Antebellum

Antebellum - before the war a short story written by blazey

---

We were supposed to get on spectacularly.

Why, we were practically overflowing with chemistry the moment we were born. She was raised by a single father- a bastard child from a rogue mother, to be an outcast for the rest of her days. My mother raised me alone. I too was an ugly child- my father had deserted during a battle and his betrayal stained me. We were both ugly and shunned, Birdpaw and I. As the stories go, we were to find solace and healing in each other. We would bring our parents together and spend the rest of our days as brother and sister, or perhaps even more. The whole Clan was counting on our fairytale story.

I did not mean to disappoint. Birdpaw did.

As the only kits in the nursery, we would often have to play together. No elders would speak to us, and no warriors offered to teach us. Most of the apprentices were okay, but they were yet to learn of our scandalous heritage. Our parents tried to stay as far away from us as possible, trying to let our destinies play out.

Birdpaw (she was Birdkit at the time- such an innocent thing) scowled at me the moment our parents left us with the instructions to play together and have fun!

" I don’t like you,” she dutifully informed me. “ You’re boring."

I had never been called such. “ Boring?” I exclaimed, searching my brain for a witty comeback. “ Well, you’re ugly.”

“ Says the one named ‘badger’,” Birdkit sneered. “ You stink like one, too.”

“ You’ve never smelled one,” I said, feeling quite smug. “ So how would you know?”

Birdkit rolled her eyes. “ You don’t really think I’ve spent my four moons in camp like a good little kitten, do you?”

I gaped at her. “ You’ve seen a badger?”

She puffed out her chest. “ I smelled one. At least, I’m fairly certain. It might’ve been your mother.”

“ Hey!” I exclaimed, anger pricking at my paws. I wanted to hit her- oh how I wanted to smack that sarcastic gleam out of her blue eyes- but I couldn’t summon the courage. “ You take that back, stinkface!”

Birdkit stuck out her tongue. “ Gotta catch me first!” She singsonged, waving her ginger tail. I lunged for her but she darted away, giggling and making me grind my teeth in fury.

She had bested me (the idiot), and I didn’t like that feeling at all. --- The true meaning of my heritage hit me in my fifth moon.

New gossip replaced my father’s betrayal, and I was viewed with less disgust than before. It had never bothered me, really, I was quite placid. I was content on my own, and had gradually learnt to ignore the secret sneers and snide glances. Soon the Clan began to forget, and they began to view me with a grudging dislike. This was likely due to the great contrast Birdpaw provided. She was noisy and constantly demanding attention. Unlike me, she reveled in her title as ‘bastard’, and flaunted her rogue side constantly. She was so proud of it, I almost wished my father had been one too.

Anything but a traitor.

When I began to talk to the elders, I timidly asked them about him one day. Hollywhisker- a rambling, cackling she-cat- obliged to speak about him.

“ He was always a problem,” she croaked. “ As a kit, even. I knew it- I saw him and I said that kit is going to grow up to be bad news. Never did his duties, always looking for ways to slack off- you’re not like that, are you?”

“ N-no, not at all,” I said under her rheumy stare. She merely huffed and looked away.

My mother, too, quickly became a source of exasperation.

“ You should spend more time with Birdkit,” she urged. “ She seems so lonely.”

I snorted. She was anything but.

“ You,” I said, “ just want to get close to her father.”

I had never felt so ashamed, yet so deliciously proud. --- I didn’t talk to my mother or Birdpaw much after that. I was content spending my days daydreaming about the things I wanted to say to Hollywhisker… and some of the other apprentices who liked to test me. I’d often ignore them until they grew bored and walked away. It worked perfectly well. Birdkit, one the other hand, terrified them. The one cat stupid enough to talk to her about her mother nearly had his eyes gouged out.

Perhaps I (was not) a little proud.

“ Why are you so placid about it?” Birdkit demanded of me one day. I knew what she was referring too.

