Talk:The Real Stories of Cats

Ok, first, biological fail. Second, this is just mean and silly. :-P  ASH!!  She must return, or I will threaten you with rhinos! 02:46, September 28, 2010 (UTC)

Actually, not quite. Cats of the same litter can have different fathers. One of the theories about the Three was that Hollypaw and Jaypaw were Crowfeather's kits and Lionpaw was Brambleclaw's kit. The red eyes are a little off, I'll admit. But whoever wrote this might have been serious. If so, then there are ways to improve it.

Short answer: Separate each character into their own story and then expand upon it. Don't just write a paragraph with them confessing what happened. It's boring and people are going to assume it's mean and silly.

Long answer: Forgive me if I seem too critical. I'm using a method of Kitsufox's for approving characters in her RP site. It basically points out the areas you could improve and gives suggestions on how to improve them. I guess I'm in the mood to critique. :)

''I didn't wan to do it. I was forced to...He forced me to have kits''--Why would Ashfur force her to have his kits? Plus, you're basically saying that Ashfur raped her; you might need to talk to the admins about mature themes like that.

I have a kit in shadowclan...Olivenose thankfully looks like Ivytail, who befriended me and 'raised' Olivenose.--How exactly did she befriend a cat of an enemy Clan and convince her to raise her kit? Also, why would she even give up the kit in the first place? Technically, Olivenose's birth isn't forbidden--Ashfur and Sorreltail are both in ThunderClan and neither of them is a medicine cat--and Sorreltail could have lied and said that Brackenfur was Olivenose's father.

This was around the same time I had honeyfern, poppyfrost, molepaw and cinderheart.--Specify what you mean by "around the time." Did she give birth to Olivenose before she got pregnant with the other four kits? Was Olivenose in the same litter as them? Or was she in a later litter?

which had turned red with hate--Red with hate=impossible. And why did she hate Sorreltail so much if she grew up believing Ivytail was her mother?

I realized I would have to kill her to kill the last of the evilness that Brindleface and Whitestorm created.--How/why is Olivenose evil? Also, it's never been confirmed that Whitestorm was Ashfur's father, except on the family trees on the official Warriors site, which are inaccurate. Besides, Whitestorm is Sorreltail's father, so if he was Ashfur's father as well, that would make them half-siblings. Iiiinnnncccceeeeeessssttttt.

Having kits with firestar while my Dustpelt thought I was only in love with him.--This isn't really a critique, mostly a little note: these are cats we're talking about. Not humans. There is no such thing as marriage, cheating, or divorce when it comes to cats. There's nothing wrong with having two cats being in love with each other (I have plenty of that in my stories), and if you really want to make a story out of Ferncloud "cheating" on Dustpelt, go right ahead. I'm just pointing out how unrealistic it is, even in the world of warriors.

The truth was, that Firestar had earned my love the night he came to me and we had fun together.--Just another sticky-note about mature themes on here.

''Foxleap? His kit. Icecloud? his kit.''--Can't tell if you mean Dustpelt or Firestar.

Firestar and I have had many times together without anyone noticing.--Keep in mind that Firestar is the leader of ThunderClan. And that (at least in the books) Sandstorm shares the leader's den with him every night.

If Dustpelt were ever to find out, he would kill me in a second.--This is kind of like my comment about love and cheating with cats. Dustpelt might certainly be very angry, but literally killing her would be (in my opinion) quite over-the-top, unless you wanted to expand on the story and explain how Dustpelt turned into a psycopath and killed a member of his own Clan for no other reason other than she cheated on him.

''together, if you can imagine it, Brambleclaw and Leafpool put together, just standing next to eachother, you can tell Leafpool's a close reletive of Tigerstar, basically his cousin. just once removed. but Sandstorm's father, redtail is the brother of Leopardfoot, Tigerstar's mother. Brambleclaw and Leafpool are direct cousins.''--This doesn't quite fit into the story, if you want the story to be all about Dustpelt "cheating" on Ferncloud. You said yourself that Leafpool is related to Tigerstar through Sandstorm. So matter who her father is, whether it be Firestar or Dustpelt or any other tom, she'd sill be related to Tigerstar. It doesn't really fit into the story about Dustpelt's confession, you see?

But if I ever told ferncloud she'd be broken in tears.--Ahem, cats can cry. No, but seriously, the same goes for what I said about Ferncloud "cheating" on Dustpelt.

''I did once have real kits, I just killed them at once. It was around the same time Leafpool had her kits. All this wa sin the kits eyes, and in horror and terror, I killed the kits.''--Several things odd about this whole story of killing the kits. First of all, you did the whole "around the same time" thing, which I can't tell means before or after Leafpool had her kits. So I'm just making an assumption that they were born about three months after Leafpool's kits, which would have been waaaay before the whole Squirrelflight/Ashfur/fire scene. How did she know the kits were evil? And what makes the kits evil in the first place? So what if they're Ashfur's kits--that doesn't mean they'll turn out like him. (And again with the red eyes--it's impossible, and even if it wasn't, it doesn't mean the poor kits are demons from hell.) And in any case, kits are precious resources; ideally, they grow up and become valuable members of the Clan. It would be pretty stupid, in my opinion, to kill a litter of kits just because you assumed they were evil because of the color of their eyes and who their father was.

What a monster Brindleface and Whitestorm created.--This is much less serious critique, and more of my opinion as a reader instead of a writer: why do you keep blaming the parents? I'm drifting away from the real plot of the story and instead focusing on how poor Brindleface and Whitestorm are getting blamed for their son being a monster.

I hoped this help, and again, I'm sorry if this super-long critique came out as a little harsh. I've never done this before and I've been pushing myself to read/critique more stories.--Shaf Girl  04:46, September 28, 2010 (UTC)

Good job there! But in a litter, the she-cat is pregnant with all of them at the same time, they're basically like triplets or quads or whatever, and all of them would be the children of just one tom. They can't be pregnant with two seperate biological litters at once, or if they can, it's very rare. Apart from that, I agree entirely with your comment, particularly poor Brindleface and Whitestorm! Anyway, I didn't think Whitestorm was Ferncloud and Ashfur's father. Plus, if you think that he is, then you have to think that the cats have no porblem with so-called 'cheating' on each other, because Whitestorm fathered Sorreltail and her brothers with Willowpelt, so... I just feel that this is a tad unnessecary. I mean sure, write a fanfic about what would happen if Sandstorm and Dustpelt were mates instead or whatever, but don't make this huge fuss about them cheating on each other. Not only is it unrealistic, it might be very very extremely offensive to some people.  ASH!! She must return, or I will threaten you with rhinos! 08:54, September 28, 2010 (UTC)