Talk:The Beauty System/@comment-24766822-20150816170032

SPOILERS Just… wow. Out of all the dystopian worlds created on this wiki, I think this is probably one of the most interesting and creative. WHERE DO YOU GET THESE AWESOME IDEAS, FIERY? I DEMAND TO KNOW! >:D Moving on, I think your pacing for this first episode was really pretty good. You didn’t rush too much, but you got straight to the point. You described the setting with a good bit of detail, introduced the characters quickly but efficiently, and once again I have to applaud your use of dialogue. The way the characters interacted with each other was believable.

I can imagine Redstar with a British accent. XD XD

Oh, and THIS LINE: “I expect to see you both in the group of cats going to the Beauty Academy,” Redstar smiles, “I don’t want to have to chase you down.” I mean, It’s clearly a threat, especially towards Brownpaw.

Not being allowed to love (which is absolutely HORRIBLE) kind of reminds me of The Giver, which is actually a book about another dystopian world. Was this story inspired by it at all?

I have only two complaints, and the first one is very small. The word ‘Alright’ isn’t really proper English, and you used it twice. In the future, ‘All right’ is more professional and proper than ‘Alright’. And also, the line: ‘’“Alright then, she-cats you stay here, and toms, follow Gorseheart and Thornstrike to your dens.”’’ Seemed a little bit awkward. I think this would have been better: “All right then. She-cats, you stay here, and toms, follow Gorseheart and Thornstrike to your dens.” But these are pretty small. Otherwise…

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GREAT WORK FIERY!!!!! IT’S A MASTERPIECE!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3