Warrior Therapy

Hai! I thought after reading ALL those crackfics, that warriors need a therapist. Write a chapter if you feel like it. Edit & add on to chapters, too, unless the author says at the top not to. I'll list some ideas below. Mmkay!-- Leopardkit SunClan Forever! 03:40, March 30, 2010 (UTC)

'''If you want to reserve a character for later, go to the talk page. Please start them within the month. Oh, and all the unreserved characters are free to use, and you can do a charater that is NOT listed. I you plan on writing it now, just make a heading! Or work on the empty characters!'''

Remember, reservation are only if you want to work on it later! Just do one right now if you feel like it.

Leafpool
Anyone can edit, just stay NOT totally off topic.

Doctor Pathetic: Hello Everybody! I'm Doctor Pathetic! Today, we're here to work out the problems of our friend, Leafpool!

Audience: *applause unenthusiastically*

Dr. Pathetic: So, Leafpool, why does your life suck?

Leafpool: Well, Dr., One thing is that my mate was from another clan, not to mention I'm a medicine cat, my kits thought my sister was their mother, found out that I'm their mom, then my daughter tried to kill me, and she committed suicide (or so we assume, still waiting on word from the Erins)... Should I keep going on?

Dr. Pathetic: I get paid by the hour, keep talking.

Leafpool goes on rambling on about her problems while Dr. Pathetic listens to his iPod nano.

Leafpool: ... And that's why I need your help.

Dr. Pathetic: Uh, yeah. So, Leafpool, to help find the route of you problems, here's our guest- CROWFEATHER!

Audience: *Fangirls cheer on Crowfeather*

Crowfeather: Umm... I thought I was supposed to talk about my new book, Why does my Love Life Stink??

Dr. Pathetic: No. This gets way more viewers!

Leafpool: *Mauls Crowfeather*

Nightcloud: FAIL. You didn't even train as a warrior.

Leafpool: *Mauls Nightcloud*

Nightcloud: *shrieks* Crowfeather, SAVE ME

Crowfeather: Ummm... I'll pass. *Plays Doodle Jump*

Leopardkit: xD!-- Leopardkit SunClan Forever! 14:34, April 1, 2010 (UTC)

Hollyleaf
Hollyleaf is watching all this and goes back to Doctor Pathetic.

Hollyleaf: You all know how i worship the warrior code, like more than starclan?

Audience nods with scattered, "yeah"s

Hollyleaf: well i'm a half clan and my mother is a medicine cat!

Hollyleaf points accusingly at Leafpool while Doctor Pathetic is lisening to,"Party in the USA" and you can hear some of it

Doctor Pathetic: Oh yes i'm sorry what?

Hollyleaf: I mean how can i be even PART of the clans when my parents did this?

Hollyleaf goes on rambling while Doctor Pathetic puts his ipod on high and starts saying "Yeahhh, Party in the USA!"

You hear some of Doctor Pathetic's ipod going, "Now who's that chick with rockin' hips.."

Hollyleaf: I'm done with this!

Hollyleaf stalks out of studio, not before going over and smaking Leafpool and Crowfeather, then putting on her ipod and starts singing, "If you could see that I'm the one that understands you..!"

Cats: 0_0

Hollyleaf comes back in and takes Dr. Pathetic Ipod and samshes it.

Hollyleaf: Miley Cyrus is sssooo old! Justin Bieber is the new thing! What am I saying? He sucks!

I like it -- ♥Shine star♥  03:55, March 30, 2010 (UTC)

Crowfeather
This should be fun! -- ♥Shine star♥  22:57, March 31, 2010 (UTC)

Dr. Pathetic: And now for our next guest, Crowfeather!


 * Fan girls scream his name and go, "Crowfeather! I love you!"

Crowfeather: Can I just ask one thing?

Dr. Pathetic: I get paid by the hour so by all means go on!

Crowfeather: Where the heck did you get a cat trap and a teleporter?

Dr. Pathetic: Well we had to get you here somehow, didn't we?

Crowfeather: Um, okay force is a option.

Dr. Pathetic: Its the ONLY option if you wanna get something done! *says brightly*

Crowfeather: Yeah.... so as i was saying, Why didn't Leafpool stay with me?

Leafpool: *suddenly appears thrashing in a net* OMG HELP! STUPID CAT TRAP!

Dr. Pathetic: And for our surprise guest, Leafpool!

Crowfeather: .... That's how I arrived

Leafpool: * Is let out by men in white suits* Crowfeather! -Fan girls scream at Crowfeather's name- *gasp*

Crowfeather and Leafpool: *at the same time* I'm otta here!

Dr. Pathetic: *snaps fingers and suddenly a cage falls on the pair of cats and they are wheeled back onto set*

Leafpool and Crowfeather: Hey! Let me out!

Dr. Pathetic: *ignors* So we wanted you here for some couple therapy. With the help of our studio audience for questions!

Audience: *cheers*

Leafy and Crow: WHAT?!!?!?!

Audience member: Why didn't you just stop being a medicine cat Leafpool and go join Windclan or have, Crowfeather -Fan girls scream at Crowfeather's name- join Thunderclan?

