Talk:Seeing Red/@comment-17759525-20140919020216

I'm here to start commenting on stories for my contest~ (even though it's like really early and no one has more than a chapter or so written~)

SPOILERS

CHAPTER ONE

I really like the italicized piece at the very beginning. It's intriguing, and it's the type of thing that sets the mood for a story. Let's see if you can keep that mood up.

Ooh, Dovewing's kit has a secret power too. Or is she schizophrenic? Either way, Duskpaw seems like a very interesting character already. You might want to rethink putting so many descriptions all in the first paragraph, though. It makes the story seem rushed.

The description of the first spirit is interesting; I like the way she seems to be almost teasing Duskkit. Her littermate's little nickname for her is cute, too. I especially like the way that Dovewing seems genuinely concerned for her kit, and I'm wondering now if the cat is Cinderpelt. So maybe Duskkit has a unique connection with StarClan?

I feel really bad for Duskpaw. She seems really scared, and she's still so young - too young to be dealing with something like that, really. But that's what makes her an interesting character: she's not normal.

The flashbacks are cool, and it seems like foreshadowing when the cats that I assume are Hawkfrost and Tigerstar appear and everyone becomes covered in blood. Duskpaw'll have an interesting destiny, I can tell.

Grammar-wise you seem to be doing a good job so far, although there are a couple of paragraphs - mostly the non-flashback pieces - that feel just a little bit rushed. It's still a unique and interesting story, but maybe you could reconsider the way you're writing the pieces of the story that are in the present...? I don't know how to describe it, so I'm probably making much sense, haha XD

SPOILERS