Struggling to Shine



'''This is a collab in between Robo (Shimmerpaw) and Rainy (Reedpaw). Enjoy!'''

Shimmerpaw:
I gently emerged into the apprentices' den, clutching a sparrow in my jaw. My eyes glanced around the den, floating over the apprentices who were whispering in large groups, huddled together in excitement.

I sighed, realizing that I never would have someone to sit and eat with. I was nothing but a loner in my Clan.

And so I would remain.

My teeth tightened around the sparrow as I worked my way to the back of the den, where I promptly sat down and began to tear into the meat.

A few minutes into my meal I was interrupted by a loud, booming voice.

"Hey, Shimmerpaw!" I snapped my head up to see a tabby brown tom beaming at me, from a little further off in the den, his grin terribly confident as a band of four other apprentices chattered with each other, from right beside him.

"Hey!" I quickly chirped, feeling the excitement that arose in me every time I spoke to someone that wasn't my mentor, and the Clan leader; Spottedstar.

"What is that you are eating?" Scarpaw, the handsome tom called at me, "A sparrow?"

"Yeah," I shyly nodded.

"No wonder," he shook his head up and down, and I could trace the slightest bit of malice moving along with them, "It's easy to tell that you like to eat."

"What?" I gently looked down at the sparrow, "Do you think I'm fat?"

"I know you are fat."

"Oh," I felt hot tears rushing to my eyes and I quickly pushed them back as his whole group of friends broke into sniggers. I felt my heart drop when the one that looked like me; Reedpaw- for he had black fur as shiny as mine, laughed as well.

I couldn't really explain why, but I could just feel my heart falling as I tried to ignore his laughs among those of the other cats.

I pushed the sparrow away from me gently with my paw, no longer the slightest bit hungry. Pushing myself up to my paws, I promptly exited the den, before making my way out of camp as well, with quick footsteps that echoed blankly in my mind as I walked.

Once greeted with the gentle wind outside, I stretched my legs, before gently letting them run and carry me alongside the wind.

Only once I was far enough from camp did I let go of my tears, as they calmly slipped down my face, and hit the ground, each a fallen dream of a happier life in BirdClan.

Reedpaw:
Can I admit something? I felt really, really horrible about what Scarpaw did to Shimmerpaw. Okay, maybe I felt horrible that I'd done nothing to stop it, but come on. No one stands up to Scarpaw and gets away with it. The group would never let me forget about it.

But it didn't matter, because I couldn't forget it myself anyway. Seeing the light fade in Shimmerpaw's beautiful- uh, let's go with bright, green eyes, and watching her turn away without cursing out Scarpaw the way he deserved to be. It was heartrending, more especially since I was, in part, doing this to her. And one more thing. She was completely not fat. Her slender frame desperately needed that sparrow. My eyes fell on it, lying at the back of the den, while my friends laughed and joked. ''I could take it to her. But if Scarpaw sees me...''

Making up my mind before I had a chance to chicken out, I mutter, "Better put this thing to good use," and pick up the sparrow, hurrying out of the den.

"Ew! You've got Shimmerpaw-pox!" giggles Tansypaw, falling all over Scarpaw in the process; he doesn't seem to mind. His amber eyes lock with mine, waiting for me to laugh and drop the prey. I don't.

As I pad out of camp, I wonder where Shimmerpaw went. She's so quiet and reclusive most of the time that I have no idea what she does to pass the time, or where she goes. Glancing about the silent woods, I see no sign for her. Another idea comes to mind. I hurry back to camp.

"Come on Reedpaw! Your turn to face the undefeated champion!" Scarpaw crows, prancing around the middle of the camp. I laugh and pad towards him, flicking my tail back and forth.

"Prepare to go down, Scarpaw!" I yell, springing towards him. We roll about on the floor, kicking out at each other, mostly for the benefit of Tansypaw and her gorgeous sister, Goldenpaw, who watch with round eyes, pretending to be impressed with each kick and scratch.

Finally, we call it a draw(after more arguing then actual fighting), and flop down in our group's special spot, under the branches of a large willow at the corner of camp, where we can hide from our mentors and duties while watching over the proceedings of the Clan. It's an exclusive place for us apprentices. Well, all of us besides Shimmerpaw. Even Mosspaw is allowed to come here occasionally, as long as she keeps her distance from us and doesn't try to butt in.

