Talk:Seeking Revenge/@comment-25630395-20150901143948

competition post

okay I have limited time to be on today, so this comment is coming in sections of 3/

SPOILERS

PROLOGUE

This is an interesting concept! What would it be like to grow up in BloodClan?

So I like how you introduced the setting plus Shade's situation in the prologue. I felt like it was a little lengthy and felt like two chapters combined, but it was pretty effective in showing us the tough life Shade leads. Her interactions with cats show that she does let herself get walked over, instead of Scorch just telling us that.

I hate Scorch. I really do. I just know that his interests aren't the best for Shade's.

CHAPTER 1

This story has a real BloodClan-type feel to it. I feel bad for Shade who has no choice but to teach her kits how to fight.

Susan seemed pretty kit-like. She's not super mature, but she sounds kind of young and insensible, in the sense that she doesn't try and understand Shade, but only herself.

SCORCH GO AWAY >:| I knew he was going to ruin their lives. grrr.

CHAPTER 2

Oh um. Fighting.

It would have been better if you'd included Susan's reactions to the wounds that were inflicted on her, so it seemed more realistic, though I know her opponent had sheathed claws.

Nuuuuu Shade, don't die D: You were kind of cool. I liked your name.

And wow, what prompted Brick to say he was their father? Was he? I thought it was Scorch.

This is getting really good!

CHAPTER 3

I wonder what makes these cats hate those kits so much.

I like how you describe Susan, how she needs her brother and feels useless. I like the fact that you show it, and just don't say it.

I KNEW BRICK WAS LYING THE PIECE OF SHKSDFKSJDHGKJ. MEANIE.

Those flashbacks are pretty interesting. I wonder what shall happen next.