What if Jayfeather loved Willowshine?

Willowshine's POV

I pad quietly through the night. I love night more than anything. It has a kind of magic, similar to that of one of those oasis-things that Voletooth used to tell me about when I was a kit. A breath of fresh air midst the chaotic madness that is my life.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love my life. I love my position as a medicine cat, it feels as natural as breathing. Nothing could ever beat the rush of adreline that surges through you when you realize you have saved a cat's life. Killing is so wrong for me, so against my nature. If it wasn't for the life of medicine, I would never be able to live with Windclan.

But there are times when it's hard. When you fail, when guilt burns in your heart. When life is a mass of chaos and you can't tell the difference between borage and juniper. When the whole clan is sick and only you can save them. During those times, it's all I can really do to steal a few moments to myself.

"Leafpool!" I whisper, and wait a few moments. Where is she? Then I remember. Leafpool is no longer a medicine cat.

"What do you want?" I hear a snarl. It's not Leafpool, I realize, disappointed. Then icy claws of fear clutch at my heart. I have been caught on Thunderclan territory. There is no way for me to run. The Thunderclan tom would follow me, and although I could easily outrun him any other night, I'm too tired to outrun a mouse tonight.

Fighting is out of the question. A tiny apprentice medicine she-cat against a well-fed, fully grown tom? That would be certain death. I can't see the cat but I can tell he is a tom, and no apprentice could sound that aggressive.

So I just wait for the end.

"Just because I'm blind doesn't mean I can't rip the fur off intruders!" I recognise the voice with relief.

"Jayfeather, it's me! Willowshine!" I cry. I can sense him relaxing but his tone is still the same as he replies.

"What do you want?" he snaps.

"I was looking for watermint. I got a bit carried away." I explain, but it's obvious that he will not believe any answer unless it puts me in the wrong. Stubborn tom, I think bitterly. Then I remind myself that Jayfeather has every right to be sour. He can't see anything. Not even the breath-taking beauty of the Moonpool. Not even me. That thought makes me somehow sad. Jayfeather can't and won't ever see me in the real world.

"Yeah, right." he snaps. At that moment, there is a rush of light. I can see a blue-gray she-cat with stars in her fur. She is very, very pretty but her eyes are full of stress and I can tell she used to be a leader when she was alive.

"Pay heed to Starclan's will, young Jayfeather. For

Two must meet once more as lovers forbidden,

And strive to reveal secrets that now stay hidden,

One of Wind, one of Thunder, one of Shadow, one of River,

Must join to uncover the darkness that comes hither,

Stay true to your love, young feather and shine,

And pay heed to the power that will soon be thine."

The she-cat repeats the prophecy that Silverstream told me in my dream, and fades into the night air. Jayfeather and stare at each other.

"What can it mean?" I whisper, but I think I know. I hope I know.

"So two forbidden lovers will meet and find out this oh-so-important secret." Jayfeather begins to decipher it,

"One of Wind, one of Thunder... so it must mean one cat from each clan? River and Thunder must be me and you, or else there would be no point in telling us." I reply.

"Great. So you, me, and a couple of random cats are going to uncover darkness and follow our hearts. That's just great." he grumbles.

"But listen! Feather and Shine have to stay true to their love and pay heed to their power. They said your love. And I am Willowshine, as you are Jay''feather." ''the truth hits me as hard as a stone. But it can't be right. Medicine cats can't fall in love. I never intended to. It never even crossed my mind. I am already in love with my clan. Anyway, if I had to love a cat, it wouldn't be a grumpy Thunderclan medicine cat. But deeper than that, I know I can't help it. If only Jayfeather could see, and he was in Riverclan, and medicine cats could take mates, and Starclan decided to make the clans live in harmony, and I could have kits...

None of that is going to happen. Why have I suddenly started to wish for all this? I had never wanted a mate before, or kits. I still don't want any of it. My paws are set on the path of a medicine cat, and it is the same for Jayfeather. Two medicine cat paths will never entwine. They lead, ultimately, to the same place. But they will never join as one till we reach the end of this path that is life.

Why should I love him? Why not Grasspelt, or Beetlewhisker? They are just as bad tempered. I close my eyes, and feel myself being taken back to a kithood memory.

''I lay sprawled on the nursery floor. Robinkit was squealing, as usual. He was always eager to fight. And he always had to win. Even when we played at mossball, Robinkit was either the winner or a sulker. It was easier to let him feel gloriful than fight back.''

