Talk:Darkness Around Us/@comment-7410018-20150906042407

Okay, I'm apologizing advance cause this is going to be a long ass comment, since I took notes for every chapter.

~spoilers~

Prologue:

"She loves me" is a great starter sentence. It's simple yet intriguing, and a good move, because it draws the reader right in. In fact, the entire prologue was well-written and perfectly paced, this is amazing, and you've just improved so much since you first joined the wiki. I don't know, but for some reason, Ice's point of view was my favorite.

Chapter 1:

Not sure if you were told this already, but there were a couple typos- with the words "Speckshadow" and "unsheathed" at the beginning of the 1st chapter.

I feel like the two rogues came to the Clan a little bit too quickly, and it would have been better to write some of the normal Clan life first, to set a stage and let the reader know what it was like before Silver and Ice came to the Clan. And that would also help with Rosepaw and Cherrypaw's relationship- the story starts out by saying that they are really close and basically inseperable, until the rogues come and ruin it, but we don't get to see much development of Rosepaw and Cherrypaw's relationship beforehand, and I thought that would be helpful.

Also, I felt that the Clan should have had more of a reaction to the rogues when they first came, you had a short description of Speckshadow and the other warriors, and that was it, the story could've used a little more in my opinion.

I do like all of the names in this story though.

Chapter 2:

Man, Ice seems like such a creeper to me. But at the same time, he's interesting, and I'm curious to know more about him.

Pinestar's visit also seemed like foreshadowing to me.

Chapter 3:

I think that Ice and Silver being related to Rosepaw and Cherrypaw is a great idea for the plot. But, at the same time, it's completely predictable. I'm not sure if you meant it to be like that though- some writers do the thing where the reader knows what's going on while the characters have yet to figure it out and you're just waiting with anticipation for when they do. The story has more of that effect, than a plot twist. When Ice woke up I thought he was going to instantly figure out who his sisters were.

Chapter 4:

Okay, foreshadowing is important, but the way that Cherrypaw thinks that the rogues shouldn't be in the Clan just cause they caused a fight between her and her sister is pretty self-centered. Not saying that this shouldn't be in the story though. Character flaws are very important, and it might make the story better because you could make Cherrypaw naive and immature, and therefore a more unreliable but interesting character.

Yes, and I'm so glad that I'm seeing gayness in a story here. And not just one token pairing. Okay, Silver and Rosepaw aren't really together, but Cherrypaw considers it, and I count that as representation. As well as the thing with Speckshadow and Robinstar.

Chapter 5:

Even more gayness. Good.

Chapter 6:

Well, I was wondering where their father was. So wait- Smoke abandoned Cherrypaw and Rosepaw and then they ended up joining SageClan and he joined HollyClan and became Pinestar?

Chapter 7:

The whole siblings in love thing is definitely uncomfortable, and that's good, because it gives the story more... spice, for lack of a better way of putting it. It reminds me of the Mortal Instruments series (I'm not sure if you have read that).

And I generally like it better when flashbacks are in italics, it's clearer, but this one was understandable.

Chapter 8:

I feel like Cherrypaw is really naive and emotional and immature. I said earlier that character flaws are very important, but when those flaws sort of dominate the character traits, that's when it creates an unlikable character. And Cherrypaw just doesn't seem to have a redeeming quality strong enough to balance out the negative things about her. I have to be brutally honest, I don't like Cherrypaw. I know it would take a moment for her to get used to the secret, but soon it turns from reasonable shock of learning something like that to just sort of being a brat and not even trying to be mature. And even she seems to realize it sometimes.

On the other hand, I do like Rosepaw. I think she's sweet. So I'm sad that she has gone away.

Chapter 9:

And now Cherrypaw is hearing voices. I like this minor plot point. It's dark and interesting.

And Cherrypaw is alone. Let's see how this goes.

Chapter 10:

Okay. I didn't like Cherrypaw, and I didn't really like Ice either (despite him being pretty interesting). But this goodbye is really touching. If you can make me feel for characters I found unlikable, this is some good writing right there.

Epilogue:

I thought Cherryflower was annoying, but now I'm feeling for her more. Maybe this hits a little too close to home. She does seem more mature too. But if you are describing her to be insane, you really should add more supporting details to this.

And Lionfire's confession seemed kind of random and out of nowhere, sort of clumsily trying to make Cherryflower happy at the last second. But I really am glad that Rosepaw comes back.

This story had numerous flaws, but I noticed that it did manage to grip me, and it didn't feel like a chore to `read at all, it was actually enjoyable.

~end spoilers~