Talk:Redstar's Revolution/@comment-17759525-20140813000634

I told you I wouldn't forget : ) I should warn you: I can be a bit critical on occasion, and my comments tend to be quite long-winded, but people seem to appreciate them, so I keep going.

SPOILERS

PROLOGUE

The opening line is one of the kind that draws readers in. It's an interesting, sudden statement that opens the way for the rest of the story.

The descriptions are amazing, and I like how you briefly personify the other animals. The whole scene, although it starts out peaceful, is foreboding because of how you described it, and I can see that this is going to build into a very interesting story.

You describe everything so succinctly. It's easy to imagine the land, but it's not so long and detailed that readers lose interest. The introduction to this first character is a subtle change from the gathering storm. The Great Tree sounds interesting as well.

I like the idea of this group of tunnels underneath the tree, a place of shelter in this terrifying storm. It seems like it could cave in at any moment, and yet it doesn't; it's keeping them safe, for now.

The wave, suddenly separating the cats, is realistic, and it opens up a lot of different possibilities. Will they drown? Will they live, and have to find each other again? Or will only one of them survive?

When you switch to first person, I'm not entirely sure which character is speaking. Is it Coldfur? Or is it Redclaw, who's clearly going to become the main character? You end with Redclaw before that, but the last cat mentioned is Coldfur, so maybe you could make that a bit clearer.

"Have I died, my ancestors?" The way he just says this so calmly is incredible. Despite the chaos of the storm, he manages to remain calm even in the face of death. And just the simple way that he says it is unusual. It kind of gives readers insight into his personality without coming out and saying, "He's not afraid of death."

The scene with StarClan is ominous. It's like a prophecy, or even a promise, but the StarClan cats sound scared, which is definitely different.

This is definitely going to be an interesting story.

END SPOILERS

Chapter One obviously has a lot more writing to come, so I'm going to wait to comment on Chapter One. But, aside from that one moment where I wasn't certain who was speaking and a couple of very minor grammatical errors, this is very well-written. It's interesting and it's a new idea, and I can't wait to see what happens next : )