Talk:Bloody Shadows/@comment-24766822-20150819013457

Competition Post...

I told you I would comment, Sea <3

SPOILERS

Wow! You've barely started, and you've already poured so much feeling into it. This is really a complicated concept, and I'm loving it!

On the contrary to many other opinions, I actually don't think you made the chapters too short. There are many instances where chapters should be longer, but I don't think it would work in this case. You should definitely stick with short and sweet (if you can say that for such a bloody fanfic XD) to keep the mystery and terror of the story and the reader engaged.

Blurb

This short but effective blurb really drew me in. But I spotted a mistake: bl'oody shadows. I don't think there's supposed to be an apostrophe there.

Prologue

I like it when stories are from the POV of the murderer. I mean, there are several murderers in the actual Warriors series, but we hardly ever get to see what they are thinking and feeling during the execution of their bloody work. It gives you a lot to think about.

Normally, I would criticize face-paced introductions, but I honestly don't believe that the speed was a problem. In an intro, you introduce the main character, show the reader the setting, and take some time to explain some of the issue. You did all that in a short prologue, but it didn't feel rushed either. That is an example of excellent pacing in a small amount of time. High five!

Right away, we find out that her brother was beaten to death by the clans. But... why? The clans are all about honor and not attacking a defenseless cat, so why did Gorse get murdered? I have a strong feeling that this will be further revealed in later chapters.

Today's ThunderClan's moon to lose a cat. That final line chilled me to the bone.

Chapter One

The heavily described process before the killing is almost has scary as the killing itself; it is very clear that Shadow is good at this, and has obviously been doing it for quite some time. She has full descriptions of how to carry out her lethal plans, and it made me more and more nervous as she continued to tell...

I could feel Shadow's insecurity when the apprentice reminded her of her dead brother. It must have been painful.

We interrupt your program to bring you a Flashback warning from Shadow News, channel 10. I COULDN'T HELP IT! XD

Chapter Two

I don't even know the name of the Medicine Cat apprentice, but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! She wasn't even dead yet! Bleeding to death is horrible! YOU'RE KILLING ME SEA!!!! ;o;

Great StarClan, I can see where Shadow's coming from here, really I can, but would Gorse really want his sister to cause other cats so much pain for his sake? (Do I sense a dream with Shadow and Gorse's spirit in the near future?)

Chapter Three

"The last thing I needed was for the Clans to know I was the murderer. Because, I've been on pretty good terms with them - when I'm not being that vicious murderer I am." This line actually made me laugh for some reason. It's kind of funny saying that you're fine with the clans when you aren't trying to destroy them. XD


 * Sigh*. That's the problem: when you wish to have happy dreams, you never get any, so it's pretty clear what the next scene will entail...

Wow. This nightmare sequence had an unexpected twist when Shadow killed Gorse. THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN KILLING BECOMES YOUR PAIN MEDICATION, YOU DUMMY! The detail in this was horrifying, blatantly horrifying. Shadow's thirst for blood has gone too far, and she knows it.

Chapter Four

So, you go to sleep and dream about killing your own brother, than you decide to go get more to calm down? This cat has some twisted philosophies, that's for sure. I can tell that this is only going to get worse and worse as the monster inside her continues to feed on the blood.

Since chapter is short so far, I'll end it here. But this story is gory, unique, and filled with the complexities I crave, but it's definitely worthy of the extreme rating. There were a few spelling and grammatical errors; at the beginning of One, you accidently spelled "Yu're" instead of "You're". But these are mostly minor, so otherwise, the technical are very good, and the story itself is amazing. I can't wait for the rest of Chapter Four! I'll be following this one!

Good work, Sea! <3 <3 <3 :D

END OF SPOILERS