Talk:On the Side/@comment-1703139-20141226020235

Alright, I'm going to try to do an awesome comment :D

Constructive criticism first: there were a few grammatical and spelling errors. You didn't capitalize 'Leaf' once and you left off the 'r' in one of the leader's names. You said 'your' instead of 'you're' once or twice. Confusion-wise, this was pretty clean for a first episode. The only two things I would point out (may have just read too fast, idk) are:


 * if Storm was 8 moons old when she was living with Shade, how old is she now?


 * I think Storm is an adventurous she-cat and she does want to follow in her big sister's paw-steps, but I'd love some more insight as to why she just jumps to help the Clans.  Like, she's kind I think, and she obviously is interested in their lives, but maybe a little more time spent on that would be good.

Okay, now positives :D

I really love the line 'It's been leaf-fall for a long time'. Like, that gave me shivers up my spine it was so good. And I have the feeling it will set the tone for the whole series, amirite.

I love how you portray the sibling relationship between Storm and Shade. It does seem very realistic, especially the part where Shade yells at Storm for ruining the hunt and then chases her when she runs off. I could see myself doing that with my sister. And I like how Shade is all slick like 'oh yeah i totes help the Clans im so cool, i guess you can help too, I'm cool and the big sister. :D'

Will we ever get to see/hear about/meet their other siblings? I love how flippant Storm is about Shade being the only one she would never leave- it's realistic and also kind of bittersweet. But I do want to know what happened to the others/why and how they ticked off Storm.

Also, just out of curiosity, is Bramblestar Brambleclaw from the original series, or just a happy coincidence?

Anyways, good start, I can't wait to read more!