Talk:The Beauty System/@comment-25926899-20151028005301

okayokay let's see where to begin i have a few errors to point out i should do that first, ye?? then get to my like actual comments on it.

"The Beauty warrior looks surprised. I’m not shocked to see that she was, considering not so many Beauty cats decides to cross the border, even to attend businesses."

this sentence is kinda messy and i don't think the grammar is correct

"though I wish I had a complete family like Brownpaw."

i just wanna argue that a loving mother is a complete family (coming from someone with divorced parents yo)

"Nodding, I embrace Silverfrost and Duskheart before turning away one last time."

it's just the word embrace here. that would usually mean a hug ye? but cats aren't really capable of that so i would maybe change it to something more catlike, say "touched noses" or w/e else u might want.

"I stiffen as she read off the names,"

cats don't read?? unless they do in this story idk

"Although sometimes there are acceptations "

the correct word here would be "exceptions".

anyway, movin' on.

this is a good start to what sounds like it will be a very interesting and original fic!! i'm interested in learning about why the clan is divided like it is; it's a very unique setting so i'm curious as to how you're going to play on that and what kind of history you'll give it. also, the rule about not being allowed to love on the beauty side is odd?? so i'm looking forward to finding out just what its place is/why it exists. i was worried that amberpaw's mother was going to be just a bigoted character she hates because that's kind of a common trope that is so annoying, so i was really relieved to see that line about even if she didn't love amberpaw's father, she still loves amberpaw.

hopefully i'll be able to finish it at some point but like how many episodes again??? but yeah it's really good so far!!