Talk:Curse of Death/@comment-26432133-20170407001030

(Contest Comment)

SPOILERS

PROLOGUE

Deathstar no :O

I like how this sets up Moonpaw's future, as he's cursed now, and Deathstar's puppet. Interesting.

CHAPTER ONE

Tealstar's a little blunt, but I can see why he's being like that. I love how intriguing both Tealstar's side and Moonshadow's side is- Tealstar's looking out for his Clan, yet Moonshadow is only cursed by Deathstar.

CHAPTER TWO

Oo, I like this. Moonshadow attacking Ghostwhisper and murdering Tealstar actually felt really justified. Who wouldn't be extremely ticked off and sad that their sister was killed? Great job with that.

CHAPTER THREE

I absolutely love how he felt guilty. Most "villains" don't, so props to you for that. The time skip is a little off-putting, but it's acceptable. And I really like how he went through all that to try to Spidernose's mate, yet she chose Ghostwhisper. My only complaint is that I don't get how no one would recognize Moonshadow, but I still love this. It's easy to see how Ghostwhisper keeps taking what and who Moonshadow loves, and his mounting bitterness is understandable and while I can't relate through experience, I can easily see myself being similarly vengeful. Not murderous, but still.

CHAPTER FOUR

I don't understand how Moonshadow would suddenly just want to kill every kit in the nursery. It would help if you could add a bit more of his reasoning behind that. I also like how Moonshadow keeps holding to Deathstar, clinging to the belief that it's all Deathstar's fault, when he does have a slight bit of control over what he's doing. I see it as the curse being the one to make Moonshadow's destiny, but Moonshadow's the one triggering it.

CHAPTER FIVE

I really enjoy how, with Deathstar's influence, Moonshadow doesn't just "kill, kill, kill", he simply loses control over his emotions. His wakeup call as to what he's doing and "what he's become" is lovely, a small call back to reality right before death. His remorse for his actions is wonderful, although I would prefer it if he could shoulder some of the blame for his actions. Yes, Deathstar cursed him, but he still did those things and he could have prevented them, to some degree.

JUDGING:

Moonshadow is a pretty good villain, though I wouldn't exactly consider him a villain.

His villainy is actually really justified and Deathstar is to blame as well. I don't see any harmful cliches either, great job!

OVERALL THOUGHTS

Touch-ups could be made, but this is a very interesting contest entry, better than a few of the ones I've read so far. I won't specify, of course, but this was a really nice story! I'd say I just wish there were less time skips, that Moonshadow had a bit more blame, and that Deathstar was a little more involved in the story. Still a wonderful job, though, Feather!