Talk:Hold Your Breath/@comment-17759525-20141228142450/@comment-17759525-20150216151706

Here, have some more patchwork commenting

SPOILERS

CHAPTER FOUR

The very first line in this chapter gives a good indication of what’s about to happen. “…when love no longer supports you…” is definitely an intriguing start to a chapter.

I love this little scene; it’s fairly realistic, as far as stories go. You know those people who write romantic stories where nothing bad ever happens and the people in love never fight? Oh, how I hate that. You’re doing a much better job C:

I just love the emotion in this part of the story. There’s very little description, but that’s fine; the dialogue is what’s important here, and so that’s what you’ve chosen to write here.

Firesong is a very realistic character; she has emotions; she’s not just a void of “Oh, I’m perfect”. The best stories are written with the most realistic characters.

CHAPTER FIVE

I like how you use a flashback to explain what happened after Chapter Four ended. Amberheart’s insight into this scene gives the readers insight; Firesong’s view may be skewed by love.

I love how Eagleflight pops into this scene, creating drama. It seems like Firesong is far more hurt by this than Eagleflight; he sounds disappointed, while she sounds positively devastated.

There’s a good transition back into the present time – “I hate my life.” Yet another example of how imperfect these cats are. She obviously didn’t want to explode like that; emotion just overtook her, and now she’s regretting that decision.

Life goes on in this chapter, though, showing just how little the other cats in the Clan notice about their own Clanmates. I like the transition into the fighting, too. It’s unexpected, and maybe it will give Firesong and Eagleflight a chance to patch things back together by fighting side by side.

She still loves Eagleflight; that much is clear. Reinforcements just never seem to arrive on time.

I really do love these coded lines within the chapters. “Maybe demise makes love stronger.” Death certainly brings out a lot of emotions, doesn’t it…?

CHAPTER SIX

The first non-coded line here is a little bit odd – “pain, eagles, and flights”. I think it’s interesting how she wakes up screaming in pain, but screaming about “eagles” and “flights” seems a little bit too obvious and clichéd – like those stories written by noobs where the prophecy is something like “The flame will burn the rose” and then it cuts to Rosepaw and Flamepaw. You know what I mean?

The medicine cat choking someone – that’s definitely a new one! This shows how perspective changes the ambiance of a scene; Firesong is upset and hurt, so she screams to convey this in the only way she knows how, while the other cats are sick of her and fed up with it all.

So, good job showing us both sides of that.

Is Minnowleaf being sarcastic? “I know you have a tendency of dying from bleeding wounds.” I just love that line! It kind of lightens the darker mood of this story, just a little bit. It’s not nearly as hilarious as Clawderp, but it’s the same basic idea. The best tragedies have humor stuck in them somewhere, too. We can only take so much death and depression.

Of course the first cat to confront her would be Eagleflight. It’s like he’s changed now that he’s seen how vulnerable she really is; this is a touching and fragile scene. I love their small exchange, and it’s interesting how you put “I think” before “I love you too.” I know it’s just meant to show that he’s stammering, but it still makes it feel like there’s something else – like this won’t last, at all.

And, knowing your writing, it probably won’t XD

SPOILERS

I don’t know if you still want me to finish commenting on this or not, but if you want me to finish up, I can do that sometime. I might anyways, no matter what you say, just to be able to say that I read through and commented on the whole thing.

kthx