Warrior Cats Smoof in: The Flea Market

Leafpool: Hi, and welcome to the one, the only, the utterly magnificent, the first ever, the best in the Clans, the—

Squirrelflight: (interrupts) The Warrior Cats Flea Market!

Stealthfire: Hey! You stole the way my conversations with Moss go! How dare you!

Leafpool: Well, you are the one writing the smoofs…

Squirrelflight: Because Mosswhisker can’t be bothered to get off her fat lazy hindquarters…

Mosswhisker: (sitting on fat lazy hindquarters a mile away) I resent that! I would come over and say that to your face, but I can’t be bothered to get up off my fat lazy hindquarters!

Leafpool: So you really can’t blame us at all.

Stealthfire: YES. I. CAN.

Squirrelflight: But that makes absolutely no sense at all! Even I can see that!

Brambleclaw: I can’t!

Squirrelflight: Case in point.

Stealthfire: And I should care because?

Mosswhisker: Please don’t say it, PLEASE DON’T SAY IT…

Squirrelflight: Because everyone will think you’re insane.

Mosswhisker: She said it.

Stealthfire: Yay!

Leafpool and Squirrelflight: ??

Stealthfire: In SkyClan culture, being insane is equivalent to being a superhero!

Mosswhisker: Oh Great StarClan, Stealth!

Stealthfire: I’ll prove it to you! Whee… (flies away)

Mosswhisker: Whoa. She was actually right for once!

Leafpool: Well, now that we’ve wasted half the smoof talking about something that happened in the first two sentences, let’s move on!

Squirrelflight: Finally!

Leafpool: While you’re here… (sets up stand in a flurry of wild energy) Would you like to buy some amulets?

Mosswhisker: No, I really don’t think—

Squirrelflight: How ‘bout some energy drinks?

Mosswhisker: (pales)

Leafpool: How—how did you get those? (gulps)

Squirrelflight: Well, I read in my BUK OF NCREDIBLE FNESS (thunderclaps) that I needed to find out what they were. So I asked Brambleclaw, and he told me! (smiles sweetly)

Brambleclaw: (on laptop) Hey, it says here that they taste great too!

Leafpool, Mosswhisker, and general population: Noooooo…

Squirrelflight: Really? I guess I’d better try one then!

Stealthfire: Stealthfire, to the rescue! (da da da, da da da da da…) (swoops down and grabs energy drinks before Squirrelflight can taste them)

Leafpool, Mosswhisker and general population: Yay!

Squirrelflight: Nuts!

Brambleclaw: Where?

Everyone: (stares)

Squirrelflight: (coughs) Well, I guess I have no choice but to sell: Energy bars. (Whee)

Stealthfire: I give up. (flies away)

Mosswhisker: Drastic action is required. (turns to Squirrelflight) I’ll take them all.

Everyone: (gasps)

Squirrelflight: Done!

Mosswhisker: (takes bars) Now, I’ll just go and get rid of these. (walks away into back of dark alley)

Snowkit: Now what do we do?

(about one gazillion cats set up booths)

Tigerstar: Hey, kid. (opens long trenchcoat) Want to buy a romance novel?

Snowkit: (gags)

Tigerstar: Come on, they’re not that bad!

All cats: (are skeptical)

Tigerstar: But I dedicated one to my mate!

Goldenflower: In that case… (gulps) …I’ll take one.

Sasha: You don’t have to do that, you know.

Goldenflower: (sighs) Unfortunately, I do. He’s my mate.

Sasha: What do you mean he’s your mate? He’s my mate!

Leopardstar: Yeah, hate to get in this, especially as I’m dead, but I thought Tigerstar wanted to be my mate, for a while.

Goldenflower & Sasha: What?!?

Tigerstar: (slides away slowly)

Mosswhisker: (runs by) Tigerstar’s a—

Brightheart: ‘‘O’’kay then…

Scourge: Medieval weaponry, get your medieval weaponry here! We got maces and lances and rapiers—

Queens: Oh my!

Kits: Ooh, Mommy, can I get one? Can I, can I, can I?

Ferncloud: Not right now, kits. First we have to go look for the tom who was selling those beautiful romance novels!

Kits: (gag)

One of Mistyfoot’s unnamed kits: Can nobody save us?

Stealthfire: Stealthfire, to the rescue!

Stealthfire’s personal orchestra: Da da da, da da da da da…

Moss: Ooh, she’s got an orchestra now?

Stealthfire: (grabs Tigerstar by scruff)

Tigerstar: Hey! What in the name of vegetarian meat sauce are you doing?

Stealthfire: Ridding the world of bad romance novels once and for all!

Kits: Yay!

Ferncloud: (bawls)

Tigerstar: Geez, what is ‘‘up’’ with all you she-cats now a days? You’re all a bunch of morons!

She-cats: Hey!

Toms: (whistle innocently)

Stealthfire: Oh, I didn’t ‘‘drop’’ you, did I? Ah, well, that mass of angry she-cats should break your fall! (grins evilly)

Moss: Hey, you’re not allowed to do that anymore! You’re a superhero!

Tigerstar: (is falling)

Stealthfire: How do you know?

Tigerstar: (is still falling)

Moss: Because, you said so earlier in the smoof. Remember?

Tigerstar: (has been falling a long time now)

Stealth: No. (smiles)

Moss: Of course you don’t.

Molepaw: (looks up at sky) Wow, it must sure be a long way down from up there!

Sorreltail: Molepaw! (runs and huggles)

Molepaw: (gags)

Brightheart: Before Tigerstar falls and crashes, causing us to lose our moderate rating, let’s sing the End of the Show Song!


 * This is the End of the Show,
 * In case you didn’t know,
 * But you really should have known by now,
 * This is the End of the Show,
 * Now let’s all do the disco!

All Apprentices: Yay!

(random clapping ensues)

Squirrelflight: Yes indeed, folks, my client’s book on gagging, ‘‘Gagging: Its Techniques, Usage, and Various Dialects’’, will change your life, as just demonstrated by our excellent volunteers! Even supervillians own it!

Stealth: (salutes) (winks at random tom sitting in front row)

Tigerstar: (wolf whistles) Oh, yeah!

Sasha & Goldenflower: (maul)

Tigerstar: Help, I’m being attacked by she-cats!

Squirrelflight: Call in the next thirty minutes and get your autographed copy free! (within five to seven business days)

All Apprentices: Umm…

Read More

 * Warrior cats Smoof in: The Auction (insert drumroll here)


 * Warrior cats Smoof in: The Library


 * Warrior Cats Smoof in: the Warrior's Message's of DOOM!


 * Warrior Cats Smoof in: The Case of the Repeated Names


 * Warrior Cats Smoof in: Christmas Caroling


 * Warrior cats Smoof in: Firestar's Death Scene


 * Warrior Cats Smoof In: The Epic Scavenger Hunt of Disturbing Things


 * Warrior Cats Smoof in: The Library (again!)


 * Warrior Cats Smoof In: The Apprentices (DUN DUN DUN)