“ Because nothing good comes of getting angry. It’s just an endless cycle of hatred and nasty emotions I don’t want to get into,” I replied calmly, not looking at her. Bird kit huffed.

“ So you’re just gonna sit there and let them insult you?”

“ Pretty much.”

“ I can’t believe you. Where’s your self-respect? Your sense of-”

“ Recklessness? Foolishness?” I unsheathed my claws. “ Being a bastard child is nothing to be proud of, Birdkit.”

She was silent for a long moment. “ I’m going to find her, one day. My mother.”

“ Good luck with that,” I snorted, standing up. My anger at Birdkit’s criticizing took a spiteful edge. “ If she gave you up, can’t say she’d want to see you now.”

“ I’m not afraid to stand up to her,” Birdkit said, voice seething with emotion. “ Unlike you, I’m not afraid to find her and get answers. I,” she hissed, “ am not content listening to elder’s stories.”

I closed my eyes as she left, stomach churning with fury. There was something romantic about a rogue’s life, lawless and fierce.

There was nothing romantic about a traitor’s life, a life of scorn and betrayal. __

Apprenticeship day arrived.

I had never been so excited yet so dreadful. My life was to be a series of tests- I knew that already- to see if I was the coward my father was. I could not, however, stop feeling excited- excited at the possibilities opening up before me.

Birdkit was to become Birdpaw alongside me. The fantasy of our childhood had not met the standards of many, yet our parents were determined not to give up. We were to train together and spend our apprenticeship together. I was to listen to her sarcastic, smug, stupid remarks all day.

And so it happened.

I was awed by the beauty of the forest, and she was noticeably not, having seen it on several occasions. She was all brazen and bold, hopping from one tree to another, rambling on and on. I was cautious and taking my time.

When our mentors began to explain what each Clan did, they kept sending secret glances my way. I knew what they were for, of course. It had never occurred to me until that moment to ask what, exactly, he had done.

“ Being a warrior means living by a strict, ethical code,” my mentor said. “ Loyalty, above all, is what binds us together. If you cannot be loyal, you cannot be a warrior.”

I felt Birdpaw glance my way. Such an obvious barb could not be ignored- and I refused to bite it. I simply looked away as I had always done, knowing that it would pass. It meant nothing to me.

As we returned to camp, Birdpaw stopped to whisper in my ear.

“ You disappoint me.”

I nearly spat after her. I did not exist for her, and I had nothing to prove to the ginger she-cat who was the bane of my existence. ---

“ Mom?” I said softly to the tortoiseshell flank. I had scarcely spoken to her since my apprenticeship, and I got the feeling she was ready to put me far behind her. That was fine. I didn’t need her anyway.

“ Badgerpaw!” she purred, and I forgot my bitter thoughts as I pressed my face into her side, inhaling her sweet scent. “ What is it?”

This is it, I knew, looking into her green eyes. I have to ask her now about what he did, or I never will.

“ Just wanted to… see how you were,” --- The older apprentices didn’t talk to me, which was nothing different than what I was used to. I spent most of my time doing my apprentice duties in camp, training, or just daydreaming like I used to. Around my third moon of apprenticeship, I noticed something.

Birdpaw was never in camp.

Practically never.

It was the dumbest idea I’d ever had, but I decided to follow her. I had always been absolute rubbish at stalking, but I would give it my best shot. So when I saw her in camp, gulping down a shrew, I never took my eyes off her. She went to the dirtplace and didn’t reappear even after Hollywhisker had gone down there.

Classic. Even I could tell her not to do that.

Following her scent was easy enough- and she seemed to be in quite a hurry, judging me all the scuff marks and broken branches (I prided myself on this observation). Across the territory she went and I followed, occasionally loosing her scent but managing to find it again. At last I caught up to her. Bird paw’s ginger back was to me and she was sitting down at the edge of the treeline. Upon closer inspection, I found this to be the border. What in earth was she thinking? Someone would hurt her.

“ Birdpaw!” I hissed, and she jumped and turned as only guilty ones do. “ What are you doing?”

