Talk:Jayshadow's Pride/@comment-27838201-20180423132902

!Spoiler Alert!

~Chapter I~

There isn't much to say about this chapter, as it's pretty short. But it does throw us right into the action, where we meet our main character: Jayshadow. Where he meets up with his forbidden love: Hollythorn.

This chapter isn't very detailed, which is alright. But you might want to take a moment to let your readers pinpoint their area, before being introduced to their main character. It would be something more like this:

The tom looked around, making sure that no-one was watching him. Then quickly darted out of the camp entrance of brambles and leaves

It gives more of a- Colorful experience- if you know what I mean. I would also suggest toning the pace down a notch. And bringing the chapter to a longer length.

Side note: It's not required to do the 'End Chapter' headings. just go on to the next chapter and you'll be perfectly fine.

~Chapter II~

As said before, this chapter isn't very long, But we are given more insight to what's going on. Hollythorn is Jayshadow's forbidden, of another clan perhaps? We are not told. We just get the idea that they were swimming. The ending of the chapter is kind of abrupt, and could use a little polishing up.

Due to this chapter being so short, there's really not much to say.

~Chapter III~

This one is just as short as the others. Again, try making your chapters longer. But we find ou that Jayshadow is a father, and that one of the kits has only three legs. One thing I would suggest is trying to put more emotion into this scene, and natural reaction. That's all I have to say for this.

~Chapter IIII~

So it's here at Chapter 4 that we get the reaction of the three-legged kit news. I get what you're going for here. It's implemented in a passable way. But it could be polished up, as said before. Again, try putting longer chapters, and more detailed writing. As well as looking for a way of a more natural reaction and communication of the cats.

The warriors don't just talk, they use tail signals, nose singals, they blink, fluff out their fur, and so on. Try playing around with that, and see what happens.

~Chapter V~

So it's here that Jayshadow comes back to camp, and we are introduced to Leafpaw and a cat by the name of Ashstar is mentioned: clearly the leader. More of a natural movement, and communication could be put into this, too. I like Leafpaw's personality. I suggest trying to experiment with it, and see what you can do.

~Chapter IV~

Here the cats are on a short patrol, and as said above. I do suggest expanding the chapters, and seeing what you can do. You are not limited to anything here. I suggest trying to look up words to describe the world around them since their on a patrol, and let the readers get to know the territory.

~End Spoilers~

Overall, this story is fair. I used to be the same way. I just didn't know how to mark chapters. Forbidden love is ok, as long as you don't continuously circle around it. You should be fine. I'm interested to see the kits that Hollythorn mentioned, and the characters overall personality. Keep writing, you'll get the hang of it. Don't be afraid to step out of your comfort zone!

I'm only human and I bleed when I fall d o w n...