Cinders

Some time you just can't help wondering what would have happened if it had ended another way...

Prologue
The pool was full of stars, bright and comforting. And yet Cinderpelt still felt...she wasn't sure.

She sighed and lay her head down on her paws. What's the matter with me? This morning she had turned down both Bluestar and Spottedleaf's offers to go hunting. And when Tallstar suggested they go play with the kits she made up an excuse.

"Hello kitten," Cinderpelt looked up, then lay her head back down again. "Hello Yellowfang."

The dark colored she-cat purred, her orange eyes bright, "Is that any way to greet your old mentor?"

"I'm sorry." Cinderpelt felt bad, "Something's wrong with me today, I just don't..." she trailed off, unsure of what she wanted to say.

"Let me guess," Yellowfang said quietly, "You feel antsy, you keep drifting off into thoughts..."

Cinderpelt felt a prickle of excitement, "Yes! That's exactly it!"

Yellowfang shook her head and said nothing. "What?" Cinderpelt asked, now annoyed, "Yellowfang, it's bad enough when you get all mysterious in the Clan meetings, don't start doing it in our personal conversations too!"

The she-cat let out a rusty purr and nodded, "I'm sorry kitten. I suppose you're right.  It's just not something I generally like to talk about."

"But you know what's wrong with me," Cinderpelt flattened her ears, "And you won't tell me."

"No, I'll tell you. We'd just hoped you'd hold off longer."

"Whose we? Yellowfang, what's going on?!"

"It's nothing truly bad kit. It's just..." she stretched and itched at her ear, as if the fleas she'd carried with her in life had followed her into death, "Complicated."

"I think I'll manage."

Yellowfang's eyes flashed and Cinderpelt felt very much like an apprentice again. "Sorry," she squeaked.

"Anyways," Yellowfang meowed, "Sometimes after a cat's been dead for a few seasons or so, they start to feel what you're feeling now. They start to wonder, to miss life."

"To wonder what?" Cinderpelt asked, curious despite herself.

"What could have happened," Yellowfang meowed mysteriously, "If things had been different."

"What do you mean...?" Cinderpelt was confused. She could feel herself drifting off again but she held her eyes open, focused.

"Like...let's say Smokepaw. What if he hadn't died on the Great Journey?  Or what if Hollykit and Larchkit hadn't starved to death."

"That doesn't sound so bad," Cinderpelt said doubtfully. The way Yellowfang had talked, she made if sound like this wonderment was a pox, a curse.

"Well," Yellowfang scratched her ear again, "There are the darker stories. The ones that don't end up with the cat having another chance, a long and happy life.  What if Bluestar had chosen her kits over ThunderClan?  What if Firestar had stayed a kittypet?  What if I-" she flinched and trailed off. Cinderpelt could feel the pain radiating from her mentor and she pressed against her comfortingly.

"And why is that bad? So, a cat gets a little mopy for a while.  Big deal, right?"

Yellowfang shook her head. "But death is a terrible place if you are always wondering about before. And StarClan..." she paused, as if unsure whether or not to reveal something. Cinderpelt's fur itched with impatience. "StarClan has a way to settle those questions."

"How?" Cinderpelt asked eagerly.

"We can show you how things would have ended up. So to speak." Yellowfang said. "It will be like a very vivid dream, you won't remember you are dead, but when you wake up you'll remember it."

"Has everyone done it?"

"Not everyone. Bluestar did, I think the heartache forced her too.  Firestar has too out of curiosity I think more then anything.  Most of the younger cats have."

"Have you?"

Cinderpelt's question seemed to take her friend by surprise. Yellowfang slowly shook her head, "No. And I never wanted too."

Cinderpelt felt a pang in her heart, the way she always did when Yellowfang tortured herself over her son. "Can I do it?" she changed the subject.

"Only once," Yellowfang said, "But there are a million possibilities. Most cats want to know how their lives would have continued after they died.  Some cats like Bluestar and Firestar want to know how making a different choice could effect them.  Some cats even want to know things like if they had fallen in love with another cat or if they had been born to different parents.  It's a hefty decision."

What would I want to know?

''What if I fell in love with another cat other then Firestar? Would it have hurt any less?''

''What if I hadn't died? No, Sorreltail would have and I don't think I could watch that...''

''What if Leafpool hadn't fallen for Crowfeather? What if she'd been there to save Sorreltail and I?''

What if I'd wanted to be a medicine cat right from the start?

The next thought took her by surprise. It was the most obvious question, and yet it hadn't occurred to her until now.

What if I hadn't broken my leg?

"I know what I want," she told Yellowfang with certainty.

"Thanks carefully," her mentor cautioned, "You'll never get this chance again."

"But it's simple!" she felt a sense of bliss, "What if I didn't break my leg?"

Yellowfang nodded, but there was sorrow in her orange eyes. Something told Cinderpelt she already knew how this story ended. "Are you sure you want to see that?" she asked, "Remember, some stories don't have happy endings."

Something in Cinderpelt rose up. How could this not have a happy ending? She lost Firestar to Sandstorm because she was in the medicine den. She was in the medicine den because she had lost her dream of being a warrior. She couldn't even help beat Tigerstar! Her heart ached at the painful memories.

"I'm sure," she meowed quietly.

Yellowfang nodded, "Then let's go now."

She led Cinderpelt away from her pool and towards the Moonpool where Clan meetings were held. Cinderpelt remembered sitting on the banks and being told that she would die. She flinched and kept walking.

Yellowfang stopped by the edge of the pool, "And you're absolutely sure?" she meowed. Cinderpelt nodded. Yellowfang rolled her eyes and muttered, "Kits..." She continued in a louder voice, "You won't be able to wake up until it ends. So it will feel like you're actually experiencing everything although in reality it will only take a few seconds.  And the story only ends when you die.  Whether that's longer or shorter as what happened in real life is up to you.  You're going to be placed back at the moment where you made the choice that led to your broken leg."

The message... Cinderpelt remembered.

"But you won't remember any of this," Yellowfang meowed, "But something will cause you to either make the other choice or you won't be able to go receive the message. Understand?"

She was still a little confused, but she nodded again.

"Excellent." Yellowfang touched noses with her, "Good luck Cinderpelt."

"Thanks,"

"Now dive in the pool."

Cinderpelt looked at her for another moment and then turned. She waded into the Moonpool- it was cold and tasted of stars. She took a final breath and, not knowing what to expect, dove.

She swam into darkness smelling first the cold fiery scent of StarClan, and then the wild scent of the Old Forest.