“ That,” she snarled, blue eyes snapping, “ is none of your business. Poke your nose somewhere else.” She stood up and began to walk past me, fury etched along every line of her.

Something in the way she was treating me- useless and beneath her, set me on edge. Everyone had to respect her, but she could be snide with me?

“ Hey!” I called after her, hoping my voice was confident. She stopped walking but didn’t look at me. “ I have every right to know what you’re doing.”

“ You really don’t.” “ Yeah, I do. You’re looking pretty suspicious sitting at the border, waiting for someone, it looks like,” I said triumphantly, impressed at my own daring. I held my breath as she turned her head around. Her lip was curled and her teeth were showing.

“ What are you implying?”

“ I think you know,” it was intoxicating, this power. Finally being the one to accuse.

“ Fine,” Birdpaw snapped. “ I’ll tell you- but you have to keep this secret.”

She didn’t ask me if I would, she knew I didn’t have it in me to bargain or flaunt my power. I simply blinked in response, urging her to go on. “ I found… rogue scent. Here, about two moons ago.”

“ And?” I said, narrowing my eyes.

“ I wondered if- if they knew her. My mother. So every day I waited here to leave my scent, knowing they’d notice before long.”

“ Did they?”

“ Yes,” Birdpaw breathed, eyes lighting up. “ Do you know what a rogue’s life is like, Badgerpaw? It’s the best of all. No law, no stupid customs, it’s so free.”

My stomach churned. “ What does this have to do with anything?”

“ They know her,” Birdpaw whispered. “ My mother. I’m going to meet her in a moon’s time, too.”

I stared at her in disbelief. “ And you trust them?” It could be a trap, it probably was a trap…

“ Why not?” Bird paw demanded, shoving her muzzle close to mine. “ I’m one of them. Raika will come get me.”

“ Raika?”

“ It’s her name. My father told me.”

“ Does he know about his?” I demanded, ignoring the shaking in my legs.

“ Of course,” Birdpaw hissed. “ And guess what? He wants me to join them.”

The ground tilted under my feet. Joining? Did she know what madness she was speaking? The ginger she-cat began to move away, calling over her shoulder. “ Remember- you can’t tell anyone.” --- That moon was torment.

Birdpaw was in camp more often now, perhaps alerted to the suspicion she was creating. Every time I saw her, I was reminded of the lock encasing my tongue. I went out of my way to avoid her. She had to be stupid, thinking that joining rogues was her destiny. Nothing good came from rogues- yes, they had no code, but they also had no honor. Why would this Raika be any different?

And once she had Birdpaw, who knew what would happen? The Clan would think she was stolen- they’d go to war, and it would be a bloodbath.

I had to keep this secret. Perhaps the rogues weren’t planning on taking her at all, maybe it was all a trick. In which case I would be telling a lie, and I’d be (once more) viewed just as poorly as my father.

---

Still, I could not be idle on that day. It was obvious, really. Birdpaw’s eyes were brighter than usual, and there was a new spring in her step. I noticed quick glances sent between Birdpaw and her father. She, apparently, thought me oblivious. I was the opposite of that.

My eyes were on her constantly. I refused to react to several jeers thrown my way because I was solely focused on her every movement. I could not stop her, I knew, but I needed to see the rogues and be wary.

After our evening meal, I saw her slip away. Waiting for several heartbeats as to avoid suspicion, I followed.

She took much the same path as before, heading in the same direction. At the exact border she had been at a moon before, Birdpaw stopped and sat. I crouched in a bush a few fox-lengths away. My heart was leaping into my throat.

I was so alert I knew they were coming before they showed. A faint hint of sour scent, a crackle of frosty grass came from Birdpaw’s direction. They crawled out of the night like shadows, yellow eyes the only thing I could see clearly. I shivered. Birdpaw- as far as I could see- did not budge an inch.

And then I saw her. She walked with authority and arrogance, but she came as quietly as the rest. I saw the rogue stop in front of Birdpaw- and unlike the others, her eyes were a bright, sky blue.

