Talk:The Traitor/@comment-17759525-20150816192240

(competition post)

SPOILERS

PROLOGUE

You’ve set up this story incredibly well. Your descriptions are good from what I’ve seen so far, and your characters are interesting as well.

One thing I will say: I don’t know that your note about Samantha’s collar saying her name is really all that necessary. I mean, cats can’t read, so while it’s important to note that she is, in fact, a kittypet, I wouldn’t say that the collar reads her name. I mean, you can keep it if you want, but that’s my two cents on the matter.

Shadow seems like an interesting cat. A bit stereotypical as far as the villain department goes, perhaps, but interesting all the same. Forcing Samantha to breed, to join her ranks – it’s definitely an interesting concept.

Aaaand all of a sudden, first person! Who is the speaker, I wonder…? Someone important, clearly, to have gained Shadow’s trust.

It’s definitely interesting how these cats – I presume they’re rogues – are treating their new member. The entire premise of this story is very intriguing; well done!

CHAPTER ONE

So the Clans do realize that there’s a spy in their midst.

Again, you have great descriptions here. This new cat, Hollypool, seems utterly depressed about the state of her life, which always makes for an interesting character.

Poor cats; they must all be so irritable and terrified, what with the rogues threatening their camp and their leader and the lack of sleep they all seem to be getting.

“We had the world” – that’s definitely an interesting statement; will it be explained later on, I wonder…? That Hollypool states that StarClan doesn’t exist anymore, too, spikes my interest. So I guess Hollypool is suicidal? Their living conditions must really be terrible… poor cat. All of her interactions with the other cats, who seem to be trying to keep her alive, just reinforce their misery. “It’s all uphill from here”… an interesting idea. I like that you have Mintwhisker quote this other cat; it tells the readers that there are still some cats who have hope, as well as informing us that these cats are littermates.

The segments showing Hollypool’s memories give great insight into how their lives used to be. It accelerates really quickly, going from a fairly friendly apprentice training bout to the middle of the war. It shows a lot about how Hollypool’s mind works, and how broken she really feels, as well as how much of her life she actually regrets.

“I wake up and I know this war has to end.” And will she be the one to end it, I wonder…?

CHAPTER TWO

A new cat’s point of view. A prisoner of war… how interesting.

And we’re back to Shadow’s camp! I like how it comes back around to where the prologue began. Maybe now some of the prologue’s mysteries will be explained.

Flightleaf’s heightened senses seem to be an interesting but unfortunate side effect of his capture. Here’s another cat who feels so dejected, as though life really has no meaning anymore.

The introduction of this new cat… She seems like a fighter. Perhaps she’ll convince Flightleaf to try to escape? Even Flightleaf’s name makes it sound like he can’t be grounded for long.

Demanding she-cat, this one. Interesting name choice, Samoa - I don’t know that I’ve ever seen it used for a cat’s name before.

“This is war.” She’s already accepted her lot in life, hasn’t she? Clearly, Samoa is a fighter.

It’s interesting how Flightleaf mentions Hollypool. It’s just another way that everything is slowly being tied together, even so soon into the story.

“And I let go.” Chilling last words. I can’t wait to read more :)

CHAPTER THREE

Another new point of view. I love the way you bluntly introduce this one – “and I am in agony.” Ohhh, it gives me shivers! <3

Poor cat; he must be scared. He even considers himself a coward… His interaction with Birchleap, too, is very interesting. Emphasized by the way that Mintwhisker quotes Birchleap at the beginning of the chapter, they seem to be good friends. I like how Birchleap helps ease the tension in Mintwhisker’s mind at the beginning of the chapter.

Interesting fight arrangement, too. “The warrior code no longer matters” – how broken is this society? They seem so cold and calculating while planning for this battle. Especially the leader – threatening her own cats with exile? Gosh, she seems mean…

This accelerates so quickly. It moves really fast, but not in a bad way – it’s the perfect pace for scenes like this. Very well done :)

CHAPTER FOUR

Another great chapter opening. But the speaker doesn’t seem to be too afraid of Shadow, not really. Again, another group of cats that seems harmoniously discordant. Ruthless, too – holy crud!

Wait. The speaker in this chapter is a spy! Ohhhh, this is getting really interesting! Very well done <3

'END SPOILERS