User blog:SmudgyHollz/Creepy Racist Fred

Hello everybody!!

So. I feel awkward because I haven't been here for ages. Please let me explain my abscense.

19th July

On Thursday morning (although, because apparently it takes four hours for my family to leave the house, it was actually the afternoon) we set off to the Highlands! After a pretty amazing and surprisingly short car journey, we arrived at the chalets that we were to be staying in. Guess what the first thing we did when we got there was? Meet up with the rest of the family and go to Tesco. It was quite a big Tesco, but it was impossible to get lost because everybody split up and so there was at least one person that I knew down each aisle. My Grannie and my Great Aunty Janet kept shouting at each other from opposite ends of the shop. My Uncle Gavin thought it would be funny to run down an aisle with a trolley and pretend to crash into my Dad. It all went wrong when the ten bottles in his trolley tipped over and made a massive noise and people started staring at us.

That night, we met with Matthew (my Uncle Joe's best friend) and went for a meal at the Italian restaurant down the road. Matthew is really, really nice. I already knew this, but because he's my Uncle Joe's friend, I'm always surprised. His friends are all shockingly inappropriate. The meal all went well. Apart from my Grannie singing 'Hey Macaroni!' really loudly and more people turning to stare at us.

20th July

On Friday we went swimming in the morning. This time it was actually morning time. There was me, my brother, my sister, Mum, Dad, Grannie, Grandad, Uncle Gavin, Great Aunty Janet and Matthew. Uncle Gavin and Matthew left us to go to the gym but were out within five minutes because they were in their swimming shorts and everybody else was really muscle-y and had all the right kit. I was going to go on the flumes with Gavin, but the lady pulled the string across the stairs and told us we weren't allowed on. Also, I lost a contact lense.

We dropped off some people (Grandad, Gavin, Matthew) and picked up some people (Uncle Simon, Aunty Beccy and cousins Caitlin and Ryan) at the chalets. And then we went to the wildlife park. We safe some super cool tigers, funny monkeys and muddy polar bears. Unfortunately, we managed to miss out the wolves... :(

21st July

Friday was the day of the big event. The Wedding. My Uncle Joe and now-Aunty Emma's wedding.

We took a bus up to the train and then took the train up to the top of a hill. The view was amazing but it was freezing! Me and Emma's sister were bridesmaids, so we had to take the flower girls (my sister and Caitlin) up the aisle and then stand beside Emma. The service was really, really good. It was a humanist wedding, so there was nothing religious at all about it. Halfway through, it was so cold that Emma had to put on Joe's kilt jacket. Emma's sister got her Dad's jacket and Gavin gave me his. Then Matthew (who was their Best Man, if I didn't already mention that) couldn't undo the string that was tieing the wedding rings together. But after that was all over they 'Tied the Knot' and then they released two doves. That was pretty cool.

Pretty soon 'The Gay Guy (who was married with children)' announced that it was time for the meal, so we all went upstairs and took our seats. The speeches were really good! We made sure Matthew got the biggest round of applause because he's quite shy and seriously looked like he might cry. The food was amazing! Tattie and leak soup, followed by lamb with redcurrent and black pudding stuffing with hot chocolate cake for pudding. Doesn't sound that special, but it was so tasty!

Then it was the ceilidh! That was so fun! I did the 'Dashing White Sergeant' (or at least, I think that's what it was) with my Dad and Gavin. Then I made the mistake of agreeing to do 'Strip the Willow' with Jono. He kept telling me to lean back while he was spinning me! At least he was slightly better than George, who went the wrong way and started to spin all of the other men around! Unfortunately, Strip the Willow was the last ceilidh dance and then it was just random dancing. I did some weird spinny twisty dance with Great Uncle Ian, did a walk-very-slowly-around-in-a-circle dance with Grandad and then Matthew twirled me around a couple of times before I could escape.

It was really funny when we realised that it was just my family and that Spanish couple dancing. Matthew and my Dad were doing this weird marching dance and Jono just seemed to be jogging on the spot and singing really loudly!

Great Granny Moir and Gavin got so drunk. Granny Moir started asking the Minister if he would bury her because she really enjoyed the service! And Gavin... Well, Marc had to hold him up on the train. And Marc was the one who had been hiding in the corner doing Chewbacca impressions. Then Gavin went away with Jono who started pouring whiskey down his throat. He then walked away from Jono with a random Spanish lady and nobody could find him for a couple of hours. He got back to our chalet at eight o'clock in the morning and Matthew found his shoe in the middle of the road. He has no idea what on earth he did.

22nd July

At about four o'clock in the afternoon, it was quite sunny. My Dad and Gavin got excited and so went to Tesco and bought barbeque meat. As soon as they left the shop, it started to rain. They got back home and realised that they'd forgotten to tell anybody that they were having a barbeque and that they hadn't bought the actual barbeque. So I went back in the car with them.

We bought the barbeque and then went to go and find everybody to tell them about this barbeque. Everybody had gone swimming. So my Dad and Gavin stared into the swimming pool window and pointed at some guy shouting "Look, there's Dad! I can see Dad!!". Then the guy turned around and we saw that he had a ponytail. So we went into the reception bit of the swimming pool.

"We're lost!" my Dad said to the guy behind the desk.

The guy opened his mouth.

"Without our family!" my Dad quickly added. He went on to ask whether the guy had seen a lady in a wheelchair (Great Granny Moir) around anywhere.

The guy shook his head and sent us away from the swimming pool and past some hotel rooms to see if they were in the bar. They weren't in the bar. We walked around some more and then found everybody outside some building across the street. They'd already bought their own food, but they agreed to have some of our barbeque as well. As it was raining, we took Granny Moir in our car and everybody else went in my Grandad's car - apart from Alison who walked back with Granny Moir's wheelchair.

We went to the deck of the most sheltered chalet and started up the barbeque. It was very fire-y. After a while we realised that Alison wasn't back with the wheelchair yet. We also realised that me, my Dad and Gavin weren't the only one's who had asked if the 'Lady in the Wheelchair' was at the swimming pool.

Basically, three different sets of people had gone to the swimming pool reception and asked for the 'Lady in the Wheelchair'. And Alison was walking down the street alone with an empty wheelchair...

And now I'm back at home. For about a week and a half. Then I'm going off down to the West Coast. Fortunately there's internet in the house we're staying in.