Crowfeather; I refuse to answer!

Leafpool: As do I!

Dr. Pathetic: We'll we offered Firestar and Onestar a load of fresh-kill so I'm afraid you must answer.

Leafy and Crow- !!!!

Leafpool- Fine! I love being a medicine cat and my clan needed me! And i could never leave my mother,father, and sister!

Crowfeather- I couldn't join Thunderclan *quiets down for a second* Leafy (gasp pet name) may be nice but the rest of Thunderclan, Nuh-uh!

Leafpool- Okay we answered a question, now can you let us out!

Dr. Pathetic: Maybe later, were going to have a bidding war for a month with you!

Leafpool and Crowfeather- WHAT!?!?! @*$#!#%%#!!!

Dr. Pathetic: We offered your leaders medicine supplys and more fresh-kill and a kitty-cat bed each, they could do without you.

Dr. Pathetic: First for bid, Leafpool! *snaps fingers and leafpool is suddenly in her own cage high above the bidders for a clear view*

Person: 100 dollars!

Person: 150!

Person: 200!


 * goes on until 1,000 then is sold*

Dr. Pathetic: Next up, Crowfea- *fan girls scream and dive for their purses*

Girl- 1,000!

Girl- 2,000!

Leafpool- Oh come on!

Girl- 1 MILLION! I LUV MY CROWFEATHER!

Crowfeather- I'm kinda scared right now...

Dr. Pathetic: Sold!


 * Crowfeather and Leafpool are sold for a month*

I really don't know, it came to me, I think I'll do a story on bidding wars for clan cats! -- ♥Shine star♥  22:57, March 31, 2010 (UTC)

Graystripe
Dr. Pathetic: And now for, Graystripe!

Crowd: *cheers*

Graystripe: it's great to be here Doctor, And I'm so glad-

Dr. Pathetic: *had I-POD on* IF YOU COULD SEE THAT I'M, THE ONE WHO UNDERSTANDS YOU-!

Graystripe: Doctor!

Dr. Pathetic: BEEN HERE ALL ALONG, oh yes sorry?

Graystripe: *rips out I-POD and throws it to the crowd*

Crowd: *Franticly tries to grab the I-POD Graystripe touched*

Graystripe: Now onto me, I mean my love was the DAUGHTER of another clan's leader!

Crowd: *gasp*

Fan girl: I'll love you Graystripe!

Graystripe: no thank you...

There is a knock on the door and suddenly Silverstream, Feathertail, and Stormfur walk in, with Millie who is now Silverstream's BFF and now only think's of Graystripe as a "good friend" :P.

Graystripe: *studders* ''Silversteam!? Feathertail?!!?'' Stormfur you're already alive, your not that big of a deal but your back from the moutains! YAY!

Stormfur: I'm Storm that was called to the Mountains now, Dad, Stormfur for short.

Graystripe: A tribe name, I'm impressed

Storm that was called to the Mountains: You should be!

Dr. Pathetic: Yeah you all realize I'm here right?

Crowd shouts, "BOO!" and pelts him with rotton fruits because he interrupted.

Dr. Pathetic: OW! OKAY! POINT TAKEN!

Graystripe: Come on kids, mate, and BFF, lets go!

They all leave

Dr. Pathetic: We'll thats all the time we have!

Stage Crew Guy: But we have another 15 minutes...

Dr. Pathetic: SHH!!

LOL- -- ♥Shine star♥  02:19, April 3, 2010 (UTC)

Breezepelt
Dr. Pathetic: Alright, Breezepelt, ve vill start vis ze free association. I vill say a vord, und you vill say the first vord zat pops into your head. (A/N: For this chapter, the therapist will have a German accent, 'cuz it's cool. ^^ Raven Randomness! )

Breezepelt: Okay.

Dr. Pathetic: Crowfeazer.

Breezepelt: Hatred.

Dr. Pathetic: Nightcloud.

Breezepelt: Smother.

Dr. Pathetic: Heazertail.

Breezepelt: [response cannot be printed due to this story's family-friendly nature! Yay! :D]

Dr. Pathetic: Um, I said vichever vord first pops into your head, not vichever stream of curses!

Breezepelt: -sighs- This is getting nowhere. I'm out. -heads for door-

Dr. Pathetic: -blocks exit- Look, I agreed to do zis for a cat, even zo I vill not be paid, out of ze goodness of my heart und ze fact zat zis is tax-deductible. NOW SIT YOUR FUZZY BUTT DOWN UNTIL ZE SESSION IS OVER!!!!!!!!! -foams at mouth-

Breezepelt: -mutters, sits in chair-

Dr. Pathetic: Hm. Since I cannot prescribe Prozac for a cat, your treatment vill be to kill Jayfeazer und Lionblaze.

Breezepelt: What about Hollyleaf?

Dr. Pathetic: She's alive? Anyvay, you vill kill zem vis zees telepathy helmet. It is a miracle of modern psychology zat projects mentalic fields so zat you can asplode heads visout leaving your home. Zis is only ze prototype, vich only vorks on heads ze size of cats. -puts it on Breezpelt-

Breezepelt: Uh... it's a colander.

