of the Forest?

Firestar: They would probably decide that having to see your face was punishment enough.

Tigerstar: You evidently have less brains than a Twoleg. We're both dead anyway.

Firestar: Firstly, you're the one who started the "killing you" thing. Secondly, at least I didn't get killed by a runty rogue.

Tigerstar: Your fur is so pampered, cats can see their reflections in your pelt. That's the only reason you were ever popular with the she-cats.

Firestar: Your fur is so bloody, cats can see their reflections just by looking at you. That's the only reason you were ever popular with the she-cats. And it's only bloody because of the times I beat you up.

Tigerstar: Huh! You're so weak, my kits could have killed you if they wanted. Don't you forget it, kittypet!

Firestar: Oh, so we're talking about kits now, are we? You had... how many? Four kits. One had to cheat to become a medicine cat, another was killed by his brother, another spends his time daydreaming about my daughter, and the last left her clan!

Tigerstar: I swear I heard a Twoleg monster passing... whoops, no, I didn't. It was Firestar's stomach rumbling; he's never been this long without pampering.

Firestar: Oh yeah? I haven't been pampered since I was a kittypet. I'm a warrior now; you're obviously too mousebrained to see that. Guess what? I had the scariest dream ever last night. I had to look at your face for a whole heartbeat. It was agony.

Tigerstar: I cried myself to sleep last night.

Firestar: And you called me a kittypet!

Tigerstar: I'm sure the audience will understand my reason. Thistleclaw told me I looked a bit like Firestar!

Firestar: Was the compliment too much for you to bear? With that face, you can't hear many compliments so generous.

Tigerstar: You think you're so amazing, crowfood? I don't even have to look at you to know you're ugly. I just look at your mate. You know the saying, " A pretty queen isn't free, ugly toms marry ugly moms."

Firestar: Hey, only I am allowed to call Sandstorm beautiful! If queens are as pretty as their mates are handsome, then Sandstorm must be the prettiest queen alive! Of course, I know she is anyway.

Sandstorm *runs through crowd*: Bet you could never say that to my face, furball!

Firestar: Sandstorm, you look so beautiful today. Did you part your fur differently?

Sandstorm *rolls eyes*: You're meant to be word battling to the death!

Tigerstar: The only place you two belong is the fresh kill pile... no, more like the unfresh kill pile. You should have been dead long ago. Actually, forget that. You two are plain crowfood.

Firestar: That's rich coming from you!

Cloudtail: Okay, time is up! So, who do you think out-witted the other? Leave your votes in the comments! Next episode, we have... (drum roll please) Ashfur versus Brambleclaw! Thankyou for watching!