Talk:Flare's Rock/@comment-26285531-20160212012950



Ooh this was really good! You detailed on personality/thoughts a little more in this episode than the last, which I think is an awesome improvement. There were still a few minor details you could fix like grammar, but this was overall a really good episode. :P

Though particular events were longer, I felt like each one was made of up shorter fragments which made the scene go by in a blip, which could be fixed as well, though the overall effect of each event was pretty good! I can tell that Blizzard and Rainbow are together, though it's kind of stressed, but I'm not sure about Flare and Fire. I mean, I get where you're going with it, but it's just not there yet. :)

Also -- I noticed that you merge lines of paragraphs and dialogue of different characters, which makes it sort of confusing. Idk if that was a mistake but I think I've seen it before, like in this one:

''"Oh, and Fire - you're not supposed to go with her." I stare at her.''

''"Why not?" Holly shakes her head sadly.''

"I stare at her" makes it seem like Fire was the one who said that, but it doesn't make sense because she's mentioned in her own dialogue. Same for the second one -- it seems like Holly's the one saying "Why not?"

Other than those couple things, this is a really great episode! You've introduced awesome new characters which promise a really good rest of the season! :D