Dr. Pathetic: It is a telepathy helmet if you believe hard enough.

Breezepelt: -believes harder- Oh! I get it now! It is a telepathy helmet! -concentrates-

Dr. Pathetic: Um, Breezepelt-

Breezepelt: -concentrates some more- Thanks, doc! -saunters off-

Dr. Pathetic: Vat have I done? Oh vell, I get a tax deduction out of it.

MEANWHILE, IN THUNDERCLAN TERRITORY!

Lionblaze: Hey, Jayfeather, did you see that rabbit's head asplode? It was right next to us and everything!

Jayfeather: Well, of course I didn't see it-

Lionblaze: Oh, shut it. Wouldn't it be funny if it were someone trying to telepathically asplode our heads, only they aimed wrong? Wouldn't it?

Jayfeather: Now you have been watching too much TV. Let's go home.

Darkstripe
Dr. Pathetic: Welcome, Funkystripe.

Crowd: BOOOOOO!!!!

Darkstripe: NO. My name is DARKstripe.

Dr. Pathetic: Ok, Graystripe.

Graystripe: HEY!!

Darkstripe: No. DARKstripe.

Dr. Pathetic: What's the difference?

Darkstripe: (Cannot be shown because this is a G-rated spoof)

Dr. Pathetic: Stop that, Smellystripe.

Darkstripe: I'm OUT of here! (Runs off stage)

Mossstar: Add on to this! Mossstar of FireClan I change my siggie way too often.13:16, July 25, 2010 (UTC)

Dr: Pathetic: Er, commercial break!

COMMERCIAL:

Zaffie: BANANAS! '''(A.N. =) luff you as a friend zaffles! Yes, Zaffles!)'''

Leopardkit: Zaffles: Part of this nutritious breakfast!

AND WE'RE BACK!:

Darkstripe (caught in net): BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP you, Dr. Pathetic!

Dr. Pathetic: Now, Now, Skunkstripe, kits are in the audience!

Kits: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

-- Leopardkit SunClan Forever! 04:32, August 16, 2010 (UTC)

Tigerstar
Doctor Pathetic: Hello! I'm back again with a new guest! Say hello to Tigerstar everybody!!

Audience: *boo!*

Dr. Pathetic: So, Tigerstar, why are you here today?

Tigerstar: First my father left the Clan to be a kittpet. I mean, what an embarrassment! Then my sisters, Nightkit and Mistkit died and then after that my mother Leopardfoot died. Everything was going fine after that but then I killed the deputy without really thinking it through. After that Firepaw came. He worked out that it was I who murdered Redtail and so I figured that if I killed Bluestar than it wouldn't matter if they knew. Unfortunately Fireheart got me exiled...


 * rambles on about the other terrible things he's done*

Dr. Pathetic: Wow, Tigerstar! You are the most horrible patient I have ever met! Get lost!

Tigerstar: But can't you help me?

Dr. Pathetic: You're beyond help! No go! I don't want you terrifying my audience!

Tigerstar: You're pathetic, Dr. Pathetic! This show is terrible!

Dr. Pathetic: Why thank you!

Tigerstar: That was an insult, idiot!

Dr. Pathetic: Why thank you! I borrowed them from Firestar!

Tigerstar: What? Huh?

Dr. Pathetic: Yes, he's got loads!

Tigerstar stalks out.

Dr. Pathetic: I prefer navy...


 * goes on not noticing that Tigerstar has gone*

Feathertail: RESERVED
Artimas, all yours!

Thanks!

Doctor Pathetic: Welcome Feathertail!

Feathertail: Hi.

Dr. Pathetic: Now, you don't seem like you have ANY problems what soever.

Feathertail: No, not really-

Dr Pathetic: Then get out.

Feathertail: -but I have a really juicy confession to make.

Dr Pathertic: *perks up* OHHH!!!! WHAT!!!!????

Feathertail: Well, I'll leave, you just told me to.

Dr. Pathectic: NO!!!! That was just....a typo!

Camera Man: How can it be a typo if you said it?

Dr. Pathetic: Hahhahaha! Stay Feathertail! *out of corner of mouth* Shut up Phil!

Feathertail: Well, I've always acted very nice and good because I really do love Crowfeather. He's just so sweet and awesome and....well, ya know. And I wanted him to be happy so I told Leafpool to be with him. Nightcloud, I don't really care cause no one (Including crowy) likes her. But Leafy totally betrayed me and now I hate her!

Dr. Pathetic: Oh!!!! Juicy. And I agree! Leafpool is totally-*Leafpool throws beer can at his head.*....so here's Crowfeather!

Crowfeather: I really like you Feathertail! You're my faveorite! Leafy is a baby and Nighty has BO worse then Tigerstar!*Leafpool sobs and runs out and Nightcloud sniffs herself, then falls over, dead from BO poisoning.*

Feathertail: Really?

Crowfeather: Yeah! The whole time with Leafy, the Erins wrote my lines on my paw so I had to read it. But with you it was the real thing.

