Talk:Darkening Horizons/@comment-17759525-20140715022036

Alright, time to start readingggg~

SPOILERS

CHAPTER ONE

This is a really interesting opening, although it feels more like a prologue than a chapter...? I like how you don't say why they're chosing the kits - letting things play out more naturally and having the readers figure things out for themselves is always a good idea.

Here start the grammar mistakes... I can either point them out to you as I read, or I can correct them for you, if you want. Just let me know.

CHAPTER TWO

Hmm, Breezepelt. Bringing canon cats into stories with original characters always makes for an interesting story, and I'm wondering how he's going to become important later on. I do like the descriptions you give for Longfang and Gingerfur; they're very descriptive.

Hmm, this is very intriguing, indeed. The scene with Snowtuft shows Breezepelt's cold personality, and I like how the Dark Forest is after the chosen kits this early on; something's obviously going to come out of this. This chapter moves a bit fast, but it's definitely interesting.

CHAPTER THREE

A new character: a kittypet. I feel kind of bad for her, with such overbearing Twolegs and a father that seems kind of absent. Characters who feel like they don't belong always end up being the easiest to feel sympathy for, and I'll bet she's going to be important.

CHAPTER FOUR

This dream is interesting... I like the way you establish the mood here, and I do find it interesting that Hollyleaf broke the warrior code and had a kit with a kittypet. One of the chosen cats is revealed; I like the peek into the past as Hollyleaf says Flossie's real name.

One thing, though - when Flossie "whoops with joy", it kind of ruins the ambiance of this chapter. It just doesn't quite seem to fit in with the rest... maybe that's just me, but it doesnt seem to match up.

CHAPTER FIVE

This chapter moves way too fast. Add some more detail; it's fine that she suddenly decides to take off, but everything moves so quickly that I'm a bit confused. How does she get from her nest out to this random prey-rich area so fast? Make her get lost or something; maybe she has to ask for help. Even just adding a bit of description for when she's running down the alleys would help.

CHAPTER SIX

Finding her in the Dark Forest makes me curious. Did she wake up there by choice, or did someone take her there on purpose? I'd kind of like to know why Flametail was there.

"...terror giving them wings." Beautiful description.

Poor kit, getting so much thrown at her all at once. The Dark Forest, the prophecy (which is well written, by the way)... Even though she's going to be an important cat, I feel like she's not getting the chance to grow up. Typical StarClan, not waiting to shove destinies on everyone.

Also, is Flossie / Quickkit kit-age, or what? That's been confusing me for a bit now.

END SPOILERS

I'll do more later... probably tomorrow, actually. You do have an interesting plot, and I like the story; it's just getting off to a bit of a rocky start.