Talk:Opening Locked Doors/@comment-17759525-20150816191007

(competition post)

A quick note before I begin. I noticed that, on one of your user page links, you mentioned that Inuwa and another character in Opening Locked Doors share a condition with you, the author. That “condition” is Asperger’s syndrome, isn’t it…? (Forgive me if I’m wrong.) I’ve been researching the syndrome lately for no reason other than I find it interesting, and the way that Inuwa acts seems to have a lot in common with the typical actions of people with Asperger’s. Especially with the presence of a cat named Aspie who has the same condition… That’s my little side note for the day :)

SPOILERS

ONE

It’s definitely an interesting premise. A cat feels that he doesn’t fit in, and that no one understands him, either. His basic personality is a detriment to the relationships he can (or can’t) forge in his life, and clearly that affects him a lot. Even though he recognizes his talents and strengths, no one else does. That must be painful for him, and from the very beginning, you make that very clear to the readers.

TWO

I like how you describe the Clans. Although Inuwa as a character is completely immersed into this world, you take the time to step out of the boundaries of the story a little and explain to the readers what’s actually going on in his life.

Especially when you describe the way that Inuwa’s family have all been accepted into a Clan, you can see just how desperately he wants to fit in. It’s interesting how he describes his own opinions on each Clan, in addition to giving basic information about them. The way you set this section up makes it clear and easy to understand, even though the section is titled “Complicated” :)

THREE

This is a great transition from the basic information about the world you’ve created into the actual story that you want to portray. The leisurely pace that you’ve used to write this emphasizes the fact that Inuwa isn’t all about action and excitement; he’s a quiet, fairly laid-back cat who keeps to himself most of the time. However, I can also see his excitement when he realizes how many Clan positions are available.

The system of choosing Clan members is extremely interesting to me. If I may take a brief moment to do something that might look like self-advertising, it reminds me a lot of my story, Time Runner. I don’t know if you ever read it or if it’s just an incredible coincidence, but I like the similarities. In Time Runner, Collide is accepted into the Clan when he wanted to be a Time Runner; in Opening Locked Doors, Inuwa observes an age-old friend of his be selected to join a Clan, which gives him hope. The two stories are similar, but there’s also a lot of contrast. I do like the scene with Chrome, by the way; it would be interesting to hear more about what happened with Chrome and Inuwa in the past. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

FOUR

A subtle description: Inuwa has black fur. Interesting. It’s always hard to find a way to accurately describe the main character in a first-person story, but you seem to have no problem with it at all :)

Again, you have really good descriptions here, both of the setting and of the cats. Inuwa’s sharp observation of these two cats shows that he’s scared, but he’s also observant. I like how, even in such a short chapter (because really, most of these sections have been fairly short), you really build the tension with the descriptions that you give. You’re a really good writer.

FIVE

Inuwa seems to have a very different inner voice and outer persona. Here, he seems almost sarcastic – “Get a life!” He seems frustrated but still scared, as though he might find himself able to pull out of his comfort zone for a moment and survive. Everything Inuwa says gives more insight into his (albeit complicated) personality, which is good. The best characters are the ones whose creators build their personalities slowly over time.

I do like this fight scene; though Inuwa doesn’t suddenly become a ridiculous fighting machine, as I’ve seen some characters uncharacteristically do, he does find strength within himself to beat off these bullies and run away. And whether he notices it or not, Inuwa is strong.

SIX

Interesting choice, allowing Inuwa to connect so deeply with something as arbitrary as the night sky. I mean, it makes sense, but not a lot of authors would think to throw something like that in there. You know, though, with all of the negative descriptions Inuwa is giving about NeedleClan, I’m half expecting him to end up there eventually…

Another intriguing premise of this story is that cats born into the Clan are not allowed to stay. All the same, though, they have exclusive insight into Clan life that the other rogues simply do not know. Would that make it easier or harder for the Clanborn cats to get accepted back into a Clan, I wonder…? But even when Inuwa is talking about the Gatherings, there seems to be a lonely tone in his words, even as he seems hopeful and optimistic about his future. He is definitely a complex character, and I can’t wait to find out more about him.

SEVEN

Now it’s a completely different scene. For me, the transition into StarClan was a little bit awkward; at first I wasn’t sure if we were seeing the founders of the Clans (since that’s clearly what they are, right?) back in time, when the Clans were still young, or if they were watching over the Clans, or what. It did get explained later on in this section, though, so I guess it all works out.

It definitely gives a lot of good insight into more about how the Clans work from the inside. These cats’ personalities seem to match up fairly well with the descriptions that Inuwa gave about the modern Clans, and I think it’s extremely interesting that they’re watching over a cat that is so clearly Inuwa, even though he’s never actually named in this chapter. It’s very, very interesting indeed…

EIGHT

Good explanations of the passing of time. Good descriptions of Inuwa’s reluctance to change, his daily routine, everything. Good, good, good. Have I mentioned yet that you’re a very good writer?

Renee’s personality is a stark contrast to Inuwa’s, and we as the readers can see this in both what Renee says and Inuwa’s shocked reaction to her sudden appearance. I think it will be good for him to have another cat around, one who acts a lot differently than he does. I do wonder how Renee managed to not get any information on the Clans before meeting Inuwa, though. Did she come from somewhere else…?

NINE

This section reminds me a little bit of Into the Wild, at least in the beginning, since it involves basic descriptions of the basic functions of the Clans. I do like, though, how Inuwa steps out of his shell a little bit to give Renee a tour of the territories, giving her helpful information to help her survive in this area. He seems to be warming up to her a little bit already.

I do kind of wish that the fight scene here had a little bit more detail; it does seem a bit rushed, and I would also have liked to have seen more of Chrome before he died. However, there aren’t too many options when the “Death” theme appears so close to the beginning of the challenge list, so I won’t press you too hard about it. However, I do think that the fighting could have been a bit more detailed.