As I watched the rogue I failed to see anything on her resembling ‘mother’.

She was carved out of stone, her fur was the color of dark brown mud. Her frame was skinny but the hunger on her face betrayed her appetite. And her eyes… greedy, searching, roaming in a way I did not like… what had Birdpaw done?

“ Mom?” Birdpaw said softly. “ It’s you.”

''Run. Turn back, you are making a grave mistake.''

Raika’s purr filled my ears. “ You are the daughter they kept from me.”

''You gave her up! Run, Birdpaw!''

“ Are you really my mother?”

In the deepest, darkest place of my heart, even I could see the resemblance.

“ Yes, my girl,” Raika said. “ We are the same, you and I. There is fire in us.” I watched in horror as Raika drew closer to Birdpaw. She rested her head on top of Birdpaw’s but there was nothing tender in her gaze.

“ Am I going with you?” Birdpaw said.

“ Yes, you are,” Raika purred. “ But first, I believe someone wants to say goodbye to you?”

My heart nearly stopped when I realized she meant me.

“ Badgerpaw?” Birdpaw noticed my scent and I had no option but to step out into the moonlight. The night was crisp and lukewarm, but I still shivered. Raika’s vulture eyes roamed me as if I were a piece of prey to eat. “ What- what are you doing?”

I lowered my head. “ I just-”

“ You said you’d keep my secret.”

“ I am!” I burst out. “ I just wanted to make sure you were safe.” Apparently I was good at telling lies as well.

Birdpaw’s eyes were soft when I raised my gaze to meet hers. “ You don’t have to worry about me. I found Raika.”

Don’t do this, I begged her with my eyes, but she didn’t understand. I refused to look at Raika, knowing she would very well see the suspicion in me if I made eye contact with her. This is an enormous mistake. What could I do? Confront Birdpaw? Raika would slit my throat. I had never hated myself more in the following moments where I stepped back and away, letting Raika swallow her. --- My only company on the way back were the chirping crickets, so my thoughts were allowed roam. The dread in my stomach would not go no matter how hard I reasoned with it. I had to do something- but what? My promise to keep Birdpaw's secret weighed heavily on my heart.

If being with Raika made her happy, how could I take that away from her?

Yes, although I hated Birdpaw and loathed her company, she had been with me for so long it was impossible to view her as an enemy. Perhaps with her spirit, zealous approach to life, and boundless energy, she had begun to win me over. Only friends keep these kinds of secrets... so perhaps we were friends.

In which case I should be happy for her. I should rejoice that she had found Raika, the mother she'd always wanted. But I was not as good as I considered myself, and her happiness was itching at me. Why had she found what I had always wanted? I despised the greed on Raika's face as she scanned our terrotiry. Birdpaw would fall into Raika's trap. She'd let important information slip, Raika would come back, and we all wouldn't survive another moon.

But you don't know that!

How can I be sure that I don't?

I closed my eyes and bit my tongue.

Raika would come and kill my whole Clan, and then it would be my fault. I could just imagine her vulture's eyes lighting with bloodlust as she tore her claws into all I held dear. I had to tell someone! I stopped, determined.

But...Birdpaw.

I was about to rip her life away from her. Her joy. Her family.

Why did I care?

Only friends keep secrets.

Yes, I care. I cared enough to follow her and worry about her. I care that she will not have to live with guilt for the rest of her life. If Raika attacks us, it will be her fault in her own eyes. This... this will be for her own good, for all of us.

''I am a traitor. Just like my father.''

I am no traitor, I said to myself, furiously. This isn't for my gain, it's for my Clan. I'm staying loyal to them. I'm staying loyal to ''everyone. '' --- There was to be no bloodshed. It would be a simple skirmish at the most- they simply wanted Birdpaw back before she could tell Raika everything.

I was not allowed to go. I don't think I would've gone if I could have.