It's evening now, and the BirdClan camp has never looked prettier. It casts shadows over Goldenpaw's pale honey coat as she stretches. Goldenpaw and I are supposed to be an item; it's just the way it worked out. Tansypaw and Scarpaw, me and Goldenpaw, and the others get what they can. Although, sometimes I think she's incredibly shallow, despite her pretty, pointed face and large hazel eyes.

"Let's go back inside and tell jokes," suggests Tansypaw, a shiver running through her delicate mist-colored frame.

"Sure," Scarpaw says, wrapping his tail around her small body protectively. I do the same to Goldenpaw, and we enter the apprentices' den. Shimmerpaw raises her head when we enter, and her eyes meet mine. The smallest hint of a smile crosses her lips, and I know she knows I did it. She found the sparrow I buried in her nest. I return the tiny smile, then turn back to Goldenpaw.

It was no big deal. Just one random act of kindness. Shimmerpaw's world was miles away from mine. They could never cross.

But just for one tiny moment, there was a link. And I stayed awake for the rest of the night, wondering what it meant.

Shimmerpaw:
What's wrong with me? I wonder as I miss yet another catch that day. I try to convince myself its hard to concentrate with Reedpaw and Goldenpaw madly flirting ahead of me.

But they aren't even speaking.

He just has her tail curled around her slender body, obviously much slender than mine considering how much I weighed; according to Scarpaw at least.

Maybe just seeing the two together disturbed me a little.

Especially after I know that Reedpaw saved the sparrow for me. A part of me feels like he is really a kinder tom than he dares to let on.

And that he deserved better than Goldenpaw.

I leaped through the air again, trying to reach for a mouse, but I missed it and it was soon too far away for me to catch up to.

"Nice try, Shimmerpaw!" I heard Reedpaw calling to me and quickly whirled around, to find our eyes locking again for another moment as I realized he was sincere.

The link...

Next to him Goldenpaw snickered and I felt my face turning red as Reedpaw gently joined her, not daring to defy her sense of humor.

I felt my stomach gently turning.

Who was I kidding? There was no one in the Clan better than Goldenpaw.

I hated myself for even considering that I might have been an option.

Because I wasn't.

I was just that strange, lonely cat who would always watch him from the side lines, relishing the few moments of that strange link we shared.

The only one who knew the other side to him.

Sighing, I forced myself to paddle away from the couple whom others may have regarded as terribly cute but I found disgusting.

The other side of him didn't matter anyways.

Not if he loved Goldenpaw too much to bring it out.

And that, obviously, was the case.

Reedpaw:
I nod absently at Goldenpaw, trying to pay attention to her ceaseless, mindless chatter. It's hard enough normally, but with the feel of Shimmerpaw's eyes at the back of my pelt as we head back to camp, it's near impossible. I long to turn around and see the expression on her face, but I can't, so instead I wrap my tail closer around Goldenpaw's slim body, to make up for my absentness from the conversation.

I hold in my grasp several sparrows and a vole, tokens for Goldenpaw's admiration, rather then prey caught to provide for the Clan. Sometimes I wonder what on earth BirdClan will do when all the practical senior warriors are gone, and our generation is in charge. Yikes.

"Reedpaw? Hello? Anyone in there?" Goldenpaw waves her tail in front of my face, a gesture which I usually find adorable, but now just find annoying.

Forcing back my irritation, I say, "Sorry. What were you saying?"

She gives me a baffled look. "I was asking what color flower I should wear in my ear when we go to the Gathering. It's only a week away, you know, and I'll need to look gorgeous. I mean, even more gorgeous."

I grin and touch my nose to her ear. "You'll look pretty no matter what you wear."

Goldenpaw smiles, a beautiful smile, but it evokes no feeling in me, because there's nothing behind it. Nothing true or real.

We reach the camp. Scarpaw is sitting outside the apprentices' den; if any other cat did that, they would look lonely and dumb, but he just looks like he's letting us all have the pleasure of admiring him while he grooms his fur. He gives us a cool nod as we enter, and we pad over to him. Tansypaw emerges from the den as well, and we face each other, each in our assigned spot of the square, like we're drawn to each other by a mutual feeling of "coolness". But is that only in our heads?