TEN

Another change of perspective – and more valuable information for the omnipresent readers. Clearly, her mind works differently from Inuwa’s, and in exceptionally large ways; her very thought process differs from Inuwa’s careful consideration a lot. Finally, we get a little more information on Renee’s past: she had a brother named Aspie whose condition was similar (or identical) to Inuwa’s. This is just one more way that she will be a perfect companion for Inuwa, and even if, for the time being, she’s just using him to get into the Clans, I predict that they will grow a lot closer before the story is over.

ELEVEN

Gosh, this is such an interesting comparison! It’s a great and unique way to explain what happened with Inuwa’s family. I see that you interpreted 33% the same way I did – i.e., one-third. I don’t know what else I can really say about this section, except to say that it’s definitely a unique idea :)

TWELVE

The return of the bully cats! Kudos to you for not forgetting about them, or their promise to come back and find Inuwa again. (Have I mentioned yet that I really love the name Inuwa? I don’t think I have…) This section is super mysterious, and I can’t wait to find out what they actually mean by that!!! :)

THIRTEEN

(Good use of italics to signify a change of perspective this time.)

Holy crud, this section has such beautiful descriptions! Is this Aspie, I wonder…? Poor cat, unable to tell everyone else what he thinks about what they think of him… Poor cat! This conversation with this other cat (I presume it’s Renee…?) is so, so interesting, and so reflective of Inuwa’s personality. Even when you don’t write from his perspective, you’re still giving us insight into your main character’s skull. Very nicely done :)

(-hopes you’ll ignore how many times she’s ending section comments with the same smiley face, knowing full well that this note will only draw more attention to it-)

FOURTEEN

(That cat WAS Renee! I was right. –feels justified- XD)

I wonder why Renee is acting so strange. Is it just that she’s remembering what happened with her brother, or is it something else…? I guess it’ll be explained eventually. She has such a strong reaction to his offhand comment – something’s definitely bothering her, I can tell. And it’s something serious, too, isn’t it…? It’s so mysterious… this is interesting!!!

FIFTEEN

Ohhh, poor cat… of course he would feel guilty! And yet he doesn’t even understand why she reacted the way she did. Of course he doesn’t; the readers barely understand it, and we have insight into almost every main character’s head already! But Renee seems broken, too… of course she would, coming from a past with a brother like hers. Now both Inuwa and Renee are blaming themselves, and neither seems to really understand why. What a complicated relationship. But I honestly think that they will grow closer for the experience. I really do. I’m rooting for you, Inuwa!!! <3

SIXTEEN

Spending time alone together – what a great way to reconstruct their fragmented friendship. But something’s obviously still bothering the both of them. I wonder what’s gonna happen between them.

Even their very philosophies on life are so different. “Let’s spy on them” vs. “But it’s wrong”… an interesting conflict, but a legitimate one, based on their very different personalities. Either Inuwa will manage to stop her, or Renee will win and they’ll go see the Gathering and learn something deeply insightful into the Clans. I wonder which one it will be…?

SEVENTEEN

Inuwa’s trying to do what’s right, clearly, but I honestly don’t think that Renee is going to listen to him. She seems like the headstrong type who would blunder straight into chaos, no matter what kind of warnings some other cat gave her. I can totally see this causing problems for the both of them. Hopefully it won’t cause Inuwa to lose his chance to enter the Clans, though…!

(Inuwa’s family members have such interesting names, by the way. Do they mean something special, or…?)

Oh. They stopped.

EIGHTEEN

(Love. What a beautiful title. Something’s gonna happen XD)

Aaand we’re back inside Renee’s mind. So she does realize that she’s impulsive; obviously there would be some characters who would realize a thing like that, and some who wouldn’t. This makes me think that she’s the type who’s trying to change herself for the better, even though the cats around her like her the way she is (for the most part). Interesting.

So she does feel for Inuwa… and deeply. But she also still cares a lot about Aspie, her brother. Of course she would. Where is he, I wonder…?

(Aww, this chapter is so sweetttttt <3 Inunee? Renuwa?? Regardless of what you want to call it, I support it X3)

NINETEEN

(Okay, just in opening, my only real qualm with this section is that there’s one point during Inuwa’s dream (?) where the italics stop. It’s different, so I don’t like it and it bothers me >:T )

…Interesting dream, that. Depressing, too! Gosh, this poor cat. How is he supposed to live his life when even his subconscious is telling him that there are things that he can’t do…? Ugh, this is terrible ;n; (…but in a good way. Hush XD) I’m really glad it’s just a dream though… Inuwa has so much pressure on his shoulders, both from the cats around him who don’t believe that he can do it and from his own mind, where he seems to feel that he can’t do anything right, even though he knows it’s not true. This is sad ;n;

TWENTY

And here we see the hero of the story trying to reassure himself that it was just a dream, that everything will eventually be alright. It really does show just how insecure Inuwa really is, and how badly he really does want to be accepted into this common society. You do a really good job of telling us how he feels.

I do like, though, that you add some more information about Chrome, and how he tried to help Inuwa even though they still didn’t operate entirely the same. It seems like Chrome was a good cat, and I’m a little disappointed that we never got to properly meet him. (Prequel, anyone? C: ) Especially the scene at the end, where Inuwa recounts his encounter (“encounter”) with Birdstar… he’s such an optimistic cat, even when everything looks so hopeless <3

END SPOILERS

There are a couple of very minor spelling and grammar errors here and there, but for the most part this story is grammatically sound. You're doing a good job of writing for these characters! :) I'll try to comment more later on, but at the very least I guarantee I will finish reading this eventually. For now, keep up the good work <3