As I watched my Clanmates leave, I knew deep down something terrible was about to happen. I had done something awful, but I could not comprehend.

Tail down, I headed to my den to sleep. --- StarClan cursed me with dreams. No, not dreams, reality.

Falling bodies were everywhere- blood was flying and so were screams, tearing apart the sky. I was frozen in horror, yelling for it all to stop. My legs were frozen, I couldn’t move, couldn’t stop the carnage that was all my fault… 

And then the vision spiraled out and into another. The trees were whipping by me so fast they became a continuous wall of green. I felt my heart burn and throb with terror, pure fear guiding my exhausted paws onwards. A brown cat was guiding me, Raika, and I knew instinctively who I was.

Birdpaw.

I turned my head for a fleeting glance backwards. The shouts and war cries tore at my ears. I could see cats fighting. Death waited in the air. My heart, and Birdpaw’s as well, twisted with sorrow and bitterness.

“ Badgerpaw,” she whispered, and the words came out of my mouth, too. “ Why would you do this?”

I had no choice! I mentally screamed at her. ''It was you or my Clan, I was a traitor either way. ''

“ He is a Clan cat,” Raika’s deep voice hissed from me. The pride in it was replaced with sourness. She, too, had lost everything. “ They only do things for gain.”

“ I was happy,” Birdpaw and I said together. “ It’s all gone.”

“ No, my girl,” Raika said. “ We still have each other. Let’s go, now, they are coming.”

''We still have each other. ''

Birdpaw forced me onwards in her frantic dash. There were Twoleg nests ahead- and if they reached the fence, there would be too many scents, and they would never be found.

And then something slammed into Raika and slammed into Birdpaw, too. I felt the world flip and turn, vision jarred as my head hit the ground. Noise and sight blurred together and I struggled to discern what was happening. As my eyesight cleared, Birdpaw screamed.

There was Raika, pinned to the ground by a warrior.

We still have each other.

In my heart of hearts I knew what I must do. I knew it with a certainty that flooded me like warm milk and sunlight.

My eyes flew open and I bolted from the den.

---

I followed the scent of my Clanmates, racing with my nose against the ground. (Birdpaw thrashed and screamed, pinned down by her own body. The tom holding Raika’s neck purred darkly. “ Your reckoning has come.”)

 I could hear their screams, now. My people. (Raika screamed and thrashed like she was having a fit).

There- that was Birdpaw’s scent, how many times had I followed her- and yes, there is Raika, and so much fear (“ My daughter must not see,” she said in a broken, empty voice).

I was running fast, so fast the wind cut at me, but was it fast enough? (Laughter. “ Why should I listen to you, filth? You die either way.”)

Here- this was where she stopped, in the dream. So close, so close. (Birdpaw screamed and thrashed her legs, stomach wrenching and chest heaving. The tom lowered his jaw to Raika’s neck. The she rogue closed her eyes. “ Look away.”)

There- the fence line, where Raika fell. Only a few lengths ahead- lengths that become oceans. (His teeth brushed her neck. The tom widened his jaws, slowly, carefully).

Are they near? My legs are moving in a blur because this is where everything bleeds together, my past, present, and future. ''(His teeth are tightening. Raika’s eyes close for the last time). ''

My chest is burning and my heart is numb with pain and fear. ''(Blood wells on the she-rogue’s neck). ''

And from the pain I find strength, a strength that will not abandon me. I am the fire that Birdpaw is, and I am the water that is me. The blood of the lions runs through me and I am of their pride. (Her vision fades).

I explode from the ground and slam into him. Both of us go tumbling to the earth. Pain explodes everywhere- a sensation that is sharp and burning.

(His fangs rip from her neck and settle somewhere else).

I am sprawled onto the earth- the world is spiraling out of my vision. It’s warm, where I’m falling. Warm and soft.

(The she-rogue takes a breath. Her eyes open)

Warm milk. Sunlight.

(There are two still forms in front of her)

Happiness.

(The she rogue and her daughter breathe- together, as they will do today and forevermore)