Talk:Affection/@comment-8248793-20151227160821

SPOILERS

ONE

Hm I'm not that drawn in by Ashpaw but I do love his sister. She's so cute!! Too bad she's not going to be a big deal in the story (I assume bc it's about Ash/Cheetah?) But I'm hoping to see Cheetahpaw's view and perhaps how the two will fall in love...

A great way to begin, showing us Ashpaw's slightly grumpy and cynical personality and how he and Cheetahpaw didn't exactly get along (though perhaps we could have gotten a bit of that first in the chapter? idk I know you'll show us in the next chapter)

TWO

"Are you sure, Ashpaw? Maybe you should be the one who looks where he's going, before he decides to stop right in front of another cat." You started the sentence with "you" and then you switched to third person POV. That's grammarically incorrect c: So the bolded parts should be your and you.

Anyways, I like Cheetahpaw so far! She seems levelheaded and ready to do what's right, even if it means getting along with Ashpaw. I'm still not sure how the two will get together, but I've seen odder pairings so I'm waiting :)

Ahhhh Ashpaw!! must read the next chapter D:

THREE

Hm... the Darkness are creepy cats and I really love how you portray them, shaking fear in the two apprentices right away. Though it seems to be a bit not so suspenseful that the Darkness leader just straight out told the two apprentices "hey i'm gonna beat your clan down hahaha" of course, it's a great way to shake fear in the readers and see what will happen next, but maybe save that for another chapter?

Cheetahpaw and Ashpaw similar? I think you should show a little more but I'm glad you're not jumping right in with Ashpaw or Cheetahpaw being like "OMG WE'RE THE SAME I LOVE HIM :DDDDD"

But I do like your plot so far!! It's filled with enough small plot that I can feel the action building up :) Can't wait for more!!! (and I hope to see more of how Ash and Cheetah will fall in love c:!)

END SPOILERS