Dr. Pathetic: This is so sweet! OK, shows over. *to Crowy and Feather* OK get out.

Feather and Crowy: *Moon over each other*

^^ -- Bramblepath Brightshadow is mine! 20:53, April 1, 2010 (UTC)

Tigerstar (again ^^)
This thing is addictive. So here's another one!

Dr Pathectic: And out next guest is...AHH!!! IT'S TIGERSTAR!!!! CALL THE COPS!!!!

Random Guy: Hey! Look at our ratings! They soared!!

Dr. Patic: Call off the cops! OK, Tigerstar. what's wrong with you?

Tigerstar: I have a stalker. He waddles like a duck.

Dr. Pathetic: Who'd be that-hey! A duck? What kind of duck?

Tigerstar: A very fat one. His name is Darkstripe. He would follow me around no matter HOW much I threatened to kill him! What's wrong with him???

Darkstripe: *comes in* I heard that! *Cats fight*

Dr. Pathetic: Uh...

Random Guy: Hey! Lok at our ratings! They just went way down!

Dr. Pathetic: AHH!!!!! TURN IT OFF!!! NO-*click*

-- Bramblepath Brightshadow is mine! 22:00, April 1, 2010 (UTC)

Brokenstar
Dr. Pathetic - And now we have...Brokenstar.

Brokenstar-...hi.

Dr. Pathetic- So, I assume you want to talk about your getting banished, or your mother or-

Brokenstar- Actually no. I wanted to tell you that for some reason, I can't stop liking kittens! They seem so cute and funny now and I hate it! I liked being evil! I think it's because I stole some popcorn from the StarClan fridge.

Dr Pathetic- ...well...

Brokenstar- WAIT!!! The homicidal urges...THEY HAVE RETURNED!!!! YAY!! *Starts mauling people*

Dr. Pathetic- OMG!!!! Ah! Evacuate!

Brokenstar- DIE!

Dr Pathetic- Why are you looking at me? No! Stop! Oh my-


 * ) We are having technical difficulties. Please try again. :)

Nothin to good. i like the part where Broken goes 'The homicidal urges...they have returned!!' LOL -- Cloudysun They will pay... 22:10, April 25, 2010 (UTC)

Onestar
Dr. Pathetic: (very bruised, scratched, and bloody. About half the crowd remains.) WELCOME BACK! Just to let you know, we have a very reasonable amount of band-aids in the lobby. Help yourselves. Anyways, here we have Onestar.

Onestar: WHY AM I HERE? I AM PERFECTLY NORMAL!

Dr. Pathetic: (waggles finger) Well, the rest of our crowd voted that you should come here, due to some problems you had. Also, caps lock can make people think you're yelling, so please don't use it.

Onestar: I AM YELLING!

Dr. Pathetic: Tsk Tsk, naughty kitty. Anyways, after you became leader, you changed. You and Firestar went waaaaaay back, and now you're just acquantices.

Onestar: It's a love/hate relationship.

Dr. Pathetic: Mmm-hmmm. And directly after you were appointed leader, a rebellion was led against you. However, nobody ever saw you in the battle.

Onestar: I was there!

Dr. Pathetic: Exactly where is there?

Onestar: There was where, which is not here, but rather, it there.

Dr. Pathetic: You are trying to confuse me. It's not working. I'm out of iPawds, so you have my full attention.

Onestar: Fine, I was hiding in a bush, watching Leafpool and Crowfeather.

Dr. Pathetic: Why didn't you help them?

Onestar: Because nobody cares about Leafpool!

Dr. Pathetic: We just had an entire therapy session with her. AND Crowfeather.

Onestar: And then you bidded her off for a thousand dollars to somebody who probably just wanted to maul her.

Dr. Pathetic: Errr, commercial break!

Leopardspot: And that's what REALLY happened! Leopardspot  Where's my Fireclaw? 18:41, May 22, 2010 (UTC)

Spottedleaf
Dr. Pathetic: Hello, people of Portugal, Jupiter and Wisconsin! Today, we're focusing on Firestar's relationship issues! So, welcome SPOTTEDLEAF!!

Audience:*cricket, cricket*

Spottedleaf: Um, hello?! I was ThunderClan's medicine cat, for StarClan's sake! Besides, I don't have issues-

Audience: YES, YOU DO!

Spottedleaf: WELL!

Dr. Pathetic: We were sent a note that you might need our help. By a user named "Sandy+Fiyah4everr123". Nice name.

Spottedleaf: What did I do wrong? I only like, deliver prophecies-

Dr. Pathetic: THAT'S the reason! All you do is deliver prophecies! Aren't cats like Bluestar and Yellowfang more centralized characters than you?

Spottedleaf: Well, I died first, and Firestar LOVED me, so...

Dr. Pathetic: Sounds like a case of Erin manipulativeness.

Spottedleaf: *cries*

Audience: *munches on popcorn*

Spottedleaf: LEAVE BRITTANY ALONE!!!!!!!!!

Dr. Pathetic: All right, who stole the Erin controller this time??

