Talk:Fire Storm/@comment-17759525-20140328011804

Wow, Book, this is a really cool story!!!

-SPOILERS-

I'll go through this chapter by chapter, giving feedback as best as I can :3

PROLOGUE

First word in the third line should be "complex" XD But this is a cool way to introduce the story. It gives a solid background without really giving anything away that's going to happen in the story. I would recommend maybe breaking up the first paragraph a bit, if possible. I have this tendency to skip over longer paragraphs. I actually skipped it the first time I read over this (although I read it the second time, I promise!). Slightly smaller paragraphs are just easier to follow. But yeah, good job with the prologue! It's succinct but descriptive, and it sets the stage for a really unique story.

CHAPTER ONE

The first, like, two and a half paragraphs are in past tense, and then it switches to present tense for the rest of the story. I'd either change those first paragraphs to present tense or maybe actually change the rest of the story to past as well, since it's being told as Stormshine's past memories. You also have a couple of typos, like "befor" and "lie".

I like the italicized portion. It reminds the readers that this is told from Stormshine's point of view as she reminisces about her life. This whole chapter is really well-written. It shows how Stormkit feels about her Clan, and the way that the other cats don't like her. It also shows the characters' personalities starting to develop. And the last sentences... ''Lucky her. I hope she has a nice life. ''Oh my gosh, it gives me chills! To see how Stormkit has given up on any hope of surviving... oh, gosh, this is gonna be good.

CHAPTER TWO

Second paragraph - saying the cats throw stones "at you" almost makes it sound like they throw stones at the reader, which is kind of unnerving. It would sound better if it said "at the cat" or something like that. Same paragraph you use the word "they" to describe the condemned cat. The cat is singular, so it doesn't really match. Then later you spell "reappear" with only one p, and technically the medicine cats aren't reappearing from anywhere since we never saw them appear from there before.

I like the touch of sarcasm that almost shows through in the first line. It's subtle, but it still shows how Stormkit doesn't think it really matters. The description she gives of the sick cats' death is good, because it gives us as the readers a sense of what's going on in this twisted Clan as well as serving as a reminder for Stormkit. Then Stormkit's fear of dying is well described. She's a kit, for StarClan's sake; no kit should have to be afraid of their Clan killing them off. Then the way she looks at the other side and wonders what it would be like to live is a nice twist. She really doesn't have any good options. Oooh, the suspense!

CHAPTER THREE

I'll continue later.