"Oh my StarClan," Tansypaw says crossly. "My mentor made me run laps around the training clearing for sassing him. It totally messed up my pelt, and I broke a claw doing his dumb fighting moves!"

Goldenpaw murmurs a word of sympathy, while Scarpaw and I roll our eyes at each other, acting tough, like we don't care(which I certainly don't).

"Oakfur says I did excellently. He says I'll make a great warrior, or deputy, someday," Scarpaw boasts.

I shove him playfully. "Not if I become deputy first!"

"In your dreams!"

We get into a little play-fight, wrestling with each other on the floor. I've just pinned Scarpaw down when I look up and see her. Shimmerpaw, sitting timidly by herself near the fresh-kill pile,- not eating anything either, I notice with a stab of guilt- a sweet, yet sad, expression on her small, pretty face. I freeze, locking gazes with her, and Scarpaw manages to scramble up and land a blow on my shoulder, knocking me back over.

"Weak, Reedpaw!" he exclaims, leaving me to pull myself to my paws.

I wink at him, but I'm not in the mood for games anymore. Getting up, I mutter hastily, "I'm going to get something to eat," and pad over to the fresh-kill pile.

I can feel Shimmerpaw's soft gaze on me as I bend over the prey, sorting through it. Picking up a squirrel, I glance up at her; she turns away. "Hey," I say quietly. "You're not fat, you know."

"What?" she blinks.

Feeling like an idiot, I ramble, "I mean... You shouldn't listen to Scarpaw. He's... wrong sometimes." I know I have to be careful what I say, in case it goes back to him; my friend is not forgiving. "You're definitely not fat; in fact, I'd say you ought to eat more."

A shine comes into her emerald eyes, making my heart give an odd leap. "Thank you," she says.

When she still doesn't make a move to eat, I nose the squirrel towards her, about to offer to share, when a loud voice from behind me booms, "Well, look what we have here!"

I stop as if paralyzed, fear trickling down my veins like ice. Not now, not here, not her.

Luckily, Scarpaw brushes past me. Then I feel sick for being relieved, especially since I know who they're going to pick on. Tansypaw and Goldenpaw trail behind the tom like sick, mewling kits, looking for a handout. "Ew, look at her fur," mews Tansypaw. "It looks like a buzzard's nest."

Shimmerpaw's face falls. "I was hunting, and it must have gotten messy," she says to the floor.

Scarpaw grins charmingly at her. "Don't worry about it. I think she looks gorgeous." He takes a step closer to her, working his best lady-killer pose. For some reason, even though I've seen him play dozens of she-cats before, I feel like ripping off Scarpaw's head and hurling it into the air. Frantically, I try to think of a way to stop him. Shimmerpaw looks frightened; I can see she's uncomfortable with this.

Finally, I can't stand it any longer. "That's enough Scarpaw."

Everyone freezes and stares at me. Goldenpaw's jaw actually drops open. Scarpaw looks cool and collected, but I can see he's shocked at my outburst too. Desperately, I add, "You don't want to be falling for another she-cat with Tansypaw right here. She might get jealous."

Tansypaw laughs airily, and Goldenpaw does too, probably relieved that her boyfriend didn't send her plummeting down the social ladder. Scarpaw merely says, "Like I'd ever fall for a cat like Shimmer-ew." But I can see in his eyes that I've crossed a line. And there's no going back.

Still, when I look past him, into the grateful face of Shimmerpaw, I think, It was worth it.

Shimmerpaw:
I'm still not sure why Scarpaw decided that flirting with me would be a good idea when he obviously hates me so much; he was the one that had called me fat.

And I was stunned as the group of four paddled away, all looking amazing and in control, Reedpaw looking the most perfect while Goldenpaw was the shabbiest, but still rather pretty.

I felt even more stunned, however, by Reedpaw's sudden outburst and how infuriated the flirting with me had made the black tom become.

I forced myself to shrug off the excited feeling, gently swirling in my stomach, and looked down at my feet to the prey Reedpaw had delivered.

Reluctantly, I bent my head down and began to chew into the meat, relishing Reedpaw's scent with slight guilt, as I was aware he and Goldenpaw were already an item.