Security guards: *drag away a crazed Sandstorm*

Audience: o_0

Dr. Pathetic: Wow, this is creative!

Leopard: Thanks! Want saltwater taffy?

Dr. Pathetic: Don't mind if I do.

Leopard: Minding.

Dr. Pathetic: =(

Leopard: =D -- Leopardkit SunClan Forever! 19:11, July 6, 2010 (UTC)

Mistystar: RESERVED
Wetty! *huggles*

Cinderpelt: RESERVED
Clover's!! =)

Nightcloud: RESERVED
Mossstar! You've got loads of material to work with! =)

Leopardstar
Dr. Pathetic: Hi everyone! Yeah we are back with LEOPARDSTAR!

Leopardstar: WHAT AM I DOING HERE I DON'T NEED ANY HELP I AM AWESOME.

Dr. Pathetic: errrr....yeah

Leopardstar: (PLEASE STAND BY)

Camera Man: Oh great now we have to change the rating to 12 moons and older

Kits: Awwww

Dr. Pathetic: Anyway, Leopardstar, you are OLD no offence

Leopardstar: Yeah no offence :P

Dr. Pathetic: Anyway we have a special guest, Mistystar!

Mistystar: Yo

Dr. Pathetic: So, Mistystar do you think Leopardstar needs help

Mistystar: (sweating and panicing) uhhhhhhhhh umm.....no?

Leopardstar: Seeeee!

Mistystar: Okay she does

Leopardstar: (PLEASE STAND BY)

Camera Man: Okay now it's 36 moons and older

Some young warriors: Awwwwwww

Dr. Pathetic: Uh okay, that's all the time we have!

Leopardstar: You mouse-brain I DONT NEED HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Camera Man: K now no one can watch until our new season in spring.

Senior warriors: awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

♥  Spottedleaf   ღ  ❤ⓛⓞⓥⓔ❥ 02:44, February 12, 2011 (UTC)

Jayfeather:
Dr. Pathetic: So Jayfeather, (sighing) whats your issue? Please, feel free to droan on and on and on and on, I get paid by the hour so, knock yourself out!

Jayfeather: Well (Pause for dramatic effect,) I'm sick and tired of everyone treating me like some usless, helpless, annoying kit...

kits: HEY!

Jayfeather: And I'm sick of it!

Dr. Pathetic: And your telling me this why???

Jayfeather: (Ignoring,) And I've also been hidden behind lies! Even the one about Crowfeather and Leafpool!

Audience: OOOhhhhhh (girls squeal!) Oooohhh Crowy!

Dr. Pathetic: Haven't we covered this before?

Jayfeather: (Still ignoring,) And and and then she expects me to forgive her?!!

Dr. Pathetic: (Sighs, as Jayfeather droans on and on!)

Jayfeather: But! What about Hollyleaf! My own sister!

Berrynose
Dr. Pathetic: Hello, everybody! I'm back from rehab early- again

Stage Crew Lady: Uh.... Doctor? You''re reading the wrong script. That's for Lindsay Lohan!''

Dr. Pathetic: Oh, yeah! *restarts* Hello, everybody! I'm back from the insane house again! Man, we had a wild party, with Kool-aid and everything...

Stage Crew Lady: Dude, our ratings our down! Stop talking about your life story!

Dr. Pathetic: Oh... uh.... BERRYNOSE! Yeah, he's our guest today. That lump of cream that everybody has a hate/love relationship with! I could just eat him up!

Stage Crew Lady: Not real cream! He's cream-colored!!! Really, did you even prepare for the episode? Like how the author of this is not preparing for her science quiz tomorrow?

Dr. Pathetic:......Um... Here's Berrynose! *audience claps*

Honeyfern Fan #8: Berry! You were like, totally better off with Honey-hon, than her fat sister, Poppyfloss

Poppyfrost: What the heck! Poppyfloss??

Berrynose: I luv you Poppers! *touches noses and purrs*

Audience: *dies from fluffiness*

Leopard: Uh... Let;s get back on topic! *rewinds*

-- Leopardkit SunClan Forever! 05:54, November 30, 2010 (UTC)

Special Edition: Firestar!
Let's make this the best 20th edition!!! =D

Brightheart
Brightheart: So, where should I start. I know. It took me so long to become an apprentice!

Dr. Pathetic: Okay...now tell me what you think about this.

Brightheart: Stupid Bluestar...she didn't let me! Why does she need to take her mental problems out on me?!?!

Dr. Pathetic: Why don't we bring her here.

(Bluestar comes out)

Brightheart: Your dead!

Bluestar: I lied to Erin Hunter. I really had three lives left after the rat attack.

Brightheart: Okay, fine. I'll just kill your last life now.

(Brightheart kills Bluestar)

Brightheart: That really helped. Thank you Dr. Pathetic.

Dr. Pathetic: Thanks. Go on.

Brightheart: Okay, Swiftpaw and I went looking for the dogs back when I ws buetiful.

(Cloudtail jumps on stage)

Cloudtail: Your still buetiful to me!

Brightheart: Shut up. Anyway, I was mauled by dogs. And if that pain wasn't enough, I got scarred. Now I am ugly.

