Talk:The Apprentices Adventure/@comment-25531638-20131017005110

SPOILERS

This seems pretty good so far. I like the whole idea of how they're just on the journey for their training, not as a life saving mission, or they have prophecies, and blah blah blah. The dialogue between characters is great too.

But you should spell it the way I just did, instead of "Thornebrush".

There are a lot of other things you could improve on though. Now don't take offense when I say this, but your grammar is cringeworthy. You are missing a lot of commas, mostly. You should probably pop things into Word before publishing them on here, to make sure that all of your grammar is in order.

The one other bit of advice that I have to give is using sentences with varying lengths around each other.

For example: I was just an apprentice and I was hunting. I wanted to be the best warrior ever. I thought that the best warrior would be able to hunt with there eyes closed.

Instead: I was just an apprentice and I was hunting. I wanted to be the best warrior ever, and I thought that the best warrior would be able to hunt with there (this should be their) eyes closed.

Keep on going :)

END OF SPOILERS