Talk:A New Dawn: Blood River/@comment-17759525-20131121234414

Well done! This leaves me waiting for more! :3

SPOILERS

PROLOGUE

Excellent descriptions. I love how you set up the setting and introduce the cats. In a way the prologue reminds me of Crookedstar's Promise, except that it's more evil since Snakepaw knows exactly what he's promising to. I can't help but wonder how it's going to play out if he's so scared of the Dark Forest...

It's so mysterious. I love it :3

CHAPTER ONE

It's set up like a normal day. I like the dream in the beginning; it reflects the thoughts that every kit has about being a warrior. As usual, the kits play too roughly and Firekit gets hurt. The way Mintkit reacts to Firekit when he scorns the life of a medicine cat is pretty spot on. The emotion both kits feel here is well described, and I like how Bushkit helps Firekit.

CHAPTER TWO

Jayfeather's always been one of my favorite characters, and you show his personality really well here. I love how he asks Firekit about dreams. Medicine cats are so mysterious X3

The elders' story is good, too. I like how you summarize the events from the forest in a succinct way, so it gets the point across but so it doesn't seem like we have to read the entire first series over again. I'm thinking that the part about the Place Of No Stars is going to help set up the rest of the story. Foreboding >:3

Remember how Sandstorm predicted that she'd become a really grouchy elder? Maybe you could incorporate that into the story. I think it might reflect her personality a bit better.

CHAPTER THREE

Well, this is a short chapter, but it's full of description. I love the metaphors you use. I also like how you describe the cats in a way that makes it clear to Warriors fans who each cat is.

And ooh, the last line! "They are a threat to themselves." It's so cryptic. I can't wait to see what happens next!

One thing, though: Would they know what a Persian cat is? I think that's more of a human name than a name the warriors would use.

CHAPTER FOUR

Just looking at the title of this chapter, "The Eyes", I can tell something cool is going to happen here. I do like how you switch the point of view over to Mintkit's, so we can see it from a different cat's perspective.

Mintkit is very observant, which is good, and the vision she has is so creepy. I like how you say "sunshine eyes"; it seems to directly contradict the nature of the creature, and yet it fits right in. The vision also suggests that she'll be a good medicine cat.

And the last line... I can't help but wonder what exactly it'll mean for Mintkit's future :3

You say moaning and moaned within rapid succession, and it seems a bit redundant. Maybe you could change one of them to something else, like "...Snowpaw grumbled."

CHAPTER FIVE

Another perspective change. You really get the thoughts of kits across when Bushkit decides to sneak out of camp; what kit wouldn't? And ah, the classic dirtplace tunnel. The Clans should really rethink their decision to give kits such an obvious way out of camp X3

The descriptions you use, of the trees especially, really create an ominous effect. They just tie in so perfectly to the story, even when the serious descriptions, if written badly, might clash with the mood of the context. You do a really good job of making it work, though :3

Gah, this is long. I'm going to start another comment o_o