A rock appeared to drop at the core of my stomach, at those thoughts but I refused to pay attention to it, as I quicly wolfed down the prey Reedpaw had brought me, and turned around; looking for my mentor Featherheart.

"Shimmerpaw," I tuned my head around expecting to meet Featherheart but discovering that it had been Reedpaw that had addressed me.

"Hey Reedpaw," I could feel my insides squirming for an unknown reason as I tried to calm them down but hold a friendly smile with Reedpaw.

"I'm sorry," He shrugged, "About what Scarpaw did," His voice didn't seem to sincere however as he apologized, "I know that no one had ever flirted with you before; not really a question why, and having Scarpaw flirt with you might get you really excited..." He paused, shrugging, "Over absolutely nothing. Because no apprentice, certainly not a popular one like Scarpaw or, say, me, will ever truly like you in the sense that Scarpaw had almost been taking across," His eyes were shallow as he faced me.

Ouch.

"Thanks," I responded dully, quickly snapping around, "But I think I can take care of myself, thank you very much," I glared him down, and for a moment it appeared as he would shrink away.

Then he barred his teeth at me, "You should watch the tone you use when you speak to me," He claimed, "I'm stronger and more popular than you. Come to think about it, everyone is."

I felt more brambles coming at my heart as he continued to speak, gently tears reaching the edges of my eyes as I could barely stand to look at him.

"So those words about how I wan't fat, that prey you brought to me, when you complimented me on my good try while I was hunting," I glared at him, "If I'm too lowly for you to say anything the slightest bit positive-or nuetral- to, then what were those?"

There was a tense moment of silence before he sighed and turned around, "Stop being so hopeful, Shimmerpaw, it will bring you nothing but pain."

And then he was gone, as I glared after him angrily, not sure how I could have ever thought he was a different cat than he appeared to be.

When he was no different than the rest of them.

Reedpaw:
"I've decided on a yellow flower," Goldenpaw announces, tucking a small butter-colored blossom into her glossy golden fur.

I glance at her pretty face and force a smile. "Cool. You look gorgeous."

Scarpaw stretches and stares up at the full moon, his eyes glowing with surpressed excitement; even the cool can't-faze-me tom can't pretend he isn't looking forward to the Gathering. Briefly, he touches Tansypaw's ear with his nose. "I wish you could come."

Goldenpaw puts on a pouty face. "I know right? I'll have to get new friends, so I don't look like a lonely loser, like some people." Her sky-blue eyes lock on Shimmerpaw, who is gazing up at the sky with rapt eyes, but still flinches when she hears the comment.

Mosspaw waves her tail at us. "Have fun guys!"

Shooting her a cold glance that says I guess I'm stuck with you for the night, Tansypaw mews, "Come on Mosspaw. Let's go inside."

Just then, Spottedstar calls from the BirdClan camp exit, summoning everyone going to the Gathering. We leap to our paws and trot over, Goldenpaw on one side of me, her fur brushing mine, and Scarpaw on the other, jabbering on about how dumb the PetalClan and FlameClan cats will be. I'm quiet as we leave the camp, lost in my own thoughts.

Most of them, I have to admit, are about Shimmerpaw.

All of them.

I can't help it. I'm mentally kicking myself for being so mean to her. No matter how many times I try to assure myself that I was merely doing her a favor by telling her the truth, I can't convince myself. When I see Red Rock, the color of blood against the dark sky, I'm relieved, hoping that the Gathering will get my mind off of my actions.

It appears we're the last Clan to arrive, FlameClan and PetalClan cats are already there, staring each other down with hostile eyes. Spottedstar has barely finished giving her news when Silverstar takes over and accuses FlameClan of stealing prey. I tune the bickering Clans out after that, glancing around. Scarpaw nudges me mischeivously, and I follow his gaze to a beautiful red she-cat, batting thick lashes over amber eyes at us. We exchange grins.

As soon as the Gathering's over, I pad over to her. "Hey, gorgeous," I say.

"That's Redpaw to you," she says coyly. Scarpaw joins us, all macho and flirting. I feel a strong gaze on my back, and turn around, expecting to have to explain myself to Goldenpaw. But it's not her. It's someone else, someone far prettier, and someone who makes my heart pound inexplicably as I turn back and pretend not to care.

Shimmerpaw.

