Talk:What if Ashfur didn't get killed/@comment-25240986-20150207120043

Okay, I'm noticing a few things:

1. The title is very confusing. What is Ashfur didn't get killed? How about Ashfur's Anger or something?

2. You've got many grammer mistakes. There's no period after a sentence, other than Firestar's announcment.

Here's yours:

"Time for the Gathering" announced Firestar. "Jayfeather, Poppyfrost, Graystripe, Sandstorm, Ashfur, Hollyleaf, Lionblaze, Leafpool, Squirrelflight, Brambleclaw. Come with me to the Gathering"

Here would be what I would edit:

"Time for the Gathering!" Firestar announced. "Jayfeather, Poppyfrost, Graystripe, Sandstorm, Ashfur, Hollyleaf, Lionblaze, Leafpool, Squirrelflight, and Brambleclaw. Come with me to the Gathering."

This is just a spot you need improvement on.

I'll also say that you should squeeze in a flexible storyline. It's better if you don't rush it; go into Ashfur's mind and think well about his feelings. This is a well organized collab I did with a fellow user. The storyline isn't rushed; it's digging into each cat's lives.

Keep up the great work though, I really like it!