Talk:Creampelt's Quest: The Prequel AU/@comment-44489924-20200212054721

Okay, here's a go at a constructive comment.


 * Spoilers I guess*

Prologue

Well, the first thing I noticed was that you wrote it in one large block. Maybe you could try to seperate it out, so each time you start a new idea you skip a line? Example:

(What you put) Cream Pelt rolled around in her nest as the sunlight shone from within the deep brambles of the cave. "Mommy, when will Cweam Pelt wake up?" A calico tom with gray replacing what was supposed to be black on their pelt asked a brown tabby. "Grass Blade, don't rush her. She'll wake up in her own time." Yes...In my own time. Cream Pelt said inside her mind. She tried to put a paw over her eyes to block out the sunlight, however, the little kits paw was not big enough. She opened her blue eyes and turned her head to the right. She tried to stand, wobbling on her paws as she gazed around the nursery. "Hewwo?" She turned to her brother, Sharp Blade. "Cweam Pelt! You're finawwy wawake!" Said the calico tom,'

vs

Cream Pelt rolled around in her nest as the sunlight shone from within the deep brambles of the cave.

"Mommy, when will Cweam Pelt wake up?" A calico tom with gray replacing what was supposed to be black on their pelt asked a brown tabby.

"Grass Blade, don't rush her. She'll wake up in her own time."

Yes...In my own time, Cream Pelt said inside her mind.

She tried to put a paw over her eyes to block out the sunlight, however, the little kit's paw was not big enough.

She opened her blue eyes and turned her head to the right. She tried to stand, wobbling on her paws as she gazed around the nursery. "Hewwo?" She turned to her brother, Sharp Blade. "Cweam Pelt! You're finawwy wawake!" Said the calico tom.

You see the difference? It's a lot more enjoyable to read when you space things out.

I'll also note that 'Prologue' is spelt incorrectly.

I do love the antics of the kits, but I noticed that you didn't add apostrophies in some spots they needed to be.

One more thing: You say that Grass Blade is one moon older, right? If Eagle Swoop is the mother of both of them, how is that possible?

Chapter 1-Exploring the camp This is a good chapter, quite interesting, but it would be easier to read if it was a little spaced out. I noticed you used the wrong word in this sentence.

The sun shown brightly, as if Sunny Sky (Authors Note: Just made him up, hes a tribe cat) himself was watching over The Tribe Of Forest Trees.

I think you mean 'shone,' not 'shown,' right?

The description of the camp is wonderful, and addds a nice element to the story. I also quite like how Eagle Swoop hides the fact that Fallen Apple might not live from Grass Blade and Cream Pelt. The game between the kits is enjoyable to read.

MiniChapter- The warriors den

This is a short chapter, and I don't have much to say about it sorry! The dialogue between Stormy Sky and Cream Pelt is interesting, and the way you have written it makes me think that Tiny Bug and Mina will make an appearance a little further on. The fact that Growling Badger jumped on her at the end was a nice addition, as it reminded me that this chapter took place directly after Chaper 1.

Chapter Two- The Apprentice Ceremony

The apprentice ceremony was nice, but I thought it was a bit too centered on Cream Pelt. I know she is the main character, the protagonist, but maybe you could try to make it so she doesn't seem to get a lot of special treatment? The other new softpaws should be represented a little more. And is Running Dog the mentor of all five of them?

Also: Could five brand new softpaws and a full warrior/prey hunter/forest guard really beat an enemy patrol of softpaws and MULTIPLE warriors?

Sorry if I seem like I am critisizing a lot, I really am enjoying reading this, I 'm just trying to give a few tips for improvement.

Chapter Four- The Drought

First thing I notice is that it went from Chapter 2 to Chapter 4. I think you accidently missed one.

I want to ask how a lake can dry up in one day? I mean, it is your fanfic, but isn't this sort of thing usually gradual, not abrupt?

I found Cream Pelt's solution to the lake problem quite interesting, but around the whole carrot thing, I got a little confused. Maybe a little more detail about what happened to bring back the lake would be useful?

Also, why would Leafteller make them sharpclaw's after one day of training? They would hardly be more then kits! Apart from these few things, it was a very interesting and action packed chapter.

Chapter 5- The Death

This is a wonderful chapter. I like how you proclaimed them sharpclaws, but there was probably no need to go through all of them, as it got a little repitive. I loved it!

I know Cream Pelt is practially a kit, but wouldn't she know all the cats in the Tribe by now? I really love Blue Cloud's name and description, but I would have thought Cream Pelt had known him, especially as he was close to Running Dog.

Chapter 6- New Friends

I find it odd that Grass Blade is more kit-like then Cream Pelt, even though he is a moon older. Of course, I do like it, but Cream Pelt is quite serious. This was another action packed chapter, and I loved your descriptions of the kittypet's. However, her fight with the fox was a little confusing. Oh, and once you called Grass Blade, Sharp Blade. Nice chapter.

Chapter 7- Time To Go

I wonder why the two decided to convince Leafteller to leave... I'd have thought if there were many badgers and foxes, they would have left already, or never settled. And... so Fallen Apple's ceremony was held two day's later then Cream Pelt's, despite being a moon younger? Oh, and why was Grass Blade's held at the same time as Cream Pelt when he is a moon older then her? I enjoyed reading this chaper though, and I hope you continue the fic. It's quite a good read.


 * End of spoilers*