Shimmerpaw:
I don't get why I can't shake off the thought that he cares about me. Because I know that if I don't, it will only come back and bite me harder each time.

And I suppose I had no right to be angry with Reedpaw for going all over the ginger she-cat. She was gorgeous and it was Goldenpaw's place to get jealous.

Certainly not mine.

But I couldn't help the way my heart had pounded so furiously and uncontrollably at the sight of him throwing himself into another she-cat.

I tried to tell myself that he didn't deserve any she-cat, even Goldenpaw, but I knew that deep down I highly disagreed with that statement.

He was rather good-looking and he always seemed to make those around him laugh, when he was doing anything with them.

Not that I would be checking to see where he was and quietly watching him the whole time or anything. And even if it was it was just because I was curious.

As to why he was one of the rules of the apprentices' den in BirdClan.

I heard a loud call from Spottedstar and turned around, paddling away from the sight that had unraveled before me, and shouldering my way past a pretty PetalClan she-cat who seems disturbed by the gathering.

Probably afraid of a war for her Clan.

Well, that was one thing I had to be grateful for.

At least my Clan's leader wasn't as mousebrained as that of PetalClan and FlameClan, who seemed completely unable to avoid any conflict.

We all knew it was coming to war.

"Hey, Shimmerpaw," I am surprised to hear Reedpaw calling my name and quickly glance over, unable to help myself from getting excited.

"Yes?" I asked, failing at keeping my voice dull.

"Your pelt looks beautiful under the moonlight," he commented, before turning around and dashing back to Scarpaw leaving me wondering what had just happened.

Can't he find a personality and stick to it?

Reedpaw:
"What was that about?" Scarpaw asks.

I try to keep my face as innocent as possible. "Huh?"

"You know. Why were you talking to," he flicks his tail disdainfully towards Shimmerpaw, "her?"

Gulping, I ransack my brain for an answer. The truth is, I myself don't know why I felt like I had to tell Shimmerpaw her pelt looked beautiful under the moonlight. The compliment just bubbled up inside of me when I saw how it shone like polished ebony, the silver flecks inside twinkling like a mirror image of the stars in the sky above. I couldn't resist telling her, making those lovely emerald eyes light up from the inside. Even if I already knew she hated me.

"Uh... I wasn't really talking to her. Just-"

"Reedpaw! There you are!" It's Goldenpaw, back from flirting with a ginger FlameClan tom. She purrs and rubs her fur against mine, as if she had never even considered another tom. "Did you enjoy the Gathering?"

I nod, struggling to detatch myself from her. "Yeah."

Luckily, Spottedstar calls BirdClan at that moment, and I free myself from Goldenpaw's clutches and go running over. I am definitely ready for this Gathering to be over.

"Reedpaw! Get up!"

Yawning, I blink open my eyes. It's my mentor, Graymask. Her small charcoal-colored frame is dwarfed by the entrance to the apprentices' den. "Huh?" I say blurrily, my voice still laden with sleep.

She gives me a crooked smile. "It's about time you got up. I just wanted to let you know that we have training this afternoon."

"Then why do I have to get up now?" I moan, staggering to my feet.

She laughs. "You'll survive."

After Graymask pads away, I come out into the BirdClan camp and select a squirrel to eat, taking it over to where Tansypaw and Scarpaw are chatting by the willow tree.

"Hey," Tansypaw greets me. "Goldenpaw had hunting lessons." She shudders. "Imagine! Why do we need to learn how to hunt? That's the warriors' jobs."

I roll my eyes. "We're training to be warriors. That's the whole point of being apprentices."

"Whatever," scoffs Scarpaw. "It's not like there's going to be some huge foot shortage or something. The rule that we have to eat last and wait for the elders and queens is ridiculous."

I bite my tongue to stop from lashing out at the shallow tom. He may be a great hunter, but what good are skills that are wasted? Hunting is to feed the entire Clan, not just to show off for your girlfriend. There are more important things in life. Of course, I can't ever let on that I have these thoughts. Sometimes I think that my friends will never grow up, and that BirdClan will be filled with terrible warriors who only think of their pelts and themselves. But they have to learn someday. Doesn't everyone?