Dr. Pthetic: Yes you are.

Brightheart: No one asked you! Anyway, after I got mauled by dogs, Bluestar named me lostface. I mean the nerve of that-

(Beeping noise)

Dr. Pathetic: Well we are out of time.

Cloudtail: Wait...there is one more thing I want to say.

Dr. Pathetic: What?

Cloudtail: YOU CALLED MY MATE UGLY!!!!!!!

(Cloudtail and Brightheart maul Dr. Pathetic then walk away)

Super  Whitestar  01:32, February 7, 2011 (UTC)

Whitestorm
Dr. Pathetic: So what's your problem?

Whitestorm: I have only one problem. It took me so long to become deputy!!!

Dr. Pathetic: Well you became deputy. Thats better then most people.

Whitestorm: I know but Firestar was chosen over me. I mean...I'm a senior warrior! Come on!

Dr. Pathetic: Then why don't we bring Firestar here.

(Firestar comes up)

Firestar: I'm sorry, Whitestorm.

Whitestorm: So you should be. Since I should have been deputy, you will now call me Whitestar because when Bluestar died, I would have become leader! You are now Fireheart!

Fireheart: What?! He can't do that!

Dr. Pathetic: Uhhhh....yes he can.

Whitestar: Now my problems are solved! Yaaaaay!

(Whitestorm runs off)

Dr. Pathetic: Well thats it for now!

Fireheart: I think I need therapy next.

Super  Whitestar  01:32, February 7, 2011 (UTC)

Mossypaw

 * Walks into room*


 * stage music stops*

Dr. Pathetic: Well, hurry up! I don't have all day here!

Mossypaw: *offended look* Well, I am really ticked off at my parents. I mean, Mossypaw? Why the extra why on the end? What should I do? Get myself mauled like that ugly Brightheart so they change my name?

Dr. Pathetic: Your parents are dunderheads.

Mossypaw: Well, duh! Someone understands! Now, what should I do?

Dr. Pathetic: I don't know. Kill your parents.

Mossypaw: Now there's an idea...


 * walks slowly off stage, muttering about ways to kill her mother and father...*

By Nightfern Merry Christmas 23:48, December 15, 2010 (UTC)

Lionblaze
Lionblaze: Why the heck am I here? I don't have any problems.

Dr. Pathetic: Ah, thats where your wrong. *Holds up papers* Here it says that you can take on any warrior that is dumb enough to attack you...and win. I say thats pretty messed up. You beat full-grown cats when you were only an apprentice. What do you say to that?

Lionblaze: Uh...I'm special?

Dr. Pathetic: *under breath* You sure are...

Lionblaze: What was that? *Unsheathes claws*

Dr. Pathetic: Nothing, nothing. Now, there is something else bothering you... About someone named, oh, I don't know... *cough* Heathertail *Cough cough*

Lionblaze: Geez, doctor, you sound sick. Why don't you cure yourself, if your a doctor.

Dr. Pathetic: Between you and me...I'm not a doctor.

Audience member #1: POSER!!!!

Dr. Pathetic: Aw man. No no, no one here is a poser

Audience member #2: GET HIM!!!!

Dr. Pathetic: Uh...Lionblaze, so what about this...Heathertail chick?

Lionblaze: Ok, ok! I admit it! I need therapy!

Dr. Pathetic: Please explain, so the audience doesn't kill me

Lionblaze: Gladly. So, I keep getting these funky dreams.

Dr. Pathetic: Funky?

Lionblaze: Yeah, funky. You see, I used to be best friends with this chick named Heathertail. THen she became my enemy, and ever since then, I get these dreams...

Audience member #3: SPIT IT OUT!!!!

Lionblaze: No need to shout. You see, I always get these dreams now, where she's laying dead at my paws. And you know who killed her?

Dr. Pathetic: Why, no.

Lionblaze: I did!!!! I killed her!!!!

Dr. Pathetic: Thats messed up, man. But you wanna know who's even more messed up?

Lionblaze: Uh... Miley Cyrus?

Dr. Pathetic: Nope. This guys even more messed up. Its -


 * Justin Bieber runs in with a chainsaw in his hands. Audience screams and scatters*

Justin Bieber: AND I WAS LIKE BABY, BABY, BABY, OOOOH. BABY, BABY, BABY, NOOOOO!

Dr. Pathetic: Who let her out of her crazy cell?!? Stage crew guy!!!!

Stage crew guy: Yeah?

Dr. Pathetic: Who let the creep out of the crazy cell and gave her a chainsaw??!

Stage crew guy: Oh, I did.

Dr. Pathetic: WHY?!?

Stage crew guy: She asked me to

Dr. Pathetic: Oh, ok

Lionblaze: OMG ISH JUSTIN BIEBER!!!!

Justin Bieber: Aw, look, a cat. I always wanted one

Lionblaze: KOOL! HIT IT, JUSTIN!!!

Justin: I JUST NEED SOMEBODY TO LOOOOOVE.

Lionblaze: I, I DON'T NEED TOO MUCH, JUST, SOMEBODY TO LOVE.

