What If

A songfic. Song- What If by Coldplay

What If
She stared at her two sons and her single daughter. They were beautiful.

And then she looked at me. "They're yours, Squirrelflight. Yours and Brambleclaw's."

I looked at her and nodded. "Are you sure?"

"I've never been more positive in my life, Squirrelflight."

"Thank you, Leafpool."

"No, thank you."

What if there was no lie

Nothing wrong, nothing right

I stare after my kits, all three of them, as they leave me behind. They walk away, their tails held high, their heads low with sadness.

A few fox-lengths in front of them is Ashfur, who is also dazed.

Oh, it was a only a few heartbeats ago that Jayfeather was struggling to leave the camp! Oh, it was only a few moons ago since all three of them were first mine!

What if there was no time

And no reason, or rhyme

I can already picture their arguments against me. Me, the cat who gave up her time to raise them, me, the cat who they could trust. Hollyleaf would of course claim that it was against the warrior code. Lionblaze would tell me that it was impossible to stay loyal to his Clan if he didn't know if he was Clan-born. Jayfeather would wonder how possibly this escaped his notice.

All I would be able to do is stare back sadly, as my children, my little ones, begin to hate me.

What if you should decide

That you don't want me there by your side

That you don't want me there in your life

Time no longer seems to pass as I desperately look at Brambleclaw for another time. He does not know a thing, not a single thing, about my and my sister's secret, and now my kit's secret.

He goes along with his duties like the perfect deputy. He is the perfect mate. Maybe he will forgive me.

What if I got it wrong

And no poem or song Could put right what I got wrong

Or make you feel I belong

I know that as I think it that it will never be true. I have betrayed him, ruined him. He viewed his kits as the greatest thing that ever happened to him, besides himself, and to learn otherwise would ruin him.

To learn that it was Crowfeather would kill him more. To know that it was my sister would put the warm mouse on top.

Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right

Let's take a breath, jump over the side

Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right

How can you know it, if you don't even try

Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right

I need to try.

Or, rather, Hollyleaf needs to try. That's what I tell myself as she raises her voice, finally, at the Gathering. Finally, the truth is out. Finally.

I breathe a sigh of relief, but then I realize that my secret is out. And Brambleclaw is staring at me. His voice is loud in my ears and it echos forever and I do not even see that my kits have disappeared.

All I see are Brambleclaw's angry eyes and his tense muscles and his jaws, snapping as he screeches at me.

He will never love me again.

Every step that you take

Could be your biggest mistake

It could bend or it could break

That's the risk that you take