Talk:Chance/@comment-26432133-20170327042108

SPOILERS

CHAPTER ONE

Tansykit- wow, she's really interesting, especially that bit at the end. I love the contrast woven into this chapter of the sweet, sugary past and this apparently dark present- and even better, it's not shoved down the throat of the story. Yeah, we get this ominous feeling that Tansykit's future isn't gonna be very bright despite her happy kithood, yet it's not blatantly stated every single line.

One thing to note- "It's a battle so I can't go outside, not even to camp. My parents are out, fighting off BrightClan, and it's rumored to be a very, very serious one. Grayflower forbid me from exiting the den, and same for the other kits in the nursery as their parents fight." It sounds like Grayflower is still with there. Maybe add "Before she left, Grayflower forbid me from exiting the den, and same for the other kits in the nursery as their parents fight"??

Tansykit's jealousy of Petalkit is cool. Somewhat overused, but I'm perfectly fine with it. It barely qualifies as a cliche and it's very specific to the Warriors fandom. Her envy rather than happiness for her sister feels pretty real and valid.

CHAPTER TWO

aaaAAAAAAAAAAAA my English teacher has brainwashed me. Soon as I read about how Foxpelt didn't comfort Petalkit, I just heard her voice say "This speaks volumes about his character." sfuasfs once in English, always in English ;-;

Anyways, yeah, that part's pretty good. Yay for characterization!

Dang, the moment where Tansykit calls that dreamy rumor a lie. It just adds a great touch of darkness to the story. Also, Petalkit and her staring at the sky in awe. She's becoming a more and more interesting character as I read along. I have a feeling she's special, right?

I love the way you spun Lilyclaw and Foxpelt and Petalkit so well! This is much, much different, better, and way way more realistic and believable than Dovewhine and Ivypool.

This ties into the way Foxpelt just left Petalkit to cry and really gives the reader a good view on his personality. Nice job!

Small little corrections:

"Here," Berrystorm says, placing a paw on a sequoia. "I remember when I was her mentor, she loved training by this tree. She would've wanted to be buried here."

"elders and loved ones"

CHAPTER THREE

I love this so much holy cow?? "Strong cats don't cry." And "I deserve more." This is a really, really intriguing inside view of Tansykit. Fox, you write so well ahhhhh <3

Tansykit, that's called revenge. Serve it cold. Very, very cold.

About that forty- it feels a little more professional when you spell out your numbers. And according to my English teacher, there's also a rule that numbers 100 and below need to be spelled out. Just a heads-up.

Lightwind's question is very interesting. It gives the reader a question as well as the characters, so great job!

OHHHHHHHH THEORY

THEORY YES I LIKE THIS THEORY

Petalkit doesn't look like Grayflower or Foxpelt, Lilyclaw dotes on Petalkit, Lilyclaw was jealous of Grayflower...I bet you two chickens that Petalkit is Lilyclaw's daughter and hates Tansykit because she's Grayflower's daughter.

Correction:

"Why're the elders being so confusing" should be italicized.

END SPOILERS

Oh my flipping fudgesicles Fox I love this story soooo much!! It's really, really, really good, and I can't wait to read more!