Talk:The Dangerous Secret/@comment-24143898-20151029055157

SPOILERS

First of all, I'd like to say that your blurb, although short, is a job well done - I felt that it really grabbed my attention! That was a good hook, and yuselful to get a reader to read your story - good job c:

Now to the actual story - I felt that you described what the scene looked like well, which I liked as well. It really helped me to visualize the scene, and what the cats are seeing.

There is one thing that you probably should improve, and that is what person you're setting the POV in in Chapter 1 - it's switching between first person and third person, which shouldn't be happening - make it either one or the other. I note that most of it is in third person, so I'd guess you change it to that. For example, this sentence you said:

"Fine Streamkit!" Ebonykit yelled to the gray kit known as my brother. Ebonykit yawned, it was cold last night. Ever since this white stuff came Streamkit has forced me up every morning to play with him in it. I stuck our in it worse them him with my brown and white speckled back. I know this because we always play hide and seek.

If it was to be written completely in third person, it would look like this:

"Fine Streamkit!" Ebonykit yelled to the gray kit, known as her brother. Ebonykit yawned, it was cold last night. Ever since this white stuff came Streamkit has forced her up every morning to play with him in it. Ebonykit stuck our in it worse them him with her brown and white speckled back. She knew this because they always played hide and seek.

There were also a few tenses issues, of which I also tweaked in the above sentence.

There were also a few spelling/grammar mistakes, but those were minor.

This is a good start to a story, and I do hope to see more! C:

END SPOILER