Talk:Untrusted/@comment-11493954-20140208054444

Ok, contest judging time.

That was spectacular! Those descriptions in the beggining drew me into the beggining, which is what I think was your purpose with them. However, they seemed a bit list-y, so I'm not sure if you'd want to make the sentences a little more varied in length. That would take care of that.

Speaking of descriptions, I found it a little awkward when you called Sootpaw "the mossy green eyed cat" or something similar. Creative way of skipping repeating her name too much, just I suggest making it slightly less long, like just "the green-eyed cat".

This went at a very well balanced pase- I like how you managed to fit descriptions in there as well as making the story keep up with events so that I was never bored or confused.

I also caught no spelling/grammar errors, so I won't be taking points off for that. :)

Some of these chapters were a little on the shortside, but it doesn't really matter.

Mousestrike's story was a sweet/sad one, and it was a good part to add into there. I suggest you make that story sort of into something that Sootpaw is telling akit, or is getting told by an elder. I just found it kind of sudden in the middle of the chapter with her just thinking all that.

That ending was certailnly not what I expected! I wouldn't think Mousestrike would go ahead and kill Sootpaw. Also, must hurt to be poor Sootpaw when her 'Mom' says that she doesn't believe Sootpaw is related to her.

However, I find the last sentence a bit unfinished of a place to leave off at. Perhaps say how the Clan ends up, and if Mousestrike reaches power?

Final score is going to be a 16/20. I loved this and the idea, but took a few points off for alittle awkwardness here and there. I also felt the end was a little too unfinshed/open ended.

Stupendous work! :)