Talk:On the Side/@comment-5277627-20141016065704

Okay, 'tis pretty good.

Being all OCD about grammar and stuff, I did notice that you made one mistake. You used the wrong your/you're in this line:

Your eight moons old!" She wailed, "I can't keep us both alive!"

Should be YOU'RE eight moons old. :)

Also, in this line here:

"My mother, Leaf, had been sick with green-cough, and then died. I still mourned for her, as does my sister, Shade."

You didn't need to mention that Shade was his sister again, because you mentioned it a few lines earlier. Try to avoid repeating yourself. When I sent my first draft of my actual story to my cousin for editing, that was the first, and most prominent thing, she pulled me up on.

And also, I found another example of repeating:

''"Shade, Shade!" I wailed, "Come back, Shade!"''

Just in that one sentence, you said 'Shade' three times. It's unnecessary, in my opinion. Perhaps you could have changed it to "Shade! Shade, come back!" or something similar.

Also, in here,

''Shade purred and licked my cheek. "Come on then, sister, we have work to do."''

I was totally confused. I was under the impression that Storm was a tom. I think you needed to mention Storm's gender a lot earlier, because I think other people made that assumption too.

On the positive side:

I liked the characters. Each of them had their own personalities that I could relate and sympathise to. You've done a great job of chatacters here.

I really liked how you set the scene. I was able to get a clear picture of the surroundings instantly.

While you did take a while getting the events started. they were good. I especially loved the flashbacks. They were the best part of the episode for me and what kept me going. I liked how the cats eventually met the Clans, because I was kind of waiting for that to happen. I liked the ending. It made me want to read on to the next episode.

Overall, good job! I'll have to read more. :D