Both: I JUST NEED SOMEBODY TO LOOOOOVE!!!!

Dr. Pathetic: Uh...comercial break!!!!

Gingertail: O_O LOL!!! - Ginger 19:00, February 6, 2011 (UTC)

Skyleap: Oh really? JB? I hate her! *puts earplugs in* Better! -- ♥  Spottedleaf   ღ  ❤ⓛⓞⓥⓔ❥ 02:53, February 12, 2011 (UTC)

Bluestar
Dr. Pathetic: Now what is your problem, Bluestar?

Bluestar: Well first, my sister died.

Dr. Pathetic: So? No one really likes Snowfur.

Bluestar: Yes they do!!!

Dr. Pathetic: Don't hurt me or I'll call security!

Bluestar: Fine! Second, I fell in love with Oakheart and had his kits. And one of them died so early! (Crys.)

Dr. Pathetic: Well, who cares about the kit. He was just a tiny kit.

Bluestar: Never talk about my kit that way!

Dr. Pathetic: Okay, okay.

Bluestar: Third, I went insane.

Dr. Pathetic: So that's why you were so angry at me. Now let's talk about your dumb sister, useless kit, and treturous mate.

Bluestar: How dare you talk about my family that way!!! I will kill you!

Dr. Pathetic: Security! I have an insane cat here! Please help me before she kills me!!!

(Security comes in and drags Bluestar away.)

Dr. Pathetic: I'm glad that's over.

Mistytar: You insulted my mother, sister, father, and aunt. I will kill you for this!!! (Mauls Dr. Pathetic.)

Super  Whitestar  01:40, February 7, 2011 (UTC)

Dustpelt
Dr. Pathetic: Alright our next patient is... *Looks at papers* oh noooo.....

Stage Crew Guy: Somethin wrong, Doc?

Dr. Pathetic: WHO THE **** SIGNED DUSTPELT UP?!?

Stage Crew Guy: Uh...I think it was his mate Ferncloud...she said she was tired of him getting her pregnant with his kits all the time cuz she was done with the nursery, so she sent him here to get his..uh.."problems" sorted out.

Dr. Pathetic: Greaaaat. Alright, send him in.

(Dustpelt is lured on stage with a hunk of steak)

Dustpelt: Ooooh, that looks GOOD!

Dr. Pathetic: You want some steak sauce with that?

Dustpelt: What?

Dr. Pathetic: Never mind. Anyways, lets get down to buisness. How many kits do you exactly have, Dustpelt?

Dustpelt: Four.

Dr. Pathetic: Dustpeeeelt?

Dustpelt: OK, seven. Birchfall, Spiderleg, Shrewpaw, Hollykit, Larchkit, Icecloud, and Foxleap

Dr. Pathetic: Dang, man! You got it going ''on! What, are you aiming for your own Cheaper By The Dozen ''show?

Dustpelt: (Stares at the steak in his paws) Err...

(Sandstorm rushes in)

Sandstorm: Dustpelt, are you going to keep me waiting all - (cuts off when she sees Dr. Pathetic and the cameras) You on another talk show about your problems with Ferncloud?

Dr. Pathetic: Another?!?

Dustpelt: OK, yes! I was on the Dr. Phil show!!! But that nutcase couldn't help me one bit!!!

Dr. Pathetic: So where exactly does Sandstorm come into this?

Dustpelt: Uh... Leafpool and Squirrelflight aren't exactly Firestar's kits...there mine.

(Firestar and Ferncloud apear)

Firestar and Ferncloud, point at old mates: LIAR!!!!

Dr. Pathetic: You have NINE KITS?!?

Sandstorm: Not exactly... they're not your kits, Dustpelt. They really are Firestar's.

(Firestar grins and he and Sandstorm leave)

Ferncloud: I give birth to your seven kits AND sign you up for therapy to help you, and this is the thanks I get?!?

Dustpelt: If I give you this steak will you forgive me?

(Ferncloud takes steak and turns to Dr. Pathetic)

Ferncloud: You got any steak sauce?

Dr. Pathetic: Right here (Passes her bottle)

(Dustpelt and Ferncloud leave)

Dr. Pathetic: Wait!!! THeres still two more hours of the show!! I can't leave for my lunch break until the times up!!! Oh whatever, I'll eat here. Hey Stage Crew Guy, can you get me my lunch?

Stage Crew Guy: Uh, that over-kitted she-cat is eating it.

(Dr. Pathetic's eye starts to twitch)

Dr. Pathetic: FERNCLOUD!!!!!!

Gingertail: Mwuahahaha... - Ginger  Loves  Silver! HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!  20:13, February 13, 2011 (UTC)

Dovepaw
Dr.Pathetic: Ok, whats wrong with you?

Dovepaw:That's not nice.

Dr. Pathetic: I'm not nice. Now, do you classify yourself as a nut, wacko, or cuckoo?

Dovepaw: Please SHUT UP! I came to talk about my problems with Lionblaze.

Dr. Pathetic: *whistles* BRING HIM IN!

