Talk:The Monsters/@comment-24519368-20170502152321

Prologue

First we have a scared black tom, later introduced to us as Smokeflame, being chased by his brother, Thistlefang, who has "dark drak black" eyes. Huh, interesting colour description there.

Thistlefang is for some reason evil, who claims Smokeflame stole everything he loved from him, when Smokeflame is mentioned as having no mate whereas Thistleclaw has one PLUS its. It is all rather confusing and no more information is given on this.

The pathetic fallacy was done very well here. Very well. Better than I could have done it. However, who is the white she-cat at the end? Is she just there for convenience? Why not have Smokeflame's spirit instead?

Also, the transition from Thistlefang's psycho personality to his regretful one is too sudden for my liking, but it shows that he cares about his kit (Sunpaw) but not his second mate, which gives inside into his character. Where is his first mate that Smokeflame stole? Does he care about his second one? Why take a second mate if the first one has been stolen from him? So many unanswered questions.

It would be better to have some expansion on the background of these two cats to have their situation more developed rather than it being there for plot convenience. Grammar and spelling needs work. The two contrasting sides to Thistlefang shown in the prologue don't seem consistent to what little we know about his character at this point. Maybe it will be expanded in the future?

Chapter One

Time to dissect Sunpaw! I love dissecting characters!

Th first striking thing about her is her two mismatched eyes of contrasting colours, red and blue. This is unrealistic for a cat but this is no ordinary Warriors fanfiction where we abide by the rules of biology here!

There are so many signs of Applestar being written as a potantial love interest for Sunpaw that they may as well be flashing neon pop-up ads. It's neither good nor bad in my book, more like an observation.

Sunpaw has a motivation to be "the best warrior ever" which is common. Throughout the hunting scene with Applestar, she is presented as a perfect, do-no-wrong apprentice being mentored by the leader. So far this is the only thing we know about her as a character, and it is all concerningly positive.

Cats do not know what ghosts are, but we do not abide by the laws of Warriors culture in this fanfiction!

Then we are introduced to Ghostpaw and Featherfrost's relationship, and more into Ghostpaw's character, another do-no-wrong cat.

And then we are introduced to Sunpaw's mother, Frostbite, and her younger brother Kingkit, which should not be a kit because they cannot be from two different litters because their age gap is too small! Kingkit should be a apprentice Starclandammit! The same thing with Sleepingkit! If they are frostbit and Thistlefang's kits, they will grow up to be evil too, like he predicted with Sunpaw!

Sunpaw says goodnight, which is weird because shouldn't it be the afternoon?

I need answers!

...

Sunpaw is now Eclipse. Does she know this? Why can't she control it? Has she known all along? Does she have DID? Does her brain automatically want to kill everyone?

"The love of her life" ok she is getting too attatched to Applestar. Did she talk to him about this?

If this is Sunpaw's only flaw, then it's a poorly-done one.

Also, where is Thistlefang and Smokeclaw's 'stolen' mate?