Talk:Bloody Shadows/@comment-17759525-20150822164657

(competition post)

SPOILERS

PROLOGUE

It starts off, like, super calm and peaceful and beautiful… and then your word choice takes over, and the mood completely changes for the rest of the chapter. The words you use – “monsters”, “void”, “vicious”, etc. – really emphasize the ambiance that you’re trying to create with this story. Great job there :)

It’s such an interesting premise for a story; sure, anyone whose sibling was brutally murdered would want revenge on the cats who did it, but Shadow goes to such an extreme that it’s almost illogical. Is she insane, I wonder…?

You have incredible imagery here, with all of the things that she imagines, and – holy crud, she can cut rock? She has an interesting style of killing, picking off the lesser cats first and then lulling them into a false sense of security. The whole one-moon thing, too, is very interesting… so, each Clan loses one cat every four moons? I guess it would be easy to see why they haven’t figured it out yet, if the murders are so spread out.

(Your Shadow is such a far cry from my Shadow XD)

CHAPTER ONE

A step-by-step description. Interesting; you don’t get a lot of those from murderers XD Clearly, Shadow is an intelligent cat, and one who thoroughly plans out everything she does.

I like how she gets inside the camp. (Jungle cat!) And she’s a stalker, too? Wow, what a repertoire XD Does she spend the rest of the moon before the killing following her target, then?

Flashbacks. An interesting idea… and a massive hindrance to her work, I’d wager. Huh.

CHAPTER TWO

Ah, so we get some insight into her past here. Useful information, that. It seems like Shadow and Gorse were really close, and I feel like the line “I don’t know how I’d live without you” is, like, reverse foreshadowing or something.

So, Shadow can will herself out of the flashbacks…? Quite the interesting concept you’ve got here. I do feel bad for the medicine cat apprentice, though – waking up in a strange place, only to have a strange cat immediately kill you. How terrifying would that be? And if these are Clan cats, why haven’t the members of StarClan who were killed by Shadow warned the Clanmates they’ve left behind…?

CHAPTER THREE

So… there’s some kind of connection between Shadow and the Clans, then, if she’s been on good terms with them before now. I hope you explain this a little more in the future, because for now I’m not quite sure what all that’s supposed to mean.

She still has happy dreams? What a psychopath. (Forgive me for describing your character like that, but I think you already know that she is XD)

Woah! What the heck kind of dream is that? If she’s dreaming about killing her own brother, then…? Did she love him or not??? “And I really, really am.” It’s like some sort of twisted repentance for all of the horrible things she’s done, some kind of false atonement for the way she’s changed. Wow. That was chilling.

CHAPTER FOUR

Wait, was that a dream or a memory? Was she actually the one who killed him? I thought that was the Clans. Unless she’s just referring to her dream when she said that she killed him…? I’m confused…

Shadow really is patient; I’ll give her that. Isn’t she being a little reckless, though, killing the WindClan deputy in such an open area? Well, I guess no one noticed, somehow… but still.

Wow. You’re portraying the Clan cats as horribly callous. “We’re sorry for your loss, Harestar.” Like oh, hey, you just randomly lost your deputy, and I’ll just casually apologize rather than get upset over this brutal murder scene. Wow. Just… wow.

And yet she still manages to fall asleep at night…

END SPOILERS

Very, very well done! You do have a couple of mistakes here and there – a couple of typos, a couple of punctuation errors, and so on – but otherwise it’s incredibly well written. You should be proud of this story :)