Talk:Prior Trials/@comment-25630395-20150801155954

SPOILERS

It's like HALO :D But I like that. Dystpoian worlds rock man.

Okay so for your first show, this is a really nice job! The description at the beginning was a nice, smooth introduction to her surroundings without just saying " Sandpaw lived in a horrible desert." Showing, not telling. *taps finger against whiteboard* Mr. G would be so proud :)

I liked how we got to see a little of Sandpaw, how we could actually see her skill, and how we learned that she was slightly timid and a bit of a klutz. I like her already <3 and Heather sounded sweet, but it would have been more effective if we actually met her before she died. That way we would have a connection with her, not just some 'telling' through Sandpaw.

You explained the world nicely, how ShadowClan was at the top and the rest were slaves. The demonstration of Heather's death showed us how brutal they were (if it was SC). If it wasn't, I wish we could have seen Sandpaw's resentment or something because the emotions against ShadowClan from her would help us visualize what others thought of Shadowclan.

I noticed a few typos and other errors, like Sandpaw was called Sandpit once xD Also, the word 'clause' doesn't work with what you're trying to say. I think you're going for a Divergent- Maze Runner cross, you want like factions? It's okay to use factions but clause isn't the right word. In grammar it's like an organized part of a paragraph or something, and the other meaning (I quote) is: "a particular and separate article, stipulation, or proviso in a treaty, bill, or contract ."

Not exactly the thing you're looking for.... (crap this font though). You are missing a few commas, like in " Heather was, well, Heather" you need to have a comma before and after well. Besides that, nice episode and I can't wait for more!

END SPOILERS