''"I won the playfight! Mother, why is Willowkit so weak?" he squeaked. Mosspelt looked at me, and I was surprised to see pride in her eyes.''

''"Why is Robinkit always mean and grumpy?" I whined.''

''"Willowkit, can you see outside?" she whispered, Surprised, I peered out of the entrance to the nursery.''

''"No, Mother. It's all dark and horrible." I replied.''

''"No, Willowkit. You can't see anything, so how do you know it is horrible? You can't see any of the things that make outside look lovely. It's there, but it's covered up. If you have the patience to wait till sunlight, you will see the real beauty." she told me softly. Sure enough, the next morning, I saw the pretty shells and the flowers and everything that made me love this place. I had waited and the cover of darkness had gone away. But what did that have to do with Robinkit?''

Now I understand. Jayfeather might be a grumpy old badger, but his grumpiness is the darkness. If I wait, The noble cat underneath will shine through. That's why I love him deep down. He's suffered so much but his heart is good. Grasspelt and Beetlewhisker are just plain selfish. And Jayfeather shares my passion, medicine, which means more to me than anything else. To me, Jayfeather can see more than any other cat in the world, because he doesn't kill. In my opinion, once you have spilt innocent blood, you can't see the world for what it is. You can only see a twisted, warped universe that you imagine to be real. Revenge and envy and hate cloud your vision more than blindness.

"You're lying!" Jayfeather snarls. He steps away from me, shaking himself in disgust, like a Shadowclan cat who has just fallen in the lake. In my head, I silently beg Starclan to tell Jayfeather that I am not lying. But nothing happens.

"I would never lie to you!" I mew.

"You're pretending to be in love with me, aren't you? So you can steal Thunderclan supplies. You're trying to use me. For Starclan's sake, we're both medicine cats from different clans! You might have all the other toms running after you, but I'm not mousebrained. I can see right through you."

"But... you heard the prophecy!" I splutter.

"It's all lies! We can't love each other! This whole world is just lies, lies, lies!" he exploded.

"Fine. You go and make more enemies. Go and ignore Starclan." I screech, unable to stay calm any longer.

"I will! I hate you, you stupid fish-face. I'll never, NEVER love you." he roars. I realize what he is doing.

"You don't mean it. You're trying to make me hate you. Because you're scared. You want to love me but you can't " I say softly.

"Lies!" he snaps one final time, before collapsing to the floor.

"You know, deep down, that I'm not lying." I murmur.

Briefly, almost indistinguishably, he nods.

______________________________________________________________________________________

I pad back into camp, feeling somewhat self-concious. I know I can't help liking Jayfeather more than I should, but it still feels wrong to betray my clan like this.

I know that this happened to many cats. Silverstream and Graystripe. Bluefur and Oakheart. Spottedleaf and Firestar. But I never imagined that it would happen to me. I always pictured myself as a happy and contented medicine cat, mateless and satisfied with herbs. I still love my job but it isn't enough. Not any more.

I realize in horror that love like this never ends happily. Silverstream died while kitting. Bluefur's third kit died and she split up with Oakheart. Spottedleaf died. Starclan is determined to get rid of cross-clan lovers. What can this mean for me and Jayfeather? Will one of us be killed? Neither of us could ever defend ourselves from attackers. Running away isn't an option; Jayfeather is blind, I am weak, and we couldn't leave our clans without medicine cats.

I can never have kits, some cat would notice. But I'd love to raise some. I'm sure I could manage.

"Wow, Willowshine! You stink of Thunderclan. Where were you?" Mothwing splutters, coughing as she blunders into the den.

"Oh... uh... I went to find some watermint and I found Jayfeather there. He must have wandered into Riverclan territory without realizing." I improvise. Mothwing dips her head in approval. She'd swallowed the lie.

"Mosspelt is going to have her kits soon. You can get her a stick to bite for the pain, then go swimming for a bit. I'm going now," she mews. My heart leaps.

"Thanks, Mothwing!" I scamper out of her den. Mossypaw and Rushpaw are sitting there impatiently, lashing their tails in frustration.

"What's wrong?" I ask, although I'm too eager to swim to care.

"It's Mosspelt." Rushpaw sounds distressed. Wordlessley, I rush back into the den. Mothwing is sorting out piles of herbs into different colours, and seems embarrassed when I catch her fooling around.

