Despondency

 Despondency

“If I could, I would spend my nine lives to save yours.”

a short story by firey

The carnage had stopped hours ago but blood still drenched the floor cats slowly picked their way off the battlefield, mourning their dead. Both sides had suffered tremendous losses and neither had come out victorious. There was never victory when war was involved; the loss of lives was too great to ever call it a victory.

The low wailing of heartbroken cats hadn’t stopped yet and Ravenstar picked her way among the dead, her yellow eyes searching desperately for her mate. She had lost her in the midst of that final battle and her heart thundered in her chest as she searched for that familiar golden pelt.

She spotted several already, but when she had hauled the bodies off of her to check those blank eyes, she hadn’t seen Goldenwing in any of them. Violet eyes. She was afraid of seeing empty, violet eyes.

Ravenstar panted as she pushed another corpse off another golden cat as she checked the frozen, snarling face. Green eyes. A sigh of great relief escaped her even as she murmured a prayer for the fallen warrior. There were so many cats dead on this battlefield that Ravenstar no longer noted if she knew the fallen cats.

Before she could rest, she spotted yet another golden pelt. Her heartbeat quickened again and with effort, Ravenstar stumbled towards that speck of gold on crimson-stained ground. Her paws trembled as she tried to reveal who the cat was.

Amber eyes. Not Goldenwing then.

The battle had been brutal, and it had lasted for several days. Ravenstar hadn’t really known how she had managed to stay standing, fighting off PebbleClan day and night until her entire pelt was drenched in foreign blood and she didn’t know anything except to keep moving, to keep slashing her claws through her enemy’s pelts.

Death blanketed the border and Ravenstar waded through it as she continued her search for her mate. She hadn’t seen the beautiful she-cat in the ranks of the living, but there had been a chance that Goldenwing hadn’t joined the battle or that Ravenstar had missed her. StormClan’s patrols were scattered all throughout the territory and there was a slim possibility that Goldenwing’s patrol hadn’t made it to the battlefield on time. The territory was too vast for some of the patrols to cross in the three days the battle had waged here.

Ravenstar took another step and nearly crumpled to the ground in exhaustion. Her eyes were already glazing over and she struggled to stand once more. More and more cats were moving slowly through the battlefield themselves, trying to find their own loved ones, wondering if they were among the dead as well.

She spotted yet another golden pelt buried under several other cats and Ravenstar forced herself to take one trembling step after another as she dropped to the ground in front of that pile. Her paws weakly shoved at the cats piled on top but they didn’t budge. Still Ravenstar moved, her paws shaking violently as she finally managed to clear the pile.

She checked the eyes of the she-cat and she found that she couldn’t breathe. Violet, dim violet eyes, stared back at her and Ravenstar barely found enough air to issue a sob as she stared and stared and stared at Goldenwing’s body.

Terrible wounds tore open her beautiful pelt, marring it and staining it red. The gaping hole in her stomach explained how Goldenwing had died; she had bled out in the battlefield while Ravenstar had been unable to save her.

Another sob escaped her as she buried her nose into her mate’s flank, breathing in her fading scent. She was so, so cold. Ravenstar closed her eyes as she laid there with her mate, shutting out the images of Goldenwing’s sparkling violet eyes and her flawless golden pelt. Shut out the memories of Goldenwing’s bright laughter and the way she smiled whenever Ravenstar greeted her after a long day.

The StormClan leader wished she had done more to keep Goldenwing away from the war but her mate had insisted on staying and fighting. With that fierce, protective look on her mate’s face, Ravenstar had been unable to deny the golden she-cat of a chance to protect who she loved, just as Ravenstar had wanted to do.

Ravenstar finally lifted her head and gazed at her mate with tears in her eyes. “What shall I do without you, Goldenwing?”

There was no answer. Ravenstar trembled as she pawed at Goldenwing’s pelt, wishing she had seen this coming, wishing she could have begged StarClan to give Goldenwing more than one life. She had nine lives—all nine lives left. Why couldn’t she have given a few to her mate to ensure her survival?

“If I could,” Ravenstar whispered to her mate’s still corpse. “I would spend my nine lives to save yours. I would sacrifice every ounce of my strength so that you could stand again.”

She didn’t know how long she spent crouched there at Goldenwing’s side but she knew there would come a moment where she would have to stand and bury her mate and return to her Clan. She would have to keep going, for the war was not over, and StormClan needed her to remain strong.

But for now, she allowed herself to break as she cried her sorrow to the stars that glittered in the night sky above.

“I love you,” Ravenstar said over and over. “I love you.”

I love you.

“Will you wait for me up there?” Ravenstar asked softly as she closed her eyes and rested her head on her mate’s flank.

She knew Goldenwing’s answer even though no one replied.

She stayed there for the rest of the night but when dawn came the next day, Ravenstar touched her nose one last time to Goldenwing’s still body before she straightened her spine and walked away.

She couldn’t spend her nine lives to save Goldenwing’s life but she could spend them to save her Clan.

The End.