Talk:Bloody Shadows/@comment-7410018-20150901202157

~spoilers~

Okay, so I liked this story so far. It's not perfect, but it was overall good and enjoyable to read. I apologize if my comment isn't as long as it usually would be, because you only have a prologue and five chapters written.

Okay, so I'll start out by talking about things that I liked.

Your descriptions throughout the story were all pretty good. They weren't rushed, but they weren't long to the point of being boring, and that's good because it helped me really picture the story. Which brings me to the next point- the pacing. That was great too. It's hard to get a story at the right pace, it's easy to accidentally write it as too fast and rushed or too slow and dull. But you didn't do either of those.

You portrayed Shadow's tragic past very effectively. I was convinced that she was very sad and traumatized from her brother's death, and that it is causing her to do crazy things, because she's somewhat broken from it. Despite the fact that she is a murderer, I feel for her.

I also like how it's set in the future of the clans, with Squirrelflight (or Squirrelstar) as the leader. I thought that was interesting. Most of the time I see made up Clans on here, and there is nothing wrong with that, but it's nice to have something different every once in a while.

But despite the story being good, there still were a few things that I thought you could improve on.

I already said that I like how you wrote Shadow as being distressed about her past. But sometimes, the whole killer part of her personality seems overdone. I'm not sure how to say it, but it's written too... obviously? Like you could've wrote her murderous personality as a little more subtle and realistic. I hope you know what I mean.

And that part about her killing Gorse- it really confused me. Was it a nightmare she had? Or was it a memory she had repressed until then? If it was a memory, it wouldn't make much sense in the story.

And when she kills the medicine cat apprentice... it doesn't make much sense that she was able to carry her all the way out of camp and to the lake and kill her without anybody noticing. There's usually a guard in the Clan camp, but that's a minor nitpick. My main point is that if she was an apprentice, it would be harder for Shadow to pick her up and carry her all that way, and even if the apprentice was a heavy sleeper, she still would have probably woken up during that.

So that's about it- sorry if I couldn't make it as long as I was hoping. But yeah, overall I enjoyed reading this.

~end spoilers~