"Mothwing... quick... Mosspelt!" I stammer. Mothwing stares at me, horrified. Her body starts to quiver. I have never seen her this nervous.

"Get dandelions!" she orders, her eyes full of panic.

"Mothwing, it's greenleaf. There aren't any." I remind her.

"We're low on poppy seeds. What will I do? I had a dream last night about a dying she-cat. Do you think it was a coindidence.... uh, I mean, an omen?" she demands frantically.

"I don't know. Get the poppy seeds, I'll see to Mosspelt." I race to the nursery. Mosspelt is shrieking, and I can see a tiny form lying still on the nursery floor. She has managed alone for this one, but what about the others?

"You're going to be okay." I mew gently. But I can see that it's not true. Mosspelt whimpers as another tiny kit is born. Her eyes are full of pride as she looks down on her offspring. I stare longingly at the new mother, knowing that Jayfeather and I would never experience that feeling of pride for our own kits.

"You're going to be okay." I repeat, watching her wince as her teeth close round the stick. Mothwing had predicted that there would be two kits, but there are more. She is often wrong and this does not surprise me, but it irritates me.

Then it dawns on me.

As the third kit is born, I realize that some cat is going to die today.

I lick them, my heart racing. There are three. The two apprentices can lick two, but if I lick the third then who will help Mosspelt? If I go and get poppy seeds, Mosspelt might survive. But if I leave the kits then they will die. Who should live? The mother or the kit?

You could raise them as your own a tiny voice whispers in my ear. I hesitate.

What should I do? What would Jayfeather have done?

I look desperately at Mosspelt. Her face is contorted with pain.

"Help the pain!" she shrieks. Rushpaw and Mossypaw look at me expectantly. I look at the third kit. It's a tiny silver she-kit. Can I really let her die? I then look at Mosspelt. She's a terrified young she-cat on the brink of death. How can I let her die instead?

"I can't." I whisper, picking the third kit up with my teeth. Her eyes fill with horror and betrayal.

"Why?" she screeches.

"I can help the pain." I decide quickly, giving her a pawful of berries. She eats them gratefully. There is a lot of blood, something has gone wrong. But it's not too bad.

"Mosspelt!" Mothwing races into the nursery. I look at the kit quickly. It has a low chance of survival but it is still breathing. The other two are breathing evenly. The bigger one's eyes are fluttering open.

"Mosspelt is okay. But this kit is finished." Mothwing announces sadly. I dip my head in acknowledgement as the kit finally lies still.

"No!" Mosspelt wails. My heart aches for the queen. She is exhaughsted but I know she would fight the whole of Lionclan to make Mothwing take back her words and declare the kit is alive. Love is funny like that.

"I'll bury it." Mothwing offers. Mosspelt begins to protest, but I am quick to feed her herbs to make her sleep. At first, they have no effect. But soon her eyes close and she is at last peaceful.

I wonder how it would have been if Jayfeather was my mentor instead of Mothwing. He would have known exactly what to do. It is all my fault that the kit died, but Mothwing could have been there for me. It was her duty to check on Mosspelt. I admire the dappled golden she-cat but something isn't right with her. She is caring and skilled, but she somehow just doesn't feel like a proper medicine cat.

______________________________________________________________________________________________

It is dark outside, so I settle down to sleep. I am tired yet restless and cannot rest soundly. So I decide to go for a walk and perhaps collect some herbs. I wander aimlessley for a while, letting my paws lead me wherever they chose. I am so tired that I do not care, as long as I wear off this restless feeling. I snap out of my trance-like posture when I realize that I am not alone.

A golden she-cat pads through the night, her eyes blazing with guilt. She stays close to the lake, as if seeking its protection. At first, she appears alone. Then I notice dark tabby tom close behind her. Everything about him, even his scent, is dangerous. I crouch low in the reeds, not wanting to be seen.

"Did you kill her?" the tom snarls. The golden she-cat looks pained.

"Yes, Hawkfrost." she mews tonelessly. Hawkfrost dips his head in approval. I notice that we not in Riverclan territory. This place has a familiar scent which I can't quite place yet.

"Good." he mews. In the dim light, I can see is a pair of greedy amber eyes blazing straight into mine. I wonder if he has seen me. I hope not.

"She was only a kit! I don't care if she was destined to save Brambleclaw's life. Her life hadn't even begun." she hisses.

