Talk:The Beasts Beyond Our Border/@comment-25630395-20170514232424

SPOILERS

For the commenting trades-

Patch has already pointed out grammar mistakes, so you can fix those. You use sentence fragments, like 'still holding the kit in his jaws' which can't stand alone as a sentence. So fix.

PROLOGUE

Interesting premise, you hooked me in! However, it felt very rushed and I had to reread it several times to understand what was happening. More description would fix this. I found Chestnutfur's transition to Brokenpath kind of odd and sudden. Elaborate more? Also, not to sound rude, but 'Brokenpath' is a terribly cliche name, and I don't know why anyone would name themselves that.

CHAPTER UNO

So, we're being introduced to no characters. They seem interesting, although we didn't get to know much about them. I think you should use more description because I couldn't envision the story taking place in my head, and once more it felt very fast. The names all come at once and can be confusing, but nice cliffhanger at the end!

CHAPTER 2

Interesting stuff going on- I imagine the Clan isn't going to be happy he made all of them apprentices so soon. I was confused with the switch in povs, so maybe introduce Snowspeckle a bit more. Once again, there were so many new names for me to know and it befuddled me. However, I do feel like I'll like Snowspeckle's character (I love her name!)

CHAPTER 2+1

Once more, who are these cats? And why is Brokenpath suddenly with them? I'm curious. This chapter was definitely full of detail, and I hope I'll be able to piece it back with the rest of the story once you go into more detail.

Promising start, this story has lots of potential!