Talk:The Story of Icewrath, Featherswirl, and Craneheart/@comment-1703139-20121209173559

I enjoyed it. You have a nice style of writing, and though there were several grammer mistakes, the story was mostly free of errors. However, I do have some pointers.


 * Give some faults to Featherkit.  Right now she just seems like a Mary-Sue (see Forest's comment for my explanation of what that is) who happens to have two toms like her.  I felt no connection to her, though she was the main character, and that kinda put a dampener on the story for me.


 * Make the conversations less stiff.  Use some contractions, get some of the fancier words out of there.  Real kids (and kits) don't say things like 'I must fight!' or 'We merely wanted ot make sure...' unless their character is kind of uptight of snobby.


 * More Troublekit!  He was by far my favorite character.  As soon as he walked in I was like 'Troublekit! I KNEW YOU WHERE TROUBLE WHEN YOU WALKED IIIIN' and I like how his mother is upset at his name even though she's the one who named him.  I would be Trouble|x|Feather, but there was no option for that.  So I picked Crane.


 * More personality!  I get that Ice is kind of icy calm and brave, but why is he so protective of the two others?  Is he older by like, two seconds?  Did something happen when he was little?  And Crane just seems like the younger brother type.  Nothing special.  And Feather is just perfect, so...eh.

It was a mostly good story, but I'd love to see you improve those things. You're really talented and I want this story to be the best it can be. :)