"Brambleclaw must pay for killing me! That kit would have grown into the cat that saved him from blindness. Now she can't rescue him, and he will suffer! It's not too late for me to reveal your little secret, Mothwing!" Hawkfrost snaps. I realize that it is my mentor that has killed this kit. But Mothwing would never do anything like that.

"Willowshine will find out if she doesn't know already. Then what will you do?" Mothwing snaps. I stare at her in horror.

"I already know." I step cautiously from my hiding place. My voice is uneven but both cats are horrified by my words. Hawkfrost recovers first.

"Well, I'd better put an end to that!" he hisses, pinning me down. I try to wriggle free but the warrior is stronger than me and I'm stuck. He strikes me harshly, making my head spin. I can hear Mothwing whimpering and trying to pull him away from me, but Hawkfrost is stronger than his sister.

"Stop!" I hear a voice yowl. I can scent Jayfeather clearly.

"Keep away!" I screech, not trusting the blind tom to stay unharmed. But he manages to thrust Hawkfrost off me almost effortlessley, and it only takes one blow of his paw to make the dark tabby disappear. I look in amazement at Jayfeather, only to realize that I have been wrong. It was not Jayfeather I scented but Lionblaze, his littermate.

"What are you doing on Thunderclan territory?" he snarls. I don't reply. I am too shaken by my near-death experience. Everything nearly ended there and then. It could still end any moment now.

"I told her to come here." this time it is distinctly Jayfeather that I scent. The grey tom pads up to protect me. I watch Lionblaze's face turn from that of an angry tiger to that of a confused Thunderclan tom. The transition makes me purr.

"Why?" he asks.

"Rippletail got infected by dirty drinking water. I need echinacia because a fox took our supplies." I improvise. It's only a half-lie; the tom I mentioned really does have infection.

"Echy... echy... echy what?" Lionblaze sounds baffled.

"Come on, I'll find you some." Jayfeather growls, turning to go. I follow him to his den, feeling very much like an intruder. Which, of course, I am. The scent of fox dung almost makes me pass out as I pad over to greet the Thunderclan tom.

"Hello." I mew awkwardly, wishing he would bother to start a proper conversation.

"Listen, I've found the Windclan cat of the prophecy. I found her sleeping on the border between Windclan and here. She was chanting the prophecy we were told." he gestures to a light brown tabby she-cat with blue eyes, who is sleeping on the floor of the den. She is very, very pretty.

"Who are you?" I whisper. Her eyes flutter closed as she whispers;

"My name is Heathertail. And I want revenge."

I stare at her. What does she mean? I have never met this Windclan warrior before. How can she take revenge on me?

"She's been saying that over and over again." an agologetic voice sounds. Jayfeather and I hiss at the same time. The fox dung I scented had been covering up for another intruder. A small tom strutted nervously into view. I recognized him as Blacknight, the loner that Shadowclan recently took in. (A/N- a made-up character) 

"What are you doing here, crowfood?" Jayfeather snarls. Blacknight blinks, confused.

"You mean, what are you doing here? Toadfoot and Applefur told me that everywhere is Shadowclan territory apart from that island in the lake. I know they tease me but they wouldn't trick me about something like that. So get off our land, intruders!" he hisses. I see that he is genuinely convinced that he is in his own territory.

"Stupid kittypet." I hear Jayfeather mutter, which makes me angry.

"Your grandfather was a kittypet before he came here! You can't possibly hate them." I exclaim. Then it dawns on me. Jayfeather is scared that I am going to fall in love with some good sighted, able bodied tom.

"I always like you most, mousebrain," I breathe in his ear, and although he doesn't react, I can tell he is relieved.

"So... they were lying, right?" Blacknight sounds ashamed. I try to cheer him up by purring at his mistake, but his misery does not disappear.

"It's okay. It will take a while to settle in. But first, you're all going to have to get off our territory!" to my horror, Firestar appears at the entrance to the den. He is not angry but seems confused.

"Firestar, they must stay." Jayfeather mews.

"That is not your descision, Jayfeather!" the ginger tom reminds him.

"No, it is not. But Starclan has chosen the four of us, Firestar. We must have some time together." Jayfeather mews. FIrestar stars to speak, when a distant rumbling sound is audible.

"Riverclan, attack!" I hear Leopardstar call. My heart freezes.

Riverclan is attacking Thunderclan. And I am going to have to fight Jayfeather.