As I glance around the camp, I can't help searching for Shimmerpaw. She's just entering, several pieces of prey in her jaws. She definitely understands how important feeding the Clan is. There's a cat that will make an excellent warrior and queen someday. For some reason, the image of Shimmerpaw as a queen, with tiny black kits scrambling over her, conjures up a strange, warm feeling inside my chest. I imagine the kits, and am shocked to find one of them with blue eyes... like mine.

A hot flush covers my cheeks, and I look away from the unsuspecting she-cat. As if she'd fall for me, ever. One compliment didn't make up for what I'd done to her.

But I could at least apologize. And that was what I intended to do.

When my friends are looking the other way, I pad towards her. "Hey Shimmerpaw. Can we talk?"

Shimmerpaw:
"What?" I can't barely keep my tone dull as I face him.

"I..." He hesitated for a moment.

"Yes?" I snapped, feeling my heart gently shattering as I stared at his face. Why did he have to look so sweet but yet be so cruel?

"I'm sorry," He sighed.

"For what?"

He sighed loudly, "I was just so mean to you, Shimmerpaw, I neglected your feelings and what I said wasn't really the truth. I just guess it was because I was scared that..."

"That?" I felt my heart beating wildly as I stared into his blue eyes.

"That..." He seemed unable to continue.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Scarpaw is calling me," He sighed, and I knew that he was lying by the expression on his face. He was trying to get out of confessing something.

And the only reason I let him go is because I can feel my heart blooming at his apology, as much as I tell myself that he isn't worth the emotion.

But I know that deep down, that's not the only reason I let him off.

Because in my heart there was a swelling hope to what he might confess, and I knew that as soon as he spoke that hope would be shattered.

And he's shattered my heart too much lately.

I watch him running off for a moment, wondering if that deep hope might have been a gently possibility. A simple chance that ...

He might love me.

Reedpaw:
Actually, Scarpaw wasn't even in the camp. He was out hunting with Tansypaw; I really should've come up with a better excuse. Surely an intelligent cat like Shimmerpaw would have figured out. But she let me go anyway. Unable to resist looking back, I throw a seemingly casual glance over my shoulder. Her gaze is focused on the sky, and she has a dreamy expression on her face. My heart aches when I see how beautiful she is. I shake off the thought. There's no way-

It's no use. I can't deny the way I felt, talking to her. I knew I had to get out of there, quick, before the words came spilling out.

And so I ran.

Cowardly? Maybe. But I couldn't help it. There was no way I could become friends with Shimmerpaw. Scarpaw would laugh in my face if I even suggested such a thing.

Yet, a small voice in my head kept whispering, ''So? Scarpaw doesn't control your life. Shimmerpaw is important, you can't deny that. ''

And I couldn't. Even though we barely knew each other, I felt a strange connection with her. The other side of my life, the part I had thought was my life till I met her, seemed to fall away when I was around her. Somehow, it just didn't matter anymore.

Was this what love felt like?

When Scarpaw came back in, he was holding several pieces of prey. Tansypaw had absolutely none, but she was clinging to him like a leech. I suspect she didn't even try to hunt and just checked him out the entire time.

Trying to hide my disgust, I pad over. "Hello."

"Hey guys," purrs Goldenpaw, sauntering over. Her honey-colored fur glows, and her perfectly long lashes flutter at me. I blink back warmly, but then I glance over her shoulder at Shimmerpaw. My face goes hot, and I turn away, though I know it shouldn't matter what she thinks of me and Goldenpaw.

Unfortunately, Goldenpaw doesn't notice. She leans forward and touches her nose to mine, purring all the while, then licks me on the ear.

Scarpaw complains loudly. "Get a bush, you two! No one needs to see that."

I pull away from Goldenpaw rather roughly. "Uh..." I try to come up with a smart response, which is hard, since I'm completely focused on Shimmerpaw. She meets my eyes for a second, gives me a regretful smile, and vanishes out the BirdClan camp. "I, uh... need to go."

Leaving my friends staring after me, I bound out of the camp.

Shimmerpaw:
"Good catch!" I felt a feeling of deja vu reaching over me as I spun my head around to find Reedpaw standing across me; wondering why he has to look so cute.

When all he could do was break my heart.

"Thanks," I murmured gently, bracing myself for the gentle laugh that had followed last time when he complimented my hunting. But it didn't come.