Talk:Cedarpaw's Journey: A Dark Secret/@comment-28076378-20171214231656

-Spoilers-

Chapter 1


 * That was a pretty cool start. I thought Cedarpaw was in the middle of a battle, but it just turned out to be her mentor. At least she didn't get hurt x3


 * There's not a lot happening in this chapter, it mostly seems like Cedarpaw is being ordered around. While we're on the topic of Cedarpaw, I must admit she seems kind of dull to me. Perhaps add some more of her emotions and opinions in it? I know this is only the first chapter though, there's plenty of time for her personality to develop.


 * You have a very nice description here! It's pretty detailed and I can picture everything going on easily. When I first started writing, the thing that was most difficult for me was adding detail, to the point where when I look back at them now, I hardly know where they're at or what's going on >_< luckily I've improved!


 * I didn't notice many mistakes, but when Cedarpaw is getting some prey for Barkpaw, she grabs a mouse, but then it's said they share a rabbit.

Chapter 2


 * Ok, I think prickly little Barkpaw is super cute and cool, and someone should smack Ashpaw with a stinky trout for making fun of him. I'd love to see those two together more! I wonder if she's just making fun of him 'cause she can, or if there is something deeper to it... I have a feeling she just likes to make fun of him.


 * I am kind of annoyed with Darkmist, I mean, she's a medicine cat, she should be taking Barkpaw more seriously about this dream. A huge part of a medicine cats job is to speak with StarClan and have meaningful dreams, but she hardly seems to care and is in no fuss to speak to Cedarpaw, despite her apprentice appearing very urgent. *gasp!* what if she's evil?! that'd be interesting... lol i love coming up with dumb twists. I feel like she should be more concerned.


 * Omywow. Ok, there's a few things I'm surprised with... Horsestar's sending an apprentice, alone, onto a rival Clans territory, ALONE? Well, I can see that this could be a challenge for Cedarpaw, which is what they want, but this seems a little too risky. What if they're hostile? And why send an apprentice to take a message to a leader? Why couldn't Horsestar just tell Wrenstar the message at the Gathering? Hmm... could this be... part of... some sort of... evil... twisted plot, where Wrenstar and Horsestar are both evil and going to destroy the Clans, or something?! lol I doubt it.


 * The other thing that really surprised me was just how hostile StreamClan was! I know it only counts for the meeting at the full-moon, but I would expect them to be less... edgy about this... and Cedarpaw's only an apprentice, one apprentice, what harm could she possibly do to a Clan? Yeah, there could be more cats hiding in wait, still... maybe StreamClan's just really, really grumpy, like, come on, seriously Yelloweyes? You think you should kill her? Chill, dude, chill, have a snickers or something.


 * But hey, at least Wrenstar wasn't too bad. And on the way back, it looks like Cedarpaw found a friend in Snowpaw! Snowpaw seems very nice, I'd like to see more of her!


 * I think I did find a few word mistakes, but I don't remember what they were :/ But you did a great job on this, I'll definatly read and comment more as you continue to write C:

-End of spoilers-