User blog:LyricsThatSing/is it just me, or...?

Is it just me, or am I pathetic?

My friends hate me. Even George. Even the people in the gang.

People never notice anything except for my mistakes. How i could've done better. How i could've paid more effort. How i could've done more. How i could've stopped "fooling around" and be more serious.

The teachers have high hopes for me. My parents both expect a lot from me. My friends demand me to stop being a 'b*tch' and get a life. Stop being a loser. Stop being emo. Stop being annoying. It's always me that ends up apologizing and standing up for my friends. Being the excuse for their mistakes. No matter how much I try, I'm always not good enough. No matter how hard I try, my friends won't accept me. No matter how much I try, I'm still a failure.

You guys might tell me to ditch the friends. Find true ones. Stay with your best friends. But they are my social life. They are who I depend on. I'm so pathetic and desperate to appear happy. They include everyone I've ever talked about. Every friend I thought would stay loyal. Every single friend who I've known for years and cherished. Every friend who I stay with, just to stop appearing like a loner who has no friends and is emo and full of flaws.

I'm so pathetic and weak. I can't stand up for myself. I depend on the people who hurt me. I spend my heart and time over the people who doesn't give two sh*ts about me. I think of the people every day, every night. Is the illusion of my happiness existing? Yes, but where is my 'true' happiness that I'm finding? Whatever illusion that my friends created to make it look like that we're perfectly fine is intact. Perfect. Flawless. And yet no one dares to probe in and ask what happened whenever I break down in the middle of the class. My friends come over with sickly sweet voices. Pretending to calm me when they're the reason why I was crying. I can take pranks, but with people saying 'You f*cking think we haven't been pranked before', I lost it. Everyone has been pranked before, but just stop and get a life and stop being annoying and stop b*tching about it. I can say anything you've ever said to me, b*tch.

I'm starting to question my sanity. I have two sides- the person people believe I am (straight/homophobic/transphobic/cool/bright/smart/flawless/genius) and the person who I am (gay/apparently a b*tch/annoying/clingy/emo/pathetic/weak). I'm afraid that I'll fall apart and lose myself trying to keep my fake self intact. I'm so afraid that people would find out. I'm terrified, because people might out me. People might spread rumors about me. Again, those people who would most likely out me are homophobic/islamophobic(yeah because i said i supported all religions and aethists and apparently that was f*cking offensive)/transphobic. Basically nearly everyone.

Why am I shaped to be this way? I'm self-conscious about my own weight. I'm overweight probably very fat for my age. 6kg heavier. I'm aware of how people tease me. Stare at me. Look with eyes that disapprove of my body. Beauty standards can honestly go f*ck themselves. My friends keep saying that I'm fat. My friends keep taunting me.  'Yo, see that fat b*tch over there!' 

I'm certain people's sandbag. Punching. Mainly punching. Some days I could get away with it, but mostly I stay with my friends. And that's when all hell comes loose.

I know that I need help, but I don't want to lose this friendship even though you'd call it a toxic friendship. Right? But i depend too much on them. Too much. It hurts for me to separate from them for a week. How could I survive...?

Ever has it been that     love knows not its its     own depth until  the very hour of separation.