Talk:Pebblepool's Adventure/@comment-5488450-20130723230805

This is definetly really good for your first story, it's definetly something to be proud of! :) However, there were a couple things I thought I should point out which you could keep in mind during the rest of your story Nonetheless, this was really good for a first story, and your conventions were really good. I love how you rarely used 'meowed' or 'said', and your dialogue was rich. Keep it up! :)
 * You have a lot of short sentences. Try getting rid of some of thos eperiods, and adding commas in their, making longer sentences. It's not a lot more writing but it makes your writing look so much better when you have a few nice long sentences as opposed to many few-word long ones.
 * Try adding a bit more detail. I get a lot of the action, but I don't really get much of an image in myhead. What's their camp like? What do all of theese cats look like? How's the weather on their first day of training? Details make your story richer and much more enjoyable for the reader.
 * Some parts seem a little bit rushed, as though you are trying to push the plot a little faster than it should be going. Pebblepool's apprentice was given quite suddenly it was rather like 'oh we're having a new apprentice and now you can mentor it'. It hadn't seemed like something really thought out. And as the comment below me stated, catching a squirrel that quickly is a little unrealistic, it feels as though you are makign the advancement of their skills a little rushed
 * Emotion. I get what's going on, but I want to know more about what the charachter is thinking and how they feel. You explain relationships, and sometimes I get glimpses of how they feel, but I'd love it if you could go further into the charachter's mind. To be them-to actually show who they are as well as their story to us.