Talk:The Beauty System/@comment-17759525-20151230023727

casually don't mind my absurdly long comment here

SPOILERS

…This might be a bit too early for blatant criticism (I’m sorry…), but the descriptions “my eyes playful” and “I groan” don’t quite seem to match up to me… unless she’s groaning sarcastically, or jokingly? (sorry I read stuff so critically)

ugh parents I can practically see the forbidden romance building already… XD and, what, there’s just a random pile of rose petals on the ground…? spoiled nobility (nO THAT’S GOOD it’s just random; is that their version of luxury…?)

Jeez, what a terrible division. A lot like every historical government system that ever failed, actually. (CROSSES FINGERS PLEASE FAIL JUST LET THEM BE TOGETHER ALREADY)

Why the heck is outward appearance their basis for judgment? That’s just asking for corruption to abound. Every villainous character ever is handsome/beautiful enough to catch the main’s heart (except you know those villains who aren’t but we don’t talk about them). And most mains are portrayed as common people (except when they’re not, but, again, that’s beside the point). Ugh… superficiality.

Oho, a border within the camp? That’s a new one.

“Miss” – another example of how you throw common human terms (turms I can’t spell) into a very non-human story. I don’t mind, really; I just think it’s interesting how that’s a part of your personal writing style.

…If your main visits Brownpaw as often as it seems she does, it seems odd for the border guards to be surprised that she’d be crossing over, but maybe that’s just me. Does she sneak out most of the time…?

(You do have a couple of little grammatical mistakes around this area – verb tense, subject/verb agreement… little stuff, really, but still.)

Oh. Wow. That got depressing quickly. “Last day” – it sounds so final…! I know it’s not meant to sound like an execution, but that’s kind of what it sounds like to me. Though I guess that’s probably what it feels like to the characters, so, it works.

“It’s a tradition for all Beauty members’ kits to enroll” – so, let’s keep the happy little perfect lineages going, don’t want to upset the spoiled brats. Ughhh. (NO I’M SORRY IT’S GOOD)

(“What a beauty I have here.” Ha! Methinks I spot a pun.)

The contrast in the descriptions here is great – how Amberpaw suddenly sees Brownpaw the way everyone else sees him. And then (hen…? keyboard why) there’s the description of Redstar, which just screams “I’M FABULOUS”. And more contrast: she towers over them but purrs warmly. I can’t decide if I should like or hate all these side characters you’ve thrown in here (all of which seem to have rather shallow personalities, which I’m pretty sure is the point).

…I also can’t tell if Redstar is trying to encourage them or if she’s just saying things out of obligation. (Of course their leader (leater? am I hungry?) would be a Beauty, though.)

And then there’s the bomb. “I expect to see you both…” How terrible! Let’s just force you to do something you don’t want to do. Oh, what’s that? You love your family? What a horrible idea; let’s just do away with love while we’re out it. Psh. But Brownpaw just agreeably agrees! Is he really that comfortable with his life??? How??? Why??? Don’t do it! I’ll rescue you! reaches into screen and hugs them both

…This is all rather grim, despite its glamorous appearance.

“If they lived in the Beauty, they wouldn’t be together” – why? Oh – ahey, my observation earlier was spot on. What a stupid rule, forbidding cats to love. Inevitably someone’ll come along someday and break tha- ''oh, wait.' ' The sadness! The horrible sadness! This is cruel! I can’t decide if I want him to go, where his future will inevitably lead him to be together with Amberpaw (no matter what those stupid Beauty cats say) or if I want him to stay because he needs to/he should/COME ONE LET HIM STAY. But at the same time, how could his father expect him to fail intentionally??? Even if he wants his son to stay, shouldn’t he be happy that he has the opportunity for a better life? (Except that all of the Beauty cats (minus Amberpaw) are superficial idiots and deserve to be run through the heart with a tree, but still.)

“Spacious den” – more contrast. Stupid divisions. Ugh. (Y’know, it’d be interesting to hear the story of how all this began.) I do think it’s interesting, though, that StarClan is still a concept in this stupid, twisted (MARVELLOUSLY WRITTEN AS ALWAYS) world.

“Sort out the flower petals” – ? What the heck…?

Redstar is good at towering over cats. “I AM A TOWER FEAR ME RAWR” (forgive me as I casually mock your characters)

Wait – they’re not a Clan? But aren’t they FireClan??? I’m confused…

Ahahahaaa, so someone does see all this for what it really is. Great. I have the weirdest feeling that Snowpaw is probably going to die.

“Rats”. Wow. That was rude.

No divisions? Huh. Somehow I get the feeling that that’s just something they say and not what they actually enforce. Ah – so this is another world of yours where it’s she-cats versus toms.

My most interesting observation about all this is that love is still allowed in the poor area. Seems like that’d be a terrible idea – makes ‘em stronger.

Cliffhangers! Great.

END SPOILERS