Talk:Feathersoul's Story: Book 1- The Prophecy/@comment-17759525-20150811013635

SPOILERS

PROLOGUE

The first part of this story is set up very well. I must admit that I’m curious about this previous prophecy, but I’m guessing it won’t be explained much over the course of this story.

The new prophecy that Gorsefur delivers in this prologue seems interesting. It is a bit wordy, though, and just by looking at the title I can tell who the “feather” is. I’m not going to tell you how you have to write a prophecy, but here are a couple of pointers, if you want my advice: try to keep it brief, and keep the referencing cats’ names to a minimum. Otherwise, it’s kind of obvious what’s going to happen and when once you start reading the rest of the story.

Regardless, you have really good imagery in this section, and again, you introduce your story very well. This is very well-written and intriguing. The sudden appearance of a Dark Forest cat in the middle of a StarClan prophecy is interesting as well. The challenge, the fight, the descriptions – all of it is really good, especially the last line, which is simple but important. Overall, you have a really good start here, and I can’t wait to read more :)

CHAPTER ONE

Aww, it’s a cute little kit. I love how you show Featherkit’s perception of this seemingly new, unfamiliar world with familiar scents and tastes. Her littermate, too – “Then you look nothing like I imagined!” It’s really cute and warm and easygoing, just as you’d expect the beginning of a little kit’s life to be. Good job on that; I can imagine these kits as real cats!

Again, very good descriptions. Their parents seem to be very kind and welcoming, so we’re not going down the stereotyped path of “cat with evil parents grows up to be epic leader”… yet. Things might change; who knows? There are so many places a story could end up with when starting with a simple premise like this chapter.

I’m not sure if you intended to switch over to Runningstar’s point of view partway through the chapter or not. Though it is interesting to get information from another cat’s memories, it’s a little odd for it to just suddenly switch over like that.

Another question – how does Featherkit, an almost-newborn little kit who’s never before been out of camp, recognize the scent and sight of a fox? It just seems a bit odd to me, like Runningstar should have been the one to notice instead of Featherkit.

CHAPTER TWO

The fox fight is also very vivid and descriptive. If I say this a lot, it’s because it’s true; based on what I’ve read so far, you’re very good at describing scenes and fights and cats and scents.

(What’s up with the random “line break”?)

I like the medicine cat, too. She seems open and friendly, and just the kind of cat who could help a little kit get better by lifting her spirits. I also like how Featherkit seems to connect with Willowsong right away; perhaps she’ll follow in the medicine cat’s pawsteps? Who knows? Anything could happen at this point, which is part of what makes it an interesting story.

I am curious as to why Willowsong seems to think that Runningstar wouldn’t approve of Featherkit’s decision to become a medicine cat apprentice. Surely the Clan leader, of all cats, would recognize the importance of having a strong medicine cat at all times? What if he rejects Featherkit’s decision and then something happens to Willowsong?

CHAPTER THREE

Aww, more cute little kits.

This ginger tom seems like an interesting character. Jealous or ignorant, I wonder…? Gosh, he seems like a jerk… or maybe not. “Flamekit has a c-“… I think we all know what finishes that sentence :) Cute. (The warriors never really understand the kits’ antics, do they? Oh, well. It’s still adorable.)

Again, this chapter has a brilliant closing line. You’re really good at this! So many different things could spin off from this story; it really does have a lot of potential.

END SPOILERS

Overall, this is a very well-written story. I will try to expand this comment and finish reading later, but for now I’m tired and I just want to go to sleep. But you’re an excellent writer, and I’ll be watching for more to this story in the future :)