Talk:The Storm above the Dawn/@comment-34445395-20180603010359

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Oh. My. StarClan. That was such a beautiful five chapters! I loved it! Well done!

Chapter 1

So we come from the narritave of Dawn, who's apparently been judged by a lot of people in her past; execpt for two cats, Jag, who I see is her best friend, and Flintstar, the leader. The start is a great start for the story, but I think you should go a little more deeper into the friendship of Flinstar and Dawn, because I would love to know more about the leader who understands Dawn.

And then there is Gorseclaw. I don't hate him, but I dislike him alot; I think there is something deep in his past that makes him so angry. (Idk why I am saying that oh well XD; that's just my opinion) Gorseclaw is a jerk though. When Dawn starts crying when she leaves the camp, it is very intresting because we (readers) realize there is more to Dawn's past than we realize.

Ahh yes Storm! She is a very intresting character. She seems...very affectionate but cautious. I love how you write about how Dawn feels about Storm, and you write about Dawn's heart alot, as if it is like it's own character. I love that! It adds a great depth to what Dawn is feeling. Anyways back to Storm: when Dawn mentions the boardwalk, Storm seems so torn apart (and Dawn hates when Storm is sad, so adorbs <3) and again, readers see that there is more to the story than it seems. It's amazing how you show, don't tell.

Then, of course, Gorseclaw has to ruin the fun....but I bet he won't be a 'bully' to Dawn anymore bc she has Storm <3

Chapter 2

This was a not short, but not long, chapter where Dawn starts to feel regret. (The story is so relatable and relistic, it's amazing how you portray these characters.) :D

So then Dawn lies to Gorseclaw that she was going to turn Storm in. Storm is hurt by this, and I understand/believe why: Storm had a bad past in the boardwalk, so she probably didn't have much friends. But when she meets Dawn,Storm tries to trust her, but then Dawn lies and Storm feels hurt and sad again. Poor Storm </3

So then Dawn asks Flinstar for gaurd duty, and robotically/unintentionally tells Flintstar Storm's name.

Oh my gosh and then Dawn feels so much regret! It was so sad to see her like that! She got so much anxiety, regret, and guilt! Oh StarClan I feel so bad for her....(ahh you did so good with her emotions I wish I could write like that)

Chapter 3

Ohmygosh I love this chapter aww Jag and Dawn are so cute!!! <3 (so many hearts XD)

So, Dawn is waken up by Jag, her best friend, for gaurd duty. Dawn gets even more anxious. Jag notices, and then Dawn lets go of her emotions and starts crying....ohmygosh it was so emotional I loved it

Jag just comforts Dawn even though he doesn't even know what is happening!! Aww I love it!! Jag is such a great friend ahh I'm sorry but Jag x Dawn is real (and of course Storm x Dawn!) Jag and Dawn are friendship goals for life

and then Dawn promises to Jag that she will tell him what's going on! I'm so excited (and nervous) to see how Jag takes it :D or will she tell him at all? OwO (lol)

And then....Dawn confronts Storm!!!!!!

Chapter 4 (the best one of them all)

Dawn enters the cave....and sees Storm, beaten and bloodied! Ohmygosh I was so sad (almost crying it was that good) when I read this </3 you portrayed it so well! But one thing: you didn't go into what happened that Storm was beaten up. I am assuming she was tortured? (I guess, but the rest of it was amazing!) Storm's eyes were red from crying ohmygosh....I think it was either bc she (likes) and misses Dawn, OR she was hurt (emotionally) while being tortured (OOOOH! what if she was reminded of the Boardwalk! That would make so much sense!)

Dawn is obliterated by this and it melts my heart oh my starclan! So then Dawn cries and confesses why she is crying (and ohmygosh I was literally crying as well ahh you did so good) and Storm says she "doesn't mind".....when Storm says, "you don't know what I've done in the past" it melted my heart! it was so good!

And then they forgive each other <3 aww that scene was so cute!!

And then.....EmberClan attacks, ruining the moment (sadness). But it seems super exciting and intresting on what's gonna happen!!

Now.....

That was an amazing story. I loved it, and you did so well writing it. It is relateable, emotional, and downright amazing!!! I was so happy to read it and I hope you add to it soon!!!! It was AMAZING!!

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