Lionblaze:No, no, don't hurt me! I've already done this torture!!!!!!

Dr. Pathetic: Now, now Lionblaze. You are just here to fight - ah, talk with Dovepaw.

Lionblaze: Can I hurt her just to get out of here?

Dr. Pathetic. No, no, no. I need my lunchtime entertainment. ROUND ONE! *gong sounds*

Dovepaw: You are way too bossy.

Lionblaze: You are way too snotty.

Dovepaw: You are way too special.

Lionblaze: Why, thank you! Although, you are too Mary-Sueish.

Dovepaw:Fightingish.

Lionblaze: Crabby.

Dovepaw: I thought that was Jayfeather!

Lionblaze: Sassy.

Dovepaw: I know you are, but what about me? BURN!

Lionblaze: I..uh...

'*gong* Dr. Pathetic: Round one goes to Dovepaw! Unfortunatley, I only have time for that! You may maul the other cat now.

'*mauling and fur flying*

heheh. Snickers  We will, we will, rock you...  18:10, February 13, 2011 (UTC)

Yellowfang
(Dr. Pathetic is sitting in a fluffy chair while Stage Crew Guy sweeps gray and golden fur off the stage)

Dr.Pathetic: Alright, lets see who we - (sarcastically) oh, goody me! Its Yellowfang!

Yellowfang: Hey, Doc. Or should I say, Poser Doc.

Dr.Pathetic: I AM NOT A POSER!!!

Yellowfang: Riiiight. Anyways, can I tell you about my issues?

Dr.Pathetic: I don't know, my pockets'll be pretty full after all this...but what the hay, go ahead.

Yellowfang: Cool. Anywho, here it goes: I gave birth to this bloodthirsty menace even though I was a medicine cat, and nobody knew or cared. He put on a battle that killed a bunch a kits, i.e. Badgerpaw and Mosspaw, and he attempted to kill Bluestar -under breath- not that anyone cares...

Dr. Pathetic: Uh huh. Real nice. Can I get some Hot Choco?

-Stage Crew Guy brings hot choco with whipped cream on top-

Yellowfang: Oooh, can I get some of that?

Dr. Pathetic: No. Go on, I want to drink my choco.

Yellowfang: OK. So after he attempted to kill Bluestar, I murdered him with deathberries. I mean, how can someone live with that, killing there own kit? Oh, and want to know whats really messed up?

Dr. Pathetic: Justin Bieber?

Yellowfang: Besides that. I named my kit Brokenkit!! I mean, who names there son Brokenkit??

-Raggedstar appears out of nowhere, and Yellowfang screams-

Yellowfang: YOU!!! YOU DID THIS TO ME!! YOU MADE ME PRODUCE THE THING THAT SENT ME TO THERAPY!!!

Raggedstar: Yeaaaah...so? I hated him just as much as you did. And seriously, whats really retarded is that you didn't go to the Dark Forest for giving birth as a medicine cat, as you should have. -sniffs-

Yellowfang: -turns to Dr. Pathetic- Do you mind if I kill him?

Dr. Pathetic: Yeah, sure, knock yourself out. He isn't on the guest list, so he won't be missed. Oh, but you and him are already dead, so it won't really -

-Yellowfang rips Raggedstar's throat out and he dies again-

Dr. Pathetic: Holy hay. Now I've seen everything. Do it again, Yellowfang!! Do it to Bluestar!!!

Bluestar: Hey!!

-Yellowfang kills Bluestar-

Stage Crew Guy: Hey!!! I just washed that floor!!!

Dr. Pathetic: Want her to kill someone else?!?

Stage Crew Guy: Sure!!

Stareh: KILL LEOPARDSTAR AGAIN!!! NO ONE EVER LIKED HER!!! - Star  eh Ki  tteh! Roses are red, but violets aren't blue...  20:34, February 18, 2011 (UTC)

Yellowfang: Word.

Honeyleaf
Dr. Pathetic:Now, honey, what's wrong in the little life of yours.

Honeyleaf:Well, I had a mate, Berrynose-

Audience Member:How could you ever like a thing like that!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Honeyleaf: I did, okay! Anyways, After I died, my sister, Poppyfrost (I will hurt her later) took him and....(she rants on.......)

5 HOURS LATER............

Honeyleaf:And Poppyfrost (curse her) doesn't like me and like, ....

Dr. Pathetic:*snaps awake* Uh, you're done. Okay. Remedy: Kill yourself.

Honeyleaf: I'm already dead!

Dr. Pathetic:Just do it!!!

Honeyleaf:Alright, alright.

[Kids, please, close your eyes.]

Dr. Pathetic:For my next trick, I'm gonna take care of Brokenstar, Firestar, Darkstripe, Daisy etc.

Audeience Member: You got that right!

[{KIDS, THIS WILL NOT BE FAMILY FRIENDLY. UNLESS YOU LIKE BLOOD, GORE, AND FECES OF A MANTICORE, LOOK AWAY NOW!}]

Kids: AWESOME!!!!!!!

S N I C K E R S What's your color? 20:50, March 1, 2011 (UTC)